You're falling faster than you climb

I finally got some movement on the e-harmony front. However, it wasn't exactly what I was hoping for. When last we left Binghamton Dan, we were waiting for him to send me an actual e-mail message, though through the e-harmony system so I wouldn't have his e-mail address if he didn't want me to. This morning, I logged in and saw that there was a "on hold" message waiting for me.

"I'm just not sure right now, but may be interested in communicating more in the future."

I'm not sure what that means, and I know from my own experience of putting people on hold that there is a list of four or five messages to choose from, so it wasn't like he could elaborate. Trying to see the "glass half full" side of things, I will take it as a good sign that he simply put me on hold and didn't close the match. I think.

I'm still waiting on a message from Jeff in Syracuse. He is at the same stage as Dan -- through all the questions and lists, and ready for a real message.

The matches have also seemed to dry up a little -- I get one or two a week now, as opposed to one or two a day when I first started. Am I that difficult a person? Are my needs that unreasonable? I don't think so. But again, glass half full, I'm not even through a full month -- I have two and half months left of my $99 investment. And really, did I expect to find the love of my life in the first month? No, but a first date would have been nice.

On the B side of things...I'm at a total loss. We have seemingly gone back to normal, though in fairness to him, we have only seen each other in meetings. It's not like we can have the kind of conversation I want while we're discussing the new home page design with five other people in the room.

But he does have opportunities to get me alone -- and hasn't. So then I start to second-guess myself, should I have not IM'd him on Sunday? Should I have not made him cookies? But I always make him cookies. Was it too much? Did I make him think that I liked him? Oh no....I need to get out of this high school/college mentality. However, I think I'm still scarred by those experiences. Those unrequited experiences as the fat girl. Sure the boys all liked me, as a friend -- until they found out that I liked them -- and then it was all over.

Whenever someone found out I liked him, they did whatever they could to stay away from me, as little as possible to encourage me (including talking to me in situations where it would have been completely normal) and out-and-out ignore me.

And so, as much as it might take the wind out of my sails and take away the giddiness and excitement, I would just rather know, than not. If he would just say, "I've thought about it, and I just don't want to risk it being weird between us."

Fine. I accept that. 100%. It's the not knowing, the over-thinking and the wondering that drives me crazy, that makes me doubt myself. And then I'm reminded of the best line from Sixteen Candles -- "That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else."

How true...even at this age.