Six Times and Plan B

I go in tomorrow for a follicle check. I can feel the pressure in my lower abdomen, so I know they're growing. Hopefully they've grown enough and the ultrasound will be good tomorrow.

If that's the case, I will go in Wednesday for my sixth IUI. I changed the baby daddy again. This will be my third different one. I used baby daddy 1 for the first two attempts, and they suggested I switch because maybe there was an incompatibility. He was the music student at Berkeley in Boston.

Then for attempts 3, 4 and 5, I used the marketing professor at Johnson and Wales. Before attempt 5, I was looking through the donor registry and noticed a new person on there. I liked his profile and held on to his donor number, but stayed with baby daddy 2 for my attempt in March.

And so for this one, I'm going with the criminal justice major at Northeastern, the one who wrote in the "statement to recipient": Tomorrow could be the greatest day of your life.

I've been tossing it around in my head, what I will do if this attempt doesn't work. Part of the time, I want to give up. I want to get my body back to a size 12 and be done with the hormones, the being tired, the spare tire around my waist. And then part of me isn't ready to give up on maternity clothes, and feeling my baby kick. So I'll keep going, and if that means IVF and giving myself daily shots, then that's what it is.

But what I don't want to happen is that I've been trying for a year, and then I'm suddenly 39 and I've got nothing, so I've pulled out the adoption paperwork. I've gone through it, I've talked to my friend's sister who works in the adoption field, and next Saturday, I'm going to Rochester to a conference on international adoption. I can start that process while I'm trying this way. And hopefully it won't come to that, but it may. And in the end, that will be okay, I think.

Family Drama, Part Deux

Again, I have to go back to the family drama -- it's all anyone can talk about or think about, and no one is saying anything to the person that should be spoken to about it.

And so I wrote this letter to my niece. Initially it made me feel worse, it was draining, but now I feel better. And maybe she'll never read it, and maybe, just maybe, I will mail it to her after her wedding.

Dear Erica,

I don’t know what happened that day that David asked you and Nathaniel about your plans as you were approaching the end of your two-week stay. But I do know what happened two weeks earlier when he invited you and Nathaniel into his home. And you know what happened, no matter how much you try to spin the story to your benefit. He told you that you were welcome to stay as long as you needed, and that Nathaniel was welcome to stay for two weeks.

Harsh? Maybe, but he was your boyfriend, not your husband, not even your fiancée, at that point. And it was their home, they could create any guidelines they chose – it was your choice to agree to them. And agree you did, as I witnessed that August day. You thanked them and said something to the effect of “that would be great.”

And whatever transpired that day, I’m sure there were things said on both sides that were immediately regretted. However, for you to paint yourself as the victim, for you to imply that David would throw you two out on the streets, is ridiculous.

But you know, what’s done is done. We had Grandma and Grandpa’s anniversary party a few months later, and David was the bigger person and came over to you and hugged you.

And we all thought – you know, it’s over. Whatever, water under the bridge.

And now, three years later, all the hurt feelings come back to the surface. And even more people get to be hurt by your actions. Your aunts and uncles, who should be feeling nothing but happiness on your wedding day for you, are upset that they won’t be seeing their brother. Your aunt and uncle, who helped you when your own boyfriend couldn’t be bothered to (remember the car accident?), are being slapped in the face for their generosity and your selfishness.

I can’t help but recall a conversation that I had with your sister a few weeks after the initial incident. She defended you, as only a good sister would, and said, “why can’t anyone give her the benefit of the doubt that she misunderstood what the arrangement was?” Okay, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, you misunderstood. He corrected the misunderstanding.

Why did you sneak away in the middle of the day while they were at work? Why did you never apologize or even thank them for what they’d done for you? Why have you not been able to forgive them for their part in the misunderstanding? No, your actions regarding your wedding and the invite list only shows me that you understood perfectly what the arrangement was, and you chose to handle it in the absolute wrong way.

You may not have handled that situation in 2005 correctly, but you had the opportunity to make it all right. And what did you do? You created an even larger chasm in the family. By not inviting Dave and Debbie to your wedding, it is not only mean, but cruel.

You may have youth on your side now, and maybe you can be forgiven for your foolishness because of that, but you will never be able to undo this. You will never be able to give your mother and her brother the relationship they once had.

A Yankee in Red Sox Nation

I turned 38 on Sunday -- most of my friends forgot. I'm starting to not like birthdays anymore.

I had an ultrasound on Sunday morning -- the cyst got smaller, so today is day 3 of the Clomid. I go in next Tuesday for a follicle check and then Wednesday for the insemination, if everything looks good on Tuesday.

I'm off to Boston for two days for work. Driving up today, back tomorrow.

Good Work if You Can Get It

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Thanks Nina -- I knew I was good, I didn't know I was that good!

Time Heals All Wounds

Or so they say. And I have to admit, they're kind of right. I'm back on the horse. I went to the doctor this morning for an ultrasound. I have two cysts, one is small enough to not worry about; the other is just 20cm. Anything over 20cm, and they have me rest that month.

I don't know if they normally do this, or it's because I'm such an emotional wreck the months they have me rest, but they're having me go back on Sunday, which would be day 5 of my cycle and see if the cyst has regressed any. Even 1cm and I would be allowed to try again this month.

So, on my 38th birthday, I will get my second ultrasound in five days, to find out if my little womb can try again this month.

Again

As I suspected, I'm not pregnant. It's getting harder, not easier, to do this each month. And I'm so torn about what to do. And so I went to the gym last night, and then went home and did what I do best. I made a spreadsheet.

I think I've decided that while I'm figuring out the best international program for me, I will try one more time. That way, I'm moving toward the goal down two different paths.

The adoption thing is tough. I feel like I'm shopping for a car. I have parameters about price, and how many trips and the length of those trips the government requires, and how long it takes to be matched with a baby -- and it feels tacky, like I'm looking at whether I want heated seats or a sun roof.

It shouldn't be this hard. But then again, maybe it should.

I Shouldn't Have

PS.....I took a pregnancy test when I got home tonight. It came out negative. And while the doctor told me that a urine test would be inaccurate, I think it's more that I could get a false positive. I don't think I could get a false negative.

I think I did it, because I wanted to prepare myself for the negative tomorrow, especially since I will be at work when I get the call.

sigh...it could be a long night and morning, until I get the call.

Not Long Now

I go for my blood test tomorrow. Unlike any other month, I'm not scared. Usually when I get to this point, I suddenly get scared. But this month, today, I'm not. Maybe it's because I have been pretty good at having a "whatever" attitude this month, or maybe because I'm resigned to the fact that this might be my last attempt.

I've decided that this is taking too much of a toll on me -- physically and emotionally. I have the adoption paperwork on my dining room table, and tonight, I'm going to make piles and read through things more thoroughly than I did when I received it all.

And maybe, just maybe, I can get back my -- while certainly not skinny -- my fit body back.

If it's even possible...

...."the girls" feel like they are getting bigger. (And that's saying a lot as they are 36DD.)

Am I imagining it, hopeful for any sign of a positive pregnancy test? Quite possibly. It stinks that PMS symptoms and pregnancy symptoms are pretty similar.

I've got five days to go. If I'm not, and it goes like last month, I will get my period on Saturday night. If I'm not, and it goes like two months ago, I won't get my period until after I stop taking the progesterone.

I go for my blood test on Monday, and will find out at work.