Monday, December 27, 2010

Consolation Prize

So I alluded to all of this in the previous post, but here are the details....

It's been a hectic month, and made all the more awful with a sinus infection and ear infection. Right on the heels of my situation with Kevin, like literally days after, I met my friend Tim and his buddies in in Cooperstown for the day.

I had seen Tim in September and he shared with me that he and his wife were struggling, not connecting, hadn't been intimate, that after 10 years of being an asshole, he was finally learning patience, but she was probably fed and was just trying to get through the holidays.

So here we are in November, and while the original plan was that his wife and girls were coming to Cooperstown, the plans changed at the last minute. I already had been looking forward to a trip to the Hall of Fame, had my hotel room booked, so decided to meet up with him and his friends anyway.

He told me that one of his friends coming was someone I might be interested in. He talked him up quite a bit. I was looking forward the weekend.

When I met up with them, I immediately realized that a) Tim doesn't know me very well and b) his friend, while a very nice guy, was the furthest from anyone I've ever dated, should date or would be remotely interested in. I didn't give it a second thought.

I had been in WV a few weeks before with Bubbles and drank (and vomited) way too much to enjoy the taste of beer, so I offered to be the DD for the boys. I ate lots of bar food, as we wandered from pub to pub. They did shots of tequila and got drunker and drunker. At the last bar, I started talking to some guys next to me and we realized we had mutual friends in common from my Baltimore days.

It was such a fun night. Until.....we got back to the hotel. I had left my bottle of water in his room, so went back to his room. Once in his room, he pushed me down on the bed and started kissing me. I will admit that I got caught up in the moment for a minute or two and kissed him back, and then snapped back to reality and pushed him away.

"Oh, Red....please...." He tried to kiss me again. "You know I've always loved you." WTF?!

"No. This cannot happen." He nuzzled against my neck, whispered in my ear. He was still on top of me. "No! Look, I can be this person or I can be your daughter's god-mother. I can't be both."

That sort of brought him back to reality. If I didn't adore and cherish his daughters -- one of whom is the aforementioned god-daughter -- I would have walked out the room and out of his life, but I do love his daughters, so I sat there with him and tried to talk to him.

He was drunk. He wasn't making any sense or understanding what I was saying. I left him and went to my room.

It was a restless night of sleep. But I hoped that it was just a stupid drunken mistake on his part. I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. After getting up, showered and dressed, I called his room. He was showered and dressed, and sounded sheepish on the phone, so I figured it was cool to go back to his room.

I sat on the end of the bed and started with, "what the hell were you thinking?"

I wasn't surprised by anything he said, he talked about the state of his marriage, how he's horny, how he needs intimacy, how special I am to him, again how much he's always loved me. I was getting annoyed. "Look, I am not the consolation prize for married men going through a mid-life crisis."

"I don't think of you that way."

"Clearly you do. And it's not fair to put me in this position."

"You're right. I'm sorry."

I stood up and was ready to go to breakfast. "Look, if you are really serious about working things out with your wife, if she ever agrees to work on things and wants to go to therapy or whatever, don't do anything stupid and admit what happened last night."

"I won't. If I admit that, I'd have to admit what I did on Friday night."

I stopped in my tracks. "What happened Friday night?"

"S and the girls were out of town for the weekend, and a friend came over to the house."

"You slept with your house...where YOUR daughters sleep?! Who is this woman?"

"A woman from church."

"Oh that's fabulous. Let me guess, she's married."

"Yea, she is."

"Oh it wasn't a question."

"Sometime the devil gets the best of me. I try to be a good man, but the devil is sometimes stronger than God."

"Oh no, you don't get to do that. Don't pull God into this. This is on you. You made this decision. I slept with Chris on and off for seven years. I felt guilty sometimes, but my selfishness was stronger than my guilt. I own that, I did it because I wanted to. Don't blame this on anyone but you."

I walked out of his room and went downstairs to meet him friends for breakfast. I hadn't been to the Hall of Fame in over a year, he was not ruining this. I went through the museum half-heartedly. I just wanted to get away from him.

Monday, December 06, 2010

November Recap

So in the light of day, and with no beers, Kevin is seeing the light. He and his wife are still having issues, they are still not intimate but he is working on it from his end. I've been checking on him every week or so just to make sure. I know one thing, he won't do anything stupid.

Is it appropriate that I know he and his wife aren't having sex? Probably not, but I've given up trying to understand what my role is in the lives of my guy friends. I knew what it was in high school, and college, and even our 20s. As they all got married and evolved, I'm still the same Ellie, here for them to here the good and the bad.

Another friend, who seems to be in the same situation as Kevin -- lack of intimacy, problems in the marriage, etc (I've written about him when the whole Kevin thing reared its head) -- is not being quite so smart. I met him and a friend out one night. He was very drunk, he was very inappropriate. He kept trying to kiss me, told me that he has always loved me, wanted to spend the night with me.

I pushed him away and told him I was not the consolation prize for married men in the middle of a mid-life crisis! That did nothing to dissuade him. I was pissed. When I finally got him back into a bar stool, sipping a coke, we talked a little.

I should have just walked away from him and never looked back. But his kids are important to me, and they are the only reason I didn't walk. We talked about things he's done, mistakes he has made. He was a lot of talk -- and in the subsequent apologies since that night -- about how he's going to change, how he's better than this.

We last talked about two weeks ago, after I had been dodging his numerous texts. And again, it was a lot of talk, and I told him that. I told him to come tell that he's done these things in six months, not that this is what he's going to do.

And then today, a two-page handwritten letter.

I know he means well. And I think he's trying to change, but I'm not the one he needs to change for. I'm not the one he needs to do right by.

All he's done is convince me that being single is probably a better place to be than married to someone like him.