Wishing, Hoping, Praying

This has been the longest month of my life -- and I still have another week (or three) to go. I've been trying to focus on me and trying to stay stress-free and stay occupied with my acupuncture treatment (and the things she's been having me do between appointments).

I've tried to take this time to work out, to work out hard, until I get pregnant. But I'm so tired. The rational part of me knows that it is all the hormones they have given me. I have no motivation at the gym -- I can barely work out for 20 minutes on the treadmill or the bike. And squatting -- forget it. The past few days, I've actually come home from work and taken a nap and then gone for a walk. Last night, I was asleep by 8pm. For the night.

And so the wishful hopeful part of me is wondering....am I? Could I be? There were six eggs and not all of them expelled themselves last month. Maybe one got fertilized and hid somewhere? Maybe I am pregnant? That's why I'm so tired.

I know, I know -- it's not that. I can't kid myself. I can't wish for the impossible. And I can't get all worked up about not getting pregnant on the first try. Or even the second try. I've got lots of options, lots of time, lots of support.

And so, I should get my period in a week, and then hopefully I can try again in October.

Dreams

I'm not sure what to make of my recent string of dreams. Over the past few months, I've had dreams about someone I went to high school with. I haven't seen Kevin in years and years -- when I still in Rochester and he was working for a congressman or senator, and we were a good seven or eight years out of high school. And for all I know, he is still working for him.

Sometimes he is just making a guest appearance in my dream -- it's not really about him, he just happens to be there. Last night, he started out as a guest star and then the focus turned to his wedding band. And I was so bummed that he was married.

I have no idea what is bringing this on. I'm not in touch with any of the people he was friends with in high school, I haven't looked at my yearbook recently, and while I had a crush on him in the 7th grade, we were never more than really good friends throughout high school.

Am I supposed to take these dreams as some sort of sign? Am I suddenly supposed to be proactive with fate and get in touch with him? And then say what? I've been dreaming about you. I have gone so far as to google him -- which I did a few weeks ago when he was in a dream. And as far as I could tell -- from an annual report on-line from a few years ago -- he is still in politics.

Part of me feels that there's nothing to do. Maybe I'll run into him next year, if we have a 20th high school reunion. And maybe I won't. And really, why am I spending so much time thinking about this?

And part of me is really puzzled, confused and intrigued as to why he keeps showing up in my dreams. And why, last night, was I so upset that he's married. When I saw in Rochester, he wasn't. But that was easily 10 years ago when I was still at the science center.

Has anyone ever been in this type of situation? Given in to giving fate a little bit of help? Or am I grasping at straws? Wishing for a chance at romance before I get pregnant?

Update

So I'm not as sad about not getting pregnant on the first month, though when I talked to a friend yesterday, I did feel myself welling up a little. I've taken some positive steps to get ready for next month, namely trying acupuncture.

She (the acupuncturist) wants to see me once a week (more around insemination), I have herbs to drink twice a day (I hate tea -- but I've been able to manage drinking the herbs with hot apple cider), and I have "moxa" sticks (cigar-like incense sticks) to hold over specific pressure points. When I first met with her, I explained my situation, we talked about my hormone level issues, the fertility drugs they have been using and when. We talked about my period, my energy level, whether I feel cold all the time -- lots of random things. But when she connected them all together, it made so much sense.

I am "yang" deficient, I have no fire. What this means, and how it connects to western medicine is....my hormone levels are off from the middle of my cycle. What she's saying is, my temperature spikes (as it should) when I ovulate, but doesn't stay high, it drops again. I need to work to improve my fire, so that my temp stays up and can nurture a fertilized egg.

OK, so maybe it's a little hocus pocus, but I'm willing to try anything. It's not going to have an adverse effect on things. And the actual acupuncture procedure is very relaxing. And unwanted stress is known to be a deterrent in fertility treatment.

I couldn't get inseminated in September, because I had cysts on my ovary. That was frustrating news to hear on top of not being pregnant last month. Not only was I not pregnant, but now I have to wait six weeks instead of two.

The acupuncture has given me something else to focus on so that I'm not obsessing so much on when I can try again. That, and her having my chart my body temperature every morning.

I've tried not to think ahead, tried not to see signs in things, but....if all works out for me to try again next month, I would be inseminated on my mom's birthday and then be due on my niece's birthday next July.

Sometimes, I can't help myself -- I have to look for signs and hope for the best. I'm going to be disappointed anyway, so why not have a little hope, right?

Observations

There is a man at work -- a "high level" person, and the type of person who uses the term "high level" to describe non-peons.

Usually, I am the first one to walk into the building's main doors. And I know this because of the parking lot I use. Most of the early birds park in the east lot and go in the side door. Craig and I are usually the first person (who parks in the west lot and goes in the main door).

The mornings I'm here first, I pick up the morning newspaper, which is sitting on the sidewalk right by the door, and plop it on the receptionist's desk. The mornings he's here first -- he walks right by it. Apparently he's too "high level" of a person to pick it up?

I think that says a lot about the type of person he is.

.

It hit me Friday. Hard. I got my period. I'm not pregnant. The rational part of me said, why are you so upset? It's not like you had a miscarriage. This was only your first try. Did you really think you were going to get pregnant on the first try? Did you really?

But with emotions, there is no logic. There is no rational thought -- only pain and diappointment, for what could have been, what was never but still feels lost.

I tried to take it in stride the first day. I was initally numb. And even confused by my lack of feelings. And then disappointment. And then the over-whelming need to curl up and cry. I have very supportive friends and family, but I am essentially dealing with this alone. At the end of the day, it's just me.

By Friday, I was an emotional wreck. By not dealing with it right away, or maybe not accepting it right away, it hit me hard two days later. I cried on my drive home from work. Skipped the gym completely, and slept for an hour on the couch.

I felt sad and I needed to mourn. And I felt like no one understood.

What I didn't realize was, there were people who understood, people who were empathetic, people who wanted to help me through this disappointment. What I didn't realize was, I was projecting my rational thought, my logic, onto everyone else, which only compounded my loneliness.

Are you ready for some football?

I didn't think I was. I thought it was too early. It's still too warm out. It's going to 90 here tomorrow -- in central New York, where we could honestly see snow flurries next month.

But I watched the pre-game show. I saw the championship banner unfurled. I gagged at Jimmy Irsay's really bad pimp suit. And I got excited when the players ran out of the tunnel and onto the field.

Okay, so my Yankees have a three-game lead in the wild card. A-Rod is now beloved in New York. But tonight, it's all about the Colts and the Saints. (And by pure coincidence, I wore my Unitas t-shirt to the gym tonight.)

I am ready for football. Thursday night football.

I'm not, however, ready to change my ringtone on my cell phone from the "Baseball Tonight" theme song to the "NFL on Fox" theme song. Maybe after the (baseball) regular season. Or the play-offs.

The Right Things to Say

Unlike my friend this morning, whose comment rubbed me the way wrong way, I have very supportive family and friends who knew just what to say.

From my dear friend Wanda:
There's nothing good to say. I know the frustration and disappointment you feel because I had it many times. But I know that what I felt was probably not even as bad as what you're looking at today. It can be very hard to stay positive when you just want to cry. But know that in a couple of days your mind will switch back from hope and excitement to acceptance and moving on to the next step. You just have to go through a mini mourning process first and try to stay positive. I love you, Ellie, and I'm here if you want/need to vent.

From my mom:
i know you're disappointed but the chances it would work first time were small
next time you have to go for acupuncture, right
love you and i'll keep praying
see you sunday
love mom

From my niece:
WE all need to live life through the eyes and ears of Ryan (my three-year-old great nephew). 
He would say oh well next time.  Take it as it was a practice run.  I know it is not easy to deal with
but you have lots of friends and family that are here to support you through this. The % of getting
pregnant the first time any which way is very low.  So keep positive and it will happen! 
Keep believing!  Call me tonight if you need to.  I will keep you in my prayers.  Love ya!

From my sister-in-law:
Tiffany called me this morning after you texted her. I'm sorry Ellie. I'm getting my hair done at 5:30
tonight so after that if you want to talk just give me a call. Other wise I'll respect your silence.......

Strike One

Not that I only get three strikes -- with the money that I have saved and then insurance kicking in after six failed attempts, I do have at least two at bats, maybe three. Baseball analogy aside, I got my period this morning.

I was numb when I saw it, and then it kind of sank in as the morning as progressed. And then one well-meaning friend said, "well, the good news is you know for sure, you don't have to wait anymore."

What?! I wanted to slap her. The good news? Oh right, because waiting for another three days was oh so terrible. Yes, I was impatient, but at least with waiting, there was hope.

I called the doctor's office to let them know. She said she'd call me back -- she'll figure out the next round of hormones, the timing of it, etc. I've also heard that acupuncture helps -- I've heard two success stories. And I do live in a hippie town, so there is no shortage of alternative practices.

D-Day

No sign of anything tonight. Could I really be pregnant? Am I ready for this? It's very surreal. Like I don't know if it could really be happening to me.

What will it feel like when I hear the test results? How will I react if I wake up with my period tomorrow morning?

To try to counteract the disappointment, I have created a "celebration" plan for my period. If I get my period, I'm having the biggest diet Pepsi I can find. I've been without caffeine and aspartame for nearly a month.

The odds are that I'm not pregnant. What are the chances that it took the first time? But really 10 million sperm against six total eggs (three mature, three immature)? What kind of better odds do those little guys need? It would be amazing, especially given where I was on June 25, laying on my couch, crying my eyes out, thinking that I would not be able to get pregnant with my own eggs.

And how about being excited that my period is late!? No freaking out, no praying, no making deals, no midnight runs to the grocery store for a pregnancy test to just get it over with, no staring at the stick for an hour to make sure that it hasn't changed its mind and gives you a different result.

Stay tuned.