The Rabbit Lived

I got my period. Not pregnant. And the funny thing is, I'm not sure how I exactly feel about that. Like do I really want to be pregnant by someone I met at a wedding and hooked up with, never to see again? No, that is not the ideal situation.

However, the ideal situation -- happily ever after -- doesn't seem to be happening. And I always said that if I didn't get married, I would still have a baby on my own. First I said 32, then 35 -- now I've changed my biological clock deadline to "if not married by 37 then pregnant by 38." I've changed the deadline for a number of reasons -- I wasn't where I wanted to be financially, or career-wise, and for a while not even geographically. When I was in my mid-to-late 20s, 32 seemed old. Now it's normal for people to just be getting married and settling down.

But I think the biggest reason is if I do get pregnant, if I do the single mother thing, I feel like I am giving up. It's like I'm saying to myself, that's it, the search for the man is over, let's move on to the next dream. When I tell people that, they laugh uncomfortably, they shake their heads and give me the tired line of "you've got lots of time."

Well, honestly, I really don't. Realistically I have five good years left. I do not want to be in my 60s when my child graduates from high school. So I have five good years left.

And so, even though I knew there was very little chance of me getting pregnant at the wedding (can you double precautions), there was the slim chance. And if I was, it would have been scary and maybe even awful at first. But I would have dealt with it. I would have dealt with how it would suddenly change my life. What I would need to do to prepare. And then, and then... it would have been wonderful.

Because more than anything, I want to be someone's mom.

And so I have to think that this isn't the way its supposed to happen. It's not supposed to be a drunken night of sex with someone I just met.

And so I'll be thankful, even if wistfully so, that I did get my period, that I'm not pregnant, and hope that the next time I might be in the position of waiting on my period, or hoping I don't get it, that I'm waiting and hoping with someone else. Because that's the way it should be.