Things my mother says...

I love her. She's my mother, and she has done many, many selfless and amazing things for me over the past 35 years. But as my sister Cindi says, "she's a doodle, but she's our doodle."

And sometimes she just has no clue how inconsiderate, hurtful and rude she is. And if I tried to call her on it, or confront her, I truly believe it would only make it worse. She would either get defensive or, more likely, end up in tears, apologizing for the next month.

And it's not always the content, but the condescension that goes with what she says. Here, in no particular order, is some of the Best of Fran:

Re: the princess dress she ruined...
"Lose more weight and I can fix it."

When two of my high school girlfriends were getting married in the same summer...
"Jennifer and Kelly this year, maybe you next year."

Out of the blue, making Christmas cookies...
"I had a dream you found the love of your life on e-harmony."

After my friend's wedding, I sent her pictures of me and two male friends. She cropped them so that it looked like two different pictures -- and me as a couple with each of my (married) friends. "You would have made a beautiful couple with Dave. Or Ed."

I don't remember the context, but I vividly remember where I was in the car, on Main Street in old Ellicott City, getting ready to turn left to go to Target.
"Anyone special in your life? You don't need a man anyway. You could have a baby by yourself. Men are just a pain in the ass anyway."