Thursday, October 29, 2009

Vegas Recap, part 1

I had my interview last Thursday. It was exhausting -- a full day of interviews from 10:30 to 4 plus a presentation. And at the end of the day, I'm still not even sure I even want it. I guess if I'm offered the job, I can ask for 24 hours to make a decision and worry about then.

I was getting ready to leave the office when my sister called my cell phone to say that my mom was in the hospital with chest pains. There was lots of worrying, and lots of reassurance that I should still go to Las Vegas.

I drove up to Syracuse early on Friday to see her before going to the airport, and felt better that it was more along the lines of an anxiety attack than anything to do with her heart. Once at the airport, I got my boarding pass and headed toward security only to not be able to find my license.

I went back to the ticket desk and they calmed me down and found it in my wallet, under a credit card, not where it belonged. Suddenly, I started wondering if these were signs I shouldn't be getting on a plane and heading west to see Chris.

I called Bubbles who said I was excited, it was a coincidence, relax, enjoy the anticipation of going, etc. All the right things.

A quick flight to JFK and then four hours on the plane to Las Vegas. I got in about an hour before Chris and took that time to brush my teeth and hair, freshen up and play some slots in the airport, and talk to my mother (who had since been released from the hospital and was home). I sat across from his gate and got really excited when his plane finally landed.

We took a shuttle to the airport and spent the next four or five hours walking around the casino, gambling, getting dinner, drinking. It was so much fun. Saturday was much the same way. We were up early, walked up and down most of the strip, got something to eat, and then sat at the same black jack table for eight hours.

It was so much fun to talk to different people, find out where they were from, talk to the dealers. And it was fascinating to watch how the casino was run, the pit bosses, all the cameras, security, etc. Like a movie.

Saturday night , after we were back in the room for a while, he decided to go back down to gamble. I fell asleep, but fitfully with him not next to me. Finally at 6:30, I threw jeans on and went down looking for him. He came back to the room about 7am, and when I said I was worried, he said he didn't need drama. That started a chain reaction of a bit of a fight, which was temporarily interrupted by a text from E.

For a split second, I thought about throwing it in his face. It would have felt good and given me satisfaction for exactly 30 seconds, and then it would have sucked forever. I'm not that girl. So I said nothing, other than I needed to text in a question for my friend who was hosting a show on ESPN.

He asked who it was, and I said E's name non-chalant and then went to take a shower. As soon as I was out, Chris asked how I knew him. "I thought I told you, I'm the coolest chick you know. People want to know me."

He followed me into the bedroom while I put lotion on my legs. "Seriously, how do you know him?"

I took a deep breath. I can't. "I did use to work in professional sports."

"Oh right." And that was that. "So, we're good."

"We are but...." Did I want to get into this? I had to. "You were a jerk last night."

"Why's that?"

"Remember when you came back from Iraq and the first time we were together, I told you how distant you were and how it made me feel?"

"Yea." He knew what was coming.

"You were like that last night. You were distant. You fucked me and then you left for seven hours to go gamble. And I was worried. If something happened, I wouldn't know."

"No, you wouldn't. And that's just the way it is."

"And I accept that. I have never had any expectations from you, you know that. But you will not treat me like a whore." I've never wanted anything more from him. We're friends with benefits, we see each other a few times a year (more when he's in Syracuse), but I've never pushed him to make a commitment to me, never wanted him to.

I was proud of myself, not only for standing up for myself but also for not crying, no matter how tired I was. "You're right. I'm sorry."

We were both exhausted on Sunday, but managed to have fun. We walked outside for a little while, gambled and then had lunch. He had to head to the airport by 2:30 to catch his flight (he was due back at the base that evening, or he was AWOL).

Part 2....the single girl's day in Vegas, flying solo

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

What happens in Vegas....

probably should stay in Vegas. But I will update this and the other blog in the next few days.

One of the highlights of the new tat (look it's my avatar from this blog!)

Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Week in Review and the Week Ahead

It seemed like a really long week and that the weekend would never get here. I was almost glad that I didn't have to fit in an E trip. I don't know if I updated that he had called me the previous week to tell me he had something come up at the Worldwide Leader and had to work on Monday.

As disappointed as I was that I wouldn't get to see him, I was actually relieved. It would have been doable, but it probably would have been one thing too much. And so that night we chatted, me in my bed, him in his, instead of us together. One of these days, we'll make it work.

Once I made my phone call to Baltimore, I was able to think about (and worry about) my upcoming interview. I have the schedule and now know that I have to give a 10-15 minutes presentation, to which the entire division has been invited.

Earlier this week, it was keeping me awake. I just didn't know how to start it. And I kept saying, I need to have it done before the weekend. As I wrote down random thoughts and talked to my friends at work, I started to feel more comfortable about it. It's not done before the weekend, but it's pretty close.

And so then I can start to plan for the other big thing this week. Vegas! I have what I'm wearing pretty set in my head. I bought all airline-approved sized bottles for my carry-on. And Chris and I are both getting really excited.

So for the rest of the weekend.....finishing my presentation, packing, manicure/pedicure, clean the house.

And the week.....three days of work, three days of gym (maybe four), interview from 10:30 to 4:00 on Thursday, and then Vegas on Friday.

Vegas, baby!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Painful Memories

I woke up in the middle of the night the other night, and like a movie, replayed my two pre-natal ultrasounds. I was laying there in the dark, eyes open. And I saw the heart beat, my baby's heart beat. And then the second one, when there was none.

I remembered going into work after that, in a trance, because I didn't know what else to do. And then the D&C a few days later, and the physical pain and bleeding for the next two weeks. And the emptiness.

I laid in bed, 2:30am, tears rolling down to the corner of my eye, over the bridge of my nose and across the other eye, where it met another tear.

I can go weeks without thinking about the fact that I was once pregnant, with nothing to show for it. And then suddenly, I remember, and it hits me so hard. I don't even think about how unfair it all is, just that it hurt.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Bambino vs. the bambino

That's really what it came down to. My decision about Baltimore and moving back there. I thought long and hard. I woke up early thinking about. I stayed awake late thinking about it.

I didn't talk to a lot of people about it. Mostly because I knew they wouldn't make the decision for me. Or maybe because in my hear I knew what my decision was and I didn't want to be talked out of it.

Either way, this morning I called Mike and told him that it killed me to say it, but I couldn't accept the job. And then I started to cry. I told him that I needed to be where I had a strong support system, that I couldn't have gone through what I have over the past two and a half years without the support I have up here, and I'm still going through it.

And even if that all worked itself out, if suddenly I a baby was dropped into my lap, I knew what commitment the Museum needed from me five years ago, and I can only imagine the kind of commitment it would need now. And so it came down to the fact that I can't live, breath and eat the Babe Ruth Museum and be a mom. I can't work every Saturday, can't work six days a week in the office and seven days a week out of the office and be a mom, not a good mom.

He understood. He told me he loved me, that I always had a family down there, but he knows that it's not the kind of family I need right now.

I called Johnny Z after that and told him before Mike could. He took it well, and told me it was the right decision. That I needed to take care of myself first, and at this point in my life, with what I'm trying to accomplish, I can't give up the stability of working at a college vs. the instability of a museum that is always worried about cash flow.

I could have done great things there, but I know that now is not the time to go back and put my stamp back on that place. And once the decision was made, I don't feel bad about it, I'm not second-guessing it. And that, as sad as I am for some reasons, feels good.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Decisions, decisions

I talked to my former boss (my boss from Baltimore) this morning. He offered me a job.

It's tempting -- I could be working in sports again, I'd be making more money, I'd have better weather, I'd be closer to my family in Virginia. It'd be challenging -- a job different than what I was doing when I was there five years ago. And if I was successful, it could be very rewarding.

And then it's not tempting -- I'd have to pick up and move, almost immediately, I'd be further away from most of my family, I'd be giving up a job that is fun and sometimes challenging, but a job that mostly ends at 4:30. There are no nights and weekends.

The pick up and move thing goes beyond the logistical nightmare of it happening. I could do it. I've done it before. But I also need to think about the baby thing. Do I want to derail where I am with that? Do I want to raise a baby in Baltimore? And can i raise a baby, by myself, in Baltimore?

I called Bubbles when I got off the phone with Mike, and after saying all of these things to her, she was blunt. She told me that I'm putting too much weight into my decision about a baby that may or may not happen. I didn't respond.

And after I got off the phone with her, I was hurt. When I was relaying the conversation to another friend at work, I started to tear up.

And then I was pissed.

And then I realized that it was just her opinion, I called her after all. I need to hear the other side, right?

And after thinking about it all day, I'm going to respectfully disagree with her. I have to consider the baby thing -- and I can't think about it as if it might not happen. I think I've proven over the past two and a half years that I'm not giving up.

And yes, I know there are fertility doctors in Maryland, and maybe even better resources for adoption -- so the fact that I can do it down there isn't what I'm weighing in my mind. It's whether I want to or not.

Mike ended the conversation by saying, "I want you. You need to decide if you want us."

I just don't know what the answer is. Fortunately, he is giving me until the end of the month. And if I feel like I'm leaning towards no, I will try to let him know before the end of the month. Just to be fair.

Any thoughts?

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

The Rule of 24

Normally I'm doing weekend update, but it's been a while, mostly because I've been super busy at work, so here goes the last 10 days, in no particular order.

The Good
* I love, love, love October baseball, and am so glad there is a play-in game today.
* I've been hitting the gym pretty hard, seeing results on the scale, but not so much in my clothes. I'll keep at it and hope that one morning, everything will be big on me.

The Bad (as in I'm a bad girl)
* Chris and I have been chatting and he convinced me that I should meet him in Las Vegas for a long weekend. When I told him that I really couldn't justify spending that kind of money on plane fare, he told me he would pay. So, I'm going to Las Vegas on October 23. I've never been and I'm so excited.

Of course, I told my mother I was going with Bubbles. Her response, "maybe you'll meet the man of your dreams while you're there." Yea, good call not telling her I was meeting a boy there.

* E texted me the other night while I was winding down my conference at work. He wanted to see me on Monday (as in yesterday). I told him no, but possibly next Monday. He said okay. I immediately texted Bubbles. "If I see E on the 12th and Chris on the 23rd, does that make me some kind of whore."

Her quick response. "Hell no. I believe in the rule of 24, as long as there are 24 hours between each one, you're okay. If you were seeing E at 1pm and Chris at 3, we'd have to talk..."

I don't know why it bothered. It's not like I wasn't juggling BB and Chris at the same time when I lived in Baltimore. I'm surprised she didn't remind me of that.

The Ugly
* The conference that I've been planning for the past 18 months happened this weekend -- huge success, but exhausting. I worked 30 hours in two days. i don't think I'll be caught up on my sleep until this weekend.
* Living in Ithaca, with all these hills, is tough on cars. Case in point, new rotors and brake pads, front and back. Ugh! Good thing Chris is paying for Vegas!

I will be better with my posts, I promise. The conference is over, and I'm back on a more routine schedule.

Next up: I have my home study for international adoption on Thursday. Stay tuned.