Happy Halloween

I'm exhausted. I was up at 6, on the road by 7:10 and in Syracuse by 8:30 to spend the entire day at the hospital while my mom had surgery. All went well thankfully. And she is now home and resting. When I called a friend of hers to let her know that the surgery was over, she asked if my dad was driving me crazy, I said "no, we're really the same person. We've been sitting here for three hours, not really talking, just reading our books."

And we really are cut from the same cloth.

Ovarian Resting

I went in for my baseline ultrasound this morning -- I have two cysts. One is small and the tech thought that one wouldn't be a problem, but in the other ovary, a bigger one. Too big to allow to go through the cycle this month and attempt insemination. So I'm resting my ovaries this month.

It's frustrating. And at the same time, feeling the frustration makes me feel as if I'm not entitled to feel this bad. Women with serious fertility issues go years of this, I've had two failed attempts over four months. And I've been told by professionals that I'm going to get pregnant eventually. I'm doing everything they are telling me to do -- I'm eating as organically as I can; I've cut out caffeine, artificial sweeteners, alcohol; I'm cutting stress out of my life as best I can; I'm exercising and resting; I'm doing to acupuncture and doing everything she tells me to do.

I have to keep remembering that all of this -- all the frustration, the roller coaster of emotions, the impatience, the sadness and fear -- all of it will make the end result that much sweeter. All of it will make that baby that much more worth it. I have to remember that.

Not Knocked Up

As I knew would happen, as I suspected would be the case, I woke up with my period this morning. The test on Friday night was right. I'm kind of numb but not surprised, I think because this time around, I knew the disappointment so as best I could, I kept my hopes in check.

I haven't told anyone yet. I don't want to say it out loud, I'm afraid that if I actually say it and hear the sympathy in the other person's voice, I will break. So I'm spending my Sunday keeping busy -- doing bills even though I don't get paid until Wednesday, grocery shopping, football and Law & Order marathon (thank goodness for picture in picture) -- and not talking to anyone. I know this can't go on all day, but I'm going to keep it this way as long as I can.

I know this is only my second try, but it is so counter-intuitive to everything we've been talk, everything we were brought up hearing. "Don't have sex -- even just once, and you'll get pregnant." They never tell you that the chances are so slim, the window of when everything is lined up has to be so exact...but somehow it happens.

And so I have to believe that it will happen, somehow, it will happen. For today, I get to be sad. Tomorrow, I'll put on my happy face and positive spin.

All Good Signs

I had my doctor appointment today, my second attempt at getting pregnant. I try not to read into signs, but I can't help myself:

• today is my mom's birthday
• my would-be due date is my niece's birthday and my friend's anniversary
• if I don't get my period, I get my blood work done on same friend's birthday
• at the time of my appointment, my friend in Baltimore saw an Ithaca College bumper sticker, a New York state license plate, and a pregnant woman

I had two really good acupuncture appointments, yesterday and today, and I have two different fertility meditation CD's to listen to. Here's hoping I'm knocked up.

A-Rod

I honestly didn't expect the Yankees to get to the World Series. As much as I hate to admit it, Boston has a better team. The Yankees' pitching is old and inconsistent. I did expect them to beat Cleveland.

So Hot Stove baseball starts now for me. Who's going to be there next year? And who will the manager be? Please no LaRussa. Mattingly doesn't have the experience.

A-Rod could become more beloved in New York City than Derek Jeter, by uttering one sentence:

"I will not opt out of my contract as long as Joe Torre is the manager of the Yankees next year."

Not gonna happen....but it's a nice thought.

My mother's new-found inability to not listen

I called my mom from work one day this week. I don't even remember the reason, but as I was on the phone, I mentioned to her that I had had an ultrasound that morning, and the cysts are gone so I can try again this month.

"The what?"

"The cysts." And realizing that that's probably a hard word to understand over the phone, "c-y-s-t-s."

"Oh, okay."

And that was it. We hung up and I went back to work. Two hours later, my phone rang. I could tell by the caller ID that it was her.

"Hello?"

"I'm so excited your cysts are gone -- I can't believe it."

I literally sat there dumbfounded. Even pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at it. "Um...yea, two hours later."

"Well, I was in the middle of something."

Ah-ha, yea, well.....

I get so frustrated with her. She does this all the time. My sisters, nieces and I all compare notes. How you can be on the phone with Fran and she totally isn't listening. If you've got something better to do, then don't be on the phone with us. Don't fake listening and excitement when you have no idea what I just said.

I was at my parent's on Thursday and my father was accusing my mother of not telling him something. And she said, "I told you, you just don't listen."

Yea, life's a bitch, isn't it Fran?

Thinning

I spotted last week, about four days before I was supposed to get my period. I think I mentioned that. I had an ultrasound on Monday (the day before I should have gotten it) and all the cysts were gone. Yeah! So we just needed to wait for my period.

Everything goes from day 1. Day 2, I get blood work done. Days 4 through 8, I take Clomid. Day 13, I get an ultrasound and a shot of hCG. day 14, insemination.

Day 31 of my cycle...and still nothing. I called the doctor's office. After reviewing my ultrasounds images, with the new information that there was nary a sign of my period, the doctor said that my walls were too thing, I probably wouldn't get a period. So I started to take the Clomid today (on what could be viewed as day 5).

I'll get an ultrasound -- follicle check -- next Monday. And if all looks good, order the baby batter for the next day. I'm not getting too excited about it. Given that this is a weird month, I'm preparing myself for the ultrasound to not be an "all systems go."

Acupuncture has been going well. The herbs taste awful -- even in hot apple cider. It's so relaxing, I even fall asleep while I'm on the table.

Jenn (my friend who had to successful IVF's) suggested fertility meditation CDs. I've found some, but they all have to do with IVF treatment. I did find one preparing the body for insemination, but it's in the UK. There has to be one in the US.

I'm Wireless

My computer finally died -- so I bought a laptop the other day and the cable company came out today to make me wireless. Its hard to get used to this keyboard.

The guys that came this morning were kind of shady -- they were sub contractors. here for less than 10 minutes, and left saying I was all set. Unfortunately, I wasn't. I couldn't get online. So I called -- 45 minutes later, still no luck. So they sent someone else out. Someone who officially worked for the company.

He was very sweet, and got me all set. He flirted a little and when he told me he was glad to help the "cute Yankees fan." Even gave me his cell phone number in case I run into any more problems. Yeah, all the married men love me, even the Time Warner guys.