More Updates

My muscles ache. But the pain is good. I'll accept it. Pain is good. Shaking is good. It means your muscles are working. I get to weigh myself in six days. That better be good. I will say, that I have found my confidence level higher. I talk to more people, more strangers. Not like crazy woman, but I engage in more eye contact, I chat with more people at the gym. And I actually bought sweatpants that fit me this weekend. I'm not hiding behind baggy clothes (okay, so my t-shirt drawer needs a make-over). It's all good.

* * *

Chris is coming for lunch this week. I know, I know. We'll just leave it at that. At this point, I'm in control of the situation and my emotions. At this point. He makes me feel good, he fills a void, even if its temporary. And the fact that he has sucked me in before -- I know the signs, I know how he operates -- and I can protect myself, I will protect myself.

* * *

I made a decision about B (yes, the B sage continues). And it will seem trivial to all probably, but to me, it is symbolic and empowering. I'm not making cookies for him anymore. (okay, everyone laugh and giggle together). Seriously, he's the type of person who makes it so easy for people to want to cater to him, to take care of him, he'll even give some emotional attachment back, but he'll only go so far. Last week, he got a promotion. And I thought, I should make him cookies this weekend. Then he worked incredibly hard on the new website designs, putting in 15-hour days. Again, cookies seemed the obvious choice.

And then I had a shower moment, because I sometimes I really do my best thinking in the shower. He doesn't deserve the time and care that I would take to make him cookies. He's jerked me around, he's crossed the line, he hasn't followed through, whatever -- however you want to classify it. It's too easy for me to take care of men like this and settle for nothing in return. And I need to stop doing it.

And so while I may make cookies to bring into work for a group meeting, I will no longer be making B his own batch, his own care package, his favorite kind. In fact, I might purposedly not make snickerdoodles for work, ever again.

Random Thoughts

I haven't weighed myself yet. It's been hard. How do I know if I'm doing well? How do I know if I'm losing weight? I've become so dependent on that number as a justification, as reinforcement -- that I'm feeling lost without it. And of course, the practical side of my brain is saying that this is exactly why I shouldn't weigh myself. Still....it's hard.

* * *

Do we really need two weeks between the end of the playoffs and the Super Bowl? All the excitement of last weekend's games have diminished, and now we have get the hype started all over again as all the media arrives in Detroit today.

Yes, it's nice to have the season get us that much closer to Spring Training, but with two weeks off, I'm almost over football at this point.

(more later)

You Were Always on my Mind

I love the commercial -- and I don't even know what product is being advertised -- where the women are walking through all sorts of daily life routines and a scale is chained to them, and Willie Nelson is singing in the background.

The scale is a funny thing (just as the mind was yesterday). I'm terrified of it -- and yet, I love it and can totally become obsessed with it. When I'm doing well in my eating and exercising, when I feel like I'm "on," I want to weigh myself all the time. It has become normal for me to weigh myself twice a day -- in the morning and when I get home from the gym at night. It was something I looked forward to, something that I would rely upon to guage my mood. Triumph! Euphoria! Success!

And then I hit the skids. The anniversary party -- and beer with my family. Thanksgiving -- and way too much good food and dessert. The holiday season in general -- and more good food and Christmas cookies. Virginia for a week -- out of my routine. And so 9.5 pounds later, I struggled to get back on track. I made a galliant effort after the first of the year, but by not having my gym open yet, it didn't feel right. I didn't have it in me.

And then this past weekend, I hit the bottom. Eating uncontrollably, even when I wasn't hungry. Food can become my addiction, my drug of choice. I know that. I have to remember how awful I felt on Sunday -- and never want to feel like that again.

I've had a really good week of eating normal and healthy. And I don't feel deprived. I've a great week of work-outs -- added lots of diversity into my ab work and cardio, and can feel it in my body. I certainly can attest to the "pain is good" mantra. And I so wanted to weigh myself this week. So many times. Tuesday night. Wednesday morning. Wednesday night . . . and on and on.

But I made a deal with my trainer. I'm not weighing myself until February 6. That was the day I started all of this last year. It seemed like a good day to remember -- it was Super Bowl Sunday. It is also Babe Ruth's birthday. For that reason, way more than the Super Bowl, it is a date I will always remember. So February 6th -- she wants me to wait. She wants me to stop obsessing over the scale, over the numbers. If I don't have the numbers to rely on, I'll use my other senses to know how I'm doing. How do my clothes feel? How do I look in the mirror?

I did cheat once this week. I needed to know that I didn't completely blow it all last weekend. But it was quick -- and more of a ballpark figure. I don't even remember the number -- I just needed to know the range. I think I did that Tuesday morning.

So no scale until next Monday. I made a promise -- and I've also made a note. On my scale, covering the numbers window, I have a post-it, that simply reads: "Is today February 6th? Then step off, bitch!"

Hopefully, each morning, I will get the message.

The Mind is a Funny Thing

The other day, I felt blah. I felt tired, like I wanted to sleep for several days. And I felt out of control. I couldn't stop myself from eating everything in sight, and knew I was in trouble when I busted open the bag of chocolate chips.

I don't know if it helped to confess this out of control feeling, that I was unmotivated, that I binged -- alot -- but for whatever reason, it did. I told my closest friends at work. And I told my trainer on Monday at the gym. She said we'd work at it Wednesday night when she was in. Tuesday, she e-mailed me and said that her volleyball practice got canceled and she'd work out with me that night. Ninety minutes later -- of gruelling cardio, weights and abs -- and I have my motivation back.

Yesterday, my body ached. It was sore -- every muscle. Today, even more so. But all in a good way. Last night, I was getting some frozen veggies out of the freezer and saw the half-eaten bag of chocolate chips. If my mind was in the same place it was just two days earlier, I would have dumped the whole thing in my mouth, without even thinking. Last night, I barely noticed they were there.

What is it? What is that trigger that seems to shut itself off and on? I can see how easily an eating disorder could get out of control, how that rational part of you understands that what you're doing isn't right, but there's nothing you can do to stop it or yourself.

The Mid-Winter Blues

I haven't written in a while -- I heard it from my niece tonight. Though even if she hadn't commented, certainly I knew that I hadn't written in a while. And it's been weighing on my mind. Not only that I haven't, but that I felt I had nothing to write about.

I went to visit my high school friend yesterday -- she's got a two year old and is pregnant with twins -- and then up to Syracuse to spend the night at my niece's. All around me I see it -- what I don't have. And then I came home to feel completely over-whelmed by work. And not the fact that I brought work home with me, but that I still don't feel that instinct I think I should have. All of this spirals into this over-whelming feeling, this feeling that this is it. This is my life, for better or worse. This is why I get up in the morning, this is why I go to work.

My eating has also been out of control the past few days, maybe even the past week, off and on. I need to get that "thing" back, that motivation, that willpower that I used to have. I could so easily gain back the nearly 40 pounds that I've lost in the last year. And I can't.

I actually found myself eating today, just for the sake of it. Because something sounded good. Even after I was bordering on feeling satisfied/full, I munched on pretzels and baked chips. Thank god, I don't keep "true" junk food in my house, though the bag of chocolate chips in the freezer has gotten smaller.

So how do I get it back? How do I feel in control of eating and exercise? How do I feel comfortable at my job? And how do I get that feeling back that it's all worth it, that it's all moving me forward, moving toward something bigger and better?

city streets, city scapes
water flowing
leaves blowing
children laughing
strangers talking
lovers kissing
who's crying
someone's dying

Miscellaneous Updates

I had a meeting on campus with someone who is very involved in the community, and I told her about my recent job interview. First, she was mortified that I didn't get offered the job.

"How much more experience were they hoping you would have?!"

My thought exactly, but...oh well.

Then she said, "You would have been miserable there. I know so many people who are trying to flee. Its going to be a mass exodus there in the next few months. You would have been going to a parallel universe of bosses -- hands-off and micro-managing at the same time."

So, everything really does happen for a reason, I guess. I'm glad I didn't know any of this before the interview -- and I really don't think she would have told me -- but it certainly helps to cushion the blow of not getting the offer for the position.

* * *

I'm going to Baltimore in May, to help out at a charity event that I used to help organize. They wanted me to go back for it last year, but they asked me too late. So this year, I'm planning on it. Lots of old friends, lots of athletes -- some of which are both to me.

It's my gym motivation for now, knowing that I will be seeing people that I haven't seen since June 2004. That was a lot of pounds and a lot of body fat ago.

Century Club

Inspired by Just Thinking from a few months back, here is my list of 100 things about me:

1. I am the youngest of eight.
2. There are five girls and three boys in my family.
3. In the nieces and nephews generation, there are also five girls and three boys.
4. I get along with all but one of my siblings.
5. Ironically, the one that I don't get along with now, we used to be very close.
6. Sometimes I feel like an outsider in my family.
7. I have a tattoo -- Mickey Mouse wearing a Yankees hat.
8. When I graguated from college in 1993, I weighed 252 pounds.
9. Thankfully, I no longer weigh 252 pounds.
10. I am afraid that I'll never get married.
11. I'm even more afraid that I'll never have a child.
12. My fears and insecurities are directly related to my self-perception and weight issues.
13. At various points in my life, I've tried to be bulimic.
14. It never worked.
15. I've wondered about suicide as an option.
16. It never was.
17. My favorite color is blue.
18. I like to think of myself as a "pink" person, though.
19. I hate red on me.
20. I hate my hips.
21. I love my waist -- and I have a great rack.
22. I have red hair.
23. It's my favorite feature on me.
24. My hair is naturally curly.
25. I use a straightening iron on it almost every day.
26. I never wanted a career growing up.
27. I wanted to be a housewife.
28. I would like to start by my own business as an event planner.
29. I'm neurotically organized.
30. I live by lists -- personally and professionally.
31. I like logic puzzles.
32. I watch way too much TV.
33. I can't wait for baseball season to start.
34. I'm concerned about the Yankees starting pitching.
35. I love to read fiction.
36. I'm not a big fan of non-fiction.
37. I've met lots of professional athletes, current and former.
38. I was only nervous with Yogi Berra and Vin Scully.
39. Though I had the chance, I never wanted to meet Derek Jeter.
40. I had an 18-month fling a former professional football player.
41. He is 20 years older than me.
42. I still miss him sometimes.
43. I think bald (or balding) men are incredibly sexy.
44. My football player had a great head of thick hair.
45. I prefer silver or platinum over gold.
46. I have a right-hand diamond ring.
47. It is white gold.
48. It belonged to my father's aunt, from her marriage in the 1920s.
49. I believe in love at first sight.
50. It hasn't happened to me yet.
51. I've been in love twice.
52. Both times, my heart was broken.
53. Pink roses are my favorite flower.
54. I also like lilies a lot.
55. Casey is my first cat.
56. Her full name is Casey Ruth Jeter.
57. I always had at least one dog growing up.
58. I am afraid of the water.
59. I love scary movies and roller coasters.
60. I'd like to have twins.
61. But only in a marriage.
62. If I do the single mom thing, I already have names picked out.
63. I have insomnia.
64. Most nights, I am awake for two or three hours.
65. Sometimes I wake up and never go back to sleep.
66. My mother had a nervous breakdown 10 years ago.
67. I was once treated for depression.
68. The doctor wanted to put me on medication.
69. I refused.
70. My second greatest fear -- to turn into my mother.
71. My father was 40 when I was born.
72. I am afraid he will die before I get married.
73. In college, I had a recurring dream that I was getting married.
74. But I never saw the groom in my dream.
75. I haven't had that dream in at least 10 years.
76. I wish I had kept in touch with more high school friends.
77. My graduating class has never had a high school reunion.
78. When we get closer to 20 years (2008), I will probably volunteer to organize it.
79. I'd like to get back into writing.
80. I'd like to publish a novel or book of short stories.
81. A lot of my stories have a similar theme or thread -- wronged woman, cheating man.
82. Where some women have a "dork magnet," I have a "married man magnet."
83. Having known many men who shouldn't be trusted, I wonder if I will ever completely trust one.
84. I don't consider this cynical -- just realistic.
85. In the e-mail age, I still send birthday cards and handwritten thank you notes.
86. I am in the best health of my life right now.
87. Growing up and in my teens and 20s, I was annually sick (mostly bronchitis) at the beginning and end of winter.
88. I haven't been sick in almost two years.
89. I hope that 40 really is the new 30.
90. I try to go to Cooperstown at least once a year.
91. As much as I've been to Cooperstown, I've never been to any of the other museums -- just the Hall of Fame.
92. I would like to run some sort of business in Cooperstown.
93. It could be a coffee shop/bookstore or a bed and breakfast.
94. I would also like to serve on the board at the Hall of Fame.
95. I eat m&m's one color at a time.
96. I do the same thing with Necco wafers.
97. I prefer peanut to plain m&m's -- and I throw away the black Necco's.
98. I would hate to again live in a city without a Wegmans.
99. I think I shop too much.
100. I would rather buy things for other people than for myself.

IC, I Stay

I called on the job this morning. I asked B yesterday if he had heard anything, him being one of my references. He had been out Tuesday and Wednesday, so I was hoping that he had a message on his voice mail. He didn't. So I called.

"Hello Ellie...how are you this fine day?"

"Fine, Fred, thanks. Happy new year."

"You, too."

"I was calling to follow-up and see where things stand with public relations position."

"Well, we made an offer to another person and that offer has been accepted. You should be receiving a letter today -- I sent it out yesterday."

Deep breath. Don't cry. With a smile, "oh, okay, thanks."

"I will tell you that it came down to you and this other person and it was a really difficult decision. You were our second choice."

Keep smiling. "Thank you, that's nice to hear."

And then there was some thanking for the time I spent pulling all my shit together, blah blah, take care, blah.

And so there it is. The PR Goddess was so close to a comeback. I'm bummed about it. Disappointed. A lot, in fact. But not as much as I thought I might be. Knowing that the salary range might have been an issue, I'm grateful that I get to keep to my current budget. I'm not sure what would have been worse -- not getting the job or getting the job and having to reject their offer because of salary. And I do get to keep going to my gym on campus, and have my free personal trainer.

And so look at me, being a positive glass half full kind of person. So maybe I do only get my hips from my mother -- and not her penchant for negativity.

Resolutions

Inspired by my niece, who had some pretty good resolutions -- not only do-able but enriching, here are mine for 2006:

* continue to work out and get healthier, another 40 pounds by the end of the year
* get out more -- even if its just to Barnes & Noble or happy hour
* find a church in Ithaca -- and go to mass at least twice a month
* continue to pay off the credit cards & make extra car payments
* be in touch more with my "regional" friends
* do more writing -- not just here, but some creative writing

Thank God it's Not Really Monday

It was so hard to get out of bed this morning. Too hard.

I mean really...after almost two weeks of sleeping, not until noon like my niece, but past 8 am each day made it especially difficult when the alarm went off at 6:20 this morning. Having no motivation to come into work didn't make it any easier.

I managed to get through the morning by catching up with people at work and re-doing my "to do" list, helping me adjust back to the rat race. I've gotten a few things done and set myself up to work on two really big projects tomorrow. And now, it's almost time for an end-of-day meeting. I honestly didn't think that I would make it through the day.

Bubbles has a job interview tomorrow -- good luck!

I promise my life will get more interesting and I'll stop bitching soon -- I just need to be crabby for one more day.

On the bright side, tomorrow is hump day, (to quote Brother Wease) "and later, we will."