Sunday, May 31, 2009

Pretty Woman

My friend Jill is out of town and I'm cat sitting. Which really means I drop by her house every three days or so, bring in her mail and make sure her cats have food and water. And usually, I'll hang out there for about half an hour to visit with the kitties. Not a big deal.

This morning I went over and on the kitchen counter was brand new Vera Bradley bag "from" the kitties. It was so sweet. I love the style -- totally different from my usual choices, but I wasn't crazy about the color. You'd think you couldn't go wrong with anything pink -- and usually that would be the case -- but I'm not crazy about the yellow.

There are three places in town that sell Vera Bradley -- a jewelry store at the mall, and on each of the campuses. I went to the mall to exchange it. It's Sunday. I'm in my "Sunday best" -- baseball hat, sweatshirt, capri sweat pants.

I walked into the store and was not acknowledged. I spent a good 10 minutes pulling different bags down and examining them. No one asked how I was doing, if I needed help, etc. Finally, I decided on one I liked. Same bag, different color. And decided to get the matching coin purse.

At the desk, the woman was on her cell phone, obviously retrieving messages. When she was done, she still hadn't asked me how I was or if I had found everything okay. I finally just took the lead. "I received this as a gift, and need to exchange it."

"Do you have a receipt?"

"It was a gift. The tag is still on it."

"I need the receipt. Can you call the person you got it from and get the invoice number off the receipt?"

"No. She's on vacation. She left it for me at her house this morning. I'm watching her cats. It's an exact exchange. Can't you just do it? Please?"

"No. That's not the way our system works. Get the receipt and you can come back and exchange it."

I smiled and put my purse back in the gift bag. "No, that's okay. I'd rather keep it than give this store any business." And with that, I walked out.

I've worked retail on and off for nearly 20 years. It's just basic common courtesy. Say hello when people walk in. Ask if they need help, and if they say no, leave them alone. If they look indecisive while they're shopping, go over and offer an opinion. And if you're on the phone -- business or personal -- acknowledge the person that walks up to the counter. Even if you have to whisper, "I'll be right with you."

The unfortunate thing is that this is one of the nicer jewelry stores in town. However, while it may be a nice store, it's still just a jewelry store in a fucking mall in Ithaca, not on Rodeo Drive or Fifth Avenue.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Getting Bigger

I had yoga in Syracuse last night, and then went up there again this morning for a follicle check. Before leaving the house this morning, I changed my clothes several times, looked at my belly in the mirror and finally pulled a maternity top out of the clothes my niece gave me.

Even if I'm never pregnant, I know what I look like. The good news, I have actually lost a pound this month; the bad, I look five months pregnant. Thankfully I could sit at my desk most of the day once I got to work.

The doctor appointment went well -- my biggest follicle is 15mm and the rest are coming up behind it. So I'll go back on Friday, and the nurse said that my retrieval could be as early as Monday or Tuesday next week.

Monday, May 25, 2009


That was the word the nurse used today when she looked at my left ovary. The follicles in the right seem to be growing, but the left ovary looks "sluggish," so they've upped my Gonal-F from 450 to 600. Can't wait to experience the side effects. I go back on Wednesday for another follicle check. At this point, I'm guessing retrieval at the end of next week.

I talked to my sister over the weekend. It was her birthday and she's getting ready for my parents' visit. I told her about how our dad's mouth and bigotry has gotten worse over the past year. And whether he says things to get a rise out of me or it really is just old age, it still pisses me off and embarrasses me. How the "n" word comes out of his mouth, even though I've told both of my parents that it bothers me, especially given my upcoming choices related to adoption.

This is my last month to give him a white grandchild, most likely. And would I love to get pregnant this month? More than anything. And it has absolutely nothing to do with it being a white child, it has to do with wanting to experience being pregnant, to understand that special feeling and privilege that comes with being a pregnant woman.

If I don't get pregnant, I will see what options I have through DSS and simultaneously move forward with private adoption. My options as single woman are the United States (although I'm not sure what exactly that means), Ethiopia, Nepal and Kazakhstan.

Kazakhstan requires two trips; not really feasible in my situation. So maybe the United States (and almost certainly a child of color), Nepal and Ethiopia. Any would be absolutely fine with me. And whether or not, it's fine with my father, I will try not to care.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Winding Down

My follicles are slow-growing, but everyone at the FG's office is so great. "It's okay, slow and steady wins the race." It made me feel better when even I could tell on the ultrasound that there was little change from Wednesday to Friday. But there are seven, so I'll take that as a good sign.

The baseball game last night was great. And at one point, I realized that I had been so into the game and keeping score and enjoying my friends, that I had actually not thought about the baby project for like four or five innings. Amazing.

Today my sister, niece and nephews came to visit. It was so much fun. We went to Buttermilk Falls, had a picnic of Subway and McDonald's and then played on the playground for an hour. Once they left, I had a marathon of laundry-washing, grocery shopping, and banking -- and home in time for the Yankees-Phillies game.

Laundry put away, fruit and veggies cut up and in the fridge, sheets changed. Tomorrow, clean and steam the rugs, mop the floors and take a nap. :)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

A Whirlwind Week

Sunday, I worked all day. It was commencement, and I was responsible for getting the pictures immediately from the photographers and uploading them to the website.

Monday, I met my parents for dinner after work. They are leaving for San Diego next week for vacation and wanted to see me. I thought it was amusing that while talking about ESPN, my father told me that he thinks E is "an asshole."

I tried not to giggle too much. "Why? He's great when he's on Mike & Mike."

"I can't stand him. He's not as good as Mike and Mike." I'll remember that the next time he fucks me.

Tuesday, I left work early to head up to Syracuse for yoga for fertility class at the FG's office. It was really great. I enjoyed it a lot. And given that this is my last show, I'm trying to do everything I can, giving myself the best chance to get pregnant this month.

After class, I stopped at Gannon's (one of my favorite places in Syracuse) for ice cream and drove home. Got home about 8:15, jumped in the shower, fell asleep to the Yankees game by 9:15.

This morning I was awake at 5am, out of bed at 5:30 and out the door at 6. Back to Syracuse for a follicle check. I decided -- again, because this is the last month -- that I would do my follicle checks in Syracuse. Last month dragged on too long, and maybe things would have been different if FG's office had been monitoring me instead of my local doctor sending reports up. I had at 7:30 appointment and was at my desk by a little after 9. After work tonight, I have an appointment with Lucia at 5:30. It will be an even earlier night to bed tonight.

Tomorrow, I've got acupuncture at 4, and meeting a friend for dinner at 6. Friday morning, another trip to Syracuse, for an 8am appointment. Friday night, B-Mets game in Binghamton. Saturday, my niece and sister are coming down for the day. And Monday, my bonus day off, I have to go back to Syracuse for an 8:30 appointment.

Sometime in there, I have to do laundry and clean the house. And I'm definitely going to need a nap, at least one day.

I'm tired just thinking about it, and just want to put my head down.

Updates on J and E to come...(didn't get to see E this week, he had to go to NYC for work, but he was so sweet about being bummed that it almost made up for it)

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Shooting Up Already

I went in yesterday for my baseline ultrasound and blood work. I start with the ovary stimulants tonight. Still on 450 of the Gonal-F, but they are doubling the Menopur (from 75 to 150). I gained eight pounds in 11 days last month -- I'm so looking forward to what the drugs will do to my body this month.

I weighed myself the other day, pre-period, and I am officially up 34 pounds from the start of all of this. I know. I know. It doesn't matter. But it does. It's so hard to get dressed each day. It's so hard to feel good about myself in clothes other than sweatpants and jeans.

But this is it. I'm either pregnant this month or I start working out hard-core with Adam again. And that's that.

With the double hormones, who knows what my follicle growth will be like, so that really only gives me a window of this week with E. I texted him last night and asked if he had time on Wednesday or Thursday. We're going back and forth on details for Wednesday, still very much up in the air.

It's amazing how starting this cycle again really puts my focus right back on that. So much so that if I don't get to see E this week, I'll be a little disappointed, but whatever.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

10,000th visitor

I'm very close to having had 10,000 visits to this little site of mine. I know I don't have a huge base of readers, but those of you who do read, read regularly. If you happen upon this page and see 10,000 on the site meter, send me a note or write me a comment. I'd love to know who the lucky 10,000th visitor is. Maybe I'll even send you a present.

The First Flaw with the FG

The Fertility Guru rents out the Syracuse zoo once a year for his families. There are magicians, face painters, activities for kids, etc. It's something that I've heard about from my friends, and something that I look forward to being able to go to someday.

Friday, I got home from work after hearing about my negative blood test. I cried several times on the way home and was looking forward to curling up on my chair with Casey and not thinking about anything.

I got my mail and there was an invitation in there for FG's event at the zoo. Seriously? This had to be some kind of mistake. Or maybe I was being overly sensitive. I did just get horrible news a mere three hours earlier. I called a friend who had used FG for her three kids.

"That's wrong. You need to address this with him."

I polled other friends, and everyone agreed that it wasn't right that I got it. I shouldn't have been invited. I thought about saying something to one of the nurses when I was up there on Monday, getting checked for my UTI, but chickened out.

Today, I saw the invitation on my desk and decided that I would write to FG. I had Hope and Heather help with the wording, and even though I typed it on the computer, in the end, we felt that a hand-written note was best.

And so...

Dear FG,

I received the invitation last week to the Party with the Animals event, and can only hope that there was a mistake with the mailing list.

If there was no mistake, and I really should have received it, I would ask you to reconsider sending invitations to events like this – where there will be lots of success stories in person – to women who have yet to be successfully pregnant.

I’ve known about this event from my friends who have had children with your help. I’ve been excited about the day that I can go with my own child.

In every other instance, I have been given the utmost support and encouragement from you and your entire staff. But I couldn't let this go by without letting you know how I felt.

Ellie Lincoln

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

And it was all about baseball....

I had a fabulous time in Cooperstown, walking leisurely through the museum, reading label copy. There were lots of old people there. And there is nothing better than hearing old men talk about baseball. They saw it, they were around when Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier, some remember Babe Ruth's barnstorming days.

I saw my favorite exhibit, of any museum I've ever been in. It's simple. It's effective. It stands the test of time.

(Ted Williams' strike zone and his batting average based on pitch location)

I thought about E on the drive there (dirty thoughts, all). It helped pass the time. Whoever was responsible did a really poor job building this state. In two hours and 10 minutes, I went from the middle of nowhere to the middle of nowhere, and passed through nothing but open fields, cows and trailer parks.

After the museum, I had lunch at the pizzeria. Cooperstown is actually small enough that I can say "the pizzeria" and be specifically talking about only one place. they have the best NY-style pizza. I always eat there when I'm in the Holy Land. I got a cookie from the bakery for my ride home, and then headed north and west.

And then as I was driving home, I got a text from J. "Hey, so give me an update."

I texted him back. "driving call me"

Two minutes later, his ring. He figured that I would have had a blood test in the past week (even my mother couldn't figure that out) and wanted to know what was up. I told him I had gotten a negative test, and that I had one IVF left before my fertility insurance ran out.

"I'm sorry babe."

And I told him that I had actually been thinking about emailing him, that I needed to put a bug in his ear that if the next IVF doesn't work out, my friends will be putting a raffle together to help with the adoption costs. "A Carmelo ball would do really well up here..."

"Of course, babe, anything you need. Just let me know and I'll get you some stuff."

We talked basketball play-offs, more baby stuff. It was friendly, professional, and not at all inappropriate. Of course, he's heading up to Jersey tomorrow to visit his brother. It was hard to tell if it's a solo trip or not. I'm guessing if it is, I'll be getting a phone call in the next few nights. Which I will ignore.

Kind of ironic, that he called today. If my original plans had worked out, I would have been freshly showered, in a bathrobe, sipping wine, sitting on a bed in a hotel, waiting for E when he called. I know that I wouldn't have rubbed that in his face, but it would have been nice to have that option.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Change of Plans

I got four beeps at lunch. "hey gorgeous..."

And then, "can you call me about 430?"

That couldn't be good. I figured he was canceling, but on the bright side, if he was canceling, at least he was calling. Not doing it over text (a very J move, if he texted at all).

I called him and yes, he was canceling. He has his kids unexpectedly from tonight through Sunday. "But is there an airport in Ithaca? It might just be easier if I flew you here. Then neither of us has to drive."

So I looked up flights and prices -- less than $200. "Let's talk tomorrow and set up a date. I really wanted to see you, and I don't want to cancel without setting something else up."

How very adult. Of course this is the way a man is supposed to handle this. Shit happens, things come up. And so, while I'm pretty disappointed that I don't get my consolation prize after my negative test, I have no doubt that he'll make it up to me when we see each other.

I'm still taking the day off. I'm going to the Mother Land (Cooperstown) for a trip to the Hall of Fame. It'll be a nice day to myself, away from the office, away from home, away from DSS and fertility treatments. It'll be about nothing but baseball.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Manny Tested Positive for hCG....

I didn't.

I'm going to meet E on Wednesday.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

The Consolation Prize

My blood test is within the next week. I've been alternately scared and hopeful, trying not to read into the tiredness, my contacts bugging me and the slight twinges in my lower abdomen.

E texted me last night. "in seattle...thinkin bout that mouth"

I slept through the beeps. I wrote back to him this morning. And the sexting started. And then he laid it out there. "we need to hook up. soon."

"next week?"

We planned on next Wednesday, same hotel, about 5:30pm. And then I googled "sex after IVF." Depending on the website, the general consensus is either no sex until the first ultrasound at six weeks, or no sex until the second trimester -- if the doctor let them have sex at all during the pregnancy.

And so, I'll know for sure by Monday. If I'm pregnant, I'll tell him it's a no go. And I'll finally explain to him what's going on in my life. If I'm not, I get to have really great, mind-blowing sex next week, bruised stomach and all. (Yea, that's hot.)

As much as I want to see him again, as much as I want to be with him again, I hope I don't get to.

Friday, May 01, 2009


I saw Lucia last week for the first time in a month. We talked about E, Chris bring back via telephone, and how J somehow has this pull on me. And she asked me, "what do you want from these guys?"

"Well, I know that J or Chris can't give me a long-term relationship. E's life is complicated as he's going through a painful divorce with small children, so maybe somewhere down the road..."

"Don't tell me what they can't give you. You've known that all along. Tell me what you want from them?"

"Honestly? I want sex."

"You're in heat."

"Excuse me?"

And then she explained her theory. As the very basic level, our bodies are meant to make babies. And by making babies, we have sex. And to make it easier, each month as we get close to ovulation, we become a little more amorous, a little hornier, because that's when we're supposed to have sex to make babies.

My body has all the hormones for making babies. And has -- at all sorts of levels -- for the past two years. And I'm doing all of this with only occasional sex. I'm in heat.

I explained it to Hope the day we went to Syracuse together. She laughed and thought it made all the sense in the world. "Especially when you were getting ready to go meet E, and I was worried about you getting attached, and you said 'this is just about me having sex, nothing more, nothing less.'"

And so my mood has leveled out, more or less.