Am I?

I've been whaffling back and forth -- I "feel" that I'm pregnant...I don't know...I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm trying not to get obsessed about it and I think, for the most part, that I've been pretty patient and haven't been dwelling on it.

With the exception of constantly being light headed, all my other symptoms could just be PMS.

But is being pregnant and having that intuition about it like being in love? If you have to ask what it feels like, you're probably not.

D-6110

I had an ultrasound this morning - three mature egg follicles! My hormone levels were good, so today I was inseminated. When I got to the doctor's office, Jodi told me to get undressed while she thawed the sperm. When she came back, we talked about my do not eat/drink list, cleaning the litter box (use a mask and rubber gloves) and when I could take a test.

She was very sweet and saved the vial the specimen came in for me.

I got in the usual position in the stirrups and she inserted the speculum. After she injected the sperm into my uterus, I had to lie flat and still for about 20-30 minutes.

Because I had an injection of hCG yesterday (to induce ovulation today), any home pregnany tests I take could read false positive. So I have to wait for my period to show or not on September 4. And if I don't get it, I'll get blood work done on September 8.

It's going to be a long 16 days.

The Chronic Gal Pal

I'm in the middle of my vacation and while I don't think I'm having doubts, I might call it cold feet. I'm reading books and magazines -- and they all reference the husband, the father, the partner. I don't have that -- I won't have that. I'm thinking about the baby, and day dreaming about it -- and more times than not, there's someone to share things with. But that's not the way this will be.

Everyone I know -- and everything I know is the mom, the dad and the baby. I know I can do this on my own. But do I really want to? If given the choice, I think I'd rather be married. Wouldn't I?

Can I go without intimacy and love? It's times like these that I feel like a little is better than none -- and I want to call Chris, I want J of Baltimore to want me, I wish I still had Bruce in my life.

I wonder why this has become my lot in life. Is it because I'm such a good friend, that I have all my love for my friends and family? Or am I'm being punished? Why is this my fate?

It's going to happen....

...as long as my body cooperates. I started taking Clomid today -- day one of five. Next week when I get back from vacation, I will have an ultrasound. If it looks good -- if the Clomid does what it's supposed to -- then I'll be inseminated as early as Thursday.

I looked through the catalog for the final -- or near final -- time. I thought long and hard about an anonymous donor vs. a donor willing to be known someday. I thought about calling my oldest sister -- to ask her opinion, her feelings on not knowing who her biological father is. But the more I thought about it, if given a choice, she'd probably want just that -- the choice.

And so I want to give this baby the option. He/she may want to know, may not -- but the option will always be there. And while I totally believe that most of the baby's personalities traits will be nuture over nature, I think it says a lot of this man that he's willing to be known. That he's thought enough about what he's doing to make himself available, even if just once, in 18 years. To disrupt his life to meet the miracle he helped make happen.

I filled out the paperwork for New England -- I'll probably get some Red Sox genese. Another good reason for believing in nuture over nature. :)

Jenny is giving me all of her maternity clothes. I hop eI'm not jinxing myself by taking them before I need them. I need all the good luck I can get for this.

Erica T. told me that I should bring a good luck charm when I get inseminated -- I thinking my 3-6 month sized Derek Jeter t-shirt. I've had it for at leat six years. Holding onto it and waiting. And hoping. And maybe someday, I'll get to use it.

To my pre-conceived notion

I need to continue writing this, to keep a record, so I always remember what I went through, what I was feeling, so you know without a shadow of a doubt, how much I love you already.

I don't know how -- or when exactly -- you'll come to me. I only know that I won't stop until I have you in my life. No obstacle will stop me. I've already faced one, with the hormone level problems, but I have such an amazing support system. When I worry about bringing you into my life without a real dad, I remember how many aunts and undles (by blood and by choice) you will have to love you.

In December, when I was in Virginia, I told Debbie that I wanted to start getting pregnant by my 38th birthday. She asked me tough questions, which I answered confidently. And finally saying it out loud, and giving myself a time line, made it real for me for the first time.

In April, I went to the doctor for my check-up and told him. Dr. C was so suuportive, but not full of a lot of information. So I asked a co-worked, who is part of a lesbian couple that had been pregnant, for advice. She suggested Planned Parenthood (not just for pregnant teenagers). I spoke with Pat, who saved me a trip to their office and the $50 fee. After talking on the phone for about 20 minutes, she sent me to Jan and Jodi at Ivy.

Both ladies are fabulous and supportive. When my initial bloodwork came back with the not great results, I could hear the empathy in Jan's voice. They've called me in the middle of weekly tests with questions they thought I should ask my insurance company. And after a month of observations -- ultrasounds and bloodwork and ovulation predictor sticks -- they will have a plan of action for me at the start of my next cycle.

Will it be fertility drugs? Or will it be adoption? Will it be another woman's eggs? The bottom line is, I'm going to be your momma -- no matter what. And after doing what it takes to get you, whatever it takes, I will love you more than life, and I will give you the best life I can.