Wow, I Needed That

I've been so tired lately. For the past two weeks, utterly exhausted. I know it's because I was pushing myself at the gym, but also because it's been so busy at work. Mentally exhausted and physically exhausted.

So for the past two weeks, I have been doing the gym every other night. But I haven't been killing myself. And the scale hasn't been unkind to me about it, either.

Tonight, I felt better. Was actually excited about going to the gym. I hadn't run in almost two weeks, but tonight, I knew it was time to start again, before I lost my momentum.

And I picked up right where I left off. Week 2 of the couch to 5k plan -- 90 seconds of running, two minutes of walking. And I felt great after wards. Even did some hills for 10 minutes and then 10 minutes of the cross-trainer.

It helps knowing that I don't have to be at work again until Tuesday, but the running actually felt easier. I remember the last time I ran, Adam was with me. And he had to run the intervals with me. I could barely run the last few intervals of 60 seconds. I needed him to push me. Not tonight. I was able to push myself.

~~~~~

I heard from J last night. He was at a gala in DC. We texted back and forth for a little while and then he wrote, "May have to bother you later. U gonna be up?"

Sigh. He did just send me two autographed items. "Maybe. the phone will wake me up."

A few hours later, at 1am, he texted. It started off innocent enough but I knew where it was headed. Or better yet, I knew where he wanted it to head. "What are you wearing?"

How to answer. "A Jeter t-shirt"

"Nice."

"I'll leave you with that image ;) I need to go back to sleep"

And that was that. There were some niceties about having a good night, good weekend, etc. But I think I handled him well.

I hate asking for help

I'm the person who organizes the fundraisers. Who delivers meals or drives friends to the doctor. Who checks on the cats and picks up mail, and leaves baked good when you arrive home from your trip. I send funny little cards for no reason.

But in the past few years, I've had to ask for help. I've needed people to go to the doctor with me, to stop at the store and bring some ice cream when I needed cheering up. But just because I've had to ask for help, doesn't mean that I like it.

I don't. I haven't. But I need to ask for help again. And I need people to not wait for me to ask for help. Over the course of the next year and a half, I will need people to remind me that 18 months really isn't that long. I will need people to understand that sometimes, still, seeing a baby hurts. That sometimes, I don't want to hear about your child, niece or nephew, grandchild -- all of the above. And sometimes, I will want to hear about every little thing they are doing. And I just need you to follow my cues.

And I need help with the raffle. Selling tickets, keeping me motivated, even when I feel like giving up. Even when I'm feeling humbled beyond words at needing to ask for help.

It won't be every day. It won't be every week. But it'll be. It'll happen. And that's when I'll need you.

72 Weeks

Or maybe 76.

That's my estimated wait time. Officially, it's a 12- to 18-month estimate. But the latest reports are that families getting a baby 0-12 months are now waiting 19 months; a baby 12-24, the wait is 18 months. My immigration approval is approved for a baby 0-24 months.

But the good news is....I'm officially on the list. All paperwork is in. Here we go, the longest year and a half of my life.

Three Weeks and One Day

That's all it took for my "up to 90 days" approval.

Yesterday, I received my notice from the Department of Homeland Security: "Notice of Favorable Determination Concerning Application For Advice Processing of Orphan Petition."

And so, as long as everything in my dossier looks good, I am ready to go on the waiting list. And I'm only 12 to 18 months from learning who my baby will be!

And I have to apologize in advance for adding advertisements to the blog, but every little penny will help -- and I've heard from other friends who have turned ads on through blogger that it really isn't a lot that they get. But returning soda cans for the deposit is only a few bucks every month, and over the next year or so, it will add up.

I figured out my budget this morning, and *think* I will be able to save about $10,000 towards what I have left to pay for the adoption. If that's the case, between grants and the raffle (and ads and bottle deposits and this summer's garage sale and saving pennies in the bottom of my purse), I need to come up with about $8,000.

If I can do that, no loans, no debt when I bring my baby home. So forgive me for the ads at the bottom of the post -- and if you feel inclined, click on it and support my "sponsors." ;)

Babies, babies and more babies

A friend in Rochester is due with her third boy this month.

A friend from work had a baby girl on my birthday last month.

Another friend from work goes on maternity leave tomorrow.

And two friends (one from high school, another from Baltimore) both announced on FB today the sex of their babies due this fall -- a boy for one, a girl for the other.

And that is my life. And I almost started to feel sorry for myself, and then got an email from a friend who is also adopting from Ethiopia, and just awaiting her travel dates. She was writing to see where things are with me.

I told her my dossier was mailed into the placement agency (yeah!) and I am three weeks into my "up to 90 days" wait for USCIS approval. Once I get that, it's an estimated 12 to 18 months until referral.

Her response was perfect, and just what I needed: "You are almost done with your job....and that's a good feeling."

And she's right. I am almost done with my job. Then it's waiting, and preparing, and taking care of me, so that when the baby arrives, I can do nothing but take care of him (or her).

And so, this weekend I will continue to work on the marketing plan for the fund-raising raffle, create a website and graphic element for the website and my "adoption fund," and work on the adoption grant applications.

It will also be about sleeping in, lounging around, going to the gym, going grocery shopping, and just taking it easy. Taking care of me.

Because Jo is right, I am almost done with my job, and it is a good feeling.

PS....about to finish "week 1" of couch to 5K tomorrow. I increased my running speed a little and my form felt better, so last day of 60 seconds running, 90 seconds walking tomorrow.

Thank you

I was exhausted at the end of the day. I had three meetings, including two interviews for two open positions. I had to deal with the office bitch in two of them. Had to watch her roll her eyes in the back of her head, fluttering her eyes, while she spoke. Had to deal with her being hostile and even more bitchy than usual in the last meeting because it was interviewing a candidate for a position that she applied for. Okay, that wasn't hard to watch, but still. You get my point, it was a long day.

I headed up to the gym right from my last meeting, and as soon as I got on the treadmill, my legs felt heavy. And tired. And I thought, I could just walk today. Maybe do hills. But no, I have a readership to answer to. Especially after what I wrote last night.

And so, I did 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes. Day 3 of week 1. I will continue week 1 all this week. Like I said, it might be longer than the 9 weeks of the training program.

But knowing I had people to answer to, not just myself, I didn't give in. I didn't throw in the towel. So thank you, you know who you are, those of you who check in every few days or once a week, to read about my life.

Weekend Update

I remembered my actual "couch to 5K" training instructions for Friday and stuck to them -- 60 seconds of running, 90 seconds of walking, for 20 minutes. I was dying by the end of the 20 minutes, but I finished. It may be that "week 1" stretches into two weeks. I'm fully prepared to take longer than the suggested 9 weeks of the program.

That night, I had a dream where I was running. Not for my life, not away from anything, but actually running for fun, running for recreation, running in some organized event. I ran past people I knew, neighborhoods I've lived in that aren't in the same zip code. Jogged in place as I stopped to briefly chat with old friends.

It wasn't hard. I felt good. And so I know that I can get to that place. I may never run a marathon, but soon I'll be able to run more than 60 seconds at a time. If I can go through what I've gone through the past three years, I can run for several minutes (and someday, several miles) at a time.

Yesterday I went to the gym that I've joined for the summer. Also felt really good. Still at the point where 60 minutes is enough. And that, is a good thing.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around a visit I had last week with a friend. Parts of it were great, other parts disturbing. And while I have to remind myself that we are of two different generations, of two different political parties, I still need to think about how to handle future conversations with her. When we parted ways, she did ease my mind a little, by telling me that no matter where I adopt from, she will support me.

Today is Mother's Day, and I wasn't as sad as I usually am. In fact, I don't think I was sad at all. I had my volunteer shift at the Catholic Shop at church this morning, and then my parents came down for lunch. I wished a fellow parishioner a happy mother's day, and she asked if I had any children. And I smiled when I answered her. "Not yet, but I'm in the process of adopting."

And I borrowed Heather's FB status for my own: "Happy Mother's Day to all my mommy friends -- those with their babies in their arms, babies in their bellies on the way, and babies waiting across the world to meet them!"

Bubbles responded with: "Your Mommy's Day will come very soon my dearest friend! In the meantime you are such a "mom" to so many of us..." And my oldest niece with an immediate "Amen."

I have a busy week at work -- tomorrow the easiest of them, with only four hours of meetings. I just need to get through the next two weeks at work, and then (I think), I'll be okay.

MILF in Training, Day One

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Deadlines

I work best when I know I have to have something done by a certain date. At work, if there's an open-ended project, it gets pushed aside. In life, it works the same way.

Four years ago, I received a save-the-date for a wedding for six months later. I saw the finish line and lost 50 pounds.

And so, my friend April proposed training for a 5K in the fall. I've actually had the "couch to 5K" training schedule on my fridge for a few weeks. I've done nothing with them, because, there was nothing to shoot for. But now, now there's a goal. There's a finish line.

So tomorrow.....alternating 90 seconds of running and walking.