Saturday, January 30, 2010

Rocket Man

I LOVE Family Guy. And I think Seth McFarlane has been added to my top 5 list, for his humor more than his looks (and he's not bad looking).

This makes me chuckle every time it's on.

Randomness in the Pew

I really should bring my computer to church -- setting aside the inappropriateness -- I do a lot of thinking that I want to write here, and then always forget half of it by the time I get home.

I've been trying not to say "please" so much when I pray, and more thank you. So instead of "please let me be the person I was always meant to be...a mom," it's more about "thank you for Ginger and the strength I've gained over the past three years." I still do my share of "asking for" but I've also learned to be grateful.

I thought about Chris and J, too. Thankful that I've managed to stay away from both of them. And I wish them both the best....Chris, safety wherever he is and hopefully that he won't have to go back to the desert....and J, the ability, for lack of a better word, to be a better husband and hopefully I'm as far as he's strayed.

A friend from work -- the man who runs the gym I go to on campus -- has been attending the same mass I have for the past month or so. He sits closer to the front, so I don't know if he's seen me or not. I know he's going through some trouble in his marriage -- his wife left him and is now living with another man.

I haven't noticed it when I see him at the gym, but I can see a certain sadness in him at church. Like something is missing. And then I wondered tonight if I have that sadness about me. Or only those who have had something and lost it, rather than those who never have.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Getting Better, But Still Fragile

I was getting ready for bed last night and realized that I was getting my period. Again. I just had it two weeks ago. Ginger would be going for her U/S and cyst drainage today. WTF?! I ran down the stairs and sent an email to Pati, told her to call if I needed to come in this morning.

I never heard from her, but of course it was after 9:00, and she does get to the office at 6:00. I didn't cry. I tried to stay rational. Worse case scenario, this cycle is scrapped. Sometime about 3:30am, after sleeping on and off, I realized that a period isn't a horrible thing. It's cleaning out the old, my lining is thinning again, it's all okay. I think. It was enough to let me sleep the rest of the night until my alarm went off.

And my thoughts were confirmed when Pati emailed me about 8:00 to tell me that getting a period was fine. Ginger had her cyst drained and her blood work later in the afternoon confirmed that we are all good to go.

I will continue with my Lupron shots, and add five estrace pills (three orally, two vaginally), baby aspirin and fertile garden pills (herbal pills) starting tonight. Ginger begins her shots on Saturday. Wednesday, I'll go in for my ultrasound. And if all goes well, the plan is for her to have the retrieval on February 10. Three to five days later, transfer!

And so on the anniversary of the day I saw my angel baby with no heartbeat, I got good news.

Monday, January 25, 2010

My Body Needed That

Students were back today, which meant my gym reopened tonight. I gave up several weeks ago on my resolution of working out at home for 20 minutes a day. I realized that there is a reason I go directly from my office to the gym every night. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Office to gym. Because there is nothing that can distract me. Like my pajamas, and the computer, and a book. And eventually my bed.

And so after I stopped beating myself up a few weeks ago and just accepted that it wasn't going to happen, I started to look forward to tonight. New music on the iPod and ready for the treadmill. My knee aches, my shoulders hurt, and it felt great.

I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up. At minimum, I'm guessing two or three weeks, depending on how things go with Ginger and the next IVF round. But I'll keep it up until then.

Which brings me to Ginger and my next round of IVF. I'm starting to get nervous. And scared. And still excited. I'm supposed to go to Montana in April for work, but I don't want to if I'm pregnant. I don't want to fly and I don't want to have to work a trade show on my feet for three full days.

One of the coordinators emailed all of us today asking for full name, DOB, etc so she can start to book the tickets. I don't want to tell her I'm not going because of medical reasons, because maybe I don't be pregnant by then. But I also don't want to waste the College money and have her book a ticket for me.

It's that fine line of trying not to not plan for the future because who knows what the future holds while also trying to be positive and think about what I want to the future to be. Wow....that was a run-on. But I think you get the drift.

I guess I need to not worry about anything for a few days. Ginger goes in on Wednesday. I shouldn't look beyond that.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Ginger Update

Ginger had her appointment yesterday and the cyst was still present. We will continue to stay on Lupron (and I will continue to have stomach discomfort), and she goes back on Wednesday. If the cyst is still there, they'll drain it.

They don't seem to be concerned with it, so I shouldn't be either.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Vegas or Here....I'll take these odds

From the Winter issue of Conceive...

"A couple in their 20s has approximately a 25% chance of conceiving each month, and after four or five months of trying, most women in their early 20s become pregnant. By the late 20s, it takes an average of six to seven months to conceive. For women in their 30s, there's a 10 to 15% chance of getting pregnant each month, and it will take an average of seven to 12 months to conceive. By age 40, there's just a 5% chance of conceiving each month, and the rate drops precipitously as women age."

"....Often women who choose to use donor eggs are older than 35, but the maternal age of egg donors is generally under 35, making the chance of successfully conceiving and carrying the pregnancy to term higher. The chance of success is 50.5% per cycle, and women who commit to two donor cycles have a 75.5% chance of having a baby; with three cycles the success rate rises to 87.9%."

....and I've made a conscious choice to change my tag for these types of posts to fertility not INfertility.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Earning Every Cent

This being the boss is tough work. I had such a long day. Today I learned the meaning of the word "alarmist." I had several people (who are now reporting to me) freaking out and demanding an emergency meeting to talk about things that may or may not be mentioned at the all-staff meeting on Thursday, stuff that has previously been announced in various mediums, but they didn't remember hearing about.

Several times, I actually had to utter the words, "I think what I'm hearing you say is...." I sounded like a manager. But after two meetings where there was panic and anxiety -- unnecessary both times -- I was ready for a beer. I opted for a hot shower when I got home and it will be an early night.


I had my baseline U/S yesterday. Everything looked good. My lining is thinning and ready to be pumped up whenever Ginger is ready to be super ovulator. I will stay on the Lurpon shots every night this week, and wait hear how her appointment goes on Friday.

One year ago tomorrow, I saw my baby's heartbeat. I'm trying not to think sad thoughts, and I think I'm succeeding. I'm remembering my angel baby, and I'm hoping that he (just a feeling that it was a he) is going to do his part to help this next pregnancy attempt.

Friday, January 15, 2010

I'm Fragile

I thought I was doing so well. Being positive. Not obsessing, but thinking positive pregnancy and baby thoughts every day.

This morning, I got a phone call from the doctor's office. Ginger has a cyst. She will continue on Lupron and it should dissolve on its own. She goes back next Friday for another U/S. I will still go in on Monday for my baseline and continue on the Lupron until Ginger can start her next round of meds.

I was a little disappointed but Pati assured me that it wasn't a big deal, is a common occurrence, and if it doesn't dissolve on its own after a week or two on Lurpin, they will go in and drain it.

I took a deep breath and realized that this is only a short delay. I'm still moving forward.

Yesterday, I was feeling some pangs. Like I was getting my period. I ignored them. Then today, when I went to the bathroom, the tell-tale sign of my period starting. I ignored it again. There wasn't much. Could just be spotting.

And then tonight, I couldn't ignore it. I started to freak out. What was this going to do to the schedule? I emailed Pati (who is amazing and always gets right back to me) and basically told her I was freaking.

She wrote back within five minutes. "Don't worry, you're supposed to get your period!! We want your lining thinned out before we start you on Estrace to build it up."

And at that point, I started to cry. I went from thinking that, once again, my body was failing me again, to having hope. Deep breath.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Dream a little Dream -- Over and Over Again

Over the course of the past two weeks, I've had four different dreams where I had a baby. There were no labor or pregnancy scenes. The baby was of varying age in each dream. Three of the four -- one little girl. Sweet and precious.

It felt right. And natural to hold a baby and know she was mine.

Last night, I had twins. They had just been born. A boy and a girl. Weirdly, the nurses "named them until I could Benjamin and Rahjima. No idea where that came from. I was struggling to remember the names I like right now.

I could remember Harper for the girl, but could only come up with Mason for the boy (which, I think, I've moved away from). And then I could actually go through the thought process in my dream. "They're both named after authors." And finally I came up with Cooper.

And then the nurse held hands in a circle (perhaps from my watching the season premiere of Big Love before bed) and told me my baby boy had leukemia. I was scared at first, and then, still in my dream, I thought, "they couldn't diagnose leukemia on a two-day-old. He doesn't have that." And that was that.

Obviously baby thoughts have invaded my subconscious. More than I thought.

I started my shots tonight -- 10cc of Lupron to suppress my hormones. Ginger has her baseline U/S on Friday, I go in on Monday.

I know I'll probably never meet her, but I think what's she is doing is amazing.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Two More Days on BCP

I have through Tuesday on the pill, and I'm actually impressed with myself that I've been able to keep my emotions in check. My previous times (though it was for the entire three weeks, not two), I turned into a sobbing puddle of out-of-control tears, coming on for no conceivable reason. Hopefully, the next two days go the way the last 12 have.

I finally connected with Bubbles last night -- we hadn't talked since before Christmas -- and while it was good to catch up, it was hard to rehash all the hurt feelings from the Christmas drama. It also reminded me how glad I am that it's over and that I survived.

Yesterday was the first birthday party of my friend Heather's daughter. It was a fun day -- one that I didn't dread. I was home in time for football, and then spent the rest of the weekend watching football and doing some work. Yes, I've gotten into the habit of bringing work home on the weekend, but it's only because of the second job. It will not become a long-time habit.

And finally, I looked through the donor catalog and made a final decision on the sperm donor. I've decided to go with one different from the one I've been using, but I think he's one I've previously used.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Jalapeno-Flavored Cheese is not a Vegetable

But I have managed to get at least one real veggie in a day. Sometimes, it's just hummus, but it counts. The working out.....not so much. This week back to work after two weeks off, has kicked my ass. I'm barely making it home at the end of the day. It's not fair that we have to go back for five full days. Maybe over the weekend, I will get my ass back on the treadmill.

Work has been getting a little busier, and with my new title (interim director) there are lots of time sucks in my day that I can't explain or remember. Suddenly it's 11:30 and I've managed to do nothing I wanted to in the morning.

I've got one more week of BCP before I start shooting up. And I need to call in and order the sperm. My dilemma is which donor to go with. The one I'd been using was a red-head, but now that Ginger is a red-head, do I go with another guy? I'm not sure. I'm going to look over my top two or three choices and then do what I did last time I choice -- go with my gut.

I got a text from J last night. I ignored it for about an hour (mostly because I was on the phone). He had written, "what's going on?" It was still pretty early in the evening, so I thought it was harmless enough. So I responded. "Not much. how are you?"

Never heard back from him. I did my part as a friend, but didn't have to be faced with temptation. An excellent evening.

Friday, January 01, 2010

Happy new year!

It's started. I got my period earlier in the week and started taking birth control pills on Tuesday. Counter-intuitive, I know, but I don't need to ovulate this month; Ginger is doing that for me.

And so the next steps in this process look like this:

Ginger starts on Lupron...1/9
I start on Lupron and stop BCP....1/12
Ginger has a baseline U/S...1/15
I have my baseline U/S....1/18

And it goes from there. And so for the next three weeks, I can take care of me and await for the transfer. I can stop looking at the negative, stop looking ahead, and try to live a week at a time.

My new year's resolutions:

* work out at least 20 minutes a day, five days a week. It's not much, but it's something very doable. And after the way I've been feeling about my body and its inadequacies, I need something that I can do without just giving up. This morning, I walked on the treadmill at home for 30 minutes.
* eat at least one vegetable a day. I know that sounds so funny, but I'm not a huge veggie eater. Don't like a lot of them. But I'll need to when I'm pregnant. Dinner spinach salad with carrots, celery, walnuts and feta cheese.
* and continue to be strong with the bad boys in my life. I can miss them, but I don't need them. J and Chris are not what I need in my life.

My resolution from last year -- to go to church at least twice a month -- became a habit pretty easily. And I'm hoping that these for this year will happen the same way.