Tuesday, March 31, 2009

And it starts....

I had a moment over the weekend (well, more than one) when I wondered if I could be pregnant. Sure, E and I used precautions most of the time, and I do have that little fertility issue, but stranger things have happened. So many times I heard stories about people who had trouble getting pregnant on their own, used IVF, and then had a second surprise pregnancy because they didn't know they should be using birth control.

And then I was reminded again of that brilliant movie He's Just Not that Into You. Sunday morning, I woke up to another reminder that I am the rule, not the exception. My bottom half was covered in blood.

Okay, so I was glad I didn't waste money on the HPT that I contemplated buying on my way home from church. I felt foolish for the "signs" that were pointing towards a miracle pregnancy. And I realized that while this would be the "easy" way to get pregnant, there would be nothing easy about carrying E's child and dealing with all that comes with having a child with a one-night stand. for the next 18 years, at least.

Without being graphic, I know now what a woman goes through with her first cycle after giving birth. As Bubbles put it, we want a happy, clean uterus. After the past three days and nights of gushing, there can't be much left in my uterus. It's all cleansing and healing and making itself ready for the another successful IVF and what will be (positive thinking) a successful pregnancy.

I did my blood work yesterday and had my baseline ultrasound this morning. All look good. I will start taking the Lupron and Gonal-F on Thursday. Additionally, they will also have me take menopur, another kind of gonadtropin to help turn my ovaries and eggs into jiffy pop.

It helps to start again. It feels like I'm actually doing something. That I have my plan, that I have something to do, that I can move forward. And if all goes as it has in the past, I should be ready for retrieval the week of my birthday.

Spring is a good time for making a life, for things to grow and bloom.


I will say that with all this positive energy around me, I'm still feeling a little jealous, a little sad, about my friend Melissa. She just had her first ultrasound, and while I'm thrilled for her, I'm also reminded of that while she's at 14 weeks, I should be at 16 weeks.

I had stopped counting, stopped thinking about that pregnancy, until now. It would be hard to not think about it. We were two weeks apart. Hopefully it gets less hard, hopefully her pregnancy will get a little easier each week.

Monday, March 30, 2009

J on the Heels of E

I was so into thinking about E and our day together, that I forgot one of the best parts of the story. I got home from Pittsfield -- from driving seven hours, from spending an amazingly tiring three or four hours with E -- and practically passed out.

Around midnight, my cell phone beeped. (J doesn't get the four beeps anymore.) I looked at the phone. Text message from J. "hey" I closed the phone and rolled back over, falling right back asleep.

About four hours later, I woke up confused, did J call last night? I reached for my phone, and looked at my inbox. Sure enough, there it was. 12:04am. Closed it again, and went back to sleep.

Once I was at work, I emailed him. "Sorry I missed your text. How are you?"

"Good, just called to say hi."

"At midnight? I think you were calling for more than hi. You're traveling, I assume?"

"In Fort Lauderdale for a few days, going home today."

It was so nice to not even be tempted to call him back, to answer his text, to play his games. Of course, I'm not arrogant enough to think that he couldn't tempt me again. I know he could.

But I think knowing is half the battle.

At least, I hope it is.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

From the "it could only happen to me" file...

....or I really just need to believe in myself more, and forget the assholes who don't think I'm worth it.

How to tell this story? I started emailing with E just after Christmas. It was sporadic, innocent, almost professional. He works at the World Wide Leader, and without sounding like a groupie, I'm a fan. He seemed somewhat interested so I pushed an email in mid-February to bordering on off-color. And he took the bait.

From that point on, we've been texting and chatting, sending the occasional naughty picture, and planning on meeting somewhere between here and Connecticut.

At first I freaked out that it wasn't really him. Maybe it was his intern using his email address. So I made him call me, so I could hear his voice. It was him.

As I've mentioned, he's a few rungs up the danger ladder from Chris. He's kinky and sexy, and pushed me out of my comfort zone in defining what I want from a man. And I was totally digging it.

Well, Monday was the day. I emailed Hope on Sunday and said, yes in fact I will be taking a sick day tomorrow. Please let our office assistant know. And I was on the road to Pittsfield, Massachusetts, by 6:30am.

I was a nervous wreck. Felt like I was going to puke most of the way there. When I finally got to the hotel, I took a shower and opened the bottle of wine that Bubbles encouraged me to bring. (Thanks girl!)

Sipping the wine, looking at the Adirondacks in the distance, and talking to Bubbles and Jill to keep me calm, to empower me, until the text came that read "im here"

Bubbles' parting words of wisdom...."You fucked a Yankee, this is just some guy on the radio." That's right, I am worthy.

And Jill...."Remember nothing is sexier than confidence."

Six weeks of texts and conversations telling me I'm sexy, gorgeous, that he wants to own me, that he wants to make me feel good. I just had to believe it, had to believe that not only did he think it was true, but that I knew it was true.

I heard the knock on the door, looked through the peephole (one last reassurance that it was him, and not an intern), and opened the door.

He didn't disappoint. As he told me he would....he didn't say hello, he didn't give me the chance to say hello. His hand was on the back of my neck, pulling me into him, his mouth on mine, and the door closed.

If you're interested in the full version, let me know, and I'll point you to my really dirty blog, but let's just say. The itch was scratched. I got exactly what I needed. He was amazing. He was funny. He thought I was a goddess.

And now....it's time to start making a baby. I should start my cycle in the next week or two.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Woodrow's Interview

Woodrow got interviewed by one of his blogger friends. In return, he gave some of his readers interview questions. And so here, his questions and my answers...

1. Describe the one that got away in five sentences or less.
He took me out of my comfort zone and made me realize I'm stronger and more confident than I thought. We could complete each other's sentences and were best friends. We had an undeniable physical attraction. He challenged me, and then babied me when I really needed to just be hugged.

2. What's your favorite springtime drink?
Margarita, on the rocks, with salt

3. What's one quality that you can't live without in a man?
Humor. I want dry, sarcastic, witty, goofy -- all in the same man. I want Scott Van Pelt humor. He's got to make me laugh, especially when I want to cry.

4. Oklahoma or Syracuse? ;)
That's a loaded question baby. Go 'Cuse!

5. Who are your world series picks for this year?
Yankees over Cubs, 6 games

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

46 Doesn't Mean Old-Age

If I'm 46, single and childless....I hope to god I'm kicking up my heels and keeping them in the air. I have a good friend who is in her mid-40s, single, no kids. And she lives like a nun. And complains about it.

Now I'm not saying she has to meet a stranger in a hotel in Pittsfield, Massachusetts, after talking to him mostly via text, for an afternoon of mind-blowing sex. I'm not saying that at all. But she needs to put herself out there. And she needs to take chances.

She has been pining over the same man from work for years, but she doesn't do anything about it. They go out for happy hour in a group setting -- a group that sits at a table, rather than standing around the high-tops or at the bar, but that's going to get me off on a whole other tangent. The group setting and where they sit doesn't allow for mingling. It relies on sheer luck for her to be near him.

At the last happy hour, she ended up going to Starbucks with him for coffee. And they talked for several hours. My questions for her....did he walk you to your car? Did he kiss you? Did you kiss him?

Her answers....yes, no and oh my god no. You're 46. You're both single. Get over it. And so while I can understand insecurities and self-confidence issues, I also understand that life is short.

Have fun.

Live it up.

And next time, lean in for the kiss. Nine times out of 10, if you lean in, he'll go in for the kill and it'll still be him kissing you.

Forget What I Said a Few Days Ago

E is a very viable option -- and just what I needed.

More later.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

My letters

Even though I'm wavering on the whole adoption through foster care thing, I'm still moving forward with my assignments. This week, in addition to packets and packets of paperwork, I had to write one letter to the child and one to the parents.

Because I want an infant or toddler, and because I only want to adopt, I wrote my letters in that vein.

To my baby,

I’ve been waiting for you almost my whole life. I knew I was always meant to be a mom, and while I always thought I would go the traditional route – marriage and pregnancy – I’m thrilled to be your mom, and I know that this is the way it was supposed to be. There will be a day that I will actually forget that I didn’t carry you and that we’re not biologically related.

The extended family you are coming into is large and loving. You will have aunts and uncles all over the United States. Most are in the Syracuse area, but you also have an aunt and uncle in San Diego, and uncle, aunt and two cousins in Anchorage, and an uncle and aunt (who will also be your god-parents) and cousin in Richmond. They are just as excited about me getting to be your mom as they about you being my baby.

I am my parents’ baby; and even though I’m in my late 30s, I will always be their baby. They are thrilled with the idea of their baby having a baby. You will be so special to them for that reason, and for many that you will establish on your own as you create a bond and relationship with them.

All the love and attention I have showered on my eight nieces and nephews and two great-nephews will go to you, ten-fold. I hope you will love books and baseball as much as I do. I will teach by example how to be kind and considerate, strong and confident.

I can’t wait for us to start our life together.


And to the parents:

No matter the circumstance that brought you to this decision, you are brave and courageous to give your child this gift. I’ve struggled for years with fertility and I can’t even imagine the heartache you must be experiencing, but know that your baby is going to a home that loves him, wants him, and has been waiting for him.

I purposely put off having children this long – not because I was trying to establish a career or thought there would always be time – but because I wanted to make sure that I was emotionally, physically and financially ready for this. My decision to put it off may have cost me the opportunity to carry a child, but it has made me realize with all my heart that this is what I want. Never have I wavered in my decision to be a single mother. Never did I doubt this was the right path for me.

Your child will be raised as my own. My family will love this child as if I had carried him. And every year, around his birthday, we’ll talk about you and how brave you were. We’ll talk about how you’re no doubt thinking of him, and we’ll pray that you have everything you need. That you are loved and secure, that you don’t regret your decision.

I can’t thank you enough for allowing me the privilege to raise your child, the opportunity to love your child.

Mind Clutter

This will probably be long and rambling, with lots of things. My mind is racing lately, and for the first time in several weeks, my old friend insomnia visited last night. I'm hoping if I can get this all out here, it won't be on my mind later and I will actually be able to sleep.

Baby-Making Update
I think I'm in the middle of a normal cycle. I had awful ovulation pain yesterday, all the way through to my back. And today, I could have killed for chocolate. I will take all of that as a good sign, and after looking at the calendar and counting, all signs are pointing for my lady times to start about April 1, and the things I've been feeling the past few days are all consistent with where I should be in the month.

Which leads me to the other issue I'm having. For the first time in 18 months, I have no additional hormones in my body. And as much as I could have killed for chocolate today, kick it up a notch, and that's the way I'm feeling about sex. I need it. So bad, that I'm trying to figure out if I can't get it locally, who can I call and how far is too far to drive for a hook-up?

J is useless. Charlie is in Arizona until the weekend before Opening Day. I don't think E is a viable option. Chris is in California, though he may be home next week. I texted him last night, still waiting to hear from him. I'll keep you posted on the developments.

The Return of the PR Goddess
I've not said anything about the whole A-Rod and steroids thing, mostly because I don't think most of my readers are sports fans. But on the off chance that Woodrow is reading me, or some of you quieter folks will know what I'm talking about, or just for Bubbles who absolutely will know what I'm talking about, indulge me for a moment. I can't let this new Details magazine thing go by without saying something.

Supposedly he is paying some huge PR firm millions of dollars to handle his image. They were by his side for the Peter Gammons interview, they were prepping him for his press conference his first day at spring training, and who knows where they were when he thought it was a good idea to pose for these pictures and sit down for this interview.

When I was in Baltimore, I handled a few big public relations situations. Nothing to the magnitude of the A-Rod situation but to name a few -- a murder on the steps of the museum at 4am, calling out Barry Bonds to the national media for comments he made about Babe Ruth, executing a flawless Baltimore Colts reunion a month after Johnny Unitas died and not having it turn into the sequel of his funeral.

And so with that experience in mind, here is my quick list of advice for Alex Rodriguez:

* Stop doing interviews, stop posing for pictures. Your job over the next 12 weeks is to rehab your hip. In the process, we may be able to rehab your image.
* Stop dating publicly. Be more discreet in your public life. You can get laid in the privacy of your own home. No one needs to see you with bimbos at the bar or Madonna at the Kaballah Center.
* Spend quality time with your daughters. Take the older one to school. Pick her up. Read to both of them. You don't need cameras around for that. This is about you being a good father.
* Set up visits with groups at Boys & Girls Clubs, high school teams that are susceptible to steroid and drug use. Talk to them, honestly, about why you did what you did, what you hoped to gain and why, in retrospect it was a horrible idea. Don't give them cliqued lines. Don't say what you think people want to hear. Again, no cameras. This is about doing the right thing.
* Work with the Taylor Hooton Foundation as you promised you would in your press conference. Give money, make appearances that will benefit the foundation, create PSAs. Don't put out press releases about you doing this. This is about you being a good person.
* Reach out to your teammates, and don't expect anything in return. Think more about the team and less about your image, your numbers, your stats and yourself.
* When you return to the team in May or June, be humble. Be thankful for where you are and the talent you have. Thank your teammates for a good game pitched, for the key hit in the 7th inning.
* And when it is time to face the media, think before you speak. Think about what you want to say, and say it in 10 words, not 50.

Everyone's Pregnant
Well, not everyone. It just feels like it. And really, the only one that bothers me, is my niece.

My friend Melissa is pregnant. I've known since she took her HPT, because at that point, I was pregnant too. I was two weeks ahead of her. We joked about all the work that would pile up with both of us out on maternity leave at the same time. And yet, even though we won't be pregnant together, I'm so happy for her. Because she's been supportive, because she's been sensitive, and because I know she wants this for me as much as I do.

My friend Chris's wife is pregnant. And I'll be helping to plan the baby shower we have at work for him. He doesn't know what I'm doing, but if he did, he would be supportive and sensitive. Because he would let me know he's pulling for me.

My friend Lindsey is pregnant. I saw her on Sunday at the mall. And she told me, straight out. "I'm pregnant, and I've been wondering how to tell you and I just figured that I would just say it." And then she started to cry and she hugged me, and I cried. "I'm happy for you, I really am." And she knew I was. And she said she can't wait to be happy for me, because I deserve it.

And then there is Erica. My niece, whose baby shower next month, I won't be going to. Who called me the day after Thanksgiving to tell me she was pregnant, amazingly without even trying, and I've never even congratulated her. Not by phone, mail or email. And that's not me. I still send cards for no reason. I send cards for birthdays and as thank you notes. For new homes and new jobs, and especially for new babies.

But this time I couldn't, for all the reasons that I've spelled out in the past. And what amazes me is that it hasn't occurred to her that I haven't congratulated her. (My family works in such a way that I would have found out about it, I would have heard.) And the thing is, I really am happy for her. I'm excited for her to have this baby. I'm not happy about the way she told me, and at this point, I can't forgive that.

So maybe I'm bitter. Maybe I'm being overly-sensitive, but given that I'll be planning or attending at least three baby showers in the next six months and will be genuinely happy for the guests of honor, I don't think I am. I think what I'm doing is taking care of myself, and not putting myself in situations that I don't need to be in. What I need to work on is letting go of my anger towards Erica. And I will, but my emotions are still too raw.

Monday, March 16, 2009


Over the past couple of weeks, both Nancy and Hope have been saying that there's something about me lately, something they can't put their finger on, an inner glow, a different kind of outward beauty. I do my best not to roll my eyes, and try to say thank you.

But sometimes I see it too. When I look in the mirror I see something different. Something I can't put my finger on. I'm not pregnant, and I haven't had sex in six months, so the glow can't be attributed to either of the usual suspects.

And then I think it clicked. Even though I've said this in the past, this is the first time I actually believe it. I'm not looking for a relationship. I just want to have fun, I want to work on the baby thing, and I am not looking for a relationship. At all.

And because of that, I wonder if the inner glow is more like inner peace. If the outward beauty is more like outward confidence.

i wish I felt that way about some of the bad boys I keep in my life. Which of course is all the reason to move on without them. But even with inner peace, even with outward confidence...I just can't.

Chris is familiar. J is exciting. E is downright dangerous.

I have however made some positive steps. Emailed a friend from Baltimore -- a single friend, who I flirted with and who flirted back at the Bash -- and asked if he was coming to Cooperstown anytime soon, to let me know. Working on getting to know one of the cops in public safety.

And so hopefully between Charlie and the cop, Chris and J and E will fade into the background, until all three of them are where Chris was a month ago. In a neat little box, carefully put away from my day-to-day life.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

And the Rest of the Week

My mother is driving me crazy. I haven't uttered those words in a while. She called me Wednesday, for her usual every-few-days check-in.

Then she called me Thursday. I ignored the call. I was drying my hair, after all. Then she called again, about 8:45. What if something was wrong? Well she would have called my cell, I reasoned with myself, but answered it anyway.

"I meant to ask you, what excuse did you give for not going to Erica's shower?"

"I didn't. I told Angie I wouldn't be there, but would send my gift with you."

"Oh....well, what should I tell them if they ask why you're not there?"

"Tell them the truth, tell them it's too hard for me."

"oh, okay...." and then because my voice was betraying my impatience with her. "Is everything okay? You sound stressed."

"It's been a really rough week at work, and I'm tired."


And then she called my sister-in-law in Virginia, who was smarter than me and didn't answer the phone. She called Debbie the next day at work. And again, Debbie, being smarter than me in these matters, let it go to voice mail. She left a message, almost in tears, that she was worried about me.

So Debbie -- again.....smart -- sent my mom an email:

I got your voice mail today. Unfortunately, I'm so slammed today at work. I'm not worried about Ellie. She has to have time and room to grieve over her loss and all the ups and downs she's been through this past year and a half. Some days are better then others for her. I believe she is actually doing very well. She is handling this the way she needs to. We email and talk all the time. She has some wonderful friends/coworkers that are a great support for her as well.

I know this shower thing with Erica has been weighing on her mind and she has handled it the best way she can. She doesn't owe anyone an explanation on her feelings. I know it's hard but we need to respect her feelings and accept how she handles it.

I think the best thing to do is to let her talk when she needs to and give her some breathing room when she needs that too. It can be tricky to determine when she needs what.

We have a pretty busy weekend ahead - I'll try to give you a call. Try not to worry to much about her.

I think that did the trick. I haven't heard from my mother in two days. And I know she's worried about me, but besides everything that is going on with me baby-related, I also work at a place where there will be lay-offs this spring, at a place where no matter how good I am at my job, the economy might prevent me from being as effective as I need to be. Got a few things on my mind, Fran. Relax, I'm not suicidal.

I had class #2 of foster care this morning. I still have the same feelings. I just don't know if this is for me. I need to talk to the social workers that run the class. I don't want to quit, I don't want to give up, but is it a waste of my time and theirs for me to be there?

I just don't know. I think I would feel better about it all if I were moving ahead with the doctor stuff. Only a few more weeks. Patience is a virtue, after all.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Week That Was -- at the Halfway Point

I survived Monday.

Tuesday....I talked to Chris again. I know just a week ago I told Lucia that he was in a good place in my life, that he was firmly in the past, just friends, in a nice little contained area that was healthy. And I still believe that for the most part. She might not agree with me, but I do believe it. He's familiar. He's comfortable. And I know where things stand. And so if he makes me feel good, if he's a good distraction to keep my mind from J or E, well, then what's the harm?

E? Who's E, you're wondering? I haven't really mentioned him, because I wasn't sure where it was leading. E is brilliant and hot and way into sports. Friend of a friend, and we've been chatting for the past three weeks, mostly via text (what is it with guys and texting -- can't we please have a real conversation).

There were tentative plans to meet on Friday in Albany (the half-way point between here and Bristol, CT). And he was a nice distraction from the fertility shit and the waiting and the being in limbo and the boys who are bad for me. And then, that's really all it turned out to be. Bummed? A little, but probably for the best. Friend of a friend or not, still kind of a stranger.

Wednesday...it's spring break so my usual gym is closed, and the fitness center has stupid hours. But I trudged across campus today to be at the gym when it opened at 11am. I ran/walked two miles in under 26 minutes, improving my average time from last week (three miles in 39:09). It felt good, and it brought perspective and a clear head. This morning I had been contemplating texting E one more time, by the time I got out of the shower, I knew I wouldn't. What's the point?

This afternoon, I talked to Bubbles, who only reinforced that "just walk away" notion. From E and J. I agreed that I wouldn't reach out to either, but for whatever reason, I'm not done with J yet.

Ironically, J texted me this afternoon. "I know you hate me. The picture from Ryan was really cute. Thanks for sending it."

See, he's not a complete idiot. "I don't hate you, not completely so you don't have to be afraid to call me."

"What's going on with the doctor stuff?"

"Can't start another cycle until next month, so technically I guess your window is still open if I thought you would actually follow thru."

"Why not til next month?"

"Hormone levels, etc. probably won't be able to start until April 1-ish."

"Sorry. You coming down here anytime soon?"

"Nope, but the plan was to meet halfway."

"What's halfway?"

And so it went. Will it actually happen? Who knows? I'm not holding my breath. This actually reminds me of a few months in Baltimore when I actually juggled BB and Chris, one would piss me off and I'd go running to the other. Never wanting an actual relationship with either one, just having physical needs met. And so it goes....Chris and J. And actually both are familiar, but I can really only count on one of them for now.

The good thing that came out of the conversation with him, though. At one point he said he needed me to understand that it's not that easy for him to get away. My response? "I understand, I really do. And I'm not trying to be difficult. I told you a while ago that I have no expectations, but you make promises and never follow thru, that's what pisses me off, that's what leads to my expecting more of you."

"You're right and I'm sorry. I'll try to be better about that."

So I said what I need to. And I feel better. No matter what happens between us -- even if nothing happens between us -- he's still my friend. And while everyone in my life might think I'm an idiot for it, I don't want to lose that.

Monday, March 09, 2009

One Last Desperate Attempt

I mailed a thank you picture that my nephew drew for J, for getting Andrew a baseball for his collection. Bubbles said I should have just mailed it to the athlete, not J. I broke down and mailed it to J.

And in other news, I talked to Chris the other night for about an hour. I'll leave it at that.

And finally, the spotting I had over the weekend was just that. Who knows if it was my period or not, but the doctor's office said it needs to be the real deal. So, if it was, and they kind of think that's all I'm getting this month, I need to wait for my next one.

I hate Mondays.

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Plan C

Plan A....get pregnant and have a baby

Plan B....international adoption and get a baby

Plan C...adoption through foster care and get a baby

So this morning, I started foster care class. It'll be three hours every Saturday morning, for 11 weeks. And when I left, I felt deflated. Most of the people there are there to be foster care parents, not "foster to adopt."

They talked about helping children transition back to their families, about helping families become whole again. They showed a video of interviews with kids who had been in foster care for various lengths of time, and of their parents.

And all I could think about was I don't want to do that. I don't want to want to do that. I don't want to help someone get theirs kids back.

Maybe because I've been struggling for so long to try to get pregnant, maybe because my emotions about it all are so raw. But I don't want to help someone get their kids back when they fucked up in the first place and had to have them taken away.

I know there are people out there who can do that, and thank god there are, but I can't be one of them. And I know that won't change, but I'm hoping that I will be able to get rid of some of the bitterness.

Friday, March 06, 2009

My Week Ended Better Than it Started

Despite the start of a cold (or allergies), I managed to work out every night this week, including kick ass workouts last night and tonight. I ran/walked three miles in 42 minutes last night, 39 tonight. The running, the sweating, the sucking oxygen were all exactly what I needed to get me out of this J funk.

And I saw Lucia on Wednesday night, for a little head shrinkage. She's great. She manages to make everything seem so simple and in a way that I should have realized it. When I gave her the fertility update (I hadn't seen her in about eight months), I told her basically when I was finally pregnant it made sense. This cruel joke that the universe has been playing on me, that I'm almost 40, single, childless, struggling to get pregnant -- it all suddenly didn't matter, it made sense, because I was pregnant. And then I wasn't. And now life and the universe don't make sense anymore. And her reply, "oh, okay, so you're going to take on the whole universe. I see."

Right, exactly. I need to be focused me and the things I can control. And then I need to focus on how to react to what I can't control.

And then I told her about J, the whole saga....ignoring his texts while I was pregnant, feeling strong keeping it platonic, and then weakness. Baltimore, the ultimatum, the photos from Taughannock Falls. And in her usual dry way, she reminded me what a master manipulator he is. And I was finally ready to close that chapter. I just hope I can stay strong months down the road when I forget how much this feeling sucks.

And so faithful readers, fear not....Ellie is on the mend. Physically...stronger than I've been in months. Emotionally...getting stronger every day.

I know what I need to focus on, I know what's important and what's not worth my effort, and I hope that by the time March rolls around next year, I'll be writing under my real name, posting pictures of my little bambino or bambina.

Monday, March 02, 2009

7 Apparently Means Negative

I had blood work today, for the 4th Monday in a row. My hCG levels were 7, and according to Becky, the nurse at the fertility guru's office, that means I'm back to negative levels. She told me to call when I get my period and we'll start the meds, the injections, schedule a baseline ultrasound, etc.

"And if you don't get it by the end of the month, call us." THE END OF THE MONTH?!! I thought I would be getting it this week. "You might. But because it took so long for your levels to come down, your body might take a little longer to regulate itself."

Great....just one more thing that my body can't do right. Needless to say, it was a frustrating afternoon. I just want to get this thing started, move away from the bad boys, focus on making babies. But who knows when that will start?

So....not only did I text J last night, to thank him for the baseball that arrived on Saturday and tell him he owed me a phone call this week (I know, I'm weak), but when I saw him online on FB today, I instant messaged him. I'm cringing, actually cringing while I type this, just so you know.

I also emailed Chris, but haven't heard back from him. Hmmmm...what other destructive behavior can I do? Call BB? I thought about it, long and hard, but he's in Baltimore. I'm going to go with the fact that he misses me and he thinks about me, and leave it at that.

I also found out this weekend that my niece's baby shower (the niece of the stupid wedding from last summer, the niece who announced she was pregnant by telling me she wasn't trying, it wasn't planned, but wasn't it crazy that she's pregnant) is Easter/my birthday weekend.

I'd love to plan a trip to Baltimore, but it's Easter, and everyone will be doing the holiday thing. Just because I don't care about spending the holiday with my family doesn't mean that others don't want to. So even though there is no way in hell I'm going to the shower, I need to figure out something to do because while I feel perfectly justified in skipping it and just sending a present with my mom, I don't feel like dealing with the rest of the family judging why I'm not going.

Can you tell it's been a really sucky Monday?