It doesn't matter that my brothers and sisters haven't gotten back to me. It doesn't matter that they've ignored the email my mother sent out as a follow up to mine.
It doesn't matter that I'm hurt, again, by them.
It doesn't matter that they are seemingly ignoring the biggest thing in my life.
The only that matters is this biggest thing in my life, this little baby who will someday be mine.
It only matters that I am the type of person who can let go of hurt feelings, who can let go of the bitterness, so that I can be a good mom, a good role model. The kind of person I want to be for that little baby.
Bubbles reminded me of this, and once again reminded me how lost I would be without her.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
The Week that Was....
It started out shitty. I was an emotional wreck on Monday and Tuesday, literally crying for no reason a few times. I finally got my period on Wednesday, which helped my emotional stability slightly.
Wednesday night I slept awful. Itchy-twitchy legs all night as I tried to fall asleep (itchy-twitchy is my version of reckless leg syndrome). Thursday I left work early, drove to Syracuse to meet my brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew for dinner and then my niece's high school graduation. And then turned right around and drove back home.
Friday I realized that I'm exhausted. Not just from the shitty week, the emotional week, the lack of sleep and driving 150 miles in four hours. But from work -- I've been doing two jobs since December and three since early May.
I was too tired to go to they gym tonight after church, but am hoping that blowing it off tonight, getting a good night's sleep and waiting until tomorrow will mean that I have lots of energy for the treadmill.
Added to all that is the fact that I still haven't heard from any of my siblings since I sent the email about my adoption nearly two weeks ago. Add insult to the fact that I went to dinner with two of the people who got the email, and saw another, on Thursday night. Not one word.
My mother became momma bear this morning and sent out an email to my siblings telling them I needed their support. We'll see how far that goes.
Wednesday night I slept awful. Itchy-twitchy legs all night as I tried to fall asleep (itchy-twitchy is my version of reckless leg syndrome). Thursday I left work early, drove to Syracuse to meet my brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew for dinner and then my niece's high school graduation. And then turned right around and drove back home.
Friday I realized that I'm exhausted. Not just from the shitty week, the emotional week, the lack of sleep and driving 150 miles in four hours. But from work -- I've been doing two jobs since December and three since early May.
I was too tired to go to they gym tonight after church, but am hoping that blowing it off tonight, getting a good night's sleep and waiting until tomorrow will mean that I have lots of energy for the treadmill.
Added to all that is the fact that I still haven't heard from any of my siblings since I sent the email about my adoption nearly two weeks ago. Add insult to the fact that I went to dinner with two of the people who got the email, and saw another, on Thursday night. Not one word.
My mother became momma bear this morning and sent out an email to my siblings telling them I needed their support. We'll see how far that goes.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Cranky Ellie
I'm not sure why, but I woke up in a foul mood. My stomach hurts. I feel bloated. I'm tired. I feel fat. My period is a few days overdue. And at any moment I could literally burst into tears.
A nice day to stay in bed. Or least, hibernate in my office.
But unfortunately I am in a meeting from 8:30 to 1:00, and then meetings from 1:00 to 2:00 and 2:30 to 4:00.
Ugh....if I don't snap someone's neck or cry today, it will be a miracle.
I found out yesterday that, due to the policy change requiring two trips to Ethiopia, they have raised some rates. An additional $1,000 overall. But that's not really bothering me. At this point, what's an extra $1,000 when I'm paying $26,000?
It all seems so abstract to me -- having to have that much disposable money. It doesn't seem possible.
A nice day to stay in bed. Or least, hibernate in my office.
But unfortunately I am in a meeting from 8:30 to 1:00, and then meetings from 1:00 to 2:00 and 2:30 to 4:00.
Ugh....if I don't snap someone's neck or cry today, it will be a miracle.
I found out yesterday that, due to the policy change requiring two trips to Ethiopia, they have raised some rates. An additional $1,000 overall. But that's not really bothering me. At this point, what's an extra $1,000 when I'm paying $26,000?
It all seems so abstract to me -- having to have that much disposable money. It doesn't seem possible.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Happy Father's Day
I can say that without being too sad. Although I just read a heart-breaking account from another blogger I read and how she bought two cards for her husband for today. It got me to thinking about how my child -- whenever he or she arrives -- will most likely not have a father. It will just be the two of us.
Certainly, things may change. I'm certainly open to getting married someday, I'm just not counting on it anymore. I just hope that I will be enough. I will have to be, I guess.
I had a great weekend in Syracuse, with my niece and her two boys. Garage sale, playing outside, sunburn, hot weather, sprinkler on the gym set to make a "water slide," and lots of hugs and kisses. I can't wait for them to meet their new cousin.
Last Tuesday, I sent an email to the rest of my siblings. The rest of = those I'm not in touch with on a daily or weekly basis, those who I told I was trying to get pregnant and then never heard from again. Rather than giving them the courtesy and showing them the importance of their opinion or support of me by giving them individual phone calls, I sent one email.
As you all know, I tried for nearly three years to get pregnant. It wasn't in the cards, and after much disappointment, I've decided to move on. And knowing that my fertility issues were as serious as they were, I began the paperwork for international adoption as I went through my last year of fertility treatment.
As of May 17, all of my paperwork is in, my FBI clearance came through, and I am officially on a very long waiting list for a baby.
As you may not know, international adoption is extremely expensive. When it's all said and done, my adoption costs will exceed $26,000 (and probably be closer to $30,000).
The good news about the very long waiting list -- they are now estimating 16 to 22 months -- is that it gives me plenty of time to save and raise money. I am applying for adoption-specific grants, and my friends have helped organize a raffle as one fund-raiser, and we have just started selling raffle tickets.
If you are interested in helping sell some as well -- or just want to buy some -- let me know. Tickets are $5 each or 5 for $20, and the list of prizes for the monthly drawings can be found on the website I've set up....
Thanks in advance for your help.
--Ellie
I'd like to say that I'm surprised that I've heard from none of them. But I'm not. I wish I could say I wasn't hurt. But I am.
What I have learned is that I've realized over the last three years is that no matter how important family, friends are just as important, if not more.
Kind of a rambling post, I know. I'll try to have a more cohesive brain later in the week. Until then, happy new week.
Certainly, things may change. I'm certainly open to getting married someday, I'm just not counting on it anymore. I just hope that I will be enough. I will have to be, I guess.
I had a great weekend in Syracuse, with my niece and her two boys. Garage sale, playing outside, sunburn, hot weather, sprinkler on the gym set to make a "water slide," and lots of hugs and kisses. I can't wait for them to meet their new cousin.
Last Tuesday, I sent an email to the rest of my siblings. The rest of = those I'm not in touch with on a daily or weekly basis, those who I told I was trying to get pregnant and then never heard from again. Rather than giving them the courtesy and showing them the importance of their opinion or support of me by giving them individual phone calls, I sent one email.
As you all know, I tried for nearly three years to get pregnant. It wasn't in the cards, and after much disappointment, I've decided to move on. And knowing that my fertility issues were as serious as they were, I began the paperwork for international adoption as I went through my last year of fertility treatment.
As of May 17, all of my paperwork is in, my FBI clearance came through, and I am officially on a very long waiting list for a baby.
As you may not know, international adoption is extremely expensive. When it's all said and done, my adoption costs will exceed $26,000 (and probably be closer to $30,000).
The good news about the very long waiting list -- they are now estimating 16 to 22 months -- is that it gives me plenty of time to save and raise money. I am applying for adoption-specific grants, and my friends have helped organize a raffle as one fund-raiser, and we have just started selling raffle tickets.
If you are interested in helping sell some as well -- or just want to buy some -- let me know. Tickets are $5 each or 5 for $20, and the list of prizes for the monthly drawings can be found on the website I've set up....
Thanks in advance for your help.
--Ellie
I'd like to say that I'm surprised that I've heard from none of them. But I'm not. I wish I could say I wasn't hurt. But I am.
What I have learned is that I've realized over the last three years is that no matter how important family, friends are just as important, if not more.
Kind of a rambling post, I know. I'll try to have a more cohesive brain later in the week. Until then, happy new week.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
July Raffle
I've officially started selling raffle tickets to go towards my adoption expenses -- at my last estimate, figuring the two trips to Africa, it will cost me in excess of $26,000! My friends have been awesome in helping me -- posting things to Facebook, sending out emails to their address books.
And recently my friend Claudia has started selling the eggs from her free-range chickens at work, with the majority of the money going to the adoption fund.
Our biggest fundraiser is a year-long raffle.
Here are the rules:
And recently my friend Claudia has started selling the eggs from her free-range chickens at work, with the majority of the money going to the adoption fund.
Our biggest fundraiser is a year-long raffle.
Here are the rules:
- Monthly drawings on the last day of each month
- $5 per chance or 5 chances for $20
- Enter as often as you like
- Your chances enter you in all "pools" until you're name is drawn -- in other words, YOU HAVE AS MANY CHANCES TO WIN AS THERE ARE DRAWINGS!
- More chances, more chances to win. Same person can win more than one drawing if they've entered more than once
- Enter online or in person with raffle ticket
- For consistency of drawings, all online entries will get ticket(s) filled out for them
- All items have been donated for this specific cause -- to help offset costs of international adoption
- All proceeds will be paid toward adoption costs
- Winner will be notified by email and listed on website by first name and city
- If not local, items will be mailed priority mail within one week of drawing. Winner will be sent tracking number.
- If you retweet or post to your Facebook, let me know, and I'll give you one free entry
Sunday, June 13, 2010
We've been through this before....
but I'll say it again. More than two years ago, I wrote a little post about things NOT to say to me. Today I'll add to it.
I received a text from my friend Tim in Baltimore. "A buddy of mine says all he needs is a 12-pack and he'll take care of your pregnancy problem."
Really?
To the guy who said it: "You're just an idiot, a typical narcissistic man who thinks you're so virile you can do what tens of thousands of dollars in fertility treatment couldn't."
And to my friend who sent me the text: "I know you think it's funny, I know you thought I'd get a chuckle out of that text. But I didn't. It actually made me cry. Actually reminded me of something I've probably gone a few days without thinking about. That I'm broken, that as a woman I'm inadequate, because I -- my body can't do what it was designed to do, what women for centuries have been doing."
And while I hate to think I'm so ultra-sensitive that you can't make any jokes with me, please remember that fertility jokes are just that....a cruel joke Mother Nature played on some of us.
I received a text from my friend Tim in Baltimore. "A buddy of mine says all he needs is a 12-pack and he'll take care of your pregnancy problem."
Really?
To the guy who said it: "You're just an idiot, a typical narcissistic man who thinks you're so virile you can do what tens of thousands of dollars in fertility treatment couldn't."
And to my friend who sent me the text: "I know you think it's funny, I know you thought I'd get a chuckle out of that text. But I didn't. It actually made me cry. Actually reminded me of something I've probably gone a few days without thinking about. That I'm broken, that as a woman I'm inadequate, because I -- my body can't do what it was designed to do, what women for centuries have been doing."
And while I hate to think I'm so ultra-sensitive that you can't make any jokes with me, please remember that fertility jokes are just that....a cruel joke Mother Nature played on some of us.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Adjusted Wait Times
I received my weekly update from my placement agency this morning. I'm trying to look on the bright side of this, but I'm not really finding anything positive about it:
Twice annually, we examine the trends over time and use our best judgment based on past history and experience in the program to estimate wait times that seem reasonable for the future. We have just finished reviewing families' experience and trending over the past year, and based on that research. As of today, we will be updating our wait times to the following:
* Current wait times for families requesting children 0-24 months: 16-22 months
So no longer a 12- to 18-month wait, which seemed like an impossibly long time to wait. And this is just for the referral, tack on another 6 months before I even bring the baby home.
*Sigh. It's chilly, gray and dreary outside -- and that's the way I feel inside right now.
Twice annually, we examine the trends over time and use our best judgment based on past history and experience in the program to estimate wait times that seem reasonable for the future. We have just finished reviewing families' experience and trending over the past year, and based on that research. As of today, we will be updating our wait times to the following:
* Current wait times for families requesting children 0-24 months: 16-22 months
So no longer a 12- to 18-month wait, which seemed like an impossibly long time to wait. And this is just for the referral, tack on another 6 months before I even bring the baby home.
*Sigh. It's chilly, gray and dreary outside -- and that's the way I feel inside right now.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Oh the pressure
A comment on my post from last week said, "Your blog has been recommended to us as a interviewee's favorite blog!"
Is it legit? It looked like it. I followed the link and answered some questions about my blog.
So, first, to whomever recommended me -- thank you! How flattering.
Second, wow, what pressure, to make sure I live up to your expectations, to not bore you, to keep you coming back, to keep you interested.
It's been a little tough blogging lately -- I have a few blogs. Though this one is my main one. You're not missing anything with the others, really. One, I've pulled all of my fertility posts into (all of my fertility posts from this blog). Just to have them all in one place, for friends and acquaintances who might be going through the same thing.
The second is for my adoption, to keep my friends and family updated on that process. And as a place for people to buy raffle tickets to help with that fund-raising. I can't have my family reading this. It would completely change the tone of what I write.
What I love about "Single Girl's Search," is that I'm anonymous for the most part. I don't feel guarded, I don't have to edit myself. It's just me -- the good, the bad and the ugly.
And then there's the really bad blog -- it's the R-rated (sometimes maybe even X-rated) version of Chris and J and E and every one who has come before and after them.
And so what's been tough is remembering the most important thing about writing -- who is your audience? And so usually I think about what I'm going to write as I'm driving home from work, and then suddenly I have to think -- "for which blog?"
Ultimately my goal is always to write for this one first, to tell you the stories, and then edit them as appropriate for my other audiences.
Is it legit? It looked like it. I followed the link and answered some questions about my blog.
So, first, to whomever recommended me -- thank you! How flattering.
Second, wow, what pressure, to make sure I live up to your expectations, to not bore you, to keep you coming back, to keep you interested.
It's been a little tough blogging lately -- I have a few blogs. Though this one is my main one. You're not missing anything with the others, really. One, I've pulled all of my fertility posts into (all of my fertility posts from this blog). Just to have them all in one place, for friends and acquaintances who might be going through the same thing.
The second is for my adoption, to keep my friends and family updated on that process. And as a place for people to buy raffle tickets to help with that fund-raising. I can't have my family reading this. It would completely change the tone of what I write.
What I love about "Single Girl's Search," is that I'm anonymous for the most part. I don't feel guarded, I don't have to edit myself. It's just me -- the good, the bad and the ugly.
And then there's the really bad blog -- it's the R-rated (sometimes maybe even X-rated) version of Chris and J and E and every one who has come before and after them.
And so what's been tough is remembering the most important thing about writing -- who is your audience? And so usually I think about what I'm going to write as I'm driving home from work, and then suddenly I have to think -- "for which blog?"
Ultimately my goal is always to write for this one first, to tell you the stories, and then edit them as appropriate for my other audiences.
Monday, June 07, 2010
Dangerous Games
I've been a bad, bad girl. Well, not really, but I'm very close to being a bad, bad girl.
I work with Jackson. He is the perfect cross between J and Chris. He's cocky and confident, like Chris. He's wildly inappropriate, knowing the undeniable sexual tension that exists between us, like J. And like both of them, he falls into that "I shouldn't" category.
And yet I want to. We flirt, we talk way beyond the bounds of appropriate...and so far, nothing has happened. And while I want it to, I'm hoping I can be satisfied with the way things are right now.
Like J, like Chris, Jackson is really good for my ego. And like J and Chris, I could totally cross the boundaries of friendship and what's right, and have no emotional attachment whatsoever.
Here's hoping I can stay the course.
I work with Jackson. He is the perfect cross between J and Chris. He's cocky and confident, like Chris. He's wildly inappropriate, knowing the undeniable sexual tension that exists between us, like J. And like both of them, he falls into that "I shouldn't" category.
And yet I want to. We flirt, we talk way beyond the bounds of appropriate...and so far, nothing has happened. And while I want it to, I'm hoping I can be satisfied with the way things are right now.
Like J, like Chris, Jackson is really good for my ego. And like J and Chris, I could totally cross the boundaries of friendship and what's right, and have no emotional attachment whatsoever.
Here's hoping I can stay the course.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Newborn
My friend had a baby the other day. Her husband called me and I was genuinely excited. Not knowing what they were having before, I immediately went out and bought a cute little frilly dress for her.
And later in the afternoon I went up to visit. Because it was what is expected of me, what I expect for myself. I didn't think about how it might make me sad, how maybe I should wait a few days or a week before seeing the baby. I wanted to meet her that day. And was so excited to have her all to myself before visitors ascended the hospital the next day.
And then when I was there, I looked around the room and realized I would never be there for myself. I would never have nurses coming in to check on my, to take the baby's vitals. And I looked down at this perfect little face, only a few hours old at that point, and realized I would never know my baby this little.
And it made me sad. I took a deep breath and tried not to think about me. I thought about my friend, and how happy she was, and how of all the people in the world, she called me to spend the afternoon with her, just hours after giving birth.
And she did it not to make me feel sad, but because she knew how much I would enjoy having baby time that I didn't have to share with anyone else, how much I would enjoy the quiet time with the baby, maybe so I could reflect in my own way, on my own terms.
And for that I thank her, and realize how luck I am to have the friends that I have.
And later in the afternoon I went up to visit. Because it was what is expected of me, what I expect for myself. I didn't think about how it might make me sad, how maybe I should wait a few days or a week before seeing the baby. I wanted to meet her that day. And was so excited to have her all to myself before visitors ascended the hospital the next day.
And then when I was there, I looked around the room and realized I would never be there for myself. I would never have nurses coming in to check on my, to take the baby's vitals. And I looked down at this perfect little face, only a few hours old at that point, and realized I would never know my baby this little.
And it made me sad. I took a deep breath and tried not to think about me. I thought about my friend, and how happy she was, and how of all the people in the world, she called me to spend the afternoon with her, just hours after giving birth.
And she did it not to make me feel sad, but because she knew how much I would enjoy having baby time that I didn't have to share with anyone else, how much I would enjoy the quiet time with the baby, maybe so I could reflect in my own way, on my own terms.
And for that I thank her, and realize how luck I am to have the friends that I have.
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