Saturday, October 16, 2010


And that's really the way I've been feeling since I got back from vacation, for lots of reasons.

The house thing has fallen through. I've pretty much made up my mind that, at this point, I can't afford a house. Actually, I can afford a house. It will just make it very hard to afford day care when the time comes.

And I've got friends who are single mothers, who are all struggling right now. Who's to say that I would be in the same situation, but I think I'm going to feel more comfortable, more stable knowing that I haven't spent beyond my means.

And so I'm starting to look at my current home and figure out where things will go, how I will baby proof, how I will set up furniture in the baby's room. I don't have all the answers, but thankfully (or not) I have lots of time to think about it.

Tomorrow I will be five months on the waiting list. So officially, or unofficially since these are all estimates, I have 11 to 17 months to go for my referral. It seems like forever to wait, but there isn't much I can do about it. I have so few options.

I'm treating myself to a massage tomorrow. I guess that's the plus about not being able to afford a house -- it does give me more breathing room with my money. And given my mood lately, my stress level, my level and hours of insomnia, my restless mind and never ending thoughts, and the fact that very soon, it will be a whole year since Chris and I talked -- I'm going for an 80-minute massage.

There is so much more on my mind, beyond work, beyond the adoption. I learned that the president and a vice president are each expecting their second child in the spring, and the news actually brought me to unexpected tears the other day -- I thought I was beyond that, I really did. I'm feeling things for a friend that I shouldn't, and I'm also confused by it. I need to mull it over in my head more before commenting.

And so all of that going on, all of that brewing in my head, it's no wonder I have been awake on Saturday since 5:15am (and earlier this week went into work having been up since 1:30am -- good times). I'm hoping some time in the sauna, before and after the massage, will help make things right in my head, at least so I can sleep.

Friday, October 01, 2010

What a Shitty Week

After such a great vacation, this week has absolutely sucked. It started when I walked into my house after vacation and saw my pile of mail on the kitchen counter. Peaking out from under magazines and junk and bills and catalogs, I saw the return address of one of the organizations where I applied for a grant.

I dropped everything and ripped it open. I should have realized, that maybe it's like a college acceptance letter -- the thinner they are, the worse news they carry. One form letter folded into a #10 envelope did, in fact, deliver bad news. No grant from the Christians. I couldn't help but think -- probably unfairly -- that my single status doomed me from the start.

Work has been insane. I'm interviewing for a new position that will report to me and we have the final candidates on campus. Which really translates to I'm in meetings all day and can't get actual work done. There are piles that I know are there, that I've purposely made, that are projects I can't even look at or think about right now.

And I am not that person. I move things. Especially first proofs coming back to me, needing to go to the client. But in this case, these projects are also being managed by one of my problem children. And I know these proofs will need a lengthy email to go with them, since there is missing content and photos. And so, the problem child gets pushed to the side of my desk for the time being.

At one point this week I lamented that I wished I wasn't having lunch with a friend from high school on Saturday so I could come into work. How sad is that?!

For the past three or four months, I've been contemplating the idea of buying a house. I'm throwing money away by renting, and I do need something to focus on for the next year while I wait for the referral. I also figured that I would be able to borrow whatever I will need for the final adoption bills.

And so everyone I've told has thought it was a great idea. Everyone has been very supportive. I went to the bank and pre-qualified for an insane amount of money. I told the woman she was on crack, and then started looking at houses for less than half that amount.

I've seen some duds this week, and then last night, I saw a house that was everything I would have picked. An enclosed front porch. In a neighborhood. An open floor plan. Good sized bedrooms. Huge basement that could be converted to a finished basement with a little work. A yard that I could totally manage taking care of. A garage. And it has character. I can imagine myself walking a stroller in the neighborhood.

And then I figured out the monthly mortgage rate. Fine. And then the state, village, town and school taxes. Welcome to New York, please bend over so we can fuck you. I've heard people complain and vent about NYS taxes my whole life, but it didn't mean anything. Until now. Now I get it.

And now I'm feeling completely over-whelmed. And completely crushed. Maybe it was too much to take on. Maybe a house and a baby in less than 18 months is too much. But for the past three years, I've heard people tell me I'm amazing, I'm fearless, I'm so brave, that I can do anything.

And maybe I finally started to believe it. Because I did feel that a house and a baby in less than 18 months was something I could do. Of course, I could do that. I'm competent. I'm responsible. I have to be able to do it, because if I can't, who's going to do it for me?

But the numbers have been keeping me awake at night. The thoughts and the figures and the wondering and the scenarios are all I think about. And this is when I feel so alone. My friends can be supportive, they can listen and give advice. But at the end of the day, it's on me. No one else can help me make this decision.

And in the end, I'm so afraid that I'm going to make the wrong decision. Should I take the leap of faith? Or should I back off? Whatever decision I end up making, I think, for a long time I will wonder what if I had done the other.