Friday, August 29, 2008

I started the week by finally getting up to Syracuse to go to the fertility guru's office. I had a baseline ultrasound and blood work done. Every moment in their office felt like I was in the right place. Everyone was so kind and friendly. And they were extremely efficient.

The first woman who walked me back took my blood, then left the room. The ultrasound tech came in next and took care of that. She left and in came the nurse that I've been talking to on the phone, with my blood work results and a chart of how the next few weeks will go. Daily shots turn into two shots a day tonight, ultrasounds and blood work down here every three days, and then the target date for egg retrieval is September 9.

I'm moving again, and it feels good. And the gym reopened this week -- yeah! I had a great talk with my trainer tonight, we talked about goals and my workout schedule. I told him that I recently realized that I've been so focused on getting pregnant, that I let my focus on working out and being healthy slip away. That I need to take each month that I'm not pregnant as an opportunity to work out hard, and that even if I am pregnant, that's no excuse to ease up.

I will talk with fertility guru and get his okay on everything, so that I can continue with an hour of cardio and strength training five days a week. And Aaron is totally on board to support me, to keep me motivated, to help me stay healthy, pregnant or not. It felt good. It made things seem more balanced. Something I'm not very good at.

And so tonight, I did two shots. And I thought the second one won't be so bad, the needle is the same size. Hmmmm...not so much. It was not only a little longer, but much sharper. It took me a couple times to get the needle in my stomach, and then it was okay. It's always okay. It hurts at the very first poke, but then it's fine.

And as always, it's all going to be worth it.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Shooting Up

I started my injections on Tuesday, and by last night I feel like an old pro. The needle is not as awful as I thought, and I was far less squeemish, too. I will continue with these injections to suppress all of my hormone levels.

Then after I get my period, I'll go to Syracuse for a baseline ultrasound. (I could do that here, but I figured I should start to establish a relationship and feel comfortable with the new office.) After that, I start with a different shot (still in the stomach) that will turn my ovaries into Jiffy Pop, as my friend Nancy says, and hopefully produce lots of big, juicy, healthy eggs.

And then sometime around September 8 or 9, I will go up to have my eggs harvested. I'll need someone to take me, since they will have to give me a local and I'll be a little too loopy to drive back. I'll already have the baby batter at the doctor's office so they can inject each egg with sperm. And then if all goes well, I'll go back a few days later and be implanted with two embryos.

That's a lot of if's. I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic about this whole process.

You'd think by now that would be an emotion I was an expert at, but I'm not. Somehow I always get my hopes up too high, which leads to major disappointments. And for the past year, it has been nothing but a roller coaster of hopeful highs and crashing lows.

Just once, I would like something I hope for to come true. I felt that by securing a known egg donor, by finding someone I knew and trusted and loved to be my genetic "replacement," the disappointment of having the dwindling egg supply was so greatly minimized.

Truly, the minute she offered, my 10-day headache went away. It was so unnerving to have to think about finding a genetic replacement for me. Choosing the sperm was like buying a pair of shoes compared to looking at the egg donor profiles.

I should have known better than to feel so secure. (And while I'm glad if she had reservations, that she voiced them now, it is still disappointing, it is still so hurtful. And I wonder, if I had not written to her and told her I had my phone consultation and that I would call her after so I could let her know the next steps, if I had not done then, when would she have told me?)

And so that's all I have to say about that. It's done. It's over. I need to focus on trying to grow some eggs. To encourage my body to eek out just a few viable eggs, for just another cycle or so. And that Dr. Richard Gere can perform the miracles that he's been performing for over 10 years.

I know of nine babies, by three different women, that he is responsible for creating. Wouldn't 10 be a nice round number?

Monday, August 18, 2008

Dr. Richard Gere

I had my phone consultation this morning with the fertility guru who, if I have not mentioned, looks like Richard Gere.

His voice was very soothing and he made me feel like we're in this together. He looked at my file and isn't as concerned about my FSH number as my regular OB, so he wants to try to see if he can get some eggs out of me.

"You have insurance coverage, let's just try and see if we can harvest some eggs. I may go in and see that you don't have any, but then we'll know for sure and we still have options of using an egg donor." (I put the recent happenings of last night out of my head and focused on being positive with what he was saying.)

We talked for about 10 minutes and we decided that I didn't want to do IUI any more. "I'm 38 and a half....I'm not getting any younger, let's just get this done." And he agreed. IVF is the next best step for me.

His nurse was to call me today or tomorrow and set me up with the meds schedule, and I will start injectables in the next day or two. Yippee....I don't get out of giving myself a shot in the stomach every day. ;)

I felt really positive this morning after talking with him. Not only because there's still a possibility of getting pregnant with my own eggs, but also because we're moving again. I'm the type of person that will go 10 miles out of my way if I can keep my car moving, rather than sit in traffic. And that's what I've felt like, like I was sitting in traffic and couldn't keep moving.

As for my friend who rescinded her offer to be my egg donor....I'm not ready to fully talk about it yet. I'm feeling all the things that Bubbles said in her comment in the previous post, and more.

Disappointment because after serious discussions with her about her reservations, she still said that she and her husband had agreed that it was "a go." Resentment that she is allowing people who don't even know me to have such a profound effect on my life.

I'll get over it. I'm just not sure when.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

My Infertility Headache is Back

I received the following email excerpt from my friend, who by all account I was thinking would be my egg donor. I can't comprehend it all yet. I'm numb. More tomorrow after I talk to the fertility guru.

I cannot tell you how sorry I am, but I don't think I can be a donor. At first I was just wondering logistically about where the nearest OBGYN office is, and the fact of dealing with Albany traffic and the hours' drive at a moment's notice, and that was just a concern. We know how my sister works, but when I talked to her about it and she just kept asking about how it should bother me having a biological child out there. In the circumstance of donating eggs to you, I really wouldn't think of it as my child at all. It would be yours. Coming out here, I can talk to my mom-in-law about anything, and she's a very liberal and modern thinker. So it exasperated me when, upon mentioning donating eggs, she instantly turns to Lily and says "You'll have half-siblings!!!" I didn't anticipate, as you have had to do, me having to deal with family member's opinions on it. I never thought of it as an issue, but now I know that I have at least 2 family members that would forever believe I had children out there, even that Lily would have half-siblings. That thinking really bothers me.

I cannot tell you how sorry I am. I hope you can feel that. I think that in the donor paperwork it should definitely mention talking to extended family members and their feelings; obviously it addresses the potential donor's thoughts so much, but I NEVER anticipated having family members who would stubbornly view the donation as giving children away or refusing to budge that if I don't think of the donation as giving away biological children or Lily's half-siblings, neither should they. It just gets me to the core. I know that you've encountered judgements in your pursuit; so I guess it just goes to show that everyone does along the way.

But please know that I am rooting for you all the way, I entirely regret upheld hopes and dropping them down. With all of my heart, I believe in the mother you have waiting to nurture your child, I believe that you have a child waiting to be in your arms, and I love you!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Golden Grammy

Mark Spitz won his 7th gold medal to-day. The country is split in half. The war, civil rights. This young man has brought the nation together as one.

My grandmother wrote that in her journal during the 1972 Olympics. I remember reading those words after she passed away in 1994. And I thought about them again last night as I heard Bob Costas, half asleep (me, not him) say that Michael Phelps had won his 6th gold medal of these Games, and would be going for seven tomorrow.

I might not use the same method -- or even a singular method -- as my grammy, but I follow in her footsteps when it comes to keeping track of the world.

On my calendar, I write who I talked to that day, and if I received any mail (real mail, not electronic). This is something I have done since middle school. Only then, I also kept track of who I walked home with; and then in high school, who I worked with at the grocery store.

In my journal, I keep track of deeply personal "list," potential baby names and letters to my yet-conceived baby, and half-written, barely started letters to J (some dating back to 2001).

And here...well you read what goes on here. Sometimes it's deep, sometimes it's personal, and sometimes it's just boring. But it's my life. And I think in this arena, it's the closest to my real life that I can get.

Not only do I share my grandmother's name. She was Eleanor, I am Ellie (Eleanor was too old-fashioned for 1970, she told my parents). And because I am still single, we share the same last name, something I will be sad to give up if I ever do get married.

But I also share her passion for observing and reporting, for sharing profound thoughts without being pompous. She was never a simple woman, but she enjoyed the simple things. And noticed everything around her.

I hope that by observing the simple things as she did (saw the first robin of spring to-day), noticing the bigger things (our country is again divided over a war and politics), and making the most of the hand I was dealt, I am making her proud.

Michael Phelps goes for his 7th gold medal tonight, to tie Mark Spitz. Tomorrow he could break the record. And for the past week, the country has forgotten about the mud-slinging of the election and remembers what it's like to root for the same thing.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Things are moving forward :)

My file has finally arrived in Syracuse at the fertility guru's office, and I have a consultation phone call on Monday morning at 7am.

My patience has been wearing thin with the waiting and waiting. Now I finally feel like I'm back on the road. Of course it also means that next week I will have to make my final decision about the egg donor. And even though I'm leaning strongly in one direction, I know that making it final will be hard.

And while I've had hopeful thoughts that I might be pregnant this month from my moments of indiscretion, I know really that I'm not. That I couldn't be. And so having the appointment on Monday really keeps me on track with my thinking, and not setting myself up for a major disappointment.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

More and more it seems like I was right...

I haven't heard from match-boy since the no phone call and then the creepy text on Sunday night, which leads me to believe that I was right all along. He was looking to get laid as soon as he possibly could.

If I'm wrong, if he was genuinely a nice guy, then he would have called me to see what's up. He would have texted me to apologize for stepping over the line. Or maybe he really is a nice guy, maybe he knows he stepped over the line and doesn't know how to handle it.

If that's the case then maybe I'm a bitch. Do I write off men too soon? Do I find faults and flaws that I can't forgive when really I should?

I'm going to second-guess myself briefly, because in the end, I have to trust my gut. I have to trust my intuition. And I do trust my friends' opinions, who all got the creepy vibe when I recounted the weekend's events.

Top that off with a conversation Bubbles had with her ex this weekend about this very dating website. "All my friends are on match. It's such an easy way for them to get laid. A phone call, a few emails, a few texts, a dinner out and they're fucking these girls."

And so while I do have a friend who found her husband on match (seven years ago), I'm done with it. It has become a virtual bar. A place to hook-up, and not in a very meaningful way.

A year ago, I was at peace being single. I was focused on trying to have a baby. The delay in getting pregnant and the road bumps along the way have made me lose focus, have diverted my attention.

This weekend with match-boy has refocused me. In a good way. For now, I'm okay being single. For now, I need to think about saving money, being healthy (down 13 pounds since I stopped taking the hormones), and getting pregnant. A healthy mind and a healthy body can only be good for helping to grow the baby once I get pregnant.

Someday, when I'm traveling in the single parent circle, I might meet someone. But for right now, I'll enjoy my friends, my family, working out, and trying to get knocked up.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Ice Cream, part 2

I'm a planner. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. But either way, I am a planner and not an overly spontaneous person. For the most part, I like to know what I'm doing on any given day.

Yesterday, after the gym, I did grocery shopping (and on a side note, have no idea how I spent $100) and then home. Match-boy called about 4:30 and asked what I was doing, if I had any plans for the night. When I replied no, he asked what I wanted to do.

"Why don't we meet somewhere for ice cream?"

"You still want ice cream?!"

"Sure...and really what else is there to do in this town?"

"I can think of some things."

I let that comment go by. I don't want to sound like a bitch. "Are you up for ice cream?"

He replied that he was, that he was out in some podunk town about 45 minutes from home, but that he wouldn't be much longer and would call me back. In my mind, "not much longer" and knowing where he was, I was thinking he would call me about 6 and we would meet about 7.

I watched the Olympics, the pitiful Yankees game, and the SVU marathon on USA...and waited. Do we notice a pattern here?

I talked to Bubbles about 7:15 and we decided that I would give him until 7:30, and then I was going to get ready for bed. Fool that I am, I had been sitting and waiting, so I didn't start any project because I wanted to be ready to go when he called. I won't make that mistake again.

And so 7:30 came and went. I locked up downstairs and went up to my room. Washed my face, figured out what to wear to work today, packed my gym bag, etc. I talked to my niece for a little while about 8, and then at 8:30, a text came through.

"So are you watching the cubs and cards game"

WTF! So I replied "no getting ready for work tomorrow and bed"

"Need any help"

That right there solidified his motives to me. We've met once. We've texted for a week, but have really had no meaningful phone conversations. I ignored the comment, and continued reading my book.

About 45 minutes later, he texted again. "just playing"

I wrote back "good night" but what I really meant was good-bye.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Ice cream, anyone?

I went to Syracuse for the day on Saturday. My niece was having a family reunion with her dad's side of the family, so I went up to spend the day with them.

As I was driving home, I texted match-boy. "How was your day? I'm about 15 minutes from home."

"Boring. How was yours"

"Fun but long."

"What are you dong tonight"

"Nothing planned. You?"

"nothing planned" ( to respond to that. Is he hinting that he wants to do something or just being curious?)

"Any ideas?"

"We could sit around and eat ice cream"

At this point, I am driving through downtown, on my way home. I pull over. If we're going to meet for ice cream, it's silly for me to go all the way home. So I write back "i love that idea...want me to head out your way"

And then I waited. And waited. Finally after being on the side of the road by the inlet and hearing nothing for 10 minutes, I called him. The conversation was frustrating at best. But basically, he wasn't home or any where near home, and decided maybe we should do this another time. Fine whatever.

So I drove home and as I was unlocking my door, he called and asked if there were any ice cream places near my house. I don't know of anyone, just the one downtown. then he asked if I had any ice cream in my freezer.

I let it go by that he thought he was going to know where I live after one date. I told him all I had was sugar-free popsicles. Then he asked what I was going to do the rest of the night. I told him I had some stuff I could do around the house. Then, because I was starting to get annoyed with him, for the hot and cold, cat and mouse games he seemed to be playing, I told him that I was going to the gym at noon the next day, and would be around after that if he wanted to call.

I talked to Bubbles after that, and had to give her the run-down on my very full week. I, of course, started the story with "well.....two weeks ago I had sex with a New York Yankee...." (Just because if you can start a story that way, you should ;) ) and ended with the ice cream conversations with match-boy.

In short, her opinion is that he's being a little weird, but I should give him the benefit of the doubt. My's so much easier to date married men. I say that half-seriously, but come on. No games, no tip-toeing, no "what will she think if I say this?"

Maybe I should just stick with the plan....and be content with the men in my life who are nothing but a physical distraction, and just worry about having a baby.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

When it Rains....

Here is a recap of what's been happening in my life and the men who are making it interesting.

J of Baltimore...some of you may remember previous posts about him. Lives in Baltimore, truly believe he is my soul mate and we met too late. We've been friends since 2001...most of the time we behave ourselves and act appropriately. There have been moments of indiscretion, once in person, a long time ago, others via text, a couple times a year.

In the middle of June, we chatted while he was on a golf trip with his brother, and I gave him the low-down on the baby-making project. He was genuinely excited and full of questions. From that time, he has been more than attentive. We've dirty texted (and it has gone to a whole new level) and even had some intense conversations. A text in late June says it all, "this should happen."

I'm waiting for it to happen, even as our conversations grow more and more intense.

I emailed Chris last week to wish him a happy birthday and ask when he was coming for a visit. We scheduled it for Friday. I admit, I was the one pushing for the meeting, the one pushing the suggestiveness in our conversations, the one being aggressive. Even Thursday afternoon when he called, and started to say "will you kill me if...."

I cut him off. "If you cancel on me, you are never hitting this again."

"I'll see you at 11;30."

That's what I thought. It was great to see him, and even though it has been over a year, we fit. When he walked in, I pushed him against the door. It was amazing, and we even talked after more than we usually do. And then I found out way. He was reactived to active duty last year, and just found out that he has to go to Mississippi for two years. This could have been our last hurrah.

Mississippi is better than Iraq, but far enough away that it might as well be. I was happy I called, really happy that I pushed to see him. He did make me feel the way I wanted, the way I needed. And it didn't matter that he only serves one need, that I only serve one need for him. For whatever reason, this works for us.

And while I haven't been actively looking at anyone on, I did get an email from someone last weekend. I signed up for the free three days to retrieve it and ended up emailing this guy a few times. We traded cell phone numbers and have texted each other all week. A few times, he's tried to push it to the naughty level (in a mostly uncreepy way) and I've put the brakes on. I hadn't even met him yet.

We met Friday night for drinks and dinner, and had a really good time. We talked, we laughed. I felt almost completely comfortable with him. He walked me to my car, and we stood there and talked for a little while longer. I was hoping that he would kiss me, but he didn't. He said he would call the next day.

When I was driving home, he texted me. "U R a little cutie." Hmmmm, sweet....flattering....not really sure how to respond. I waited until I got home before pulling the phone out again and was trying to figure out my response, when he called. I told him that I had a good time and would like to see him again. He said he did too, to have fun in Syracuse the next day, and he would talk to me soon.

I was over at my neighbor's giving her the full details of the date when he texted me again. "would u have slapped me if i tried to kiss you"

Interesting. It made me a little giddy. I wrote back that I was hoping he would.

"U don't think its too soon"

"Not really"

"how about it i kissed your pretty feet"

(This is where he wanders into the slightly creepy category. It is way too soon to be thinking about something like that -- or if he's going to think it, he shouldn't say it. And really, the whole foot fetish thing -- I don't get.)

"i think its too soon for that"

"r u frustrated"

(That comment confused me and frustrated me. I had sex today buddy, thanks....I'm not frustrated."

"not even a little bit"

It went on like this for a little while longer and then when he texted something that could have gone without a comment, I stopped.

Overall...I'm excited about the prospect of him. I'm trying not to find flaws where there might not be any, trying really hard not to compare him to Chris or especially J.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Random Weekend Thoughts

It's August 3rd and the high was in the mid-60s today. Gray and cloudy. Please don't tell me summer is over already.

I've decided that Facebook is about as good for my self-esteem as places like match and eharmony were. That is to say, not good at all.

I need to start going to the gym hardcore again. I just do. I've managed to lose about 10 of the clomid-related weight, but would like to lose at least another 10 to 15 before getting pregnant, not to mention firming up the mid-section just so it can be stretched out.

I emailed Chris the other day (in my defense, it was his birthday), even though I said I wouldn't. Even though I said he can't give me what I need.

Which leads me to the next thought -- do I even know what I need?

Saturday, August 02, 2008

It wasn't a W

But I'm totally taking credit for 7 innings, 0 runs, 2 hits, 1 K,and 4 BB against the best team in baseball.