If Only it Could Really Rain Men

I talked to my college roommate tonight and told her about the wedding, the boys, etc. I told her how much fun it was to be with all of them again. And she said, "that's why you're still single."

"Why's that?"

"Because you love all that attention -- one guy isn't enough. You need to surround yourself with lots of men."

** ** ** **

Wow, is that true? I think maybe it is. I think back, to the answer I always give when people ask me why I love baseball so much. "Because I realized that I could more attention from my father and brothers that way."

Being the youngest of eight, there was stiff competition for attention. Being the baby, being the cute one, wasn't enough. Even back then, I realized that I needed an edge. Baseball was my edge.

And so it became part of my edge as I grew up and discovered boys in a new way. I was always the fun one, always the one to hang out with the guys. I'd drink beer with them, watch sports, more importantly talk sports and even talk with them about "chicks."

And so when Gina said that to me tonight, that one guy isn't enough, it really gave me pause to think. Will one guy ever be enough? Will I need more from someone than the average person? But I think back to my past relationships -- to Bruce, to Chris. I would consider them my most successful. Longest lasting, at least.

Each one of them was enough for me, in their own way. They made me feel happy. Content. Safe. Secure. And adored. But because the very basis of both relationships (without going into too many gory details -- let's just say neither started with honesty, neither was destined to last) was shakey, did that make it somehow "more."

Did that excitement, that badness, give me that extra rush, that extra something that Gina says I need in my relationships?

I guess without even knowing the answer, that knowing the question can help me with future relationships. Knowing that I thrive on lots of male attention, maybe I can reign in next time. I guess I won't know the answer to that, won't know if it's true, won't know if I can succeed with just one guy, until that guy comes along.

One guy has to be enough, will be enough. Because at the end of the day, four days after having so much fun with a handful of guys -- they are all home with their wives or girlfriends, with their kids, their own life -- and they have what I want. And what I don't have, yet. But what I'm determined to get.