The Stupid Things Our Hearts Do

I miss Chris. I know I shouldn't. But I do. I thought about him the other day and realized that for the first time in two and a half years, he wasn't in my life.

I tried to think back to our last conversation and how proud I was of myself. How proud for telling him, you can come visit me but we are not having sex. For telling him how he made me feel the last time we were together, how that was the only time in my life I felt like shit after sex. How I managed to tell him exactly how I felt without getting emotional, and doing it in a way that he totally understood and agreed with. I even got an apology out of him. Of course, he could have been apologizing to see if I would change my mind.

He told me he would call me the next time he was down this way and we'd have lunch. I don't think he will.

For the same reason that I haven't really heard from BB since I've been here. What do I have to offer him (and him me) now that we don't live in the same city? It 's sad and cynical to think that way -- but truthful nonetheless.

And maybe he will call me. But really, what would that accomplish? I'd get my hopes up -- and then they'd be dashed. He's doing the right thing by not calling (whether it's an intentional, conscious decision or not). I know that.

But I can still miss him, can't I?