OK, I admit it ....I like him

It was a very atypical Friday for me. I had a couple meetings, including one at the end of the day with my boss. I decided this morning that it would be okay to wear jeans, even though I was meeting with a faculty member. So I put on my new skinny jeans, best thong and shaved my legs -- knowing full well that by preparing so well for happy hour I was no doubt jinxing myself from anything happening.

We headed out for drinks at 4pm -- it was liberating to wave good-bye to my boss a full hour early. But this was a special occassion, celebrating the end of phase one of a huge project that has consumed lots of people's time. I was invited because, as B said to the person doing the inviting, "you're going to invite ellie, right? because how could you not invite her?"

So for the second time in less than two days, I was in the same bar, drinking a Labatts Blue Light. There were about 10 of us, and when B got there, he came and sat next to me. At one point, when I found out our new co-worker was jewish, I asked her if she would make matzo ball soup for me, explaining that while I am an amazing cook and baker, the Catholic vibes just come out too strongly when I'm working with the matzo. I think the way I actually worded it was, "so you'll be my hook up?"

Being the smart ass that he is, B said, "the question is, ellie, will you be my hook up?" Everyone laughed, and being the discreet person I am, I couldn't say what I really wanted to. Any number of comebacks were going through my mind, but what I wish I could have said was, "i think we established the anwer to that last night on your bed."

He left about 5:45, talking on his phone briefly and then giving all of us a group good-bye. I admit I was disappointed -- I really didn't think anything would happen, but obviously I was hopeful. And I think I like him, and what he represents, way more than I want to admit. I certainly would never admit it to him -- not until I know where he's coming from.

That's my credo. And I don't get emotionally attached when there is a chance of rejection. And I know it lets the guy off way too easy -- but it's better to cry alone (when the good cry is needed) than to go through a big ugly scene, to go through the "it's not you, it's me," the "you deserve better than me," or "you're like a sister to me." That's what I can't handle. When I talked to my sister-in-law about this this morning, after she read my post about last night, she scolded me, saying that I shouldn't settle for being friends with benefits, that I should want more. And of course, I do want more, but I'd rather protect myself by pretending that I don't than get hurt. It's like public rejection, even if its only him that knows he's rejecting me. Hearing it out loud -- I can't take the risk. My heart has been broken too many times. Eventually someone will make me trust them, someone will get through my protective barrier. I hope.

My sidenote to this post is that I know I'm such a hypocrite, because I would hate if any of my nieces and friends felt like this about themselves. And I would kick their ass for not having more respect for themselves, for not expecting the best for themselves. But I guess I've been beaten down too many times to want to put it all out there so easily.