Would like to be in a chocolate-induced coma right now....

It's beyond liking B now. It's to the point where I am analyzing things that aren't even happening. I just need to know -- does he want to pursue something? Anything? Or are we just friends? And what kind of friends are we, exactly? The kind who only see each other at work? Or the kind who lay on a bed together, cuddling and talking, but having nothing resembling any form of sex?

Nothing has happened to elicit this diatribe on a Sunday afternoon. And that's the problem. Nothing has happened. I was fine until we went out last week. Actually, I was fine until we went back to his apartment. I had stopped thinking about him so much. Stopped wondering if the flirting was going anywhere. Had stopped over-analyzing all forms of communication with him, wondering if it was appropriate. And then a couple of beers and a couple of hours on a bed -- and BAM, here I am again. Neurotic over a non-relationship.

Friday night after work, I went out with my friend Erica. I was too dressed up for a Friday -- but that's what happens when someone schedules a Friday meeting with a Dean -- so I had to go home and change. We agreed to meet a little after 6 at Benchwarmers. I got out of my meeting at 5, after having spent the previous hour wondering what I had to wear that wasn't too big on me, and drove home with a full plan of what I needed to do in the next 30 minutes.

Plugged in the straightening iron, turned on the computer, pulled out my jeans, a thong, black v-neck sweater and a push-up bra (ouch, but necessary -- the sweater was a little big and really needed the enhancement of the push-up bra). I saw that B was still at work, with his away message up. Erica had been gently prodding me to tell him I was going out. I wasn't sure if I should.

But after getting changed, and touching up my hair and make-up, I thought what the hell?! So I changed my away message to say "at benchwarmers, go yankees!" and IM'd him with: "buy you a drink if you're out tonight. i'll be at benchwarmers after 6."

I didn't expect that I would see him, though I was hopeful all night. Erica and I stayed at Benchwarmers for a couple hours, then moved to a couple other bars, before heading to the "naughty store." And then as we were walking out with our brown paper bagged purchases, I thought, oh perfect, this is when we'll run into him. (It would have made a more interesting story if, in fact, we did run into him then. But we didn't.)

I drove Erica home and thought, well at least I'll have an IM response from him when I get home. So I've given up the gym, drank one beer beyond my usual limit and ate french fries -- and my reward, besides having a great time with my girlfriend, will be the message to send me off to sweet dreams. Right?

Wrong.

No message. Nothing. He had signed off when he left work, and signed back on at home. And had his away message up.

Now rationally, all of this tells me that I have gotten way too caught up in him, way too attached to nothing substantial, and I honestly need a reality check. I figured this all out today, as I procrastinated working out and realized that I have PMS-induced munchies -- not good for the 10 more pounds by Halloween plan. However, in a moment of clarity, what was the worst thing I ate -- sugar-free pudding and baked Lay's, when what I really wanted was a turtle sundae from Purity.

All of this tells me that I need to back off. I need to stop thinking about him. I need to go back to normal, to where we were that afternoon when I put my arm around him and simply told him I missed him, after not seeing him for two weeks. I was confident at that moment, comfortable, knew where I fit in the order of things. Now I'm confused, analytical and just plain neurotic.

It's not supposed to be like this...but then I guess, it's not supposed to be like anything.