Karma Chameleon

Do I believe in dating karma? Do I think that previously bad things I did are somehow casting a bad spell on my success (or lack of) in finding someone to have a relationship with? Is there a cosmic quid pro quo? It's a possibility, I guess. And it's as good an answer as any as to why a seemingly cool chick like me is still unattached.

But how to reverse the bad karma? How to undo the things I've done? I can't confess them to the person I've wronged. There is no need to hurt that person further. I feel that I'm making up for it by the fact that I've not let it happen again. But is that enough?

Here's the situation...it was Fall 2003 and I had to pick up a Museum VIP from the airport and deliver her and her son to the hotel. They were coming in to Baltimore for a couple days. I dragged a friend along for the ride -- actually I made him drive.

I didn't anticipate staying at the hotel as long as we did. But we stayed for dinner, and evenutally into the hotel bar, drinking and talking with a co-worker of mine and the VIP's son. I don't know what time it was when we ended up leaving -- but a whole lot of beer had been consumed.

When we got to my place, my friend came up to my apartment. I had something for his daughter, and he needed to use the bathroom. While he was doing that, I changed into my pajamas, planning to pass out as soon as he left.

We were standing in the living room, and I hugged him, presumably good-bye. And he kept hugging me. And then he kissed me quickly. Again, I thought nothing of it. A good-bye kiss. A good-bye kiss, however, that kept happening, until the good-bye kiss got longer, and then was not a good-bye kiss.

I pulled away, and he pulled me into his chest. "Oh Red, if only I weren't married. Can you imagine if we had met each other when I was single. We'd be good together."

I should have responded with: "Yea...we would have. But you're married. And you're also not the first man to say this to me." How sad is that?!

Instead, I started to cry, and then he kissed me again. Again for too long of a time. I pulled away. What else could I do? Slap him like some silly B-movie scene? Call him a bastard and kick him out? I sent him on his way, and then fell into a fitful sleep of confusion and guilt.

But it begs the question -- did I lead him on? Did I somehow invite him to think that this was okay? Honestly, I don't think that I did any of those things. But it happened. And it was wrong. And in the world of black and white, I am just as culpable as he was.

And so, two years later, is this moment of indiscretion coming back to haunt me? To somehow curse me? Or am I grasping at straws? Trying to rationalize that, maybe -- just maybe -- I haven't met him yet. For whatever reason.

Not fate. Not curses. Just life. And everything happens in its own due time -- but is not tied to actions of the past.