Subtle....he never was

It seemed like an innocent comment. Innocent to the speaker, not to the recipient. The very worst thing you could ever think about yourself, and then have someone you trust actually say it. It's a comment that still haunts me, many years later.

I was working in Baltimore, had been there two or three years at this point. I was out after work with my boss and Bitch-stine (when she was still happily married, still morally aligned, still my friend). We had been talking about dating -- and my lack of dating prospects of late.

Bitch-stine said I was too picky, that I overlooked good potentials. I agreed that that was probably true. And then Mike said, "You need to lose some weight."

Like a slap in the face. When I later confronted him on the comment, he said I needed to lighten up, that I needed to take responsibility, anything to make it seem like it was not what he said but how I interpreted it. Because, really, I had come to learn at that point even, that nothing was ever Mike's fault.

So however he meant it, whatever point he was trying to make, what came across to me was, "you don't have a boyfriend because you're fat." Like I didn't know that already. Thanks for the news flash.

It's something I had always thought, had never had the guts to say out loud, and here it was, out on the table, at a little bar, on a rainy Friday afternoon, in north Baltimore city. And not to trivialize the moment, or pull in a pop culture reference, but here it is.

It's the episode of "Friends" when Ross makes the pro/con list for Rachel and Julie. I remember watching that episode not long after that night, and that was what I felt. Except nobody could understand why I took to heart what he said.

I remember Bitch-stine (all 90 pounds of her) telling me that I was foolish to listen to anything Mike said (okay, true), and then not understanding how the thought process could be going on in my head. The only thing that someone said that made even a dent was John Z -- he reminded me that I was "laying down" with one of the biggest cazenovas in Baltimore, a man who could have any woman he wanted -- and he chose me. Time and time again, BB called me.

And so why do I bring this up three, four years later? Why do I let it still bother me?

Because here I am, gaining some self-confidence, liking the way I look -- and still...no man, no prospects. And then I wonder, if I continue to lose weight, if I continue to gain self-confidence, and nothing happens? Then maybe it's just me.

I'm not sure how this tangent evolved -- this wasn't my intent when I started writing. I think it's the book that is pissing me off a little. I'm reading it, and I'm reading these comments from married people, and all I can think of is the annoying know-it-all mother friend of yours who says, "you can't understand how this feels until you have kids of your own."

But I'm going to keep reading, and hope that it gets better. Hope that I can glean something positive from it. Because right now, when I really think about it, about how I am where I never dreamed I would be -- or wouldn't be -- it's pretty damned frustrating.