I am in a leadership training program at work. We have all-day sessions about once a month, and each day deals with a different topic. Today we learned about interpersonal communication and the different ways we communicate with one another -- verbal, subverbal and nonverbal, as well as communciation styles.

I consider myself to be a fairly articulate person, a good story-teller, etc...but I learned a lot today. And one of the things that really stood out to me was the difference between intention and impact -- meaning that a person can say something and mean (or not mean) one thing, but it is interpreted differently and the impact can be negative, though that wasn't the intention.

I think this resonated with me because I've been thinking about my friend JM in Rochester. She is the one I've recently referred to as my "Hallmark friend," the kind you only communicate with at the holidays.

That wasn't an entirely accurate picture. JM and I have e-mailed over the course of the past few months, back and forth for a few rounds and then suddenly she'll stop. If it happened once, I wouldn't think anything of it -- but it's happened a couple of times. So I've actually gone back into my "sent" folder in my e-mail to see what I could have written to offend her. And in both cases, I've answered queries of hers about dating, my love life, etc.

An example:

She wrote: How about you? How are things on the dating front, etc.?

I answered her previous questions, and then to this one, responded: Dating is the same -- which is to say non-existent. I've pretty much given up. I just do my thing -- do my volunteer work, I've been going to the gym for 90 minutes after work every night, visit with family and friends. It is what it is. Once the weather is better -- that is to say more predictable -- we'll have to plan a visit. I haven't been to Rochester since the fall.

I wasn't saying it to elicit sympathy. I truly feel sometimes that to not be constantly looking, to not be constantly focused on it, is actually healthier. Everyone, JM included I'm sure, has told me many, many times...."when you least expect it..." or "when you stop looking...."

But by her lack of response, I wondered, should I not be expressing myself this way? Have I complained about it for so long that my friends are sick of hearing my dating woes? That when they ask, it's really the equivalent of "how are you?" No one really wants to hear anything other than "fine thanks."

I'm not sure. But it's been weighing on my mind, leaving me unsure of how to handle it with her, or even if I want to deal with it. If I do the latter, I'll just wait until something comes up, we'll chat causally and that will be that. And maybe that's the way our friendship will be from now on.

I could ask her about it, but confrontation -- of any kind -- has never been my strong suit.

Or, I could take something out of what I learned today, and believe that the impact of her non-response was not as she intended. She wasn't reacting to anything I had written, she just got busy and never responded.