The Mid-Winter Blues

I haven't written in a while -- I heard it from my niece tonight. Though even if she hadn't commented, certainly I knew that I hadn't written in a while. And it's been weighing on my mind. Not only that I haven't, but that I felt I had nothing to write about.

I went to visit my high school friend yesterday -- she's got a two year old and is pregnant with twins -- and then up to Syracuse to spend the night at my niece's. All around me I see it -- what I don't have. And then I came home to feel completely over-whelmed by work. And not the fact that I brought work home with me, but that I still don't feel that instinct I think I should have. All of this spirals into this over-whelming feeling, this feeling that this is it. This is my life, for better or worse. This is why I get up in the morning, this is why I go to work.

My eating has also been out of control the past few days, maybe even the past week, off and on. I need to get that "thing" back, that motivation, that willpower that I used to have. I could so easily gain back the nearly 40 pounds that I've lost in the last year. And I can't.

I actually found myself eating today, just for the sake of it. Because something sounded good. Even after I was bordering on feeling satisfied/full, I munched on pretzels and baked chips. Thank god, I don't keep "true" junk food in my house, though the bag of chocolate chips in the freezer has gotten smaller.

So how do I get it back? How do I feel in control of eating and exercise? How do I feel comfortable at my job? And how do I get that feeling back that it's all worth it, that it's all moving me forward, moving toward something bigger and better?