The Grass is Always Greener

I spent the day with my 25-year-old niece and her boyfriend. A boyfriend that is not exactly popular in my family. He is selfish and arrogant, and while I don't think he exactly mis-treats Erica, he definitely doesn't treat her well. The last time I was in Richmond, we were talking about her options, about their future, etc. And I asked her if she thought, in his mind, that his career would always come ahead of her career. She said, without even blinking, "His career will always come before me."

I still think about that, and what an awful feeling that must be. But to feel that you've made this much of a commitment to someone to put up with that. What would I do in that situation? I'd like to think that I wouldn't stay, that I wouldn't allow that to happen. But really, until we're faced with that, and the consequences of not putting up with it, we never really know.

She so wants to be in a relationship -- she wants the whole deal. Husband, kids, dog, house in the suburbs. And yet she is living with someone who doesn't think he ever wants to get married. Not at least until he's in his 40s or 50s. So is having love and your dreams compromised better than not having love at all?

I think that is the dilemma she is facing. Perhaps she sees me -- at 35 and single. Successful, stable and self-sufficient -- absolutely. But also, sadly, single. I think she knows -- as everyone in my family probably does to a certain extent -- that I want to be married. I want kids. I don't have that yet. May never have that.

Does she see me and think that her life is somehow a better alternative? What would I do? What if I fell in love with a great guy -- the perfect man for me? With one flaw -- he didn't want kids. Ever. Would I give up love for that? Would I be willing to sacrifice being a mother just so that I can be a wife?

I honestly don't know the answer to that. And that helps me understand what Erica must be going through. She told me that it would be so much easier if someone just told her what to do, even though she knows she must face this decision on her own. I don't know what the right thing is for her -- I know what I think the right thing is for her. But being put in a similar situation -- what I ultimately decided was right for me, might not be the popular opinion.

And so today, I made small talk best I could, invited them to stay for dinner, and really tried -- because who knows -- someday he could really be a part of this family, whether we like it or not.