Tuesday night, I got a text about 8:30. I was already asleep (remember my earlier post about how I'm just exhausted?) and stared at the phone. It said "new message from E." It literally took me a good 20 or 30 seconds to comprehend.
It was a generic message, saying that he was doing the show in the morning and "feel free to send a detailed email about how much you like the sub-host."
It barely registered, but somehow crept into my subconscious, because all night I tried to come up with a clever email. It never happened. My alarm went off, I turned the TV on, and sure enough there he was. And then I remembered the text.
I grabbed my phone and looked. Yup, there it was. I hit reply, "I don't know if I should 'detail' how much I like you, but yes, when I'm out of bed, I'll send an email."
Okay, that was clever enough. But no response. I tend to think he sent out a broadcast email to everyone in his phone. And then again, the wisdom of Bubbles comes into play. "At least he still has your number in his phone."
So there's nothing more I can do. I've responded. Up to him to answer. And if not, oh well.
And then as if that blast from the past weren't enough. I logged into LinkedIn to accept a contact request and just like Facebook, they always have a list of people you may know. And there it was. There he was. Chris.
I have no idea who the good folks at LinkedIn would know that we know each other. He's in the Navy. I work in non-profit. There is no earthly reason that my work life should or would intersect with his.
It was very odd. Again, I had to stare at it for a little while to comprehend it. I clicked on it. There was his rank and title. Yup, it was him.
So what does it all mean?
Well, at the end of the week, I have realized that I don't miss Chris nearly as much as I ever would have thought possible. And it's not even the sex thing, it's him, in general. I don't miss him. And I kind of miss E. For the flirting, for the titillation, and yea, for the sex.
Friday, July 02, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Wisdom of Bubbles
It doesn't matter that my brothers and sisters haven't gotten back to me. It doesn't matter that they've ignored the email my mother sent out as a follow up to mine.
It doesn't matter that I'm hurt, again, by them.
It doesn't matter that they are seemingly ignoring the biggest thing in my life.
The only that matters is this biggest thing in my life, this little baby who will someday be mine.
It only matters that I am the type of person who can let go of hurt feelings, who can let go of the bitterness, so that I can be a good mom, a good role model. The kind of person I want to be for that little baby.
Bubbles reminded me of this, and once again reminded me how lost I would be without her.
It doesn't matter that I'm hurt, again, by them.
It doesn't matter that they are seemingly ignoring the biggest thing in my life.
The only that matters is this biggest thing in my life, this little baby who will someday be mine.
It only matters that I am the type of person who can let go of hurt feelings, who can let go of the bitterness, so that I can be a good mom, a good role model. The kind of person I want to be for that little baby.
Bubbles reminded me of this, and once again reminded me how lost I would be without her.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
The Week that Was....
It started out shitty. I was an emotional wreck on Monday and Tuesday, literally crying for no reason a few times. I finally got my period on Wednesday, which helped my emotional stability slightly.
Wednesday night I slept awful. Itchy-twitchy legs all night as I tried to fall asleep (itchy-twitchy is my version of reckless leg syndrome). Thursday I left work early, drove to Syracuse to meet my brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew for dinner and then my niece's high school graduation. And then turned right around and drove back home.
Friday I realized that I'm exhausted. Not just from the shitty week, the emotional week, the lack of sleep and driving 150 miles in four hours. But from work -- I've been doing two jobs since December and three since early May.
I was too tired to go to they gym tonight after church, but am hoping that blowing it off tonight, getting a good night's sleep and waiting until tomorrow will mean that I have lots of energy for the treadmill.
Added to all that is the fact that I still haven't heard from any of my siblings since I sent the email about my adoption nearly two weeks ago. Add insult to the fact that I went to dinner with two of the people who got the email, and saw another, on Thursday night. Not one word.
My mother became momma bear this morning and sent out an email to my siblings telling them I needed their support. We'll see how far that goes.
Wednesday night I slept awful. Itchy-twitchy legs all night as I tried to fall asleep (itchy-twitchy is my version of reckless leg syndrome). Thursday I left work early, drove to Syracuse to meet my brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew for dinner and then my niece's high school graduation. And then turned right around and drove back home.
Friday I realized that I'm exhausted. Not just from the shitty week, the emotional week, the lack of sleep and driving 150 miles in four hours. But from work -- I've been doing two jobs since December and three since early May.
I was too tired to go to they gym tonight after church, but am hoping that blowing it off tonight, getting a good night's sleep and waiting until tomorrow will mean that I have lots of energy for the treadmill.
Added to all that is the fact that I still haven't heard from any of my siblings since I sent the email about my adoption nearly two weeks ago. Add insult to the fact that I went to dinner with two of the people who got the email, and saw another, on Thursday night. Not one word.
My mother became momma bear this morning and sent out an email to my siblings telling them I needed their support. We'll see how far that goes.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Cranky Ellie
I'm not sure why, but I woke up in a foul mood. My stomach hurts. I feel bloated. I'm tired. I feel fat. My period is a few days overdue. And at any moment I could literally burst into tears.
A nice day to stay in bed. Or least, hibernate in my office.
But unfortunately I am in a meeting from 8:30 to 1:00, and then meetings from 1:00 to 2:00 and 2:30 to 4:00.
Ugh....if I don't snap someone's neck or cry today, it will be a miracle.
I found out yesterday that, due to the policy change requiring two trips to Ethiopia, they have raised some rates. An additional $1,000 overall. But that's not really bothering me. At this point, what's an extra $1,000 when I'm paying $26,000?
It all seems so abstract to me -- having to have that much disposable money. It doesn't seem possible.
A nice day to stay in bed. Or least, hibernate in my office.
But unfortunately I am in a meeting from 8:30 to 1:00, and then meetings from 1:00 to 2:00 and 2:30 to 4:00.
Ugh....if I don't snap someone's neck or cry today, it will be a miracle.
I found out yesterday that, due to the policy change requiring two trips to Ethiopia, they have raised some rates. An additional $1,000 overall. But that's not really bothering me. At this point, what's an extra $1,000 when I'm paying $26,000?
It all seems so abstract to me -- having to have that much disposable money. It doesn't seem possible.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Happy Father's Day
I can say that without being too sad. Although I just read a heart-breaking account from another blogger I read and how she bought two cards for her husband for today. It got me to thinking about how my child -- whenever he or she arrives -- will most likely not have a father. It will just be the two of us.
Certainly, things may change. I'm certainly open to getting married someday, I'm just not counting on it anymore. I just hope that I will be enough. I will have to be, I guess.
I had a great weekend in Syracuse, with my niece and her two boys. Garage sale, playing outside, sunburn, hot weather, sprinkler on the gym set to make a "water slide," and lots of hugs and kisses. I can't wait for them to meet their new cousin.
Last Tuesday, I sent an email to the rest of my siblings. The rest of = those I'm not in touch with on a daily or weekly basis, those who I told I was trying to get pregnant and then never heard from again. Rather than giving them the courtesy and showing them the importance of their opinion or support of me by giving them individual phone calls, I sent one email.
As you all know, I tried for nearly three years to get pregnant. It wasn't in the cards, and after much disappointment, I've decided to move on. And knowing that my fertility issues were as serious as they were, I began the paperwork for international adoption as I went through my last year of fertility treatment.
As of May 17, all of my paperwork is in, my FBI clearance came through, and I am officially on a very long waiting list for a baby.
As you may not know, international adoption is extremely expensive. When it's all said and done, my adoption costs will exceed $26,000 (and probably be closer to $30,000).
The good news about the very long waiting list -- they are now estimating 16 to 22 months -- is that it gives me plenty of time to save and raise money. I am applying for adoption-specific grants, and my friends have helped organize a raffle as one fund-raiser, and we have just started selling raffle tickets.
If you are interested in helping sell some as well -- or just want to buy some -- let me know. Tickets are $5 each or 5 for $20, and the list of prizes for the monthly drawings can be found on the website I've set up....
Thanks in advance for your help.
--Ellie
I'd like to say that I'm surprised that I've heard from none of them. But I'm not. I wish I could say I wasn't hurt. But I am.
What I have learned is that I've realized over the last three years is that no matter how important family, friends are just as important, if not more.
Kind of a rambling post, I know. I'll try to have a more cohesive brain later in the week. Until then, happy new week.
Certainly, things may change. I'm certainly open to getting married someday, I'm just not counting on it anymore. I just hope that I will be enough. I will have to be, I guess.
I had a great weekend in Syracuse, with my niece and her two boys. Garage sale, playing outside, sunburn, hot weather, sprinkler on the gym set to make a "water slide," and lots of hugs and kisses. I can't wait for them to meet their new cousin.
Last Tuesday, I sent an email to the rest of my siblings. The rest of = those I'm not in touch with on a daily or weekly basis, those who I told I was trying to get pregnant and then never heard from again. Rather than giving them the courtesy and showing them the importance of their opinion or support of me by giving them individual phone calls, I sent one email.
As you all know, I tried for nearly three years to get pregnant. It wasn't in the cards, and after much disappointment, I've decided to move on. And knowing that my fertility issues were as serious as they were, I began the paperwork for international adoption as I went through my last year of fertility treatment.
As of May 17, all of my paperwork is in, my FBI clearance came through, and I am officially on a very long waiting list for a baby.
As you may not know, international adoption is extremely expensive. When it's all said and done, my adoption costs will exceed $26,000 (and probably be closer to $30,000).
The good news about the very long waiting list -- they are now estimating 16 to 22 months -- is that it gives me plenty of time to save and raise money. I am applying for adoption-specific grants, and my friends have helped organize a raffle as one fund-raiser, and we have just started selling raffle tickets.
If you are interested in helping sell some as well -- or just want to buy some -- let me know. Tickets are $5 each or 5 for $20, and the list of prizes for the monthly drawings can be found on the website I've set up....
Thanks in advance for your help.
--Ellie
I'd like to say that I'm surprised that I've heard from none of them. But I'm not. I wish I could say I wasn't hurt. But I am.
What I have learned is that I've realized over the last three years is that no matter how important family, friends are just as important, if not more.
Kind of a rambling post, I know. I'll try to have a more cohesive brain later in the week. Until then, happy new week.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
July Raffle
I've officially started selling raffle tickets to go towards my adoption expenses -- at my last estimate, figuring the two trips to Africa, it will cost me in excess of $26,000! My friends have been awesome in helping me -- posting things to Facebook, sending out emails to their address books.
And recently my friend Claudia has started selling the eggs from her free-range chickens at work, with the majority of the money going to the adoption fund.
Our biggest fundraiser is a year-long raffle.
Here are the rules:
And recently my friend Claudia has started selling the eggs from her free-range chickens at work, with the majority of the money going to the adoption fund.
Our biggest fundraiser is a year-long raffle.
Here are the rules:
- Monthly drawings on the last day of each month
- $5 per chance or 5 chances for $20
- Enter as often as you like
- Your chances enter you in all "pools" until you're name is drawn -- in other words, YOU HAVE AS MANY CHANCES TO WIN AS THERE ARE DRAWINGS!
- More chances, more chances to win. Same person can win more than one drawing if they've entered more than once
- Enter online or in person with raffle ticket
- For consistency of drawings, all online entries will get ticket(s) filled out for them
- All items have been donated for this specific cause -- to help offset costs of international adoption
- All proceeds will be paid toward adoption costs
- Winner will be notified by email and listed on website by first name and city
- If not local, items will be mailed priority mail within one week of drawing. Winner will be sent tracking number.
- If you retweet or post to your Facebook, let me know, and I'll give you one free entry
Sunday, June 13, 2010
We've been through this before....
but I'll say it again. More than two years ago, I wrote a little post about things NOT to say to me. Today I'll add to it.
I received a text from my friend Tim in Baltimore. "A buddy of mine says all he needs is a 12-pack and he'll take care of your pregnancy problem."
Really?
To the guy who said it: "You're just an idiot, a typical narcissistic man who thinks you're so virile you can do what tens of thousands of dollars in fertility treatment couldn't."
And to my friend who sent me the text: "I know you think it's funny, I know you thought I'd get a chuckle out of that text. But I didn't. It actually made me cry. Actually reminded me of something I've probably gone a few days without thinking about. That I'm broken, that as a woman I'm inadequate, because I -- my body can't do what it was designed to do, what women for centuries have been doing."
And while I hate to think I'm so ultra-sensitive that you can't make any jokes with me, please remember that fertility jokes are just that....a cruel joke Mother Nature played on some of us.
I received a text from my friend Tim in Baltimore. "A buddy of mine says all he needs is a 12-pack and he'll take care of your pregnancy problem."
Really?
To the guy who said it: "You're just an idiot, a typical narcissistic man who thinks you're so virile you can do what tens of thousands of dollars in fertility treatment couldn't."
And to my friend who sent me the text: "I know you think it's funny, I know you thought I'd get a chuckle out of that text. But I didn't. It actually made me cry. Actually reminded me of something I've probably gone a few days without thinking about. That I'm broken, that as a woman I'm inadequate, because I -- my body can't do what it was designed to do, what women for centuries have been doing."
And while I hate to think I'm so ultra-sensitive that you can't make any jokes with me, please remember that fertility jokes are just that....a cruel joke Mother Nature played on some of us.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Adjusted Wait Times
I received my weekly update from my placement agency this morning. I'm trying to look on the bright side of this, but I'm not really finding anything positive about it:
Twice annually, we examine the trends over time and use our best judgment based on past history and experience in the program to estimate wait times that seem reasonable for the future. We have just finished reviewing families' experience and trending over the past year, and based on that research. As of today, we will be updating our wait times to the following:
* Current wait times for families requesting children 0-24 months: 16-22 months
So no longer a 12- to 18-month wait, which seemed like an impossibly long time to wait. And this is just for the referral, tack on another 6 months before I even bring the baby home.
*Sigh. It's chilly, gray and dreary outside -- and that's the way I feel inside right now.
Twice annually, we examine the trends over time and use our best judgment based on past history and experience in the program to estimate wait times that seem reasonable for the future. We have just finished reviewing families' experience and trending over the past year, and based on that research. As of today, we will be updating our wait times to the following:
* Current wait times for families requesting children 0-24 months: 16-22 months
So no longer a 12- to 18-month wait, which seemed like an impossibly long time to wait. And this is just for the referral, tack on another 6 months before I even bring the baby home.
*Sigh. It's chilly, gray and dreary outside -- and that's the way I feel inside right now.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Oh the pressure
A comment on my post from last week said, "Your blog has been recommended to us as a interviewee's favorite blog!"
Is it legit? It looked like it. I followed the link and answered some questions about my blog.
So, first, to whomever recommended me -- thank you! How flattering.
Second, wow, what pressure, to make sure I live up to your expectations, to not bore you, to keep you coming back, to keep you interested.
It's been a little tough blogging lately -- I have a few blogs. Though this one is my main one. You're not missing anything with the others, really. One, I've pulled all of my fertility posts into (all of my fertility posts from this blog). Just to have them all in one place, for friends and acquaintances who might be going through the same thing.
The second is for my adoption, to keep my friends and family updated on that process. And as a place for people to buy raffle tickets to help with that fund-raising. I can't have my family reading this. It would completely change the tone of what I write.
What I love about "Single Girl's Search," is that I'm anonymous for the most part. I don't feel guarded, I don't have to edit myself. It's just me -- the good, the bad and the ugly.
And then there's the really bad blog -- it's the R-rated (sometimes maybe even X-rated) version of Chris and J and E and every one who has come before and after them.
And so what's been tough is remembering the most important thing about writing -- who is your audience? And so usually I think about what I'm going to write as I'm driving home from work, and then suddenly I have to think -- "for which blog?"
Ultimately my goal is always to write for this one first, to tell you the stories, and then edit them as appropriate for my other audiences.
Is it legit? It looked like it. I followed the link and answered some questions about my blog.
So, first, to whomever recommended me -- thank you! How flattering.
Second, wow, what pressure, to make sure I live up to your expectations, to not bore you, to keep you coming back, to keep you interested.
It's been a little tough blogging lately -- I have a few blogs. Though this one is my main one. You're not missing anything with the others, really. One, I've pulled all of my fertility posts into (all of my fertility posts from this blog). Just to have them all in one place, for friends and acquaintances who might be going through the same thing.
The second is for my adoption, to keep my friends and family updated on that process. And as a place for people to buy raffle tickets to help with that fund-raising. I can't have my family reading this. It would completely change the tone of what I write.
What I love about "Single Girl's Search," is that I'm anonymous for the most part. I don't feel guarded, I don't have to edit myself. It's just me -- the good, the bad and the ugly.
And then there's the really bad blog -- it's the R-rated (sometimes maybe even X-rated) version of Chris and J and E and every one who has come before and after them.
And so what's been tough is remembering the most important thing about writing -- who is your audience? And so usually I think about what I'm going to write as I'm driving home from work, and then suddenly I have to think -- "for which blog?"
Ultimately my goal is always to write for this one first, to tell you the stories, and then edit them as appropriate for my other audiences.
Monday, June 07, 2010
Dangerous Games
I've been a bad, bad girl. Well, not really, but I'm very close to being a bad, bad girl.
I work with Jackson. He is the perfect cross between J and Chris. He's cocky and confident, like Chris. He's wildly inappropriate, knowing the undeniable sexual tension that exists between us, like J. And like both of them, he falls into that "I shouldn't" category.
And yet I want to. We flirt, we talk way beyond the bounds of appropriate...and so far, nothing has happened. And while I want it to, I'm hoping I can be satisfied with the way things are right now.
Like J, like Chris, Jackson is really good for my ego. And like J and Chris, I could totally cross the boundaries of friendship and what's right, and have no emotional attachment whatsoever.
Here's hoping I can stay the course.
I work with Jackson. He is the perfect cross between J and Chris. He's cocky and confident, like Chris. He's wildly inappropriate, knowing the undeniable sexual tension that exists between us, like J. And like both of them, he falls into that "I shouldn't" category.
And yet I want to. We flirt, we talk way beyond the bounds of appropriate...and so far, nothing has happened. And while I want it to, I'm hoping I can be satisfied with the way things are right now.
Like J, like Chris, Jackson is really good for my ego. And like J and Chris, I could totally cross the boundaries of friendship and what's right, and have no emotional attachment whatsoever.
Here's hoping I can stay the course.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Newborn
My friend had a baby the other day. Her husband called me and I was genuinely excited. Not knowing what they were having before, I immediately went out and bought a cute little frilly dress for her.
And later in the afternoon I went up to visit. Because it was what is expected of me, what I expect for myself. I didn't think about how it might make me sad, how maybe I should wait a few days or a week before seeing the baby. I wanted to meet her that day. And was so excited to have her all to myself before visitors ascended the hospital the next day.
And then when I was there, I looked around the room and realized I would never be there for myself. I would never have nurses coming in to check on my, to take the baby's vitals. And I looked down at this perfect little face, only a few hours old at that point, and realized I would never know my baby this little.
And it made me sad. I took a deep breath and tried not to think about me. I thought about my friend, and how happy she was, and how of all the people in the world, she called me to spend the afternoon with her, just hours after giving birth.
And she did it not to make me feel sad, but because she knew how much I would enjoy having baby time that I didn't have to share with anyone else, how much I would enjoy the quiet time with the baby, maybe so I could reflect in my own way, on my own terms.
And for that I thank her, and realize how luck I am to have the friends that I have.
And later in the afternoon I went up to visit. Because it was what is expected of me, what I expect for myself. I didn't think about how it might make me sad, how maybe I should wait a few days or a week before seeing the baby. I wanted to meet her that day. And was so excited to have her all to myself before visitors ascended the hospital the next day.
And then when I was there, I looked around the room and realized I would never be there for myself. I would never have nurses coming in to check on my, to take the baby's vitals. And I looked down at this perfect little face, only a few hours old at that point, and realized I would never know my baby this little.
And it made me sad. I took a deep breath and tried not to think about me. I thought about my friend, and how happy she was, and how of all the people in the world, she called me to spend the afternoon with her, just hours after giving birth.
And she did it not to make me feel sad, but because she knew how much I would enjoy having baby time that I didn't have to share with anyone else, how much I would enjoy the quiet time with the baby, maybe so I could reflect in my own way, on my own terms.
And for that I thank her, and realize how luck I am to have the friends that I have.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wow, I Needed That
I've been so tired lately. For the past two weeks, utterly exhausted. I know it's because I was pushing myself at the gym, but also because it's been so busy at work. Mentally exhausted and physically exhausted.
So for the past two weeks, I have been doing the gym every other night. But I haven't been killing myself. And the scale hasn't been unkind to me about it, either.
Tonight, I felt better. Was actually excited about going to the gym. I hadn't run in almost two weeks, but tonight, I knew it was time to start again, before I lost my momentum.
And I picked up right where I left off. Week 2 of the couch to 5k plan -- 90 seconds of running, two minutes of walking. And I felt great after wards. Even did some hills for 10 minutes and then 10 minutes of the cross-trainer.
It helps knowing that I don't have to be at work again until Tuesday, but the running actually felt easier. I remember the last time I ran, Adam was with me. And he had to run the intervals with me. I could barely run the last few intervals of 60 seconds. I needed him to push me. Not tonight. I was able to push myself.
~~~~~
I heard from J last night. He was at a gala in DC. We texted back and forth for a little while and then he wrote, "May have to bother you later. U gonna be up?"
Sigh. He did just send me two autographed items. "Maybe. the phone will wake me up."
A few hours later, at 1am, he texted. It started off innocent enough but I knew where it was headed. Or better yet, I knew where he wanted it to head. "What are you wearing?"
How to answer. "A Jeter t-shirt"
"Nice."
"I'll leave you with that image ;) I need to go back to sleep"
And that was that. There were some niceties about having a good night, good weekend, etc. But I think I handled him well.
So for the past two weeks, I have been doing the gym every other night. But I haven't been killing myself. And the scale hasn't been unkind to me about it, either.
Tonight, I felt better. Was actually excited about going to the gym. I hadn't run in almost two weeks, but tonight, I knew it was time to start again, before I lost my momentum.
And I picked up right where I left off. Week 2 of the couch to 5k plan -- 90 seconds of running, two minutes of walking. And I felt great after wards. Even did some hills for 10 minutes and then 10 minutes of the cross-trainer.
It helps knowing that I don't have to be at work again until Tuesday, but the running actually felt easier. I remember the last time I ran, Adam was with me. And he had to run the intervals with me. I could barely run the last few intervals of 60 seconds. I needed him to push me. Not tonight. I was able to push myself.
~~~~~
I heard from J last night. He was at a gala in DC. We texted back and forth for a little while and then he wrote, "May have to bother you later. U gonna be up?"
Sigh. He did just send me two autographed items. "Maybe. the phone will wake me up."
A few hours later, at 1am, he texted. It started off innocent enough but I knew where it was headed. Or better yet, I knew where he wanted it to head. "What are you wearing?"
How to answer. "A Jeter t-shirt"
"Nice."
"I'll leave you with that image ;) I need to go back to sleep"
And that was that. There were some niceties about having a good night, good weekend, etc. But I think I handled him well.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I hate asking for help
I'm the person who organizes the fundraisers. Who delivers meals or drives friends to the doctor. Who checks on the cats and picks up mail, and leaves baked good when you arrive home from your trip. I send funny little cards for no reason.
But in the past few years, I've had to ask for help. I've needed people to go to the doctor with me, to stop at the store and bring some ice cream when I needed cheering up. But just because I've had to ask for help, doesn't mean that I like it.
I don't. I haven't. But I need to ask for help again. And I need people to not wait for me to ask for help. Over the course of the next year and a half, I will need people to remind me that 18 months really isn't that long. I will need people to understand that sometimes, still, seeing a baby hurts. That sometimes, I don't want to hear about your child, niece or nephew, grandchild -- all of the above. And sometimes, I will want to hear about every little thing they are doing. And I just need you to follow my cues.
And I need help with the raffle. Selling tickets, keeping me motivated, even when I feel like giving up. Even when I'm feeling humbled beyond words at needing to ask for help.
It won't be every day. It won't be every week. But it'll be. It'll happen. And that's when I'll need you.
But in the past few years, I've had to ask for help. I've needed people to go to the doctor with me, to stop at the store and bring some ice cream when I needed cheering up. But just because I've had to ask for help, doesn't mean that I like it.
I don't. I haven't. But I need to ask for help again. And I need people to not wait for me to ask for help. Over the course of the next year and a half, I will need people to remind me that 18 months really isn't that long. I will need people to understand that sometimes, still, seeing a baby hurts. That sometimes, I don't want to hear about your child, niece or nephew, grandchild -- all of the above. And sometimes, I will want to hear about every little thing they are doing. And I just need you to follow my cues.
And I need help with the raffle. Selling tickets, keeping me motivated, even when I feel like giving up. Even when I'm feeling humbled beyond words at needing to ask for help.
It won't be every day. It won't be every week. But it'll be. It'll happen. And that's when I'll need you.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
72 Weeks
Or maybe 76.
That's my estimated wait time. Officially, it's a 12- to 18-month estimate. But the latest reports are that families getting a baby 0-12 months are now waiting 19 months; a baby 12-24, the wait is 18 months. My immigration approval is approved for a baby 0-24 months.
But the good news is....I'm officially on the list. All paperwork is in. Here we go, the longest year and a half of my life.
That's my estimated wait time. Officially, it's a 12- to 18-month estimate. But the latest reports are that families getting a baby 0-12 months are now waiting 19 months; a baby 12-24, the wait is 18 months. My immigration approval is approved for a baby 0-24 months.
But the good news is....I'm officially on the list. All paperwork is in. Here we go, the longest year and a half of my life.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Three Weeks and One Day
That's all it took for my "up to 90 days" approval.
Yesterday, I received my notice from the Department of Homeland Security: "Notice of Favorable Determination Concerning Application For Advice Processing of Orphan Petition."
And so, as long as everything in my dossier looks good, I am ready to go on the waiting list. And I'm only 12 to 18 months from learning who my baby will be!
And I have to apologize in advance for adding advertisements to the blog, but every little penny will help -- and I've heard from other friends who have turned ads on through blogger that it really isn't a lot that they get. But returning soda cans for the deposit is only a few bucks every month, and over the next year or so, it will add up.
I figured out my budget this morning, and *think* I will be able to save about $10,000 towards what I have left to pay for the adoption. If that's the case, between grants and the raffle (and ads and bottle deposits and this summer's garage sale and saving pennies in the bottom of my purse), I need to come up with about $8,000.
If I can do that, no loans, no debt when I bring my baby home. So forgive me for the ads at the bottom of the post -- and if you feel inclined, click on it and support my "sponsors." ;)
Yesterday, I received my notice from the Department of Homeland Security: "Notice of Favorable Determination Concerning Application For Advice Processing of Orphan Petition."
And so, as long as everything in my dossier looks good, I am ready to go on the waiting list. And I'm only 12 to 18 months from learning who my baby will be!
And I have to apologize in advance for adding advertisements to the blog, but every little penny will help -- and I've heard from other friends who have turned ads on through blogger that it really isn't a lot that they get. But returning soda cans for the deposit is only a few bucks every month, and over the next year or so, it will add up.
I figured out my budget this morning, and *think* I will be able to save about $10,000 towards what I have left to pay for the adoption. If that's the case, between grants and the raffle (and ads and bottle deposits and this summer's garage sale and saving pennies in the bottom of my purse), I need to come up with about $8,000.
If I can do that, no loans, no debt when I bring my baby home. So forgive me for the ads at the bottom of the post -- and if you feel inclined, click on it and support my "sponsors." ;)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Babies, babies and more babies
A friend in Rochester is due with her third boy this month.
A friend from work had a baby girl on my birthday last month.
Another friend from work goes on maternity leave tomorrow.
And two friends (one from high school, another from Baltimore) both announced on FB today the sex of their babies due this fall -- a boy for one, a girl for the other.
And that is my life. And I almost started to feel sorry for myself, and then got an email from a friend who is also adopting from Ethiopia, and just awaiting her travel dates. She was writing to see where things are with me.
I told her my dossier was mailed into the placement agency (yeah!) and I am three weeks into my "up to 90 days" wait for USCIS approval. Once I get that, it's an estimated 12 to 18 months until referral.
Her response was perfect, and just what I needed: "You are almost done with your job....and that's a good feeling."
And she's right. I am almost done with my job. Then it's waiting, and preparing, and taking care of me, so that when the baby arrives, I can do nothing but take care of him (or her).
And so, this weekend I will continue to work on the marketing plan for the fund-raising raffle, create a website and graphic element for the website and my "adoption fund," and work on the adoption grant applications.
It will also be about sleeping in, lounging around, going to the gym, going grocery shopping, and just taking it easy. Taking care of me.
Because Jo is right, I am almost done with my job, and it is a good feeling.
PS....about to finish "week 1" of couch to 5K tomorrow. I increased my running speed a little and my form felt better, so last day of 60 seconds running, 90 seconds walking tomorrow.
A friend from work had a baby girl on my birthday last month.
Another friend from work goes on maternity leave tomorrow.
And two friends (one from high school, another from Baltimore) both announced on FB today the sex of their babies due this fall -- a boy for one, a girl for the other.
And that is my life. And I almost started to feel sorry for myself, and then got an email from a friend who is also adopting from Ethiopia, and just awaiting her travel dates. She was writing to see where things are with me.
I told her my dossier was mailed into the placement agency (yeah!) and I am three weeks into my "up to 90 days" wait for USCIS approval. Once I get that, it's an estimated 12 to 18 months until referral.
Her response was perfect, and just what I needed: "You are almost done with your job....and that's a good feeling."
And she's right. I am almost done with my job. Then it's waiting, and preparing, and taking care of me, so that when the baby arrives, I can do nothing but take care of him (or her).
And so, this weekend I will continue to work on the marketing plan for the fund-raising raffle, create a website and graphic element for the website and my "adoption fund," and work on the adoption grant applications.
It will also be about sleeping in, lounging around, going to the gym, going grocery shopping, and just taking it easy. Taking care of me.
Because Jo is right, I am almost done with my job, and it is a good feeling.
PS....about to finish "week 1" of couch to 5K tomorrow. I increased my running speed a little and my form felt better, so last day of 60 seconds running, 90 seconds walking tomorrow.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Thank you
I was exhausted at the end of the day. I had three meetings, including two interviews for two open positions. I had to deal with the office bitch in two of them. Had to watch her roll her eyes in the back of her head, fluttering her eyes, while she spoke. Had to deal with her being hostile and even more bitchy than usual in the last meeting because it was interviewing a candidate for a position that she applied for. Okay, that wasn't hard to watch, but still. You get my point, it was a long day.
I headed up to the gym right from my last meeting, and as soon as I got on the treadmill, my legs felt heavy. And tired. And I thought, I could just walk today. Maybe do hills. But no, I have a readership to answer to. Especially after what I wrote last night.
And so, I did 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes. Day 3 of week 1. I will continue week 1 all this week. Like I said, it might be longer than the 9 weeks of the training program.
But knowing I had people to answer to, not just myself, I didn't give in. I didn't throw in the towel. So thank you, you know who you are, those of you who check in every few days or once a week, to read about my life.
I headed up to the gym right from my last meeting, and as soon as I got on the treadmill, my legs felt heavy. And tired. And I thought, I could just walk today. Maybe do hills. But no, I have a readership to answer to. Especially after what I wrote last night.
And so, I did 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes. Day 3 of week 1. I will continue week 1 all this week. Like I said, it might be longer than the 9 weeks of the training program.
But knowing I had people to answer to, not just myself, I didn't give in. I didn't throw in the towel. So thank you, you know who you are, those of you who check in every few days or once a week, to read about my life.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Weekend Update
I remembered my actual "couch to 5K" training instructions for Friday and stuck to them -- 60 seconds of running, 90 seconds of walking, for 20 minutes. I was dying by the end of the 20 minutes, but I finished. It may be that "week 1" stretches into two weeks. I'm fully prepared to take longer than the suggested 9 weeks of the program.
That night, I had a dream where I was running. Not for my life, not away from anything, but actually running for fun, running for recreation, running in some organized event. I ran past people I knew, neighborhoods I've lived in that aren't in the same zip code. Jogged in place as I stopped to briefly chat with old friends.
It wasn't hard. I felt good. And so I know that I can get to that place. I may never run a marathon, but soon I'll be able to run more than 60 seconds at a time. If I can go through what I've gone through the past three years, I can run for several minutes (and someday, several miles) at a time.
Yesterday I went to the gym that I've joined for the summer. Also felt really good. Still at the point where 60 minutes is enough. And that, is a good thing.
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around a visit I had last week with a friend. Parts of it were great, other parts disturbing. And while I have to remind myself that we are of two different generations, of two different political parties, I still need to think about how to handle future conversations with her. When we parted ways, she did ease my mind a little, by telling me that no matter where I adopt from, she will support me.
Today is Mother's Day, and I wasn't as sad as I usually am. In fact, I don't think I was sad at all. I had my volunteer shift at the Catholic Shop at church this morning, and then my parents came down for lunch. I wished a fellow parishioner a happy mother's day, and she asked if I had any children. And I smiled when I answered her. "Not yet, but I'm in the process of adopting."
And I borrowed Heather's FB status for my own: "Happy Mother's Day to all my mommy friends -- those with their babies in their arms, babies in their bellies on the way, and babies waiting across the world to meet them!"
Bubbles responded with: "Your Mommy's Day will come very soon my dearest friend! In the meantime you are such a "mom" to so many of us..." And my oldest niece with an immediate "Amen."
I have a busy week at work -- tomorrow the easiest of them, with only four hours of meetings. I just need to get through the next two weeks at work, and then (I think), I'll be okay.
That night, I had a dream where I was running. Not for my life, not away from anything, but actually running for fun, running for recreation, running in some organized event. I ran past people I knew, neighborhoods I've lived in that aren't in the same zip code. Jogged in place as I stopped to briefly chat with old friends.
It wasn't hard. I felt good. And so I know that I can get to that place. I may never run a marathon, but soon I'll be able to run more than 60 seconds at a time. If I can go through what I've gone through the past three years, I can run for several minutes (and someday, several miles) at a time.
Yesterday I went to the gym that I've joined for the summer. Also felt really good. Still at the point where 60 minutes is enough. And that, is a good thing.
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around a visit I had last week with a friend. Parts of it were great, other parts disturbing. And while I have to remind myself that we are of two different generations, of two different political parties, I still need to think about how to handle future conversations with her. When we parted ways, she did ease my mind a little, by telling me that no matter where I adopt from, she will support me.
Today is Mother's Day, and I wasn't as sad as I usually am. In fact, I don't think I was sad at all. I had my volunteer shift at the Catholic Shop at church this morning, and then my parents came down for lunch. I wished a fellow parishioner a happy mother's day, and she asked if I had any children. And I smiled when I answered her. "Not yet, but I'm in the process of adopting."
And I borrowed Heather's FB status for my own: "Happy Mother's Day to all my mommy friends -- those with their babies in their arms, babies in their bellies on the way, and babies waiting across the world to meet them!"
Bubbles responded with: "Your Mommy's Day will come very soon my dearest friend! In the meantime you are such a "mom" to so many of us..." And my oldest niece with an immediate "Amen."
I have a busy week at work -- tomorrow the easiest of them, with only four hours of meetings. I just need to get through the next two weeks at work, and then (I think), I'll be okay.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Deadlines
I work best when I know I have to have something done by a certain date. At work, if there's an open-ended project, it gets pushed aside. In life, it works the same way.
Four years ago, I received a save-the-date for a wedding for six months later. I saw the finish line and lost 50 pounds.
And so, my friend April proposed training for a 5K in the fall. I've actually had the "couch to 5K" training schedule on my fridge for a few weeks. I've done nothing with them, because, there was nothing to shoot for. But now, now there's a goal. There's a finish line.
So tomorrow.....alternating 90 seconds of running and walking.
Four years ago, I received a save-the-date for a wedding for six months later. I saw the finish line and lost 50 pounds.
And so, my friend April proposed training for a 5K in the fall. I've actually had the "couch to 5K" training schedule on my fridge for a few weeks. I've done nothing with them, because, there was nothing to shoot for. But now, now there's a goal. There's a finish line.
So tomorrow.....alternating 90 seconds of running and walking.
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