And try as I might to not feel that way, sometimes it gets the better of me. I'm hoping that putting it out there, writing down, that hopefully I can then let it go.
So here goes:
I am resentful of pregnant women, especially if they are significantly younger than me. And most especially if they are so young that their pregnancies are unplanned.
I am resentful of a friend from work who sees and hears all the people selling raffle tickets, selling eggs, being supportive -- and who has yet to help in any way. She mentioned to me over a year ago, while I was still pursuing the fertility route but was more realistic about needing to go this way, that unless my adoption fund was associated with an actual 501c3 that she wouldn't be able to sell tickets for me. How could she ask her friends who didn't know me to spend money? How would they know it was legitimate?
Really? They know it's legit because you're asking. Or maybe your friends aren't as trusting of you as mine are of me. Because if the shoe was on the other foot, and I was selling for you, the mere fact that I was asking would be enough for my friends. If they could afford it, they would do it.
I am resentful that my colleague gets 12 weeks of maternity leave, just one year after coming back from another 12 weeks of maternity leave. That she has two perfect little babies -- and I started my whole process well before her.
And I am resentful (and really this one is for Bubbles, though I definitely feel this way) of bitches who treat their men like shit, who are awful awful people and I'm single!
It's day 12 of my new shortened 25-day cycle. I'm ovulating on my own. I'm in pain. I'm bloated, I'm uncomfortable. I've been awake since 4am. And on top of all of that, I fucked up my knee doing lunges at the gym. So much for working out.
All that is to say, I'm cranky. The resentment will be gone tomorrow. I actually already feel better by writing it down, admitting it publicly and moving on.
Tomorrow is another day.
Showing posts with label other people's pregnancies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label other people's pregnancies. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Newborn
My friend had a baby the other day. Her husband called me and I was genuinely excited. Not knowing what they were having before, I immediately went out and bought a cute little frilly dress for her.
And later in the afternoon I went up to visit. Because it was what is expected of me, what I expect for myself. I didn't think about how it might make me sad, how maybe I should wait a few days or a week before seeing the baby. I wanted to meet her that day. And was so excited to have her all to myself before visitors ascended the hospital the next day.
And then when I was there, I looked around the room and realized I would never be there for myself. I would never have nurses coming in to check on my, to take the baby's vitals. And I looked down at this perfect little face, only a few hours old at that point, and realized I would never know my baby this little.
And it made me sad. I took a deep breath and tried not to think about me. I thought about my friend, and how happy she was, and how of all the people in the world, she called me to spend the afternoon with her, just hours after giving birth.
And she did it not to make me feel sad, but because she knew how much I would enjoy having baby time that I didn't have to share with anyone else, how much I would enjoy the quiet time with the baby, maybe so I could reflect in my own way, on my own terms.
And for that I thank her, and realize how luck I am to have the friends that I have.
And later in the afternoon I went up to visit. Because it was what is expected of me, what I expect for myself. I didn't think about how it might make me sad, how maybe I should wait a few days or a week before seeing the baby. I wanted to meet her that day. And was so excited to have her all to myself before visitors ascended the hospital the next day.
And then when I was there, I looked around the room and realized I would never be there for myself. I would never have nurses coming in to check on my, to take the baby's vitals. And I looked down at this perfect little face, only a few hours old at that point, and realized I would never know my baby this little.
And it made me sad. I took a deep breath and tried not to think about me. I thought about my friend, and how happy she was, and how of all the people in the world, she called me to spend the afternoon with her, just hours after giving birth.
And she did it not to make me feel sad, but because she knew how much I would enjoy having baby time that I didn't have to share with anyone else, how much I would enjoy the quiet time with the baby, maybe so I could reflect in my own way, on my own terms.
And for that I thank her, and realize how luck I am to have the friends that I have.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Babies, babies and more babies
A friend in Rochester is due with her third boy this month.
A friend from work had a baby girl on my birthday last month.
Another friend from work goes on maternity leave tomorrow.
And two friends (one from high school, another from Baltimore) both announced on FB today the sex of their babies due this fall -- a boy for one, a girl for the other.
And that is my life. And I almost started to feel sorry for myself, and then got an email from a friend who is also adopting from Ethiopia, and just awaiting her travel dates. She was writing to see where things are with me.
I told her my dossier was mailed into the placement agency (yeah!) and I am three weeks into my "up to 90 days" wait for USCIS approval. Once I get that, it's an estimated 12 to 18 months until referral.
Her response was perfect, and just what I needed: "You are almost done with your job....and that's a good feeling."
And she's right. I am almost done with my job. Then it's waiting, and preparing, and taking care of me, so that when the baby arrives, I can do nothing but take care of him (or her).
And so, this weekend I will continue to work on the marketing plan for the fund-raising raffle, create a website and graphic element for the website and my "adoption fund," and work on the adoption grant applications.
It will also be about sleeping in, lounging around, going to the gym, going grocery shopping, and just taking it easy. Taking care of me.
Because Jo is right, I am almost done with my job, and it is a good feeling.
PS....about to finish "week 1" of couch to 5K tomorrow. I increased my running speed a little and my form felt better, so last day of 60 seconds running, 90 seconds walking tomorrow.
A friend from work had a baby girl on my birthday last month.
Another friend from work goes on maternity leave tomorrow.
And two friends (one from high school, another from Baltimore) both announced on FB today the sex of their babies due this fall -- a boy for one, a girl for the other.
And that is my life. And I almost started to feel sorry for myself, and then got an email from a friend who is also adopting from Ethiopia, and just awaiting her travel dates. She was writing to see where things are with me.
I told her my dossier was mailed into the placement agency (yeah!) and I am three weeks into my "up to 90 days" wait for USCIS approval. Once I get that, it's an estimated 12 to 18 months until referral.
Her response was perfect, and just what I needed: "You are almost done with your job....and that's a good feeling."
And she's right. I am almost done with my job. Then it's waiting, and preparing, and taking care of me, so that when the baby arrives, I can do nothing but take care of him (or her).
And so, this weekend I will continue to work on the marketing plan for the fund-raising raffle, create a website and graphic element for the website and my "adoption fund," and work on the adoption grant applications.
It will also be about sleeping in, lounging around, going to the gym, going grocery shopping, and just taking it easy. Taking care of me.
Because Jo is right, I am almost done with my job, and it is a good feeling.
PS....about to finish "week 1" of couch to 5K tomorrow. I increased my running speed a little and my form felt better, so last day of 60 seconds running, 90 seconds walking tomorrow.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Christmas '09 In Review
The good...
* Christmas Eve was great. I drove up in the afternoon and met my Virginia family at my sister-in-law's parent's house and went to mass with them. After that, we went to my niece's house for the evening. My niece and her family, my sister and brother-in-law, and my brother, sister-in-law and niece sat around and munched and drank and laughed. The boys opened presents and got sufficiently wound up from wrestling with my brother.
* I spent all of Christmas weekend in Syracuse -- did day after Christmas shopping with the family and played with lots of Moon Sand with the boys. Sunday, most of the family came back out to my niece's for brunch before everyone scattered again to their own lives, including the Virginians who would be heading south the next morning.
* As much as I enjoy being in Syracuse and hanging out with my niece and the boys, and there is nothing like an uninitiated hug from a two-year-old (you know you're loved when you get a hug for no reason, without asking for it), it was good to be back home, to sleep in my own bed, to turn my heat on as high as I wanted it.
* And about 11:30 on Christmas morning, my phone beeped. A text from E: "Merry Christmas gorgeous. hope you have a great day."
The bad....
* a rare snow storm in the mid-Atlantic region halted my holiday plans for Baltimore the weekend before Christmas. I was going to see Bubbles, Wanda and her family, Tim and the girls, Jan, and visit the Museum. I was also looking forward to testing myself by being in the city and NOT reaching out to J in any way.
* I handled Christmas day the best I could. And by that, I didn't really acknowledge my new niece, born over the summer. There were 14 other people to dote on her (and they all converged on her two feet behind me as I was doing dished when she first arrived). If she were older and would have noticed the slight, I wouldn't have done it. But she's six months old. There was a little tension with her mother, another one of my niece's (we all the know the story) -- or maybe I imagined it. Maybe the hurt feelings over her wedding, over the way she told me she was pregnant, made me think there was tension. In any event, I didn't really talk to her (thankfully with such a large family, it wasn't possible to have a lengthy conversation with everyone).
* At one point, I felt the tears coming on. I was grating cheese and fought the tears back. I wanted to let loose, I wanted to start bawling, but was surrounded by my family. A family who doesn't really understand the pain I sometimes feel around a baby. I tried to explain it to one of my sisters and she said, "but you're around babies all the time." Not really, and not really the point, but my response was "yes, but those are babies whose mother's are nice and supportive of what I'm going through and understand that their happiness might cause me pain." I was met with a blank stare, so I changed the subject.
* The family pictures! Ugh....almost as much as seeing my niece's baby, I was dreading this moment when my sisters would make a production of doing "family unit" pictures. Not just a picture of everyone who was there, or even random photos throughout the day, but posed pictures of each little family unit. Brother, sister-in-law, two kids. Niece, her husband, two kids. Sister, brother-in-law, niece, her husband, two kids. Etc. Ever since it was suggested that we frame these sorts of pictures for my parents' 50th anniversary a few years back, and I contribute a picture of me with my cat (seriously!), I've avoided these little set-ups. I stayed in the kitchen, and thankfully no one called me into the living room to pose in front of the tree, either alone or with my parents.
The weird...
* Thankfully there wasn't really any ugly. My sister got me a strange present, and while she thought it was funny, it's not exactly the way I would have handled it. As she explained it, she ordered two day planners from the Smithsonian gift shop and was able to get one monogrammed for free, so she got hers done with her initials. When they arrived, she started filling hers out, and only then realized that she had started writing in the non-monogrammed one. Rather than give me the one she had started to write in, or get me something else and write this one off as a loss, she gave me the one with her initials. So instead of having LAW (my true initials) on a day planner, I have for the next year (should I decide to use it) KLY. I know, it's the thought that counts. But I find it weird. And again, given lingering tensions over her daughter's wedding and the way that was handled, I think I'm finding more wrong with it than if it had come from my oldest niece or even my sister-in-law in Virginia. Because I'm closer with them, because I would have found it funny, and because I know that that's not how they would have handled it.
And so all in all, the Christmas I was dreading, the Christmas I wasn't really looking forward to....I survived. It's over. The family drama, the tension, the feelings of inadequacy (because of singledom and childlessness)....it's all over. And so if I'm still childless next year, here's hoping Richmond is an option. Otherwise, I think Bubbles and I should be finding ourselves on a beach somewhere, drinking margaritas and ignoring both of our families.
* Christmas Eve was great. I drove up in the afternoon and met my Virginia family at my sister-in-law's parent's house and went to mass with them. After that, we went to my niece's house for the evening. My niece and her family, my sister and brother-in-law, and my brother, sister-in-law and niece sat around and munched and drank and laughed. The boys opened presents and got sufficiently wound up from wrestling with my brother.
* I spent all of Christmas weekend in Syracuse -- did day after Christmas shopping with the family and played with lots of Moon Sand with the boys. Sunday, most of the family came back out to my niece's for brunch before everyone scattered again to their own lives, including the Virginians who would be heading south the next morning.
* As much as I enjoy being in Syracuse and hanging out with my niece and the boys, and there is nothing like an uninitiated hug from a two-year-old (you know you're loved when you get a hug for no reason, without asking for it), it was good to be back home, to sleep in my own bed, to turn my heat on as high as I wanted it.
* And about 11:30 on Christmas morning, my phone beeped. A text from E: "Merry Christmas gorgeous. hope you have a great day."
The bad....
* a rare snow storm in the mid-Atlantic region halted my holiday plans for Baltimore the weekend before Christmas. I was going to see Bubbles, Wanda and her family, Tim and the girls, Jan, and visit the Museum. I was also looking forward to testing myself by being in the city and NOT reaching out to J in any way.
* I handled Christmas day the best I could. And by that, I didn't really acknowledge my new niece, born over the summer. There were 14 other people to dote on her (and they all converged on her two feet behind me as I was doing dished when she first arrived). If she were older and would have noticed the slight, I wouldn't have done it. But she's six months old. There was a little tension with her mother, another one of my niece's (we all the know the story) -- or maybe I imagined it. Maybe the hurt feelings over her wedding, over the way she told me she was pregnant, made me think there was tension. In any event, I didn't really talk to her (thankfully with such a large family, it wasn't possible to have a lengthy conversation with everyone).
* At one point, I felt the tears coming on. I was grating cheese and fought the tears back. I wanted to let loose, I wanted to start bawling, but was surrounded by my family. A family who doesn't really understand the pain I sometimes feel around a baby. I tried to explain it to one of my sisters and she said, "but you're around babies all the time." Not really, and not really the point, but my response was "yes, but those are babies whose mother's are nice and supportive of what I'm going through and understand that their happiness might cause me pain." I was met with a blank stare, so I changed the subject.
* The family pictures! Ugh....almost as much as seeing my niece's baby, I was dreading this moment when my sisters would make a production of doing "family unit" pictures. Not just a picture of everyone who was there, or even random photos throughout the day, but posed pictures of each little family unit. Brother, sister-in-law, two kids. Niece, her husband, two kids. Sister, brother-in-law, niece, her husband, two kids. Etc. Ever since it was suggested that we frame these sorts of pictures for my parents' 50th anniversary a few years back, and I contribute a picture of me with my cat (seriously!), I've avoided these little set-ups. I stayed in the kitchen, and thankfully no one called me into the living room to pose in front of the tree, either alone or with my parents.
The weird...
* Thankfully there wasn't really any ugly. My sister got me a strange present, and while she thought it was funny, it's not exactly the way I would have handled it. As she explained it, she ordered two day planners from the Smithsonian gift shop and was able to get one monogrammed for free, so she got hers done with her initials. When they arrived, she started filling hers out, and only then realized that she had started writing in the non-monogrammed one. Rather than give me the one she had started to write in, or get me something else and write this one off as a loss, she gave me the one with her initials. So instead of having LAW (my true initials) on a day planner, I have for the next year (should I decide to use it) KLY. I know, it's the thought that counts. But I find it weird. And again, given lingering tensions over her daughter's wedding and the way that was handled, I think I'm finding more wrong with it than if it had come from my oldest niece or even my sister-in-law in Virginia. Because I'm closer with them, because I would have found it funny, and because I know that that's not how they would have handled it.
And so all in all, the Christmas I was dreading, the Christmas I wasn't really looking forward to....I survived. It's over. The family drama, the tension, the feelings of inadequacy (because of singledom and childlessness)....it's all over. And so if I'm still childless next year, here's hoping Richmond is an option. Otherwise, I think Bubbles and I should be finding ourselves on a beach somewhere, drinking margaritas and ignoring both of our families.
Monday, November 23, 2009
A shitty afternoon
Not because I heard from one of my closest friends that she's pregnant, but because I am feeling sorry for myself over it. It was an unplanned pregnancy -- she has an 11-month-old -- and she said all the right things when she told me.
And I'm happy for her. I really am. And I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people, but really, am I that horrible of a person that I can't have this. And I'm not saying that she shouldn't have this, doesn't deserve this. Good for her. She has a beautiful little girl, and another baby on the way.
But really? She gets to be married and have two kids, and I've got nothing. That's the way I feel. And again I say, I'm really really happy for her. But I don't know how many more of these I can go through graciously. I really don't.
There doesn't seem to be any break between people having babies or being pregnant. Everyone else except me.
I'll feel sorry for myself tonight. Maybe tomorrow. And then I'll suck it up and smile and be happy and say all the right things and shop for baby presents for other people and want to hear about the pregnancy and the doctor's appointments and the baby name options. Again and again and again.
And I'm happy for her. I really am. And I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people, but really, am I that horrible of a person that I can't have this. And I'm not saying that she shouldn't have this, doesn't deserve this. Good for her. She has a beautiful little girl, and another baby on the way.
But really? She gets to be married and have two kids, and I've got nothing. That's the way I feel. And again I say, I'm really really happy for her. But I don't know how many more of these I can go through graciously. I really don't.
There doesn't seem to be any break between people having babies or being pregnant. Everyone else except me.
I'll feel sorry for myself tonight. Maybe tomorrow. And then I'll suck it up and smile and be happy and say all the right things and shop for baby presents for other people and want to hear about the pregnancy and the doctor's appointments and the baby name options. Again and again and again.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Cranky Monday
And I'm not sure why. I feel like crying. Or going back to sleep. When really what I want is to feel like working out.
I had a good weekend. I went to Syracuse and spent the night at my niece's. Yesterday was Andrew's 2nd birthday party.
I had been anxious about it earlier in the week, that my oldest sister would be there and I would have to hear about her daughter, who is due to give birth in the next two weeks. I think I've forgiven her insensitivity in how she told me she was pregnant, but I can't forget. And to hear people go on and on about it -- I wasn't in the mood. I found out Saturday night that she wouldn't be coming. She had to work all day on Saturday.
Maybe it was, not just being around little kids, but actually celebrating the anniversary of his birth. It could be that or it could be something totally unrelated. Like I'm just tired. Or my hormones are out of whack -- though I have been living with that for the past two years.
I feel like I did last summer when I thought an egg donor was my only option. My mind is swimming with all sorts of things and what if's. What if there is a better chance to get pregnant with an egg donor than with my own egg. Should I have just gone with an egg donor last summer, instead of wasting the time and money on trying to get pregnant on my own? Or should I have just given up and saved since last year and gone ahead with adoption? Should I try with an egg donor after my final IVF?
I don't know how productive of a day it will be at work today. I should have called in sick.
I had a good weekend. I went to Syracuse and spent the night at my niece's. Yesterday was Andrew's 2nd birthday party.
I had been anxious about it earlier in the week, that my oldest sister would be there and I would have to hear about her daughter, who is due to give birth in the next two weeks. I think I've forgiven her insensitivity in how she told me she was pregnant, but I can't forget. And to hear people go on and on about it -- I wasn't in the mood. I found out Saturday night that she wouldn't be coming. She had to work all day on Saturday.
Maybe it was, not just being around little kids, but actually celebrating the anniversary of his birth. It could be that or it could be something totally unrelated. Like I'm just tired. Or my hormones are out of whack -- though I have been living with that for the past two years.
I feel like I did last summer when I thought an egg donor was my only option. My mind is swimming with all sorts of things and what if's. What if there is a better chance to get pregnant with an egg donor than with my own egg. Should I have just gone with an egg donor last summer, instead of wasting the time and money on trying to get pregnant on my own? Or should I have just given up and saved since last year and gone ahead with adoption? Should I try with an egg donor after my final IVF?
I don't know how productive of a day it will be at work today. I should have called in sick.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Eleven Down....One to Go
My test was negative today. I was indifferent to the results. It has become the norm to hear the bad news, at this point. I can only cry so many times.
The girls and I went on a field trip after getting the news. Wal-Mart to get me a diet Pepsi; Kohls for a shopping excursion; and McDonald's for grease.
And then I got back to the office and ran into a co-worker who is only in the office on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She had been looking for me the other day, wanted to tell me something before I heard it from someone else, was just going to say it.
"You're pregnant." It wasn't a question, because just like hearing the negative test result, hearing that other people are pregnant has become the norm. "I'm happy for you."
"I know you are."
"I'm probably going to cry, but I'm happy for you." And then I walked into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and sobbed.
After that one of my friends said, "maybe you just adopt. Isn't that what they say? You adopt, and then when you least expect it...."
But that's not going to happen to me. Unless Mr. Right suddenly shows up. It happens to those people because they have a husband, they're having sex. The only sex I'm having these days is protected, for the most part.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm ready to give up. But I won't. I have one try left and I have to do it. I've already called in my prescription refills for the next round of ovarian stimulants, even before I get my period.
And so I'll do what I've done the last 10 times I've heard, "the test was negative, if you want to try again, call us on the first day of your cycle." I'll feel sorry for myself for the weekend, and then get right back on the horse.
This, however, will be the last horse I'm riding. Win or lose. After the next round, I'm done.
The girls and I went on a field trip after getting the news. Wal-Mart to get me a diet Pepsi; Kohls for a shopping excursion; and McDonald's for grease.
And then I got back to the office and ran into a co-worker who is only in the office on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She had been looking for me the other day, wanted to tell me something before I heard it from someone else, was just going to say it.
"You're pregnant." It wasn't a question, because just like hearing the negative test result, hearing that other people are pregnant has become the norm. "I'm happy for you."
"I know you are."
"I'm probably going to cry, but I'm happy for you." And then I walked into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and sobbed.
After that one of my friends said, "maybe you just adopt. Isn't that what they say? You adopt, and then when you least expect it...."
But that's not going to happen to me. Unless Mr. Right suddenly shows up. It happens to those people because they have a husband, they're having sex. The only sex I'm having these days is protected, for the most part.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm ready to give up. But I won't. I have one try left and I have to do it. I've already called in my prescription refills for the next round of ovarian stimulants, even before I get my period.
And so I'll do what I've done the last 10 times I've heard, "the test was negative, if you want to try again, call us on the first day of your cycle." I'll feel sorry for myself for the weekend, and then get right back on the horse.
This, however, will be the last horse I'm riding. Win or lose. After the next round, I'm done.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Retrieval and a UTI
Lucky me! I drove up to Syracuse this morning for my U/S at the FG's office. They immediately saw things differently than my local doctor's office. I guess the follicles are clustered and on top of each other, so I have more mature than two and they think I will be ready for retrieval on Wednesday. I will continue shooting up tonight and tomorrow, and then back to Syracuse for another U/S on Monday morning.
I also noticed Wednesday night (when I got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night) an unusual irritation. I hadn't had a yeast infection since college, but I was remembering this was what it was like. It wasn't constant, really just when I went to the bathroom. I mentioned it to the doctor's office yesterday and they said yes that could very well be the case because of all the extra hormones, that if I could stick it out one more night they would test me this morning.
They did a urine test, and there were in fact leukocytes in the urine, indicating not a yeast infection, but the start of an urinary tract infection. So I'm on antibiotics for 10 days. And I'm drinking lots of cranberry juice.
When I was driving up to Syracuse I was thinking all sort of horrible things that it could be, even though logically it really felt like a simple infection. I hadn't had any blood tests for STD's in almost a year, and in that time I had been with three different men, though Chris being one of them, I felt okay about him. Lucia may think I'm foolish to think so, but I really believe I'm the only one he has on the side. My Yankee and E, on the other hand...
Thankfully, it's a simple UTI and I'm on antibiotics.
~~~~~~~
My friend at work returns from 17 weeks of maternity leave on Monday. She sent me a long email on Friday, an excerpt of which is:
I am just miserable and physically sick from the thought of leaving her to sit at work. I don't want to come back at all. People keep making jokes about don't I miss the work and how much work I have waiting and that freaking catalog. I could honestly give two shits about any of that as I am sure you can imagine, so I don't really find it funny. :( Not that you should be telling your boss this, haha, but I know I can talk to you. I have no desire to come to work, do any work and I really don't care about the work -- it all seems so meaningless now. I don't know if I can do it day in ad day out if I continue to feel like this. I used to enjoy working work and even sometimes found work rewarding -- now it all seems like a waste of time when I could be spending my time with her.
It was really the last thing I wanted to read yesterday, and even now, just re-reading it. I just want to say to her, "I need this week to be about me. Can you do that for me? I've been covering your work since December 10. We can deal with you missing your baby next week."
I'm not sure how to answer her, and I'm guessing that it will be better to talk to her in person about it. I understand and won't begrudge her if she wants to quit and stay home with the baby, but it will freaking piss me off, because the way things work in higher education, it will take forever to find a replacement for her, to train someone. I was without someone before we hired her for nine months. I don't know if I can do that again. And hopefully I'll be going out on maternity leave at the end of the year, beginning of next. The whole thing just makes me crazy to think about.
I also noticed Wednesday night (when I got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night) an unusual irritation. I hadn't had a yeast infection since college, but I was remembering this was what it was like. It wasn't constant, really just when I went to the bathroom. I mentioned it to the doctor's office yesterday and they said yes that could very well be the case because of all the extra hormones, that if I could stick it out one more night they would test me this morning.
They did a urine test, and there were in fact leukocytes in the urine, indicating not a yeast infection, but the start of an urinary tract infection. So I'm on antibiotics for 10 days. And I'm drinking lots of cranberry juice.
When I was driving up to Syracuse I was thinking all sort of horrible things that it could be, even though logically it really felt like a simple infection. I hadn't had any blood tests for STD's in almost a year, and in that time I had been with three different men, though Chris being one of them, I felt okay about him. Lucia may think I'm foolish to think so, but I really believe I'm the only one he has on the side. My Yankee and E, on the other hand...
Thankfully, it's a simple UTI and I'm on antibiotics.
~~~~~~~
My friend at work returns from 17 weeks of maternity leave on Monday. She sent me a long email on Friday, an excerpt of which is:
I am just miserable and physically sick from the thought of leaving her to sit at work. I don't want to come back at all. People keep making jokes about don't I miss the work and how much work I have waiting and that freaking catalog. I could honestly give two shits about any of that as I am sure you can imagine, so I don't really find it funny. :( Not that you should be telling your boss this, haha, but I know I can talk to you. I have no desire to come to work, do any work and I really don't care about the work -- it all seems so meaningless now. I don't know if I can do it day in ad day out if I continue to feel like this. I used to enjoy working work and even sometimes found work rewarding -- now it all seems like a waste of time when I could be spending my time with her.
It was really the last thing I wanted to read yesterday, and even now, just re-reading it. I just want to say to her, "I need this week to be about me. Can you do that for me? I've been covering your work since December 10. We can deal with you missing your baby next week."
I'm not sure how to answer her, and I'm guessing that it will be better to talk to her in person about it. I understand and won't begrudge her if she wants to quit and stay home with the baby, but it will freaking piss me off, because the way things work in higher education, it will take forever to find a replacement for her, to train someone. I was without someone before we hired her for nine months. I don't know if I can do that again. And hopefully I'll be going out on maternity leave at the end of the year, beginning of next. The whole thing just makes me crazy to think about.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
It Was Transparent, but I Was Thankful
I talked to one of my sisters on Tuesday night, and she said something that got me riled up. I don't remember, but suddenly I was venting about how no one in the family (save her, my mother, my sister-in-law in Virginia, and my niece) seemed to care about what I was going through. That no one ever called, no one emailed. And that our niece (the one who announced her pregnancy last week) was an insensitive bitch.
She was good. She let me rant, she tried to make some excuses for them but not too many, and then said she didn't know I felt that way. How could I not? You all know how I feel, I've spelled it out before how much they all hurt me by not inquiring.
And then she asked about why I thought Erica was insensitive. Really? Seriously? "I have the best fertility specialist in the region putting living, viable embryos into my uterus and I can't get pregnant. I don't want to hear that she got pregnant without even trying."
Oh, was the response. Yea, oh.
So yesterday my phone rang. A 315 area code but no name. Could have been someone's cell, I guess, so I answered. (315 is Syracuse, where most of my family lives.) It was my oldest sister. "Haven't talked to you in a while. Mom told me you were gearing up for your next procedure, so I thought I'd check in."
We talked for about 30 minutes. She gave me her updates. I told her what I was doing. I even congratulated her on being a grandma-to-be. I would have liked the conversation to end there, but she talked about how Erica was feeling, and the plans they were making for a bigger place, and that they would have such pretty babies because they were both so pretty. And of course, I started crying.
And she knew it. "Why are you crying?" And then she answered her own questions, excusing it on the hormones. And I let her think that was the case. I did ask for this, after all. I did want my siblings to be a little thoughtful with me, and reach out to me. So I guess this is what I get with it.
I know no one knows what the right thing to say is. I know it's a hard thing. And unless you've been living this with me for the past 18 months, you have no idea just exactly what I've been through.
To synopsize it into 6 failed IUI attempts and two failed IVF's, with one chemical pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage, does not give justice to what it has actually been. And so I'll give some slack to the ones who are just jumping on board now, and remember that this is what I wanted.
But there's something about the conversation that just didn't feel genuine. Like she was calling because she heard I was uattempted to comfort me when I was crying was a little too cavalier for my liking, she was over-looking anything that was just said that could have been the cause of the tears, over-looking that her daughter being pregnant could be very upsetting to me.
And maybe there is still awkwardness over the wedding this summer. Until amends are made, there will always be something that can't be said between us. (And at least in my end, something that will always be on the top of my tongue to say.) And maybe that was there. Maybe that was what I was sensing.
Or maybe it's time for me to go back to see my shrink. I've run into her at Wegmans and Kohl's recently. Maybe it's the universe's way of telling me that I've done the best job I can handling this complex roller coaster of emotions, but I need to call in the professional for a little advice. I'll see how this week goes.
I go in tomorrow for a follicle check and blood work. I've been giving myself 450 units of Gonal-F since Thursday night. I'll know tomorrow if it's been working the way we hoped.
She was good. She let me rant, she tried to make some excuses for them but not too many, and then said she didn't know I felt that way. How could I not? You all know how I feel, I've spelled it out before how much they all hurt me by not inquiring.
And then she asked about why I thought Erica was insensitive. Really? Seriously? "I have the best fertility specialist in the region putting living, viable embryos into my uterus and I can't get pregnant. I don't want to hear that she got pregnant without even trying."
Oh, was the response. Yea, oh.
So yesterday my phone rang. A 315 area code but no name. Could have been someone's cell, I guess, so I answered. (315 is Syracuse, where most of my family lives.) It was my oldest sister. "Haven't talked to you in a while. Mom told me you were gearing up for your next procedure, so I thought I'd check in."
We talked for about 30 minutes. She gave me her updates. I told her what I was doing. I even congratulated her on being a grandma-to-be. I would have liked the conversation to end there, but she talked about how Erica was feeling, and the plans they were making for a bigger place, and that they would have such pretty babies because they were both so pretty. And of course, I started crying.
And she knew it. "Why are you crying?" And then she answered her own questions, excusing it on the hormones. And I let her think that was the case. I did ask for this, after all. I did want my siblings to be a little thoughtful with me, and reach out to me. So I guess this is what I get with it.
I know no one knows what the right thing to say is. I know it's a hard thing. And unless you've been living this with me for the past 18 months, you have no idea just exactly what I've been through.
To synopsize it into 6 failed IUI attempts and two failed IVF's, with one chemical pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage, does not give justice to what it has actually been. And so I'll give some slack to the ones who are just jumping on board now, and remember that this is what I wanted.
But there's something about the conversation that just didn't feel genuine. Like she was calling because she heard I was uattempted to comfort me when I was crying was a little too cavalier for my liking, she was over-looking anything that was just said that could have been the cause of the tears, over-looking that her daughter being pregnant could be very upsetting to me.
And maybe there is still awkwardness over the wedding this summer. Until amends are made, there will always be something that can't be said between us. (And at least in my end, something that will always be on the top of my tongue to say.) And maybe that was there. Maybe that was what I was sensing.
Or maybe it's time for me to go back to see my shrink. I've run into her at Wegmans and Kohl's recently. Maybe it's the universe's way of telling me that I've done the best job I can handling this complex roller coaster of emotions, but I need to call in the professional for a little advice. I'll see how this week goes.
I go in tomorrow for a follicle check and blood work. I've been giving myself 450 units of Gonal-F since Thursday night. I'll know tomorrow if it's been working the way we hoped.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
I'm Just Asking for a Little Compassion
But perhaps that's too much to ask for.
I spent the week in Richmond, with my parents, at my brother's house. Many stories including the phone call from J on Monday night and Tuesday night dinner with my niece's boyfriend, but more on all that later.
As we were driving home yesterday, my cell phone rang. It was my niece (the one who got married this past summer, the stupid family wedding fame). I was in the bathroom at McDonald's so just hit ignore.
As my parents were ordering something to eat, I went outside to listen to the voice mail.
"Yeah, hey Ellie, just wanted to see if you had a good Thanksgiving and to let you know I'm expecting. Yea totally crazy...wasn't planning on it, we weren't even trying, it just happened. So I'm due July 9th. Call me back if you want."
I turned my back to my parents inside the restaurant and started crying. But I had to pull myself together. I wasn't going to tell them for a number of reasons. Not my news, not my place to tell my parents. And I wasn't going to get into a car for four more hours and discuss this.
My eyes welled up several times on the drive home. I tried to push it out of my head. I tried not to think about it. I'm happy for her, of course.
But really....is that the way you tell someone who has been struggling with infertility for the past 18 months? Seriously.
My fucking family -- and that's the way I feel about most of them these days -- can't see past the nose of their faces. And sure, I'm probably being a little egocentric about this as well, but really...
I talked to my sister-in-law and Bubbles -- both reacted the same way. That is to say, that they don't think I'm over-reacting, being selfish or being egocentric. Both feel that a little bit of compassion and understanding could have been a part of the phone message.
Of course I would want to know, of course I'm glad she called me, and as I said, of course I'm happy for her. But at the same time, I'm sad for me. At the same time, I would have appreciated a little human decency on her part in telling me.
I haven't been able to call her back. And probably won't. At some point I will send her an email.
I've been having anxiety over Christmas. With my cycle and the retrieval and transfer dates up in the air at this point, I wasn't sure if I would be able to go to Richmond for Christmas. If I didn't do that, then I would go to my sister's in Syracuse.
I always have anxiety when the entire family (or damn close to it) gets together. I'm the odd man out, I feel self-conscious about everything. Virginia is easier, but questionable this year.
Well, the parents-to-be will be home for Christmas this year. More than I could really take. So even if I'm driving eight hours on December 25th, or I spend it alone in Ithaca, I'm not going to Syracuse. It would be too much.
And maybe that's me having a pity party for myself. Or maybe I'll change my mind in a few days or a few weeks. Or maybe I won't. I guess only time will tell.
And so for the "I-don't-know-how-many-times" time, I'll feel lousy for a few days and then try to snap out of it. I really thought when I woke up yesterday that it was the start of feeling good, of moving forward and being positive.
Maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.
I spent the week in Richmond, with my parents, at my brother's house. Many stories including the phone call from J on Monday night and Tuesday night dinner with my niece's boyfriend, but more on all that later.
As we were driving home yesterday, my cell phone rang. It was my niece (the one who got married this past summer, the stupid family wedding fame). I was in the bathroom at McDonald's so just hit ignore.
As my parents were ordering something to eat, I went outside to listen to the voice mail.
"Yeah, hey Ellie, just wanted to see if you had a good Thanksgiving and to let you know I'm expecting. Yea totally crazy...wasn't planning on it, we weren't even trying, it just happened. So I'm due July 9th. Call me back if you want."
I turned my back to my parents inside the restaurant and started crying. But I had to pull myself together. I wasn't going to tell them for a number of reasons. Not my news, not my place to tell my parents. And I wasn't going to get into a car for four more hours and discuss this.
My eyes welled up several times on the drive home. I tried to push it out of my head. I tried not to think about it. I'm happy for her, of course.
But really....is that the way you tell someone who has been struggling with infertility for the past 18 months? Seriously.
My fucking family -- and that's the way I feel about most of them these days -- can't see past the nose of their faces. And sure, I'm probably being a little egocentric about this as well, but really...
I talked to my sister-in-law and Bubbles -- both reacted the same way. That is to say, that they don't think I'm over-reacting, being selfish or being egocentric. Both feel that a little bit of compassion and understanding could have been a part of the phone message.
Of course I would want to know, of course I'm glad she called me, and as I said, of course I'm happy for her. But at the same time, I'm sad for me. At the same time, I would have appreciated a little human decency on her part in telling me.
I haven't been able to call her back. And probably won't. At some point I will send her an email.
I've been having anxiety over Christmas. With my cycle and the retrieval and transfer dates up in the air at this point, I wasn't sure if I would be able to go to Richmond for Christmas. If I didn't do that, then I would go to my sister's in Syracuse.
I always have anxiety when the entire family (or damn close to it) gets together. I'm the odd man out, I feel self-conscious about everything. Virginia is easier, but questionable this year.
Well, the parents-to-be will be home for Christmas this year. More than I could really take. So even if I'm driving eight hours on December 25th, or I spend it alone in Ithaca, I'm not going to Syracuse. It would be too much.
And maybe that's me having a pity party for myself. Or maybe I'll change my mind in a few days or a few weeks. Or maybe I won't. I guess only time will tell.
And so for the "I-don't-know-how-many-times" time, I'll feel lousy for a few days and then try to snap out of it. I really thought when I woke up yesterday that it was the start of feeling good, of moving forward and being positive.
Maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
My Day Yesterday
I was over-tired from being up late on the phone with J.
Towards the end of the day, a friend at work confided in me and another friend that he and his wife are expecting. So there I sat, with my 33-weeks-pregnant friend and another one about to have another baby. When Heather asked if they had been trying long, we heard, "we thought it might, but it happened almost immediately."
I managed to hold it together until he left Heather's office. And then I broke down. I left work, skipped the gym, came home and got into bed pretty early.
I skipped through the TV channels. Law & Order -- pregnant woman. Next.
Discovery Health -- woman having quads. Next.
Food Network should be safe, right? A Challenge. Excellent. "Four bakers must make cake mystery client." Perfect.
Until the mystery client turned out to be a pregnant woman and the cake they had to make was for her baby shower.
I gave up at the point and just watched it. I even tortured myself and flipped over to the quads on commercials. I cried. Didn't wipe my tears, didn't blow my nose. Just laid on my bed, kitty on my lap, and cried.
I rolled over and fell asleep about 8pm. I managed to mostly sleep all night and woke up feeling a little better. At least not like I was going to break down at any given moment.
I'll be busy next week. I'm driving to Richmond on Sunday with my parents. We'll spend the week with my brother and his family, and then I'll be back on Friday. The next day, I'll begin giving myself the stomach shots. Moving forward. I just have to keep remembering that. I'm moving forward.
Towards the end of the day, a friend at work confided in me and another friend that he and his wife are expecting. So there I sat, with my 33-weeks-pregnant friend and another one about to have another baby. When Heather asked if they had been trying long, we heard, "we thought it might, but it happened almost immediately."
I managed to hold it together until he left Heather's office. And then I broke down. I left work, skipped the gym, came home and got into bed pretty early.
I skipped through the TV channels. Law & Order -- pregnant woman. Next.
Discovery Health -- woman having quads. Next.
Food Network should be safe, right? A Challenge. Excellent. "Four bakers must make cake mystery client." Perfect.
Until the mystery client turned out to be a pregnant woman and the cake they had to make was for her baby shower.
I gave up at the point and just watched it. I even tortured myself and flipped over to the quads on commercials. I cried. Didn't wipe my tears, didn't blow my nose. Just laid on my bed, kitty on my lap, and cried.
I rolled over and fell asleep about 8pm. I managed to mostly sleep all night and woke up feeling a little better. At least not like I was going to break down at any given moment.
I'll be busy next week. I'm driving to Richmond on Sunday with my parents. We'll spend the week with my brother and his family, and then I'll be back on Friday. The next day, I'll begin giving myself the stomach shots. Moving forward. I just have to keep remembering that. I'm moving forward.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Everyone's Pregnant...
except me.
I'll get out of my funk after a weekend of crying and feeling sorry for myself. We decided to take November off since I will be traveling for Thanksgiving, and do another egg retrieval in December.
I've got nothing else to say. I can only repeat myself so many times. For how I'm feeling, see a post from one of the previous negative tests.
I'll be in a better mood next week.
I'll get out of my funk after a weekend of crying and feeling sorry for myself. We decided to take November off since I will be traveling for Thanksgiving, and do another egg retrieval in December.
I've got nothing else to say. I can only repeat myself so many times. For how I'm feeling, see a post from one of the previous negative tests.
I'll be in a better mood next week.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Happy Valentine's Day
or Black Thursday, as I like to call it.
I went in for my ultrasound last week, and surprise, I only had one cyst and it was less than 17cm so it's okay to move forward. I started on 100mg of Clomid (double what I've previously taken, but no where near the maximum) on Saturday and took my last dose last night. This is the first time I've been able to try two consecutive months. I'm hoping my body will say, "oh yeah, sperm....that's what I'm supposed to do with it." I go in Monday morning for a follicle check and if all looks good, I'll try to get knocked up on Tuesday.
It was a nostalgic weekend for me last week. Saturday, I went to a baby shower (someone I used to work at Bath & Body with) in Syracuse. It was in the valley, right near where I spent many days and nights in high school. My friend Amy drove up with me, and I dragged her into Green Hills , the locally owned grocery store I worked at in high school. It really was a trip down memory lane, even though is much fancier than it used to be. I showed her the register that I used to always ring on, and the back room where DD and I used to hide when we were supposed to be taking down the salad bar. And the back room where he propositioned me (which resulted in my first BJ in the parking lot after work one night).
And then after Green Hills, I took Amy to the duck pond where I used to go when I was little (and still love!). Let me remind you that it's February. And Syracuse. Needless to say, the corn got dumped in the water pretty quickly. It was really cold. Driving up to Audrey's new house was even fun, because she lived behind my childhood church, and I had to drive on street's where high school friends used to live.
So I was already in that high school wistfulness when I drove back to Syracuse on Sunday. A friend of my parents' has been diagnosed with late-stage pancreatic cancer. He's 36, has two small kids and a third on the way. It sucks more and more every time I think about it. His wife is someone I went to high school with, though we didn't hang out. She was two years ahead of me. But I went to a relatively small high school, so I remember her. My parents became friends with her and husband within the past eight or nine years.
Anyway, Sunday. Family and friends are organizing a benefit. And I've never been one to let an event where I can remotely be in charge of organizing something get by me. So now I'm involved -- I'm actually in charge of the raffle and silent auction. And there was a committee meeting. So I drove up to Syracuse (for the second time in two days) in gusting winds and blowing and drifting snow because more than being at the meeting and talking special event, I knew that there were going to be three guys there that I had gone to high school with (had actually known since the 4th grade!).
When I first saw Matt (the cutest boy in the 4th grade), it was like everyone stopped talking and time stood still. OK, maybe that's a little dramatic. But still -- oh my god, Matt T., all grown up, balding, gray, but still that baby face. And so tall. We went to a school where for some reason, teachers did things by alphabetical order (seating, lining up for lunch, lockers next to each other), so Matt with his T and me with my W, we ended up next to each other a lot. And it was good to see Dave and Mike, too -- but I was closer to Matt than the other two.
Matt told me that I looked "great" and wondered how I haven't aged. That made me feel good, because at the moment, the wedding bands on all three of their hands was blinding, and I was just waiting for one of them to ask if I was married, had kids. And a little part of me felt inadequate. What do I have to show for my life?
I got over the pity party pretty quickly (no complaining, right?) and was just really glad to reconnect with these guys. We didn't get to talk much, but I'll be seeing them for the next few weeks for meetings and then the event on March 8.
And all of this is just leading up to, I'm sure, me planning our 20th high school reunion. We'll see.
I went in for my ultrasound last week, and surprise, I only had one cyst and it was less than 17cm so it's okay to move forward. I started on 100mg of Clomid (double what I've previously taken, but no where near the maximum) on Saturday and took my last dose last night. This is the first time I've been able to try two consecutive months. I'm hoping my body will say, "oh yeah, sperm....that's what I'm supposed to do with it." I go in Monday morning for a follicle check and if all looks good, I'll try to get knocked up on Tuesday.
It was a nostalgic weekend for me last week. Saturday, I went to a baby shower (someone I used to work at Bath & Body with) in Syracuse. It was in the valley, right near where I spent many days and nights in high school. My friend Amy drove up with me, and I dragged her into Green Hills , the locally owned grocery store I worked at in high school. It really was a trip down memory lane, even though is much fancier than it used to be. I showed her the register that I used to always ring on, and the back room where DD and I used to hide when we were supposed to be taking down the salad bar. And the back room where he propositioned me (which resulted in my first BJ in the parking lot after work one night).
And then after Green Hills, I took Amy to the duck pond where I used to go when I was little (and still love!). Let me remind you that it's February. And Syracuse. Needless to say, the corn got dumped in the water pretty quickly. It was really cold. Driving up to Audrey's new house was even fun, because she lived behind my childhood church, and I had to drive on street's where high school friends used to live.
So I was already in that high school wistfulness when I drove back to Syracuse on Sunday. A friend of my parents' has been diagnosed with late-stage pancreatic cancer. He's 36, has two small kids and a third on the way. It sucks more and more every time I think about it. His wife is someone I went to high school with, though we didn't hang out. She was two years ahead of me. But I went to a relatively small high school, so I remember her. My parents became friends with her and husband within the past eight or nine years.
Anyway, Sunday. Family and friends are organizing a benefit. And I've never been one to let an event where I can remotely be in charge of organizing something get by me. So now I'm involved -- I'm actually in charge of the raffle and silent auction. And there was a committee meeting. So I drove up to Syracuse (for the second time in two days) in gusting winds and blowing and drifting snow because more than being at the meeting and talking special event, I knew that there were going to be three guys there that I had gone to high school with (had actually known since the 4th grade!).
When I first saw Matt (the cutest boy in the 4th grade), it was like everyone stopped talking and time stood still. OK, maybe that's a little dramatic. But still -- oh my god, Matt T., all grown up, balding, gray, but still that baby face. And so tall. We went to a school where for some reason, teachers did things by alphabetical order (seating, lining up for lunch, lockers next to each other), so Matt with his T and me with my W, we ended up next to each other a lot. And it was good to see Dave and Mike, too -- but I was closer to Matt than the other two.
Matt told me that I looked "great" and wondered how I haven't aged. That made me feel good, because at the moment, the wedding bands on all three of their hands was blinding, and I was just waiting for one of them to ask if I was married, had kids. And a little part of me felt inadequate. What do I have to show for my life?
I got over the pity party pretty quickly (no complaining, right?) and was just really glad to reconnect with these guys. We didn't get to talk much, but I'll be seeing them for the next few weeks for meetings and then the event on March 8.
And all of this is just leading up to, I'm sure, me planning our 20th high school reunion. We'll see.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Weekend Update
My friend Karyn came over Friday night. We co-hosted a baby shower on Saturday, and she came by to help me move furniture, decide on last-minute details, etc. Honestly, it was the easiest party I've put together -- we're both so scarily organized and love to plan events that it just came together.
So, there really wasn't that much to do. So we opened a bottle of wine -- Red Cat from Hazlett. I am so not a wine connoisseur that this would probably be considered not one of the finer reds. It's pretty sweet, but I can't take a dry wine. Anyway, the Red Cat went down very smooth and easy. And less than 45 minutes later, we were opening a second bottle -- Niagara from Wagner. Another sweet wine, this time white.
So, for the first time since early August, I was drunk. Someone should take my cell phone away from me when I'm drinking. I don't drunk dial, I drunk text.
To J in Baltimore: "Why are you so far away when I'm this drunk and horny?"
To my local friend G (all 26 years of him): Drunk...horny....you?"
G wrote back almost instantly: "Ha....whats good...out of town, call u when i get back."
No word from J, and given the way he bolted away from the flirtatious line after boldly crossing it during Hall of Fame weekend, I got a little worried. Today, I got this: "Outstanding text! Just got back from China and just got it, sorry!"
Riiight....he was in China with #8 teaching kids about baseball. Bubbles thinks I should ask him to be my donor, my baby batter supplier. It makes me nervous, but I will admit that I've thought about it. More than once. I'll probably see him -- or at least talk to him -- when I head south for Thanksgiving, so maybe I'll ask him, but I'll probably chicken out.
Back to the weekend, I pretty much passed out Friday after Karyn's husband came and picked her up. Saturday was the baby shower -- and it was a huge hit, but a long day. Several of my friends asked if it was hard, given my disappointment in getting my period last week, but you know, it wasn't. And that makes me feel good. That I'm not selfish, that it wasn't about me...that it was about Jess and Drew and their happiness.
Saturday night, I went to see "The Full Monty" on campus. So good! I can't even believe that they were college students. When I saw that the play was two hours and 45 minutes -- after being on my feet and hosting 22 people all day -- I thought about turning around and leaving. But the time flew by and the play was great.
Sunday, I napped and watched football. You can't ask for a much better Sunday than that.
So, there really wasn't that much to do. So we opened a bottle of wine -- Red Cat from Hazlett. I am so not a wine connoisseur that this would probably be considered not one of the finer reds. It's pretty sweet, but I can't take a dry wine. Anyway, the Red Cat went down very smooth and easy. And less than 45 minutes later, we were opening a second bottle -- Niagara from Wagner. Another sweet wine, this time white.
So, for the first time since early August, I was drunk. Someone should take my cell phone away from me when I'm drinking. I don't drunk dial, I drunk text.
To J in Baltimore: "Why are you so far away when I'm this drunk and horny?"
To my local friend G (all 26 years of him): Drunk...horny....you?"
G wrote back almost instantly: "Ha....whats good...out of town, call u when i get back."
No word from J, and given the way he bolted away from the flirtatious line after boldly crossing it during Hall of Fame weekend, I got a little worried. Today, I got this: "Outstanding text! Just got back from China and just got it, sorry!"
Riiight....he was in China with #8 teaching kids about baseball. Bubbles thinks I should ask him to be my donor, my baby batter supplier. It makes me nervous, but I will admit that I've thought about it. More than once. I'll probably see him -- or at least talk to him -- when I head south for Thanksgiving, so maybe I'll ask him, but I'll probably chicken out.
Back to the weekend, I pretty much passed out Friday after Karyn's husband came and picked her up. Saturday was the baby shower -- and it was a huge hit, but a long day. Several of my friends asked if it was hard, given my disappointment in getting my period last week, but you know, it wasn't. And that makes me feel good. That I'm not selfish, that it wasn't about me...that it was about Jess and Drew and their happiness.
Saturday night, I went to see "The Full Monty" on campus. So good! I can't even believe that they were college students. When I saw that the play was two hours and 45 minutes -- after being on my feet and hosting 22 people all day -- I thought about turning around and leaving. But the time flew by and the play was great.
Sunday, I napped and watched football. You can't ask for a much better Sunday than that.
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