I've been having some weird sensations, and I'm trying not to read into them. I had some twinges the other day (less than any other month) and then on Saturday, twice, a weird, intense, stabbing pain -- that went just as quickly as it came. Tonight, a different ache (?) that went from my uterus down into my cervix. Again, it was quick. And then it was gone.
Sometimes they take my breath away, sometimes I'm doubled over. Not in agony, more in surprise by the feeling. I'm taking this all as a good thing.
I talked to Bubbles today, who had some words of wisdom for my about my experience with the pregnant woman yesterday. "She's the one who was meant for that baby. Your baby will come on a different day."
It made me feel better. A little.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Still
Not sure what I'm feeling, trying not to think too much. For the first time in a few days, or the first time I really payed attention, I felt some twinges yesterday. And twice, I felt a sharp, quick pain in my uterus. No idea what it was, what it means.
Just a couple more days of waiting, and I go back to work tomorrow, so hopefully that will keep my mind off of things.
I went to my friend's baby's baptism this morning. I detest going to things like this as a single person. I would be so much more interesting if I had a pregnancy to talk about. Oh but, I did. Just not mine. There were lots of babies there. And a pregnant woman. Who's due date was my old due date.
I was fine through church and almost all of brunch, and then I just needed to leave. I teared up a little as I was leaving. Heather's mother gave me a hug and wished me luck on Tuesday. That was the tipping point. I just needed to come home and relax and not be with people.
I know I owe my friend Jan in Baltimore a phone call. But I can't do it. I don't want to talk about it. Last I talked to her, I was getting ready for retrieval. I can't go into the last two weeks, and my emotions, and what happens if... I just can't do it.
So the agenda for tonight -- a cold shower (summer has FINALLY arrived in Ithaca), my meditation CD, and bed. And hopefully, I can sleep.
Just a couple more days of waiting, and I go back to work tomorrow, so hopefully that will keep my mind off of things.
I went to my friend's baby's baptism this morning. I detest going to things like this as a single person. I would be so much more interesting if I had a pregnancy to talk about. Oh but, I did. Just not mine. There were lots of babies there. And a pregnant woman. Who's due date was my old due date.
I was fine through church and almost all of brunch, and then I just needed to leave. I teared up a little as I was leaving. Heather's mother gave me a hug and wished me luck on Tuesday. That was the tipping point. I just needed to come home and relax and not be with people.
I know I owe my friend Jan in Baltimore a phone call. But I can't do it. I don't want to talk about it. Last I talked to her, I was getting ready for retrieval. I can't go into the last two weeks, and my emotions, and what happens if... I just can't do it.
So the agenda for tonight -- a cold shower (summer has FINALLY arrived in Ithaca), my meditation CD, and bed. And hopefully, I can sleep.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Limbo
I'm in that limbo spot -- well past the transfer and the need to treat my body so delicately, but still six days from the blood test. I'm almost indifferent but I know that as each day ticks away, my mood will change. Fear will creep in.
I'm trying not to over-analyze if it goes the wrong way. What's meant to be will be, right? So if I' not, what does that mean?
I'm also trying not to look into too many signs. But lately, they've been hard to ignore.
Friday....it was the Family Guy episode where Peter goes to the sperm bank
Saturday....Law & Order with murder at a cryogenic lab and a court fight over frozen embryos
Monday....the Golden Girls and Blanche's daughter getting artificially inseminated
Tuesday...a ladybug (for good luck) in my bedroom
Who knows what tonight will bring?
I'm trying not to over-analyze if it goes the wrong way. What's meant to be will be, right? So if I' not, what does that mean?
I'm also trying not to look into too many signs. But lately, they've been hard to ignore.
Friday....it was the Family Guy episode where Peter goes to the sperm bank
Saturday....Law & Order with murder at a cryogenic lab and a court fight over frozen embryos
Monday....the Golden Girls and Blanche's daughter getting artificially inseminated
Tuesday...a ladybug (for good luck) in my bedroom
Who knows what tonight will bring?
Monday, August 10, 2009
Sunday, August 09, 2009
A Whirlwind Week in Review
Monday...awake for about three hours in the middle of the night, at work by 6:30am, head to Syracuse at 7:45 for a 9am fertility massage.
Tuesday...awake on and off, thinking about this being the last attempt, finally up at 5am. Jill picked me up at 6am and we headed to Syracuse for the retrieval. This was her first time doing this procedure with me. It was interesting to hear her describe it to me -- how FG pushed down on my stomach, how I was wincing in pain even as I was totally unaware of it, and how he used 10 to 15 giant Q-tips to stop the bleeding.
They were able to get five eggs. Respectable, I guess, at this stage in the game. I did acupuncture after the retrieval and rested at home the remainder of the day. I had things piled up on the DVR specifically for this.
Wednesday...awake since 2am. The day was going to be interesting, for sure. I got a call from the FG's office about 8:30. They injected three of the five eggs, and two became embryos. I was a little disappointed in the number, but tried to be positive that I only really needed one.
And then the kicker, "transfer is tomorrow." What? I was thinking Friday. Three to five days from retrieval would be Friday or Saturday. Bubbles was driving up from Baltimore on Thursday. I called her immediately and sounded the alarm. "I'll be there tonight."
I'm a planner. I had two full days worth of meetings on Wednesday and Thursday. I canceled my Wednesday morning meeting, pushing it off until next week. And did what I could for the rest of the day. Heather bought me a regular Pepsi (at this point, I'm off the artificial sweeteners, so no diet) at lunch, which helped me get through the afternoon.
I did a Wegmans run and $100 later (food to lay around and percolate to in the next two days) came home to clean the house. I managed to sit about 9pm, running on fumes at this point. Bubbles arrived about 9:45. And at that point, I was able to relax.
Thursday...I slept better last night, and was up at 6:15am to shower and be ready to leave by 7am. At Bubbles' suggestion, I made myself a mimosa. Her theory? Drunk girls always get pregnant. So one mimosa down and another in the travel mug, we headed to Syracuse.
FG came in with a picture of "two awesome, amazing and beautiful embryos" and as he inserted them into my uterus, Bubbles talked to them. Telling them to hang on, that we loved them, that we've been waiting for them for so long, that she's going to spoil them, and all sorts of amazing things. I was laying there, watching on the ultrasound screen through my tears and hoping with everything I have that they were paying attention and would listen to their Aunt Bubbles.
After acupuncture, we were back home. I napped on and off all afternoon, while Bubbles watched the entire third season of The Tudors on OnDemand. And by the time I was ready to head up to bed, Jane Seymour and Thomas Cromwell were dead, Anne of Cleves was now Henry's "sister," and the king was seducing his soon-to-be fifth wife.
Friday....another relaxing day, though we did venture outside. We met Jill for brunch and then wandered to Target and Kohl's. The rest of the day was spent much like the day before. I rested and allowed the embryos lots of quiet time to do their thing.
And so the week in review, not a lot of sleeping at the beginning, and then not a lot of much else at the end. And two awesome, amazing and beautiful embryos hunkering down into a lining almost 12mm thick.
Tuesday...awake on and off, thinking about this being the last attempt, finally up at 5am. Jill picked me up at 6am and we headed to Syracuse for the retrieval. This was her first time doing this procedure with me. It was interesting to hear her describe it to me -- how FG pushed down on my stomach, how I was wincing in pain even as I was totally unaware of it, and how he used 10 to 15 giant Q-tips to stop the bleeding.
They were able to get five eggs. Respectable, I guess, at this stage in the game. I did acupuncture after the retrieval and rested at home the remainder of the day. I had things piled up on the DVR specifically for this.
Wednesday...awake since 2am. The day was going to be interesting, for sure. I got a call from the FG's office about 8:30. They injected three of the five eggs, and two became embryos. I was a little disappointed in the number, but tried to be positive that I only really needed one.
And then the kicker, "transfer is tomorrow." What? I was thinking Friday. Three to five days from retrieval would be Friday or Saturday. Bubbles was driving up from Baltimore on Thursday. I called her immediately and sounded the alarm. "I'll be there tonight."
I'm a planner. I had two full days worth of meetings on Wednesday and Thursday. I canceled my Wednesday morning meeting, pushing it off until next week. And did what I could for the rest of the day. Heather bought me a regular Pepsi (at this point, I'm off the artificial sweeteners, so no diet) at lunch, which helped me get through the afternoon.
I did a Wegmans run and $100 later (food to lay around and percolate to in the next two days) came home to clean the house. I managed to sit about 9pm, running on fumes at this point. Bubbles arrived about 9:45. And at that point, I was able to relax.
Thursday...I slept better last night, and was up at 6:15am to shower and be ready to leave by 7am. At Bubbles' suggestion, I made myself a mimosa. Her theory? Drunk girls always get pregnant. So one mimosa down and another in the travel mug, we headed to Syracuse.
FG came in with a picture of "two awesome, amazing and beautiful embryos" and as he inserted them into my uterus, Bubbles talked to them. Telling them to hang on, that we loved them, that we've been waiting for them for so long, that she's going to spoil them, and all sorts of amazing things. I was laying there, watching on the ultrasound screen through my tears and hoping with everything I have that they were paying attention and would listen to their Aunt Bubbles.
After acupuncture, we were back home. I napped on and off all afternoon, while Bubbles watched the entire third season of The Tudors on OnDemand. And by the time I was ready to head up to bed, Jane Seymour and Thomas Cromwell were dead, Anne of Cleves was now Henry's "sister," and the king was seducing his soon-to-be fifth wife.
Friday....another relaxing day, though we did venture outside. We met Jill for brunch and then wandered to Target and Kohl's. The rest of the day was spent much like the day before. I rested and allowed the embryos lots of quiet time to do their thing.
And so the week in review, not a lot of sleeping at the beginning, and then not a lot of much else at the end. And two awesome, amazing and beautiful embryos hunkering down into a lining almost 12mm thick.
Monday, August 03, 2009
Pheromones
Pheromones are released when a woman is close to ovulation to attract the man. Women are also hornier at this time of the month. Apparently my pheromones are strong enough to cross state lines.
I have heard from E four times in less than a week. This morning, he texted just as I was pulling up for my massage. I told him I was going into a meeting. He texted again tonight, curious and asking lots of questions about me. All dirty, of course.
And then Chris called again. He wants me to fly out to California and visit him next month. Better yet, he says, let's meet in Vegas for a long weekend.
I emailed Bubbles about it. Her response. "Wooo...what the hell do you have down there?" And of course, they are all coming out of the wood work just as I'm about to go on the DL.
Where was even one of them two weeks ago when I we could plan something? But I can't think about any of them right now.
I have my retrieval tomorrow, and that is what I need to focus on. Wish me luck.
I have heard from E four times in less than a week. This morning, he texted just as I was pulling up for my massage. I told him I was going into a meeting. He texted again tonight, curious and asking lots of questions about me. All dirty, of course.
And then Chris called again. He wants me to fly out to California and visit him next month. Better yet, he says, let's meet in Vegas for a long weekend.
I emailed Bubbles about it. Her response. "Wooo...what the hell do you have down there?" And of course, they are all coming out of the wood work just as I'm about to go on the DL.
Where was even one of them two weeks ago when I we could plan something? But I can't think about any of them right now.
I have my retrieval tomorrow, and that is what I need to focus on. Wish me luck.
Saturday, August 01, 2009
Worlds Colliding
I had a good doctor's appointment yesterday, with several follicles on the low 20s. Tonight is my last night of "jiffy pop" medicine, tomorrow I do the trigger shots at exactly 8pm, Monday morning I have a final fertility massage scheduled, and then Tuesday, Jill is taking me up to Syracuse for retrieval. The final retrieval.
Bubbles will be heading up from Baltimore on Thursday to take me to the transfer, which should be Friday (could be Saturday). She has been saying for two years that I need to go to the doctor drunk on procedure day. "Cuz drunk girls always get pregnant."
I'm giving in. She's bringing a split of champagne, and I will be drinking mimosas in my travel coffee mug. I figure one will get me buzzed, considering I haven't had a drink in several months and haven't gotten properly drunk since Babe's birthday in February.
Even though I heard everything I wanted to do at my appointment, I couldn't shake an image out of me head. Of me pulling up to my brother's house in Richmond, and collapsing in tears in my sister-in-law's arms. I'll be headed there at the end of the month, and I pray that that image doesn't come true.
My eyes kept tearing up, I turned the radio up louder, turned music on, trying to sing along. Nothing could get that image out of my head. Finally, I turned my yoga CD on and listened to the chanting and prayer in that music. It helped a little.
~~~
E was on the air yesterday, and just as I pulled up the webcam, Chris called. It was very strange hearing both of their voices at the same time, hearing Chris talk to me while I watched E. I had to minimize the screen and turn down the volume. It really freaked me out, more than any other time any of my boys have overlapped.
I've stuck to my promise and haven't talked to J. Well, his dog has bone cancer, so I wrote something on his facebook wall about the dog, and the dog only.
I tweeted last night, something to the effect of "yea, the weekend is here" and he responded to that "don't get in trouble, ellie."
I'm happy to say, I totally ignored it. Thought once about responding and closed my computer. He might almost be dead to me.
Of course that's easy to say now, when I've got Chris and E calling, and I'm full of optimism and doing the right thing (for Karma purposes) so that I can get knocked up. But more than ever before, I feel like this time, it's going to stick with J. It will only be professional and platonic.
Chris? Let me work on one at a time.
Bubbles will be heading up from Baltimore on Thursday to take me to the transfer, which should be Friday (could be Saturday). She has been saying for two years that I need to go to the doctor drunk on procedure day. "Cuz drunk girls always get pregnant."
I'm giving in. She's bringing a split of champagne, and I will be drinking mimosas in my travel coffee mug. I figure one will get me buzzed, considering I haven't had a drink in several months and haven't gotten properly drunk since Babe's birthday in February.
Even though I heard everything I wanted to do at my appointment, I couldn't shake an image out of me head. Of me pulling up to my brother's house in Richmond, and collapsing in tears in my sister-in-law's arms. I'll be headed there at the end of the month, and I pray that that image doesn't come true.
My eyes kept tearing up, I turned the radio up louder, turned music on, trying to sing along. Nothing could get that image out of my head. Finally, I turned my yoga CD on and listened to the chanting and prayer in that music. It helped a little.
~~~
E was on the air yesterday, and just as I pulled up the webcam, Chris called. It was very strange hearing both of their voices at the same time, hearing Chris talk to me while I watched E. I had to minimize the screen and turn down the volume. It really freaked me out, more than any other time any of my boys have overlapped.
I've stuck to my promise and haven't talked to J. Well, his dog has bone cancer, so I wrote something on his facebook wall about the dog, and the dog only.
I tweeted last night, something to the effect of "yea, the weekend is here" and he responded to that "don't get in trouble, ellie."
I'm happy to say, I totally ignored it. Thought once about responding and closed my computer. He might almost be dead to me.
Of course that's easy to say now, when I've got Chris and E calling, and I'm full of optimism and doing the right thing (for Karma purposes) so that I can get knocked up. But more than ever before, I feel like this time, it's going to stick with J. It will only be professional and platonic.
Chris? Let me work on one at a time.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
It's Hump Day....
to quote a morning radio DJ from my Rochester days, "and later we will."
It's been such a busy week already, I'm looking forward to the weekend. I had my follicle check this morning and things are looking really good. It's hard to see how many follicles are growing, they are all stacking on top of each other at this point, but the lead follicle is 18mm and my lining is great (almost 12mm, which is really the max that it gets). The nurse is guessing Monday for retrieval, but we'll know on Friday when I go back.
Bubbles is hopefully coming up from Baltimore for the transfer. I saw her the day after the transfer the time I got pregnant and she talked to my belly. Maybe if she talks to the embryos pre-utero, they'll stick around a little more.
It's been such a busy week already, I'm looking forward to the weekend. I had my follicle check this morning and things are looking really good. It's hard to see how many follicles are growing, they are all stacking on top of each other at this point, but the lead follicle is 18mm and my lining is great (almost 12mm, which is really the max that it gets). The nurse is guessing Monday for retrieval, but we'll know on Friday when I go back.
Bubbles is hopefully coming up from Baltimore for the transfer. I saw her the day after the transfer the time I got pregnant and she talked to my belly. Maybe if she talks to the embryos pre-utero, they'll stick around a little more.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Triple Play
I've resigned myself, I'm about 98.9% sure that I'm done with J. And I feel good about that. I'm waiting, though not the losing sleep kind of waiting, for him to be in touch. So I can say "oh, are you calling with a day and place for us to meet. Because if you're not, we've got nothing to talk about."
And I've realized that I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at myself. Mad for allowing him to make me feel so foolish over him. Mad for allowing me to not see what he was trying to tell me with his lack of action. But I get it now. If he wanted it to happen, if he really wanted to see me, I've made it more than easy for him to make it happen.
I texted with E yesterday and felt happy to have heard from him. Before yesterday, our last exchange was about two weeks ago. He had been talking on air about the advice he gave one of his producers about what to expect from marriage. He likened it to eating healthy for the rest of his life -- he'd feel better, he'd look better, he'd sleep better, but he could never have another cupcake again.
I texted him and asked if I was supposed to be the cupcake. He answered back, almost immediately, that yes I was and to get my ass to Connecticut so he could lick every inch of me. I giggled but didn't respond back. I left it at that. Bubbles has taught me well about how to keep the power in the texting and calling relationship. I kept the power, and there he was four beeping me yesterday morning.
And then all of that power, all of that "I am in control of my life and my feelings" went out the window this morning. One little phone call. A 315 (Syracuse) area code on my phone. "This is Ellie."
"Hey now." Chris. And I melted. I'd been thinking about him lately. (His birthday is at the end of the week.) But I didn't realize the effect he still has on me. He makes me happy. He's familiar. And safe. And yes, unavailable. But he cares about me. And he knows me. I don't have to be on my "best" behavior around him.
Amazing, how after all this time, that guy in the Irish bar from January 2003....it still comes back to him.
And I've realized that I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at myself. Mad for allowing him to make me feel so foolish over him. Mad for allowing me to not see what he was trying to tell me with his lack of action. But I get it now. If he wanted it to happen, if he really wanted to see me, I've made it more than easy for him to make it happen.
I texted with E yesterday and felt happy to have heard from him. Before yesterday, our last exchange was about two weeks ago. He had been talking on air about the advice he gave one of his producers about what to expect from marriage. He likened it to eating healthy for the rest of his life -- he'd feel better, he'd look better, he'd sleep better, but he could never have another cupcake again.
I texted him and asked if I was supposed to be the cupcake. He answered back, almost immediately, that yes I was and to get my ass to Connecticut so he could lick every inch of me. I giggled but didn't respond back. I left it at that. Bubbles has taught me well about how to keep the power in the texting and calling relationship. I kept the power, and there he was four beeping me yesterday morning.
And then all of that power, all of that "I am in control of my life and my feelings" went out the window this morning. One little phone call. A 315 (Syracuse) area code on my phone. "This is Ellie."
"Hey now." Chris. And I melted. I'd been thinking about him lately. (His birthday is at the end of the week.) But I didn't realize the effect he still has on me. He makes me happy. He's familiar. And safe. And yes, unavailable. But he cares about me. And he knows me. I don't have to be on my "best" behavior around him.
Amazing, how after all this time, that guy in the Irish bar from January 2003....it still comes back to him.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Weekend Update
It was a fun weekend, and I wish I didn't have such a busy, Syracuse-filled week ahead, but alas I do. Doctor appointments Monday and Wednesday morning, yoga Tuesday night, and thankfully not a lot of meetings.
My follicle check went well on Friday -- there are anywhere between 5 and 8 follicles, with the lead one at 13mm. Slow and steady wins the race. My best guess is that retrieval will be next Monday or Tuesday, with transfer on Friday the 7th. Which also means that I will be getting my test results very close to the exact date of my first IUI two years ago (August 23). Win or lose, it will all come full circle. And win or lose, I'll be heading south at the end of August.
I had another fertility massage yesterday, this time with yet another person. She wasn't trained in the Mayan abdominal techniques that I had been getting, but she did some work on my stomach and pressure points. It was more relaxing than the other two, so even if it wasn't entirely focused on my reproductive organs, it was a stress-reliever. I think I'll be able to fit one more in before retrieval.
I stayed in Syracuse last night and went to the Chiefs (triple-A affiliate of the Nationals) game with my niece, her husband and their two boys. And then this morning, as I was driving home, I heard the familiar four beeps of my cell phone. E. :)
Some dirty texting back and forth as I was driving (oops) and he wants to pick a date soon for us. I'm guessing I won't be able to fit him in before the retrieval, so once again he will be my consolation prize to look forward to.
My follicle check went well on Friday -- there are anywhere between 5 and 8 follicles, with the lead one at 13mm. Slow and steady wins the race. My best guess is that retrieval will be next Monday or Tuesday, with transfer on Friday the 7th. Which also means that I will be getting my test results very close to the exact date of my first IUI two years ago (August 23). Win or lose, it will all come full circle. And win or lose, I'll be heading south at the end of August.
I had another fertility massage yesterday, this time with yet another person. She wasn't trained in the Mayan abdominal techniques that I had been getting, but she did some work on my stomach and pressure points. It was more relaxing than the other two, so even if it wasn't entirely focused on my reproductive organs, it was a stress-reliever. I think I'll be able to fit one more in before retrieval.
I stayed in Syracuse last night and went to the Chiefs (triple-A affiliate of the Nationals) game with my niece, her husband and their two boys. And then this morning, as I was driving home, I heard the familiar four beeps of my cell phone. E. :)
Some dirty texting back and forth as I was driving (oops) and he wants to pick a date soon for us. I'm guessing I won't be able to fit him in before the retrieval, so once again he will be my consolation prize to look forward to.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
It's Almost Friday
The week got better, although there was another incident with Casey on Tuesday night, but she was good last night.
I had a follicle check yesterday and I had six follicles, possibly a seventh. The lead follicle is 12mm. I ordered the baby batter yesterday (it will arrive Monday) and I go back for another ultrasound tomorrow.
I'm guessing retrieval next Friday at the earliest. Stay tuned.
I had a follicle check yesterday and I had six follicles, possibly a seventh. The lead follicle is 12mm. I ordered the baby batter yesterday (it will arrive Monday) and I go back for another ultrasound tomorrow.
I'm guessing retrieval next Friday at the earliest. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday Sucked
The day started out fine, if not a little early. I was up at 5:15am, jumped in the shower and got dressed, fed my neighbors cats (a more-complex-then-usual task since her cats eat different things and I have to lock one in the bathroom to eat and then wait), and was on the road by 6:15 for Syracuse.
My follicle check went well. I had my favorite NP and I have at least three follicles on the left, and five on the right. Whoo-hoo. Keep growing, little follicles. I went to Skaneateles, a beautiful little resort village on one of the Finger Lakes to spend the day at my friend Jenn's house, since I would be going back to the FG's office later in the day.
We played with the kids in the backyard, fed them lunch, and then left them with her husband while we walked around the village and got lunch. Then back to her house to sit by the pool.
About 5pm, I headed back to Syracuse for my first support group meeting. I wasn't sure what to expect, and there were lots of people there that it was their first time, too. Overall, there were about 25 people there (including three husbands). Everyone went around the room and told their story.
I would have expected that to be cathartic. And I'm not sure why the meeting, overall, wasn't. All the sad stories, all the failures should have made me feel like I'm not in it alone, but I think they gave me a hopeless feeling.
trying for three years....trying for five years...miscarriage with twins at 10 weeks...premenopausal at 35...miscarriage at 7 weeks....ready to give up...
Maybe I'm just tired. Like two years worth of tired. I'm tired of talking and rehashing what more we can all do.
Acupuncture. Yoga. Massage. Stress relievers. Meditation. Support groups. Support forums. Therapy. I'm doing all of that. And then we hear -- in the support group and in yoga -- Don't watch TV or read the news -- nothing but negative energy. Read positive books.
And then there's the information that contradicts each other. Don't eat ice cream -- you need to keep your uterus warm. Eat full fat dairy -- it's good for conception.
I've said it before, but I feel like I want to scream it from a mountain top -- it shouldn't be this hard. If it's this hard to reproduce, how did man get this far?
FG said something at the meeting that I took to heart, and I'm sure he meant it in a positive way, because he is nothing if not positive, but he said "none of us is promised anything in life."
And he's right. But is it too much to expect that if I don't get the husband, I can have the baby?
I drove home with a pounding headache, knowing I had to stop at Kohl's to buy a new hair straightener (I noticed in the morning that mine was most likely a fire hazard with frayed cord showing), still feed the neighbor's cats and do my shots and medicine.
If Casey pooped on the floor, I think I might lose it. (My 13-year-old cat has irritable bowel syndrome and sometimes doesn't make it to the litter box or starts there, it hurts and she jumps out. Fortunately, her messes are contained to one room 99% of the time, and she's only ruined the rug in her room.)
I went to Kohl's, the headache is now an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. Go home, take my shot out of the fridge to warm up, go over to Lynne's to feed the cats. Get the mail while the one cat is eating locked up, go back in and let her out. Go home, do my shot, take my meds. Grab something little to eat, check my email and calendar for today. At this point, it's 9pm and my headache is closing in on a 9. Someone is pressing their thumbs into both of my eyes and has a vice around my head.
I go upstairs and see a pile of poo on the floor, a smaller dropping about three feet away, and a little in my room. I start sobbing, not doing any wonders for my headache. Bending over to clean up the floor makes my head explode. I cry harder. I look at the rug shampooer that I leave in Casey's room for nights like this, and lose it. I sit on a stool and sob into my knees.
I clean up the best I can, pour Nature's Miracle on all the spots and cover them with hand towels so I know where they are. Contacts out, Yankees t-shirt on, 800 mg of Ibuprofin, and the lights off. I hold my head, trying to relieve the pressure and fall asleep.
I want a boy to make the decision of what to do with Casey. I want a boy to rub my head and tell me it's okay. To tell me that we're in this together and one way or another, there will be a crib in that other room (once we tear up the poopy carpet). That's all I want as I try not to cry, lest my head actually explode.
It's what I want. And then I remember the FG's words....none of us is promised anything.
My follicle check went well. I had my favorite NP and I have at least three follicles on the left, and five on the right. Whoo-hoo. Keep growing, little follicles. I went to Skaneateles, a beautiful little resort village on one of the Finger Lakes to spend the day at my friend Jenn's house, since I would be going back to the FG's office later in the day.
We played with the kids in the backyard, fed them lunch, and then left them with her husband while we walked around the village and got lunch. Then back to her house to sit by the pool.
About 5pm, I headed back to Syracuse for my first support group meeting. I wasn't sure what to expect, and there were lots of people there that it was their first time, too. Overall, there were about 25 people there (including three husbands). Everyone went around the room and told their story.
I would have expected that to be cathartic. And I'm not sure why the meeting, overall, wasn't. All the sad stories, all the failures should have made me feel like I'm not in it alone, but I think they gave me a hopeless feeling.
trying for three years....trying for five years...miscarriage with twins at 10 weeks...premenopausal at 35...miscarriage at 7 weeks....ready to give up...
Maybe I'm just tired. Like two years worth of tired. I'm tired of talking and rehashing what more we can all do.
Acupuncture. Yoga. Massage. Stress relievers. Meditation. Support groups. Support forums. Therapy. I'm doing all of that. And then we hear -- in the support group and in yoga -- Don't watch TV or read the news -- nothing but negative energy. Read positive books.
And then there's the information that contradicts each other. Don't eat ice cream -- you need to keep your uterus warm. Eat full fat dairy -- it's good for conception.
I've said it before, but I feel like I want to scream it from a mountain top -- it shouldn't be this hard. If it's this hard to reproduce, how did man get this far?
FG said something at the meeting that I took to heart, and I'm sure he meant it in a positive way, because he is nothing if not positive, but he said "none of us is promised anything in life."
And he's right. But is it too much to expect that if I don't get the husband, I can have the baby?
I drove home with a pounding headache, knowing I had to stop at Kohl's to buy a new hair straightener (I noticed in the morning that mine was most likely a fire hazard with frayed cord showing), still feed the neighbor's cats and do my shots and medicine.
If Casey pooped on the floor, I think I might lose it. (My 13-year-old cat has irritable bowel syndrome and sometimes doesn't make it to the litter box or starts there, it hurts and she jumps out. Fortunately, her messes are contained to one room 99% of the time, and she's only ruined the rug in her room.)
I went to Kohl's, the headache is now an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. Go home, take my shot out of the fridge to warm up, go over to Lynne's to feed the cats. Get the mail while the one cat is eating locked up, go back in and let her out. Go home, do my shot, take my meds. Grab something little to eat, check my email and calendar for today. At this point, it's 9pm and my headache is closing in on a 9. Someone is pressing their thumbs into both of my eyes and has a vice around my head.
I go upstairs and see a pile of poo on the floor, a smaller dropping about three feet away, and a little in my room. I start sobbing, not doing any wonders for my headache. Bending over to clean up the floor makes my head explode. I cry harder. I look at the rug shampooer that I leave in Casey's room for nights like this, and lose it. I sit on a stool and sob into my knees.
I clean up the best I can, pour Nature's Miracle on all the spots and cover them with hand towels so I know where they are. Contacts out, Yankees t-shirt on, 800 mg of Ibuprofin, and the lights off. I hold my head, trying to relieve the pressure and fall asleep.
I want a boy to make the decision of what to do with Casey. I want a boy to rub my head and tell me it's okay. To tell me that we're in this together and one way or another, there will be a crib in that other room (once we tear up the poopy carpet). That's all I want as I try not to cry, lest my head actually explode.
It's what I want. And then I remember the FG's words....none of us is promised anything.
Friday, July 17, 2009
It's Time
I went to the doctor this morning and I'm ready. I start shooting up tonight -- 450 units of Gonal-F and go back on Monday. No Lupron this time, I will start on the Ganirelix towards the middle of next week.
I have follicle checks on Monday, Wednesday and Friday next week. So the continuous driving to Syracuse and back starts up again. I'm feeling positive and hopeful.
I have follicle checks on Monday, Wednesday and Friday next week. So the continuous driving to Syracuse and back starts up again. I'm feeling positive and hopeful.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
College Revisited
During my senior year of college, I had two best girl friends, but mostly aligned myself with my guy friends. I learned early on that three girls are trouble. There is always drama, there is always a power struggle, and there is never equal love between the three. Somehow, someway, some variation of two are closer than any other. It's just the way it works.
When I graduated from college and one of these girls got married, I let the inevitable happen and drifted apart from the friendship. It was easier. I never missed the drama, never regretted not keeping in touch with them.
Fifteen years later, Facebook has brought them back into my life, for better or worse. I've kept them at arm's length, exchanging pleasantries, catching up on the last 15 years, and then really not much beyond that. We have our own lives, own priorities, and have, I'm assuming, replaced each other with new friends.
One of the ways I use Facebook with my immediate circle of friends is to keep them updated on doctor appointments and there I am in my current schedule. I keep my status updates pretty vague -- those in the know get it, those who don't know, have no clue.
Recently one of these girls from college sent me an email asking if everything was okay (she'd probably noticed some posts on my FB page that said "sending good thoughts" or something like that), that she was concerned, etc. The email sounded sincere. And if....no, when I get pregnant next month, it will only be a matter of time before I announce it. So I thought about it for a day about how I should answer her.
And finally I just decided to tell her. I told her I'd been trying to get pregnant for the past two-plus years, that all the trips to Syracuse were doctor appointments, this was my last attempt, etc. Not overly dramatic, not a lot of emotional sharing, but still clear that these two years have not been the easiest. And I thanked her for her concern.
And then? Nothing from her. Not a single word. I've seen that she's been on Facebook. Clearly she's read it. And while I had hoped that we've all matured in the past 15 years, the insecure part of me wonders if she is now taking this information and talking it over with the other friend from college.
I told Hope about it today. She told me I have too much faith in people, think too highly their motives and their sincerity, that I should have gone with my gut and my last opinion of her. Should have told her thanks for your concern, everything's okay -- and left it at that.
I should have.
When I graduated from college and one of these girls got married, I let the inevitable happen and drifted apart from the friendship. It was easier. I never missed the drama, never regretted not keeping in touch with them.
Fifteen years later, Facebook has brought them back into my life, for better or worse. I've kept them at arm's length, exchanging pleasantries, catching up on the last 15 years, and then really not much beyond that. We have our own lives, own priorities, and have, I'm assuming, replaced each other with new friends.
One of the ways I use Facebook with my immediate circle of friends is to keep them updated on doctor appointments and there I am in my current schedule. I keep my status updates pretty vague -- those in the know get it, those who don't know, have no clue.
Recently one of these girls from college sent me an email asking if everything was okay (she'd probably noticed some posts on my FB page that said "sending good thoughts" or something like that), that she was concerned, etc. The email sounded sincere. And if....no, when I get pregnant next month, it will only be a matter of time before I announce it. So I thought about it for a day about how I should answer her.
And finally I just decided to tell her. I told her I'd been trying to get pregnant for the past two-plus years, that all the trips to Syracuse were doctor appointments, this was my last attempt, etc. Not overly dramatic, not a lot of emotional sharing, but still clear that these two years have not been the easiest. And I thanked her for her concern.
And then? Nothing from her. Not a single word. I've seen that she's been on Facebook. Clearly she's read it. And while I had hoped that we've all matured in the past 15 years, the insecure part of me wonders if she is now taking this information and talking it over with the other friend from college.
I told Hope about it today. She told me I have too much faith in people, think too highly their motives and their sincerity, that I should have gone with my gut and my last opinion of her. Should have told her thanks for your concern, everything's okay -- and left it at that.
I should have.
Monday, July 13, 2009
The First of the Last
After three weeks on the pill, I was finally able to go back to the doctor this morning. My first appointment of the last round of IVF.
My left uterus -- usually hiding behind my colon and bladder -- was actually behind my uterus. So maybe these massage techniques have been doing something positive. My lining was about 7 or 8 mm thick -- too thick to start the meds tonight. If I started tonight, they're concerned that I won't shed it all when I get my period. So I will call in the next day or two and should be shooting up by the end of the week.
The good news -- Ally found 10 or 11 resting follicles. I have no idea how many I've had in the past, no one has ever told me. But she seemed genuinely excited about it. "We've got to make this month work." And it was nice to hear from her that she's in it with me. Even when she walked in the room, she said she had been thinking of me that morning, knowing that my three weeks were up and I would be in.
After my appointment, I went next door and had my second fertility massage, this time from someone I went to high school with. At first that was a little strange, but she was ultra-professional and was even better than the man I had last week. I liked her technique much better, even though there was some pain involved.
Pain is strong. Discomfort is more like it. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. As I was laying there, I just kept thinking, "suck it up. child birth is going to hurt more."
I hope so.
My left uterus -- usually hiding behind my colon and bladder -- was actually behind my uterus. So maybe these massage techniques have been doing something positive. My lining was about 7 or 8 mm thick -- too thick to start the meds tonight. If I started tonight, they're concerned that I won't shed it all when I get my period. So I will call in the next day or two and should be shooting up by the end of the week.
The good news -- Ally found 10 or 11 resting follicles. I have no idea how many I've had in the past, no one has ever told me. But she seemed genuinely excited about it. "We've got to make this month work." And it was nice to hear from her that she's in it with me. Even when she walked in the room, she said she had been thinking of me that morning, knowing that my three weeks were up and I would be in.
After my appointment, I went next door and had my second fertility massage, this time from someone I went to high school with. At first that was a little strange, but she was ultra-professional and was even better than the man I had last week. I liked her technique much better, even though there was some pain involved.
Pain is strong. Discomfort is more like it. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. As I was laying there, I just kept thinking, "suck it up. child birth is going to hurt more."
I hope so.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Fertility Massage
One of the best parts of a massage is that you're laying on your stomach, hiding the less-than-perfect parts of yourself, exposing your back and getting it rubbed. Fertility massage? Not so much.
I started on my back and he rubbed my stomach. Nothing relaxing about it. He was really digging in, increasing blood flow and circulation to my uterus, and all I could think about was what my stomach looked like after two years of my body getting ready to be pregnant.
And then I realized I was being stupid. At this point, modesty needs to go out the window. And I just need to suck it up and do whatever it takes. He pulled down from my belly button to just above my pubic bone and then over to each pelvic bone. And then pushed up from the belly button in three directions. He rubbed my stomach in a circle, really pushing into it and moving things around. He covered it with a heating pad and then used pressure points (probably the same places I have needles when I get acupuncture) on my neck, shoulders and head.
He did deep pressure circulation stuff on my back too. Really deep. Almost to the point where it hurt. And then I think as just a way to throw me a bone, he rubbed the calves and feet for a few minutes.
Not the usual massage, but very interesting. I have to do the same type of massage on my stomach every night and use a heating pad. And I go back on Monday for another massage after my doctor's appointment. He suggested I continue to be treated with a massage each week up until transfer.
I started on my back and he rubbed my stomach. Nothing relaxing about it. He was really digging in, increasing blood flow and circulation to my uterus, and all I could think about was what my stomach looked like after two years of my body getting ready to be pregnant.
And then I realized I was being stupid. At this point, modesty needs to go out the window. And I just need to suck it up and do whatever it takes. He pulled down from my belly button to just above my pubic bone and then over to each pelvic bone. And then pushed up from the belly button in three directions. He rubbed my stomach in a circle, really pushing into it and moving things around. He covered it with a heating pad and then used pressure points (probably the same places I have needles when I get acupuncture) on my neck, shoulders and head.
He did deep pressure circulation stuff on my back too. Really deep. Almost to the point where it hurt. And then I think as just a way to throw me a bone, he rubbed the calves and feet for a few minutes.
Not the usual massage, but very interesting. I have to do the same type of massage on my stomach every night and use a heating pad. And I go back on Monday for another massage after my doctor's appointment. He suggested I continue to be treated with a massage each week up until transfer.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Sunday, July 05, 2009
My Mood is Better
I'm still on the pill for one more week, but I'm feeling less weepy than even two days ago. I made it through the weekend with little drama.
My niece had her baby yesterday -- a little girl. I'm not sure exactly how to feel about this. I know how I'm supposed to feel, I know how I expected to feel. Mostly I'm indifferent and feel nothing.
I got an email from my sister (her mother) first and then from my niece herself with pictures. In neither email was my brother copied (remember the family drama from last summer). So much for my sister saying that it was all done, move on, no hard feelings, etc.
I think that pissed me off more than feeling sorry for myself that she had a baby. Thanksgiving should be interesting when the Virginia relatives (those who were not invited to the wedding) come home.
And so even with the family drama, and the baby being born, I'm feeling okay. I've got a fertility massage scheduled before yoga on Tuesday. What's a fertility massage? My cynical side says one more way for the FG to make money.
Officially, the website says: A rejuvenating and nurturing treatment utilizing a variety of techniques including Swedish, deep tissue, trigger point therapy, myofascial release, reflexology and cranial sacral. Stimulate your circulation, decrease muscle tension, and renew your well-being. This massage is designed for pre fertility treatment.
I have one scheduled for the following week, as well. No one can tell me that I'm not doing all I can to try to get pregnant.
My niece had her baby yesterday -- a little girl. I'm not sure exactly how to feel about this. I know how I'm supposed to feel, I know how I expected to feel. Mostly I'm indifferent and feel nothing.
I got an email from my sister (her mother) first and then from my niece herself with pictures. In neither email was my brother copied (remember the family drama from last summer). So much for my sister saying that it was all done, move on, no hard feelings, etc.
I think that pissed me off more than feeling sorry for myself that she had a baby. Thanksgiving should be interesting when the Virginia relatives (those who were not invited to the wedding) come home.
And so even with the family drama, and the baby being born, I'm feeling okay. I've got a fertility massage scheduled before yoga on Tuesday. What's a fertility massage? My cynical side says one more way for the FG to make money.
Officially, the website says: A rejuvenating and nurturing treatment utilizing a variety of techniques including Swedish, deep tissue, trigger point therapy, myofascial release, reflexology and cranial sacral. Stimulate your circulation, decrease muscle tension, and renew your well-being. This massage is designed for pre fertility treatment.
I have one scheduled for the following week, as well. No one can tell me that I'm not doing all I can to try to get pregnant.
Friday, July 03, 2009
A "When Harry Met Sally" Lesson
Marie: I don't think he's every going to leave her.
Sally: I know he's never going to leave her.
Marie: You're right, you're right. I know you're right.
Sally: I know he's never going to leave her.
Marie: You're right, you're right. I know you're right.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
The Pill is the Culprit
I'm so glad that I'm neurotic (or anal?) to write everything down. I looked back at my posts the last time I was on the pill. Of course, when I first reread them, it was a good thing because I got pregnant on the cycle following being on the pill.
What I didn't notice was my mood while I was on the pill. I was miserable. And not sad for a little while, but several days on end, miserable. About a week into being on the pill, I was an emotional wreck. Every little thing bothered me.
Fast forward to this month. About a week into being on the pill, the same thing. Last time I was only on for two weeks, this time for three. Should make for fun times.
What I didn't notice was my mood while I was on the pill. I was miserable. And not sad for a little while, but several days on end, miserable. About a week into being on the pill, I was an emotional wreck. Every little thing bothered me.
Fast forward to this month. About a week into being on the pill, the same thing. Last time I was only on for two weeks, this time for three. Should make for fun times.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
