Saturday, October 16, 2010

Angst

And that's really the way I've been feeling since I got back from vacation, for lots of reasons.

The house thing has fallen through. I've pretty much made up my mind that, at this point, I can't afford a house. Actually, I can afford a house. It will just make it very hard to afford day care when the time comes.

And I've got friends who are single mothers, who are all struggling right now. Who's to say that I would be in the same situation, but I think I'm going to feel more comfortable, more stable knowing that I haven't spent beyond my means.

And so I'm starting to look at my current home and figure out where things will go, how I will baby proof, how I will set up furniture in the baby's room. I don't have all the answers, but thankfully (or not) I have lots of time to think about it.

Tomorrow I will be five months on the waiting list. So officially, or unofficially since these are all estimates, I have 11 to 17 months to go for my referral. It seems like forever to wait, but there isn't much I can do about it. I have so few options.

I'm treating myself to a massage tomorrow. I guess that's the plus about not being able to afford a house -- it does give me more breathing room with my money. And given my mood lately, my stress level, my level and hours of insomnia, my restless mind and never ending thoughts, and the fact that very soon, it will be a whole year since Chris and I talked -- I'm going for an 80-minute massage.

There is so much more on my mind, beyond work, beyond the adoption. I learned that the president and a vice president are each expecting their second child in the spring, and the news actually brought me to unexpected tears the other day -- I thought I was beyond that, I really did. I'm feeling things for a friend that I shouldn't, and I'm also confused by it. I need to mull it over in my head more before commenting.

And so all of that going on, all of that brewing in my head, it's no wonder I have been awake on Saturday since 5:15am (and earlier this week went into work having been up since 1:30am -- good times). I'm hoping some time in the sauna, before and after the massage, will help make things right in my head, at least so I can sleep.