Injectables Training

After going through injectable training yesterday, now I know why Jodi recommended the surgery first. Once the surgery is over (it is scheduled for June 11) and I'm clear to try again, I'm going to go through a lot.

On day three of my cycle, I'll begin daily blood work to measure my estrodial level and of course, the ever enjoyable internal ultrasound. And I'll speak to someone from the office each day and they'll tell me how much Gonal-F to inject in my stomach (not as bad as it sounds -- the needle is really small and thin). Every day. Until my levels get to where they need to be and then I'll go in for another internal ultrasound and if I have no more than four mature follicles, I will give myself a shot of hCG, which will induce ovulation, and then I will get inseminated the next day.

And I should be prepared for bloating beyond the bloat I have when I get the shot of hCG. I have to weigh myself every day and really watch my diet since I could possibly gain as much as 10 pounds from the medicine and that would be an indication of my ovaries going into hyper-stimulation and then shutting down. On the bright side, the belly fat (that I've gained from the Clomid) really is a side effect of the Clomid and hopefully it shouldn't be as bad with the Gonal-F.

And I should be prepared to not go on vacation since I will be the hospital lab's best patient and will need to be in daily contact with the doctor's office so I know what dosage to give myself with the Gonal-F pen.

My chances of multiples goes up (5% for triplets, 20-30% for twins), but with that, my chances of conceiving just one also goes up. It's about at 50-60% now. I can live with those odds.

Tie-Dye

I had the dye test done the other day -- or more officially a hysterosalpingogram. They told me there would be some discomfort. Who knew that pushing a little radioactive dye through a catheter, through my cervix and into my uterus could be so painful?! The worst cramps I have ever had, times 10. But as soon as it was over, I felt fine.

The test showed that, once they really pushed the dye through, my left fallopian tube opened right up. So there may have been some blockage and the dye swept it away. On the right side, the dye went through in a very thin line, indicating that there could be some blockage or that the tube had a spasm from the contractions and cramps.

My choices, as given to me then, were to go ahead with the injectable hormones and if, if three months, I'm not pregnant, I should go ahead and have the laparoscopy. I asked the doctor what she would recommend if I were her daughter, and she said she didn't know, that she could go either way, that it was a personal preference. I knew when she said to "go home and talk to your husband about it" that she wasn't going to help me make this decision.

So I talked to one of the nurse practitioners that I've been working with for the past year. And Jodi said if she were me, if I were her daughter, she would say have the surgery. Why spend the money, why go through the shots, the ultrasounds, the blood work, when we don't know if all conditions are optimal for getting pregnant? That's what I wanted to hear -- someone to give me an opinion. It was the way I was leaning and thinking, but I needed someone with a medical background to validate it.

I'm still waiting for the office to call me to schedule it, but it will be sometime in the middle of June. I go in for injectables training on Tuesday so that when we are ready to do the next IUI, I'll be prepared.

I met with the doctor again yesterday and she went over the procedure and the risks, and what they'll be looking for. When they go in, they'll either see that everything is okay or if it's not, they'll try to scrape off or blow out anything that's hanging onto the tube that shouldn't. And in the rare case that they can't unblock the tube, they'll take it out, and I'll only work with my left ovary and tube to get pregnant.

It's a lot to take in. Even though it's in and out surgery, it's still surgery. But hopefully it's one step closer to getting what I want.

Walking All my Problems Away

I walked tonight -- and it felt great. I've realized -- and it's very hard to admit -- that I've been using the fertility drugs and drama as a crutch to be unmotivated, to be the full blame of the weight gain.

Part of me hates myself for gaining it back, part of me wants to go back to the obsessive person I was (and really what's so bad about being obsessive about being healthy)...but then part of me knows that's not right.

So I've made a deal with myself, and I will use a full key people to hold me accountable (this blog included). The gym on campus that I go to during the year is closed for the summer, it reopens at the end of August.

I have no idea how many days it is between now and then -- I'll figure it out later. But between now and then, I will work out (whether at the fitness center with the students -- ewww, walking my hills at home, walking the track at school, or something else)....I will work out for at least 30 minutes, 100 times this summer. If that means I have to do two-a-days, I will.

I'm not going to kid myself into thinking I can get back to the physical shape I was in two years ago, that's too daunting of a task. But I can walk, I can use the elliptical -- and those are things that I can (and should) do if I get pregnant.

So...I'm going to count my walk on Saturday. Two down, 98 to go.

That Girl

I want to be this girl again. And I don't know how to find her. Not that I want to be reliant on Chris or his opinion. I want to be that girl, that beautiful girl, who felt so good about the way she looked.

I want to be that girl who worked out two hours a day -- and not only loved every minute of it, but couldn't wait to go to the gym the next day.

I even want to be that girl who weighed herself two, three times a day.

It makes me sad that I'm having such a hard time finding her, that I'd rather come home and hibernate, and think about not being that girl, or even a girl who's about to be a mom.

It's a gray rainy Monday -- and my mood reflects it. I'm hoping for a better Tuesday.

Dream Another Dream

I think I've mentioned this before, but it happened again last night. I had a dream about someone I went to high school with. It happens about three or four times a year. Kevin just shows up, as a guest star, in my dreams.

Last night, I was driving somewhere in Syracuse, and I saw him walking with Bruno (which in itself is bizarre, because Kevin was a high school friend and Bruno was college). Somehow we lost Bruno and I ended up giving Kevina ride home. I was four months pregnant and just starting to show. I remember having my hand on my stomach and him asking if I was expecting.

Then suddenly, we were at my current house in Ithaca and I had a six-month old daughter. And then the cat meowed and woke me up.

I wouldn't think it was so weird, if I didn't continually dream about him. Last I knew he was working in politics, dividing his time between Rochester and Albany. But that was when I lived in Rochester, which hasn't happened since 1999.

I looked him up on Linked In (sort of like Facebook or mySpace for professionals) but no luck. I even went so far as to google him, but struck out there as well.

I don't know what I'm hoping to accomplish -- it's not like if I found him, I would contact him and tell him I've been dreaming about him.

Part of me is wondering if there is some deeper meaning to this? Some sort of fate? Or if it's really just random?

Clear Sailing?

So an update on the baby news....I spoke with my nurse practitioner this afternoon. The doctor wants me to go in and have a dye test on my fallopian tubes, so I'll do that next Tuesday, and then take the day off. They said there would be cramping and that I should take 4 to 5 200 mg of Advil about an hour before the test. Great!

If the tubes are clear then we'll do a couple cycles of IUI (same as I've been doing) with the injectable hormones (which triples my baseline levels). I have injectable training scheduled for the day after Memorial Day. And I have a list of questions to go over with her when I do that -- side effects, disposal of needles, etc.

If the tubes aren't clear, I didn't ask, but I'm assuming that we just jump right to IVF. I have to go in and meet with the doctor on Thursday, so she'll go over everything with me. And I'll have a list of questions for her, too.

Stay tuned.

It only hurts now...

Last summer, when I told my nieces that I was about to embark on this baby project, I told Erica (the one who is getting married next month, the wedding that is the source of such family drama) that if this first attempt (last August) worked, that I would have a baby for her wedding.

Her response: "You better not steal my thunder."

I shrugged it off. She's a bride-to-be; of course she's thinking that way. However, as the months of negative tests progressed, that statement stuck in my head. Each month, it was as if her statement was like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And so, on my last chance to be pregnant for her wedding (I've long given up on the dream of having a baby to show off to my out-of-town relatives), it has failed again. I found out on Friday that the test was negative.

It felt awful. Painful. Gloomy. I left work early. My eyes were so raw from crying so hard in my office, I just didn't have the strength to go to a web team meeting that afternoon. And so I went home, sat under a blanket and watched "Days of Our Lives" and "Law and Order." By 5:30 or so, I was feeling less like a hermit and actually got up and got some things accomplished.

It still hurts. It's still a painful, dull ache inside of me, but each day gets a little better. And I have to believe that I'm still moving forward, still working toward the goal of getting pregnant.

I Either Am or I'm Not

Tomorrow I go in for my blood work and by tomorrow afternoon, I'll know if this insemination worked. I told my mom that the test wasn't until Monday. Last month she knew the exact date of the test and drove me crazy in the days leading up to it. When I told her it was Monday, her response, "oh...I thought we'd have something to celebrate on Sunday."

I can't help her deal with her disappointment when I'm dealing with my own. And I don't know how to tell her that without hurting her feelings.

So tomorrow it will either be....

Oh my god, I'm pregnant. Finally. It worked. I'm going to have a baby. I'm going to be someone's mom. It was worth the frustration, the emotional roller coaster, the hormone shots, the weight gain, the drives to Horseheads every two weeks, the ultrasounds, the blood work....it was all worth it.

OR

I'm not pregnant. Again. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I know it takes time. I know that there are people out there who have tried to get pregnant for much longer than me, who are still trying to get pregnant. Two weeks ago, I was filled with hope, with the promise that this might take this time, and if it didn't, I can pursue the adoption angle a little more. Right now, there's no hope. It's all dark. It's frustrating and I want to know what I've done, so horrible, in my life, that I don't deserve to be this kind of happy.

I'm hoping for the first paragraph, but self-pity and crying on a Friday afternoon are just not my idea of fun.

Yes/No

Borrowing this from Nina because I can only say how nervous I am for my blood test so many times.

YES/NO GAME RULES ARE AS FOLLOWS:

You can only say yes or no. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks!

Over 18? Yes
Danced in front of your mirror naked? No
Ever told a lie? Yes
Been arrested? No
Kissed a picture? Yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
Held an actual snake? Yes
Have YOU Ever run a red light? Yes
Ever drink and drive? Yes
Been suspended from school? No
Ever been fired from a job? No
Totaled a car/motorbike in an accident? Yes
Sang karaoke? No
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes
Ever laughed until you wet yourself? Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
Kissed in the rain? No
Sang in the shower? Yes
Sat on a rooftop? Yes
Thought about your past with regret? Yes
Been pushed in the pool with your clothes on? Yes
Shaved your head? No
Blacked out from drinking? Yes
Had a gym membership? Yes
Been in a band? No
Shot a gun? Yes
Liked someone with nobody else knowing about it? Yes
Played strip poker? No
Been to a strip joint? Yes
Donated Blood? Yes
Liked someone you shouldn't? Yes
Have a tattoo? Yes
Have or had any piercings besides ears? No
Made out with a complete stranger? Yes
Caught someone cheating on you? No
Skinny dipped? Yes
Regret any of your ex's? Yes
Been to a rodeo? No
Been to a NASCAR race? No
Been in Love? Yes

I'm off to the outlet mall. Have a good weekend.

Six Times and Plan B

I go in tomorrow for a follicle check. I can feel the pressure in my lower abdomen, so I know they're growing. Hopefully they've grown enough and the ultrasound will be good tomorrow.

If that's the case, I will go in Wednesday for my sixth IUI. I changed the baby daddy again. This will be my third different one. I used baby daddy 1 for the first two attempts, and they suggested I switch because maybe there was an incompatibility. He was the music student at Berkeley in Boston.

Then for attempts 3, 4 and 5, I used the marketing professor at Johnson and Wales. Before attempt 5, I was looking through the donor registry and noticed a new person on there. I liked his profile and held on to his donor number, but stayed with baby daddy 2 for my attempt in March.

And so for this one, I'm going with the criminal justice major at Northeastern, the one who wrote in the "statement to recipient": Tomorrow could be the greatest day of your life.

I've been tossing it around in my head, what I will do if this attempt doesn't work. Part of the time, I want to give up. I want to get my body back to a size 12 and be done with the hormones, the being tired, the spare tire around my waist. And then part of me isn't ready to give up on maternity clothes, and feeling my baby kick. So I'll keep going, and if that means IVF and giving myself daily shots, then that's what it is.

But what I don't want to happen is that I've been trying for a year, and then I'm suddenly 39 and I've got nothing, so I've pulled out the adoption paperwork. I've gone through it, I've talked to my friend's sister who works in the adoption field, and next Saturday, I'm going to Rochester to a conference on international adoption. I can start that process while I'm trying this way. And hopefully it won't come to that, but it may. And in the end, that will be okay, I think.

Family Drama, Part Deux

Again, I have to go back to the family drama -- it's all anyone can talk about or think about, and no one is saying anything to the person that should be spoken to about it.

And so I wrote this letter to my niece. Initially it made me feel worse, it was draining, but now I feel better. And maybe she'll never read it, and maybe, just maybe, I will mail it to her after her wedding.

Dear Erica,

I don’t know what happened that day that David asked you and Nathaniel about your plans as you were approaching the end of your two-week stay. But I do know what happened two weeks earlier when he invited you and Nathaniel into his home. And you know what happened, no matter how much you try to spin the story to your benefit. He told you that you were welcome to stay as long as you needed, and that Nathaniel was welcome to stay for two weeks.

Harsh? Maybe, but he was your boyfriend, not your husband, not even your fiancée, at that point. And it was their home, they could create any guidelines they chose – it was your choice to agree to them. And agree you did, as I witnessed that August day. You thanked them and said something to the effect of “that would be great.”

And whatever transpired that day, I’m sure there were things said on both sides that were immediately regretted. However, for you to paint yourself as the victim, for you to imply that David would throw you two out on the streets, is ridiculous.

But you know, what’s done is done. We had Grandma and Grandpa’s anniversary party a few months later, and David was the bigger person and came over to you and hugged you.

And we all thought – you know, it’s over. Whatever, water under the bridge.

And now, three years later, all the hurt feelings come back to the surface. And even more people get to be hurt by your actions. Your aunts and uncles, who should be feeling nothing but happiness on your wedding day for you, are upset that they won’t be seeing their brother. Your aunt and uncle, who helped you when your own boyfriend couldn’t be bothered to (remember the car accident?), are being slapped in the face for their generosity and your selfishness.

I can’t help but recall a conversation that I had with your sister a few weeks after the initial incident. She defended you, as only a good sister would, and said, “why can’t anyone give her the benefit of the doubt that she misunderstood what the arrangement was?” Okay, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, you misunderstood. He corrected the misunderstanding.

Why did you sneak away in the middle of the day while they were at work? Why did you never apologize or even thank them for what they’d done for you? Why have you not been able to forgive them for their part in the misunderstanding? No, your actions regarding your wedding and the invite list only shows me that you understood perfectly what the arrangement was, and you chose to handle it in the absolute wrong way.

You may not have handled that situation in 2005 correctly, but you had the opportunity to make it all right. And what did you do? You created an even larger chasm in the family. By not inviting Dave and Debbie to your wedding, it is not only mean, but cruel.

You may have youth on your side now, and maybe you can be forgiven for your foolishness because of that, but you will never be able to undo this. You will never be able to give your mother and her brother the relationship they once had.

A Yankee in Red Sox Nation

I turned 38 on Sunday -- most of my friends forgot. I'm starting to not like birthdays anymore.

I had an ultrasound on Sunday morning -- the cyst got smaller, so today is day 3 of the Clomid. I go in next Tuesday for a follicle check and then Wednesday for the insemination, if everything looks good on Tuesday.

I'm off to Boston for two days for work. Driving up today, back tomorrow.

Good Work if You Can Get It

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Thanks Nina -- I knew I was good, I didn't know I was that good!

Time Heals All Wounds

Or so they say. And I have to admit, they're kind of right. I'm back on the horse. I went to the doctor this morning for an ultrasound. I have two cysts, one is small enough to not worry about; the other is just 20cm. Anything over 20cm, and they have me rest that month.

I don't know if they normally do this, or it's because I'm such an emotional wreck the months they have me rest, but they're having me go back on Sunday, which would be day 5 of my cycle and see if the cyst has regressed any. Even 1cm and I would be allowed to try again this month.

So, on my 38th birthday, I will get my second ultrasound in five days, to find out if my little womb can try again this month.

Again

As I suspected, I'm not pregnant. It's getting harder, not easier, to do this each month. And I'm so torn about what to do. And so I went to the gym last night, and then went home and did what I do best. I made a spreadsheet.

I think I've decided that while I'm figuring out the best international program for me, I will try one more time. That way, I'm moving toward the goal down two different paths.

The adoption thing is tough. I feel like I'm shopping for a car. I have parameters about price, and how many trips and the length of those trips the government requires, and how long it takes to be matched with a baby -- and it feels tacky, like I'm looking at whether I want heated seats or a sun roof.

It shouldn't be this hard. But then again, maybe it should.

I Shouldn't Have

PS.....I took a pregnancy test when I got home tonight. It came out negative. And while the doctor told me that a urine test would be inaccurate, I think it's more that I could get a false positive. I don't think I could get a false negative.

I think I did it, because I wanted to prepare myself for the negative tomorrow, especially since I will be at work when I get the call.

sigh...it could be a long night and morning, until I get the call.

Not Long Now

I go for my blood test tomorrow. Unlike any other month, I'm not scared. Usually when I get to this point, I suddenly get scared. But this month, today, I'm not. Maybe it's because I have been pretty good at having a "whatever" attitude this month, or maybe because I'm resigned to the fact that this might be my last attempt.

I've decided that this is taking too much of a toll on me -- physically and emotionally. I have the adoption paperwork on my dining room table, and tonight, I'm going to make piles and read through things more thoroughly than I did when I received it all.

And maybe, just maybe, I can get back my -- while certainly not skinny -- my fit body back.

If it's even possible...

...."the girls" feel like they are getting bigger. (And that's saying a lot as they are 36DD.)

Am I imagining it, hopeful for any sign of a positive pregnancy test? Quite possibly. It stinks that PMS symptoms and pregnancy symptoms are pretty similar.

I've got five days to go. If I'm not, and it goes like last month, I will get my period on Saturday night. If I'm not, and it goes like two months ago, I won't get my period until after I stop taking the progesterone.

I go for my blood test on Monday, and will find out at work.

Sometimes Family Really Sucks

My niece is getting married in June, and I just found out that my brother and sister-in-law from Virginia will not be invited. It's upsetting, because no matter the hurt feelings over the situation that occurred in 2005, and no matter how justified my niece feels in not inviting them, it's the wrong thing to do. And for my sister to not step in and tell Erica that they should be invited is even more disturbing.

I don't think Erica realizes the consequences, realizes how petty or small she looks. This is family. At the end of the day, that's who you have. And to hear the hurt in my sister-in-law's voice all over again, three years after that awful situation, just tears me up, because more than anyone in my pretty big family, they are the ones who would -- and have -- go out of their way to help someone.

It's just really shitty. And while we'll all smile and play nice in June, the fact that there are three someones missing will put a damper, and a little bit of ugliness, on the day.

Happy Opening Night (and day, tomorrow)

Finally -- baseball. It'll be nice to lay in bed tonight and fall asleep to the sounds of a cracking bat, cheering fans, and Jon Miller and Joe Morgan's voices.

I feel like my weekend is just starting and it's already over. I had to work until about 8 on Friday night, and I was back on campus at 8:30 yesterday morning. I think I got home about 11 last night. We had an academic conference on the works of Rod Serling (he used to teach at the college).

It was very fun, but a lot of work, and a lot of standing on my feet all day, something I'm not used to doing for 10 and 11 hours at a time. I taught some of the professors my term for over-zealous fans -- foamers. We used that word a lot when I worked in Baltimore. Foamers, as in those who foam at the mouth for athletes, or as was the case this weekend, Rod Serling. More specifically, the Twilight Zone and to a lesser degree, Planet of the Apes.

They were interesting folks for sure, and then I wondered, oh my god, is that what I sound like when I talk about Babe Ruth. Maybe, but I hope not.