Family Drama, Part Deux

Again, I have to go back to the family drama -- it's all anyone can talk about or think about, and no one is saying anything to the person that should be spoken to about it.

And so I wrote this letter to my niece. Initially it made me feel worse, it was draining, but now I feel better. And maybe she'll never read it, and maybe, just maybe, I will mail it to her after her wedding.

Dear Erica,

I don’t know what happened that day that David asked you and Nathaniel about your plans as you were approaching the end of your two-week stay. But I do know what happened two weeks earlier when he invited you and Nathaniel into his home. And you know what happened, no matter how much you try to spin the story to your benefit. He told you that you were welcome to stay as long as you needed, and that Nathaniel was welcome to stay for two weeks.

Harsh? Maybe, but he was your boyfriend, not your husband, not even your fiancée, at that point. And it was their home, they could create any guidelines they chose – it was your choice to agree to them. And agree you did, as I witnessed that August day. You thanked them and said something to the effect of “that would be great.”

And whatever transpired that day, I’m sure there were things said on both sides that were immediately regretted. However, for you to paint yourself as the victim, for you to imply that David would throw you two out on the streets, is ridiculous.

But you know, what’s done is done. We had Grandma and Grandpa’s anniversary party a few months later, and David was the bigger person and came over to you and hugged you.

And we all thought – you know, it’s over. Whatever, water under the bridge.

And now, three years later, all the hurt feelings come back to the surface. And even more people get to be hurt by your actions. Your aunts and uncles, who should be feeling nothing but happiness on your wedding day for you, are upset that they won’t be seeing their brother. Your aunt and uncle, who helped you when your own boyfriend couldn’t be bothered to (remember the car accident?), are being slapped in the face for their generosity and your selfishness.

I can’t help but recall a conversation that I had with your sister a few weeks after the initial incident. She defended you, as only a good sister would, and said, “why can’t anyone give her the benefit of the doubt that she misunderstood what the arrangement was?” Okay, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, you misunderstood. He corrected the misunderstanding.

Why did you sneak away in the middle of the day while they were at work? Why did you never apologize or even thank them for what they’d done for you? Why have you not been able to forgive them for their part in the misunderstanding? No, your actions regarding your wedding and the invite list only shows me that you understood perfectly what the arrangement was, and you chose to handle it in the absolute wrong way.

You may not have handled that situation in 2005 correctly, but you had the opportunity to make it all right. And what did you do? You created an even larger chasm in the family. By not inviting Dave and Debbie to your wedding, it is not only mean, but cruel.

You may have youth on your side now, and maybe you can be forgiven for your foolishness because of that, but you will never be able to undo this. You will never be able to give your mother and her brother the relationship they once had.