$500 and 5 pounds...a month at a time

Or I could call this post "Random Updates"

I figured if I can lose 5 pounds a month until I get my referral, then I will have lost in excess of 60 pounds. That allows for some holiday and vacation ups and downs, and is totally doable.

Working out has been great. I'm back in the groove, sweating and loving it. And with the exception of a little blip last week when I was bloated and retaining and having my period and gained a little bit of weight, I have lost almost 7 pounds in four weeks. Goal #1 met for this month.

I also figured that I need to save $500 a month (either savings or from the raffle income) to put me close to my goal. I really need to save more, but I know that $500 is reasonable, doable and some months exceedable. (I know that's not a word, but it works here.)

Friday will mark my four-month wait on the waiting list. And it puts me at exactly a year to a year-and-a-half of waiting left. A very long time, but time I need to become a little more healthy. To become a little more wealthy.

I am also half-way through my three-month experiment on eHarmony. They jury is still out. There is talk of meeting someone for coffee after work on Thursday, but until it's confirmed and I'm sitting there with the handsome stranger sipping some hot cocoa or hot cider (I'm not a coffee drinker) will I say that progress has been made. Call me a cynic, but I've had too many disappointments. I won't set myself up for another.

I did hear from E last week. He was hosting a MNF thing at a sports bar in Albany. I asked if it was an FYI or an invite.

"both, but I'm not staying over."

What to do? I stroked his ego and let him down. I was not going to drive three hours one way to spend an evening in a bar while he was working and hanging out with 500 other people.

We went back and forth, and in the end, I got an "I'd love to see you. When you get back from vacation?"

So, when I get back from vacation, I'll need to figure out how to fit in a visit with him.

And so yea, vacation.....I'm headed to the Yankees game on Friday night and then a week in Richmond, relaxing, napping, walking the dogs, and some more napping.

I'll try to post from vacation, but if not, I promise to be better on the other side.

27 Dresses

There's a part in that movie, when James Marsden asks Katherine Heigl why she does it, why she's in so many weddings, wearing so many hideous dresses, going out of her way for all of these people in her life. And her answer?

Because they're her friends, and she wants to be there for them, because she knows when it's her turn, they'll all be there for her.

I've been thinking about that lately. Certainly that wasn't my intent when I did things, when I bought girl scout cookies, or magazine subscriptions, or candy bars, or raffle tickets, or donated for this walk or that walk. I did it because they're my friends or family and I wanted to support them and their interests.

And so was it too much to think, to expect, that the same friends would be there for me? I've got some amazing people -- selling hundreds of dollars in tickets, donating items, selling their chicken's eggs and giving me the money, and even as simple as buying $5 or $10 or $20 worth of tickets.

And then there are others, who are seemingly ignoring me. Ignoring emails about the adoption, are blind to my multiple FB posts and tweets.

And they're people who I always thought I could count on. Brothers and sisters, closest friends. It's so disappointing.

Oh No, What Have I Done?

I figured I have a long time before I get my referral. And we all know how I can tend to obsess and focus too much on one thing. So I need to do things for me. I can't be thinking, sleeping, and breathing this adoption. Not yet.

So I'm slowly getting back to doing good things for me. I only went to the gym one night this week, but I've actually worked out every night. I forgot how much I love walking near my house. I have a great hill nearby. And with work being so busy, I don't ever get to go outside during the day. So going to the gym right from the office -- not what I really want to do, stay inside more.

I would carry that attitude into the gym with me, and have no motivation. Monday, I didn't have my gym bag with me because I had been planning to go to Syracuse after work to see my mom (she had surgery last week), but she was being released from the hospital and sounded so much better than the day before, there was no reason for me to go up.

So I came home and walked. It was great. The endorphins carried over into the next few days and I felt like my eating was under control. Which made me feel like wanting to work out the next night. It was a vicious cycle, in only the best way. And, I stepped on the scale this morning and have nearly hit 14 pounds.

Again, more good thoughts to make me want to walk. So this week, five nights in a row. And eating when I'm hungry. Making good choices. Thinking about eating, not just eating. It's all good. Let's hope I can keep up this momentum.

Which brings me to the other part of my "focus on me" plan. I joined eHarmony. Again.

I know. I know. I said I never would again. But really and truly, I want to give this a go. And if by the end of the three months, nothing, then I am done and will continue to date married men. (Kidding!)

We'll see where things go.

My biggest conundrum is when to bring up the adoption thing? Not really first phone call conversation. Not really first date conversation. But what happens if I get too far in and then it's like, oh shit I should have told him months ago.

I guess I'll wait to see if I get past the first or second date. That would be something new with the online dating thing. For me, anyway.

I'm not telling anyone -- well I told Bubbles, and now I'm telling you all. God help me, what have I done?

This could end either very good or very bad. Stay tuned.

Things that go bump in the night

I saw a picture of Christina Applegate and her baby bump today and was overcome with a brief moment of sadness. And then it was gone. But it was there.

I guess I'm not as over it all as I thought. Not over the fact that I won't ever get pregnant. I always knew that I would adopt, even if I got pregnant and had a biological child. And so the two things are almost compartmentalized away from each other.

Adopting a child is not the back-up for having a baby, so knowing that I will have a baby soon doesn't erase all of the hurt of not getting pregnant. Does that make sense?

A little bit of this, a little bit of that....

The Return of E

So a few days after texting to tell me he was going to be on the radio, he texted me to ask how I was, how was my social life, how was work? Just like that. I told him social life had had its ups and downs, work was insane, other than that, all was good.

I gave him the 10 words or less version of Chris, and he told me he was a loser. I agreed. I asked how he was, and of course he changed the subject and somehow our conversations picked up right where it left off.

Not sure how. Not sure where's he been. Although I do wonder, if in fact he and his wife are back together (it was my theory as to why thing suddenly cooled off between us), that the Steve Phillips incident could have been a little too close to home. Who knows?

We texted a little this past week, and he asked if we could get together "next week." I told him that would be tough, what about the week after? Haven't heard from him yet. We'll see what this week brings.

Adoption Update

I am officially two months into my wait (notice my cute little teddy bear counter to the right). And I should be reaching 25% of my fund-raising goals by the end of the summer. Not bad for an autographed picture from someone on a team with less than 30 wins, eh?

I went to a picnic yesterday, sponsored by the agency that performed my home study (and who will do my post-placement evaluations). It was fun to see other kids with their families, and actually be able to see myself in that situation. Not like going to the FG's office with women who had babies or very pregnant bellies. That was its own special kind of torture.

But as hopeful as it was to see these families, it also reminded me that I am so far away. Two months into a 16 to 22 month wait. Ugh. By now, ya'll should know I have NO patience.

The good news about the picnic -- I met another single woman. She just brought her little girl home five months ago from Ethiopia. I have a friend. Someone who knows exactly what I'm going through. The infertility. The singledom. The adoption.

Exhaustion

Work has been insane. Still. My new boss did start on Monday, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel (and it's not an oncoming train), but it's still hectic. I'm still in a bunch of meetings. Still mentally exhausted at the end of the day.

Needless to say, Couch to 5K has been abandoned. For now. I'm hoping to pick it up again in a few weeks. I think my knees will appreciate it -- and I will have more success -- if I can lose a few more pounds before doing much more running. That's the plan anyway.

I'm hovering between having lost 10 and 13 pounds. Still haven't dropped a pants size -- baby belly still in place. *sigh someday I'll get there.

My niece just got engaged (yeah!), so I'm hoping that that date in the future will be my new "focus on the prize" milestone. For me and my sister-in-law. I would love to be able to wear a backless dress and show off my tattoo.

The Absence of J

I haven't heard from him since I left him hanging, with the fact that I was wearing a Jeter t-shirt and nothing else, but needed to go back to sleep. Not that I haven't thought about him. And not that I haven't thought about texting him after a beer or two. But I've been good. I haven't reached out. That's not to say I don't miss him. I do.

I may shoot him an email (during the day, strictly professional) at the end of the month, to let him know how well I did with the Markakis photo during the raffle.

Luckier than I Thought

Or at least in a better position than most. All this time, I thought I couldn't possibly afford the adoption, that it was not the responsible thing to do, on and on I worried (and still worry) about how I will come up with the additional $20,000 I need.

Through the wonder of the internet, I've been put in touch with other people adopting from Ethiopia, other people who have blogs and are doing their own fund-raising. And their process is stalled because they need to raise more money. Can't get fingerprints until I raise this much. Ready to submit my home study but need another of this much. Dossier complete bur still need more money.

I was so fortunate to have a little Uncle Henry money socked away, not to mention the additional money from my interim position. I was able to cruise through final applications, USCIS application and fingerprinting, and dossier submission.

It reminds me of all that I have been through and all that I got through, and I remember that I can do this too.

Happy 4th of July Weekend

I saw Lucia on Friday afternoon, to get some advice and grounding about the upcoming family birthday party in Syracuse. I would be seeing more of my brothers and sisters, more of those I have felt hurt by for ignoring the email I sent a few weeks ago.

She made me realize that being inconsiderate is not the same thing as being malicious, which is how I was feeling. That is to say, I was feeling intentionally hurt by their actions. And I know that's not the case. She encouraged me to bring it up myself.

I told her I would try. And I kept in mind what she said. The afternoon started out a little strange, because I had not attended the 1st birthday party of my great-niece the day before. It was in Watertown, a four-hour drive for me. It would have been too much to do Watertown and back in one day, just to go back up for my great-nephew's birthday party the next day.

True, I could have stayed in Syracuse the entire weekend, but I had shit to do. I rely on the weekends to run errands, and clean the house, and give my brain a little down time, especially with all that is going on at work. And so I emailed my niece to say I couldn't make the party, would she be at Jenny's the next day, and that I would send my present with someone else.

So back to Jenny's on Sunday...there was definite weirdness and it could all been my projecting on other people, because it felt like an elephant in the room. I wanted someone to say something about it to me, but they didn't. They talked about it around me.

And my oldest sister, the grandmother of the birthday girl, barely spoke to me. I'm sure she was offended that I made it Andrew's party and not Lauren's. Again, I could be projecting, imagining, whatever...I stayed clear of her as much as possible.

I spent most of the day outside with my niece's sister-in-law and my sister-in-law watching the kids run through the sprinklers and play on the swing set. And when I got my courage, I did it. I did what Lucia suggested. And I said to Sally, "did you get my email a few weeks ago? About the adoption?"

"Yea, I'm waiting to buy raffle tickets because I want the September prize."

"Oh, I wasn't asking because I was worried about the raffle tickets, I just never heard from anyone. No one responded that it was great news or horrible news, so I didn't know how anyone felt about it...."

"Well, it wasn't a surprise, I knew you were adopting."

And just like that, the hurt dissolved. And what Lucia said was right...being inconsiderate, or even in this case, not realizing a response was necessary, is not malicious.

The Wisdom of Bubbles

It doesn't matter that my brothers and sisters haven't gotten back to me. It doesn't matter that they've ignored the email my mother sent out as a follow up to mine.

It doesn't matter that I'm hurt, again, by them.

It doesn't matter that they are seemingly ignoring the biggest thing in my life.

The only that matters is this biggest thing in my life, this little baby who will someday be mine.

It only matters that I am the type of person who can let go of hurt feelings, who can let go of the bitterness, so that I can be a good mom, a good role model. The kind of person I want to be for that little baby.

Bubbles reminded me of this, and once again reminded me how lost I would be without her.

The Week that Was....

It started out shitty. I was an emotional wreck on Monday and Tuesday, literally crying for no reason a few times. I finally got my period on Wednesday, which helped my emotional stability slightly.

Wednesday night I slept awful. Itchy-twitchy legs all night as I tried to fall asleep (itchy-twitchy is my version of reckless leg syndrome). Thursday I left work early, drove to Syracuse to meet my brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew for dinner and then my niece's high school graduation. And then turned right around and drove back home.

Friday I realized that I'm exhausted. Not just from the shitty week, the emotional week, the lack of sleep and driving 150 miles in four hours. But from work -- I've been doing two jobs since December and three since early May.

I was too tired to go to they gym tonight after church, but am hoping that blowing it off tonight, getting a good night's sleep and waiting until tomorrow will mean that I have lots of energy for the treadmill.

Added to all that is the fact that I still haven't heard from any of my siblings since I sent the email about my adoption nearly two weeks ago. Add insult to the fact that I went to dinner with two of the people who got the email, and saw another, on Thursday night. Not one word.

My mother became momma bear this morning and sent out an email to my siblings telling them I needed their support. We'll see how far that goes.

Cranky Ellie

I'm not sure why, but I woke up in a foul mood. My stomach hurts. I feel bloated. I'm tired. I feel fat. My period is a few days overdue. And at any moment I could literally burst into tears.

A nice day to stay in bed. Or least, hibernate in my office.

But unfortunately I am in a meeting from 8:30 to 1:00, and then meetings from 1:00 to 2:00 and 2:30 to 4:00.

Ugh....if I don't snap someone's neck or cry today, it will be a miracle.

I found out yesterday that, due to the policy change requiring two trips to Ethiopia, they have raised some rates. An additional $1,000 overall. But that's not really bothering me. At this point, what's an extra $1,000 when I'm paying $26,000?

It all seems so abstract to me -- having to have that much disposable money. It doesn't seem possible.

Happy Father's Day

I can say that without being too sad. Although I just read a heart-breaking account from another blogger I read and how she bought two cards for her husband for today. It got me to thinking about how my child -- whenever he or she arrives -- will most likely not have a father. It will just be the two of us.

Certainly, things may change. I'm certainly open to getting married someday, I'm just not counting on it anymore. I just hope that I will be enough. I will have to be, I guess.

I had a great weekend in Syracuse, with my niece and her two boys. Garage sale, playing outside, sunburn, hot weather, sprinkler on the gym set to make a "water slide," and lots of hugs and kisses. I can't wait for them to meet their new cousin.

Last Tuesday, I sent an email to the rest of my siblings. The rest of = those I'm not in touch with on a daily or weekly basis, those who I told I was trying to get pregnant and then never heard from again. Rather than giving them the courtesy and showing them the importance of their opinion or support of me by giving them individual phone calls, I sent one email.

As you all know, I tried for nearly three years to get pregnant. It wasn't in the cards, and after much disappointment, I've decided to move on. And knowing that my fertility issues were as serious as they were, I began the paperwork for international adoption as I went through my last year of fertility treatment.

As of May 17, all of my paperwork is in, my FBI clearance came through, and I am officially on a very long waiting list for a baby.

As you may not know, international adoption is extremely expensive. When it's all said and done, my adoption costs will exceed $26,000 (and probably be closer to $30,000).

The good news about the very long waiting list -- they are now estimating 16 to 22 months -- is that it gives me plenty of time to save and raise money. I am applying for adoption-specific grants, and my friends have helped organize a raffle as one fund-raiser, and we have just started selling raffle tickets.

If you are interested in helping sell some as well -- or just want to buy some -- let me know. Tickets are $5 each or 5 for $20, and the list of prizes for the monthly drawings can be found on the website I've set up....

Thanks in advance for your help.

--Ellie

I'd like to say that I'm surprised that I've heard from none of them. But I'm not. I wish I could say I wasn't hurt. But I am.

What I have learned is that I've realized over the last three years is that no matter how important family, friends are just as important, if not more.

Kind of a rambling post, I know. I'll try to have a more cohesive brain later in the week. Until then, happy new week.

July Raffle

I've officially started selling raffle tickets to go towards my adoption expenses -- at my last estimate, figuring the two trips to Africa, it will cost me in excess of $26,000! My friends have been awesome in helping me -- posting things to Facebook, sending out emails to their address books.

And recently my friend Claudia has started selling the eggs from her free-range chickens at work, with the majority of the money going to the adoption fund.

Our biggest fundraiser is a year-long raffle.

Here are the rules:

• Monthly drawings on the last day of each month
• $5 per chance or 5 chances for $20
• Enter as often as you like
• Your chances enter you in all "pools" until you're name is drawn -- in other words, YOU HAVE AS MANY CHANCES TO WIN AS THERE ARE DRAWINGS!
• More chances, more chances to win. Same person can win more than one drawing if they've entered more than once
• Enter online or in person with raffle ticket
• For consistency of drawings, all online entries will get ticket(s) filled out for them
• All items have been donated for this specific cause -- to help offset costs of international adoption
• All proceeds will be paid toward adoption costs
• Winner will be notified by email and listed on website by first name and city
• If not local, items will be mailed priority mail within one week of drawing. Winner will be sent tracking number.
• If you retweet or post to your Facebook, let me know, and I'll give you one free entry

All of the raffle items are listed in the sidebar to the right, as well as a Pay Pal button. The July raffle is an autographed, framed photo of Baltimore Orioles outfielder Nick Markakis. If you know anything about baseball, you know that Nick is really the only bright spot about Orioles baseball these days.

Adjusted Wait Times

I received my weekly update from my placement agency this morning. I'm trying to look on the bright side of this, but I'm not really finding anything positive about it:

Twice annually, we examine the trends over time and use our best judgment based on past history and experience in the program to estimate wait times that seem reasonable for the future. We have just finished reviewing families' experience and trending over the past year, and based on that research. As of today, we will be updating our wait times to the following:

* Current wait times for families requesting children 0-24 months: 16-22 months

So no longer a 12- to 18-month wait, which seemed like an impossibly long time to wait. And this is just for the referral, tack on another 6 months before I even bring the baby home.

*Sigh. It's chilly, gray and dreary outside -- and that's the way I feel inside right now.

I hate asking for help

I'm the person who organizes the fundraisers. Who delivers meals or drives friends to the doctor. Who checks on the cats and picks up mail, and leaves baked good when you arrive home from your trip. I send funny little cards for no reason.

But in the past few years, I've had to ask for help. I've needed people to go to the doctor with me, to stop at the store and bring some ice cream when I needed cheering up. But just because I've had to ask for help, doesn't mean that I like it.

I don't. I haven't. But I need to ask for help again. And I need people to not wait for me to ask for help. Over the course of the next year and a half, I will need people to remind me that 18 months really isn't that long. I will need people to understand that sometimes, still, seeing a baby hurts. That sometimes, I don't want to hear about your child, niece or nephew, grandchild -- all of the above. And sometimes, I will want to hear about every little thing they are doing. And I just need you to follow my cues.

And I need help with the raffle. Selling tickets, keeping me motivated, even when I feel like giving up. Even when I'm feeling humbled beyond words at needing to ask for help.

It won't be every day. It won't be every week. But it'll be. It'll happen. And that's when I'll need you.

72 Weeks

Or maybe 76.

That's my estimated wait time. Officially, it's a 12- to 18-month estimate. But the latest reports are that families getting a baby 0-12 months are now waiting 19 months; a baby 12-24, the wait is 18 months. My immigration approval is approved for a baby 0-24 months.

But the good news is....I'm officially on the list. All paperwork is in. Here we go, the longest year and a half of my life.

Three Weeks and One Day

That's all it took for my "up to 90 days" approval.

Yesterday, I received my notice from the Department of Homeland Security: "Notice of Favorable Determination Concerning Application For Advice Processing of Orphan Petition."

And so, as long as everything in my dossier looks good, I am ready to go on the waiting list. And I'm only 12 to 18 months from learning who my baby will be!

And I have to apologize in advance for adding advertisements to the blog, but every little penny will help -- and I've heard from other friends who have turned ads on through blogger that it really isn't a lot that they get. But returning soda cans for the deposit is only a few bucks every month, and over the next year or so, it will add up.

I figured out my budget this morning, and *think* I will be able to save about $10,000 towards what I have left to pay for the adoption. If that's the case, between grants and the raffle (and ads and bottle deposits and this summer's garage sale and saving pennies in the bottom of my purse), I need to come up with about $8,000.

If I can do that, no loans, no debt when I bring my baby home. So forgive me for the ads at the bottom of the post -- and if you feel inclined, click on it and support my "sponsors." ;)

Babies, babies and more babies

A friend in Rochester is due with her third boy this month.

A friend from work had a baby girl on my birthday last month.

Another friend from work goes on maternity leave tomorrow.

And two friends (one from high school, another from Baltimore) both announced on FB today the sex of their babies due this fall -- a boy for one, a girl for the other.

And that is my life. And I almost started to feel sorry for myself, and then got an email from a friend who is also adopting from Ethiopia, and just awaiting her travel dates. She was writing to see where things are with me.

I told her my dossier was mailed into the placement agency (yeah!) and I am three weeks into my "up to 90 days" wait for USCIS approval. Once I get that, it's an estimated 12 to 18 months until referral.

Her response was perfect, and just what I needed: "You are almost done with your job....and that's a good feeling."

And she's right. I am almost done with my job. Then it's waiting, and preparing, and taking care of me, so that when the baby arrives, I can do nothing but take care of him (or her).

And so, this weekend I will continue to work on the marketing plan for the fund-raising raffle, create a website and graphic element for the website and my "adoption fund," and work on the adoption grant applications.

It will also be about sleeping in, lounging around, going to the gym, going grocery shopping, and just taking it easy. Taking care of me.

Because Jo is right, I am almost done with my job, and it is a good feeling.

PS....about to finish "week 1" of couch to 5K tomorrow. I increased my running speed a little and my form felt better, so last day of 60 seconds running, 90 seconds walking tomorrow.

Weekend Update

I remembered my actual "couch to 5K" training instructions for Friday and stuck to them -- 60 seconds of running, 90 seconds of walking, for 20 minutes. I was dying by the end of the 20 minutes, but I finished. It may be that "week 1" stretches into two weeks. I'm fully prepared to take longer than the suggested 9 weeks of the program.

That night, I had a dream where I was running. Not for my life, not away from anything, but actually running for fun, running for recreation, running in some organized event. I ran past people I knew, neighborhoods I've lived in that aren't in the same zip code. Jogged in place as I stopped to briefly chat with old friends.

It wasn't hard. I felt good. And so I know that I can get to that place. I may never run a marathon, but soon I'll be able to run more than 60 seconds at a time. If I can go through what I've gone through the past three years, I can run for several minutes (and someday, several miles) at a time.

Yesterday I went to the gym that I've joined for the summer. Also felt really good. Still at the point where 60 minutes is enough. And that, is a good thing.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around a visit I had last week with a friend. Parts of it were great, other parts disturbing. And while I have to remind myself that we are of two different generations, of two different political parties, I still need to think about how to handle future conversations with her. When we parted ways, she did ease my mind a little, by telling me that no matter where I adopt from, she will support me.

Today is Mother's Day, and I wasn't as sad as I usually am. In fact, I don't think I was sad at all. I had my volunteer shift at the Catholic Shop at church this morning, and then my parents came down for lunch. I wished a fellow parishioner a happy mother's day, and she asked if I had any children. And I smiled when I answered her. "Not yet, but I'm in the process of adopting."

And I borrowed Heather's FB status for my own: "Happy Mother's Day to all my mommy friends -- those with their babies in their arms, babies in their bellies on the way, and babies waiting across the world to meet them!"

Bubbles responded with: "Your Mommy's Day will come very soon my dearest friend! In the meantime you are such a "mom" to so many of us..." And my oldest niece with an immediate "Amen."

I have a busy week at work -- tomorrow the easiest of them, with only four hours of meetings. I just need to get through the next two weeks at work, and then (I think), I'll be okay.

MILF in Training, Day One

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Biometrics

Friday morning I drove up the Syracuse, to the Immigration & Naturalization Office to get my fingerprints scanned. Hopefully the FBI accepts them (I've had problems in the past with my rolled fingerprints - my ridges aren't very deep).

If they don't accept them, they will send a letter out a letter this week and I'll go back to Syracuse. If they're accepted, my background check moves forward. The last piece of the process.

I still need Bubbles' reference letter -- I forgot to get an original signed copy when I was in Baltimore last week. And after my trip next weekend, I will schedule a time for my friend at work to go with me to the doctor's office to get my medical form signed and notarized.

I found a website that will be a good model to follow for my fund-raiser. I need to pull my "team" together to figure out the logistics. I'm trying not to think about how length I still have to wait.

I guess one thing at a time.