The Week That Was -- at the Halfway Point

I survived Monday.

Tuesday....I talked to Chris again. I know just a week ago I told Lucia that he was in a good place in my life, that he was firmly in the past, just friends, in a nice little contained area that was healthy. And I still believe that for the most part. She might not agree with me, but I do believe it. He's familiar. He's comfortable. And I know where things stand. And so if he makes me feel good, if he's a good distraction to keep my mind from J or E, well, then what's the harm?

E? Who's E, you're wondering? I haven't really mentioned him, because I wasn't sure where it was leading. E is brilliant and hot and way into sports. Friend of a friend, and we've been chatting for the past three weeks, mostly via text (what is it with guys and texting -- can't we please have a real conversation).

There were tentative plans to meet on Friday in Albany (the half-way point between here and Bristol, CT). And he was a nice distraction from the fertility shit and the waiting and the being in limbo and the boys who are bad for me. And then, that's really all it turned out to be. Bummed? A little, but probably for the best. Friend of a friend or not, still kind of a stranger.

Wednesday...it's spring break so my usual gym is closed, and the fitness center has stupid hours. But I trudged across campus today to be at the gym when it opened at 11am. I ran/walked two miles in under 26 minutes, improving my average time from last week (three miles in 39:09). It felt good, and it brought perspective and a clear head. This morning I had been contemplating texting E one more time, by the time I got out of the shower, I knew I wouldn't. What's the point?

This afternoon, I talked to Bubbles, who only reinforced that "just walk away" notion. From E and J. I agreed that I wouldn't reach out to either, but for whatever reason, I'm not done with J yet.

Ironically, J texted me this afternoon. "I know you hate me. The picture from Ryan was really cute. Thanks for sending it."

See, he's not a complete idiot. "I don't hate you, not completely so you don't have to be afraid to call me."

"What's going on with the doctor stuff?"

"Can't start another cycle until next month, so technically I guess your window is still open if I thought you would actually follow thru."

"Why not til next month?"

"Hormone levels, etc. probably won't be able to start until April 1-ish."

"Sorry. You coming down here anytime soon?"

"Nope, but the plan was to meet halfway."

"What's halfway?"

And so it went. Will it actually happen? Who knows? I'm not holding my breath. This actually reminds me of a few months in Baltimore when I actually juggled BB and Chris, one would piss me off and I'd go running to the other. Never wanting an actual relationship with either one, just having physical needs met. And so it goes....Chris and J. And actually both are familiar, but I can really only count on one of them for now.

The good thing that came out of the conversation with him, though. At one point he said he needed me to understand that it's not that easy for him to get away. My response? "I understand, I really do. And I'm not trying to be difficult. I told you a while ago that I have no expectations, but you make promises and never follow thru, that's what pisses me off, that's what leads to my expecting more of you."

"You're right and I'm sorry. I'll try to be better about that."

So I said what I need to. And I feel better. No matter what happens between us -- even if nothing happens between us -- he's still my friend. And while everyone in my life might think I'm an idiot for it, I don't want to lose that.