My Week Ended Better Than it Started

Despite the start of a cold (or allergies), I managed to work out every night this week, including kick ass workouts last night and tonight. I ran/walked three miles in 42 minutes last night, 39 tonight. The running, the sweating, the sucking oxygen were all exactly what I needed to get me out of this J funk.

And I saw Lucia on Wednesday night, for a little head shrinkage. She's great. She manages to make everything seem so simple and in a way that I should have realized it. When I gave her the fertility update (I hadn't seen her in about eight months), I told her basically when I was finally pregnant it made sense. This cruel joke that the universe has been playing on me, that I'm almost 40, single, childless, struggling to get pregnant -- it all suddenly didn't matter, it made sense, because I was pregnant. And then I wasn't. And now life and the universe don't make sense anymore. And her reply, "oh, okay, so you're going to take on the whole universe. I see."

Right, exactly. I need to be focused me and the things I can control. And then I need to focus on how to react to what I can't control.

And then I told her about J, the whole saga....ignoring his texts while I was pregnant, feeling strong keeping it platonic, and then weakness. Baltimore, the ultimatum, the photos from Taughannock Falls. And in her usual dry way, she reminded me what a master manipulator he is. And I was finally ready to close that chapter. I just hope I can stay strong months down the road when I forget how much this feeling sucks.

And so faithful readers, fear not....Ellie is on the mend. Physically...stronger than I've been in months. Emotionally...getting stronger every day.

I know what I need to focus on, I know what's important and what's not worth my effort, and I hope that by the time March rolls around next year, I'll be writing under my real name, posting pictures of my little bambino or bambina.