And it starts....

I had a moment over the weekend (well, more than one) when I wondered if I could be pregnant. Sure, E and I used precautions most of the time, and I do have that little fertility issue, but stranger things have happened. So many times I heard stories about people who had trouble getting pregnant on their own, used IVF, and then had a second surprise pregnancy because they didn't know they should be using birth control.

And then I was reminded again of that brilliant movie He's Just Not that Into You. Sunday morning, I woke up to another reminder that I am the rule, not the exception. My bottom half was covered in blood.

Okay, so I was glad I didn't waste money on the HPT that I contemplated buying on my way home from church. I felt foolish for the "signs" that were pointing towards a miracle pregnancy. And I realized that while this would be the "easy" way to get pregnant, there would be nothing easy about carrying E's child and dealing with all that comes with having a child with a one-night stand. for the next 18 years, at least.

Without being graphic, I know now what a woman goes through with her first cycle after giving birth. As Bubbles put it, we want a happy, clean uterus. After the past three days and nights of gushing, there can't be much left in my uterus. It's all cleansing and healing and making itself ready for the another successful IVF and what will be (positive thinking) a successful pregnancy.

I did my blood work yesterday and had my baseline ultrasound this morning. All look good. I will start taking the Lupron and Gonal-F on Thursday. Additionally, they will also have me take menopur, another kind of gonadtropin to help turn my ovaries and eggs into jiffy pop.

It helps to start again. It feels like I'm actually doing something. That I have my plan, that I have something to do, that I can move forward. And if all goes as it has in the past, I should be ready for retrieval the week of my birthday.

Spring is a good time for making a life, for things to grow and bloom.

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I will say that with all this positive energy around me, I'm still feeling a little jealous, a little sad, about my friend Melissa. She just had her first ultrasound, and while I'm thrilled for her, I'm also reminded of that while she's at 14 weeks, I should be at 16 weeks.

I had stopped counting, stopped thinking about that pregnancy, until now. It would be hard to not think about it. We were two weeks apart. Hopefully it gets less hard, hopefully her pregnancy will get a little easier each week.