Theories

Over the past couple of weeks, both Nancy and Hope have been saying that there's something about me lately, something they can't put their finger on, an inner glow, a different kind of outward beauty. I do my best not to roll my eyes, and try to say thank you.

But sometimes I see it too. When I look in the mirror I see something different. Something I can't put my finger on. I'm not pregnant, and I haven't had sex in six months, so the glow can't be attributed to either of the usual suspects.

And then I think it clicked. Even though I've said this in the past, this is the first time I actually believe it. I'm not looking for a relationship. I just want to have fun, I want to work on the baby thing, and I am not looking for a relationship. At all.

And because of that, I wonder if the inner glow is more like inner peace. If the outward beauty is more like outward confidence.

i wish I felt that way about some of the bad boys I keep in my life. Which of course is all the reason to move on without them. But even with inner peace, even with outward confidence...I just can't.

Chris is familiar. J is exciting. E is downright dangerous.

I have however made some positive steps. Emailed a friend from Baltimore -- a single friend, who I flirted with and who flirted back at the Bash -- and asked if he was coming to Cooperstown anytime soon, to let me know. Working on getting to know one of the cops in public safety.

And so hopefully between Charlie and the cop, Chris and J and E will fade into the background, until all three of them are where Chris was a month ago. In a neat little box, carefully put away from my day-to-day life.