I'm Scared

I woke up this morning, feeling scared. Like I wanted to cry scared. Wanted to crawl back into bed and stay there all day. And I cheated a little on my morning temperature. When I first woke up, it was 98.0 (it has been going down one-tenth of a degree for the past few days), so I laid there for a little while, listened to Sports Center, and then took it again about a half hour later. It was 98.2. I split the difference on my chart and put it at 98.1, same as yesterday.

I know that means nothing, but given my mood this morning, I really couldn't bare charting my temp lower again today. I'm sure I'll change it so it's more accurate tonight. The acupuncturist told me that I need 12 good days of high temps. I think today (whether it I count it as 98.0 or 98.1) is day 8 or 9.

*sigh* I've got only a few more days until I go to the hospital to get my blood test done. I feel like I should know if I'm pregnant, that I should feel something. And because I don't, and because I don't want to be disappointed again, and because I feel like I've somehow jinxed myself by having too many thoughts about being pregnant, I feel like I'm not.

Hope mentioned to me yesterday that I never second-guess myself. That never once since December 2006 when I said, "I'm doing this next summer" have I second-guessed myself. And for the most part that's true. There have been times when I've had thoughts about whether I can really afford to do this, but those are fleeting moments.

Can you want something too much? I don't know what I'll do on Saturday if I get bad news.