Happy new year

It's 2008 -- I'll be 38 this year. When I was little, that sounded so old. And now, not so much. The year has started off mostly positive, if not for the extreme cold weather, so far.

I had an ultrasound on Wednesday and was declared cyst free, at least for this month. So just as I started to come off of the hormone bloat and fit back into my skinny jeans, I started on the clomid again. Five days on, then five days off. Friday I'll go in for another ultrasound to make sure that my body reacted to the clomid the way it is supposed to -- growing big, healthy mature eggs -- and if that's the case, the next day I'll be inseminated again.

It's weird how two failed attempts, and all the months of needing to take off because of the cysts, but I'm not overly excited nor am I dreading it -- just sort of neutral. Maybe that will change as the week goes on, and perhaps, more likely, it will change once I have the second ultrasound Friday. While I have no reason to think that I won't have good egg follicles, there is always the chance. So maybe I am just protecting myself from another crushing blow of needing to wait.

It's a big hurry up and wait game, this fertility thing. To think that I started it all last summer, had my first insemination in August -- and here we are six months later, still doing the same thing we were doing in August. I guess this is the universe's way of teaching me patience -- something I've never had and something I will most certainly need when I have a baby.

When I was looking through my Christmas cards this year, I was struck by the.....I don't know if irony is the right word....of the card from someone I went to high school with. She has two kids in high school! Here I am about to have a baby, and in another year or two, she'll be sending her babies off to college. Once upon a time, that would have been how I thought my life would be, but I've come to accept that you can't totally create your own time line.