Back to Life

...back to reality

I feel so relaxed, I have no idea how I'm going to get out of bed at 6:15 tomorrow morning. But I'll back up and recap.

The Date -- in a word, dull. I was actually very proud of myself for not fixating on the extra eyebrow hairs growing between his eyebrows or on the fact that he desperately needed a haircut. These are all things that would have been immediate deal breakers in the past, but I moved beyond them. He was just very dull. Couldn't carry on a conversation. And it wasn't that he was shy, he was just dull. So that's an hour of my life I won't be getting back, but I did it.

Baltimore -- was so much fun, if not very very quick. I met my friend Mort for lunch on my way into town. I hadn't seen him in four or five years, and I immediately thought how much he had aged. He's in his early 60s, but he was always very youthful looking. At lunch he told me that he had had a bout of esophageal cancer last year. He was cancer-free now, but had to go for biopsies every few months. If it comes back, they will have to take his esophagus. It was scary to hear that, but he was putting up the fight.

I opted not to call J and treated myself to a pedicure before heading over to T&S's house. I got there about a half hour before the girls got off the school bus, so chatted with S and gave her the updates on the adoption. The girls were excited to see me, and I can't believe how grown-up they seem, even since just the spring when I saw them.

T and I headed downtown for the game. There were many, many beers and a shot of tequila, and a late-night run to Burger King for grease on the way home. The game was really good -- it's so nice to see the Orioles playing well, and then even nicer to see A-Rod hit a home run in the top of the 9th. I saw my favorite beer man, visited in the press box, got my picture taken with the Oriole Bird, and as we wandered around the stadium finding better and better seats, I gave little PSA's to all the out-of-town Yankee fans and made them promise they would go to the museum over the weekend.

The next morning, after a little shaking in the shower, I ate a bagel and started to feel a little better. Nothing like grease and/or carbs to help the hang-over.

Once in Richmond, I went wedding dress shopping with my sister-in-law, my niece and her future step-daughter; saw one of my best guy friends from college; went to my brother's softball game; had girls' night at a Mexican restaurant with Debbie and Tiff; took the dogs for a walk every morning and then myself on a three-mile walk; enjoyed the sunshine and 85+ degrees; dealt with two minor work emergencies; managed to get one nap in; took some luxurious soaks in the garden tub; attended Bunco with the neighborhood house-fraus; and sanded and painted my $5 garage sale dresser.

Before.....

After...

...back to the here and now.

I Need Feedback

I'm interested in knowing your opinions on two things:

1. IF, very big IF, the dating thing pans out, when do I tell someone I'm in the process of adopting?
2. And....is it strange that I'm going to a baseball game with my friend on Friday night. My friend who is roughly my age, married, with two kids -- and the wife is not going with us. I am spending the night at their house, going to get there early enough on Friday to see the girls get off the school bus and hang out with them, but then it will just be him and me at the game.
   
   A friend asked me last week who I was going to game with and when I said my friend's name, she said, "his wife isn't going with you?" And I could hear the disdain, disapproval and judgment in her voice.
   
   So is it weird? Is it inappropriate?
   

$500 and 5 pounds...a month at a time

Or I could call this post "Random Updates"

I figured if I can lose 5 pounds a month until I get my referral, then I will have lost in excess of 60 pounds. That allows for some holiday and vacation ups and downs, and is totally doable.

Working out has been great. I'm back in the groove, sweating and loving it. And with the exception of a little blip last week when I was bloated and retaining and having my period and gained a little bit of weight, I have lost almost 7 pounds in four weeks. Goal #1 met for this month.

I also figured that I need to save $500 a month (either savings or from the raffle income) to put me close to my goal. I really need to save more, but I know that $500 is reasonable, doable and some months exceedable. (I know that's not a word, but it works here.)

Friday will mark my four-month wait on the waiting list. And it puts me at exactly a year to a year-and-a-half of waiting left. A very long time, but time I need to become a little more healthy. To become a little more wealthy.

I am also half-way through my three-month experiment on eHarmony. They jury is still out. There is talk of meeting someone for coffee after work on Thursday, but until it's confirmed and I'm sitting there with the handsome stranger sipping some hot cocoa or hot cider (I'm not a coffee drinker) will I say that progress has been made. Call me a cynic, but I've had too many disappointments. I won't set myself up for another.

I did hear from E last week. He was hosting a MNF thing at a sports bar in Albany. I asked if it was an FYI or an invite.

"both, but I'm not staying over."

What to do? I stroked his ego and let him down. I was not going to drive three hours one way to spend an evening in a bar while he was working and hanging out with 500 other people.

We went back and forth, and in the end, I got an "I'd love to see you. When you get back from vacation?"

So, when I get back from vacation, I'll need to figure out how to fit in a visit with him.

And so yea, vacation.....I'm headed to the Yankees game on Friday night and then a week in Richmond, relaxing, napping, walking the dogs, and some more napping.

I'll try to post from vacation, but if not, I promise to be better on the other side.

I am Woman, Hear Me Roar

This sucks. I honestly do not remember feeling this lousy, ever, when I was on the fertility drugs. I was more bloated, I was more puffy, but I was not in this much monthly pain.

And it's not just monthly pain, but every two weeks pain -- ovulation and then that special time of the month.

I've got one more month before I go to the doctor. I only have to go through this dreaded cycle one more time. At that point, they can do a full panel of blood work, tell me all the meds are out of my system, tell me that my insides are useless (knew that), and that will happily give me a hysterectomy.

I don't think it will go quite like that, but here's hoping. If the uterus and/or ovaries are doing me no good, why should I be in this much pain?

And really, we all know how I am, the very next time I have sex, you know and I know that I'll be counting. I'll know exactly where I am in my cycle. I'll hear every single person who told me (over the course of my nearly three years of trying) "as soon as you stop trying, you'll get pregnant."

I'll freak out about when my period is supposed to come. I'll check and double-check. I'll work myself up over every little twinge I feel. And I'll be thinking so much, that I'll make myself late and have to take a HPT. And it will negative. And I will be crushed.

So for all the pain I am in every two weeks, and to save myself from my self-imposed torture after having sex, here's hoping my doctor believes in elective hysterectomies.

Ouch

Yesterday, I was in a meeting for a committee I serve on. I haven't seen another woman on the committee practically all summer -- either she has missed meetings or I have. When she came in, she was overly excited to see me.

"How are you? How's the baby?"

My stomach literally dropped. I couldn't even speak. Just looked back at her blankly.

"Aren't you just coming back from maternity leave?"

I shook my head. "No. That's Heather."

"Oh right," she laughed. And I tried not to cry.

So Much for Growth

Not that I did anything bad, but I was just writing (wow, more than a month ago -- WHERE did the summer go?!) that July 31 came and went without me thinking of it as Chris's birthday. I had a new reader even comment on that post recently, and so because of that comment, I have to fess up that I have been thinking about him.

And even though I deleted his number from my cell phone, and deleted his email address from my address book, I thought about reaching out. I think, after a couple of tries of combining military.navy.us (some combination of that) with either his first name then last name or last name then first name for his email address.

I was near where he lives last weekend. I thought about the stalker drive-by, even though I know he's not there. Although, do I know that? I haven't talked to him in almost a year.

But I didn't drive by -- partly because I couldn't remember his house number and he lives on a mammothly long road, but also because I have more pride. And that's why I will not combine navy and military and us and first and last names, with dots and @ in between.

This way, I'm the one who never called him, I'm the one who ended it. And, as Bubbles says, "always keep the power."

27 Dresses

There's a part in that movie, when James Marsden asks Katherine Heigl why she does it, why she's in so many weddings, wearing so many hideous dresses, going out of her way for all of these people in her life. And her answer?

Because they're her friends, and she wants to be there for them, because she knows when it's her turn, they'll all be there for her.

I've been thinking about that lately. Certainly that wasn't my intent when I did things, when I bought girl scout cookies, or magazine subscriptions, or candy bars, or raffle tickets, or donated for this walk or that walk. I did it because they're my friends or family and I wanted to support them and their interests.

And so was it too much to think, to expect, that the same friends would be there for me? I've got some amazing people -- selling hundreds of dollars in tickets, donating items, selling their chicken's eggs and giving me the money, and even as simple as buying $5 or $10 or $20 worth of tickets.

And then there are others, who are seemingly ignoring me. Ignoring emails about the adoption, are blind to my multiple FB posts and tweets.

And they're people who I always thought I could count on. Brothers and sisters, closest friends. It's so disappointing.

I've been boring....

I've been AWOL from here because I don't really have much going on. I can only tell you I've been working and working out so many times.

The fund-raising is going well. I've passed the 25% mark for the total I need to save/raise. The raffle is going well -- also at about the 25% mark.

eHarmony is not going well. And I actually looked today to see if there was any way to get a refund. There's not. They have my money and I'm stuck with them until the end of October.

So that's that...I"ll try to be more interesting in the coming days and hope to post again mid-week.

WWIII, week 1

I "only" lost 1.4 pounds this week. They told me I need to eat more. I was eating all my points, but not the activity points I earned. So I'm going to not think about it and just do it. If it means a spoonful of peanut butter or a handful of nuts at the end of the night to get those in, that's what I'm doing.

And tonight....chips and salsa at Chili's for me "cheat" dinner after weigh-in.

Here's hoping I can keep healthy thoughts throughout this process. So officially, 10 of the 43 gone.

And, my gym re-opens for the semester tomorrow. Whoo-hoo

I think I've hit my limit....

...of being multiple people at work. I am chairing a search committee for a job search. I actually started to cry while on the phone with a colleague when he said he wanted to have all 50+ resumes read this weekend, so that we could squeeze the phone interviews and on-campus interviews in before I go on vacation next month.

Part of me was over-whelmed at the prospect, not at doing a lot of work over the weekend, but because I am already planning to be in the office for a few hours, and reading resumes is NOT on my Saturday to-do list. And then part of me felt guilty that I'm taking a vacation.

...of this eHarmony shit. Over the past three weeks, I have contacted 28 men. Twenty eight. I have heard from one. Really, I'm that repulsive? I am in need of an ego boost, which leads me to...

not having Chris as a back-up really sucks. Like really and truly sucks! When I'm feeling like this, I could always call him. I could always either have a very inappropriate phone conversation or get him to come visit me for a day. Both did the trick. Both made me feel good. And so without Chris, that leads me to...

I'm wishing to hear from J and trying to think of any excuse that I can contact him. Because if I don't have Chris, then J is the next best thing for my ego. I guess I was a little too harsh on him when I left him with blue balls in the nation's capital a few months back.

So without Chris, without J -- and I haven't heard from E in a week or so -- we have my work friend Jackson, who is very much like Chris. And that's probably the attraction. While maybe they couldn't be brothers, they certainly would have been fraternity brothers. And so with no Chris, I'm looking towards Jackson and thinking very bad things.

Can I really break my no co-workers (among other) rule? And I know what you're thinking, board members don't count. (It wasn't even a fiduciary board so I didn't count BB as a co-worker or even any sort of authority figure.)

So co-worker? Or continue to walk to straight and narrow? It'll be interesting to see the way it all plays out, that's for sure. Although it would be a whole lot more interesting if he weren't the only thing keeping my attention.

What happened to the days when I had E texting me during the day, J texting me at all hours of the night, and Chris on the phone? Or even me and Chris in Vegas, and E texting me from the east coast?

WWIII

That would be Weight Watchers, the third time around. When I graduated from college, I was at my heaviest. Drinking beer four or five nights a week will do that to you. I lost 48 pounds.

Over the next 10 years or so, I slowly gained most of it back. I had changed jobs twice, moved from Rochester to Baltimore. Lots of life changes.

In Baltimore, I joined again. It was half-hearted, but I lost about 25 pounds.

Four years ago, I did it on my own. My own plan. I lost 40 pounds, was the lightest and most fit I've ever been. A year later, I pumped my body full of hormones. I tried to get pregnant. My emotions were up and down. I was lethargic, I was lazy, I was complacent. So on top of what the hormones did to me, I did to me.

I gained 43 pounds, and came too close to going back to where I was after college.

This summer, I started and stopped so many times. I tried to do it on my own. No luck. I'd be good for about four or five days, and then something would happen, or I'd go out to dinner, or have one too many beers...

So today, I started WW at Work. I need the accountability. I need the support. And I finally just need to make a change. For good.

So here we go again...

Growth

I forgot to write about this. This is real growth on my part.

Last Saturday, I saw on FB that it was the anniversary of friends in Virginia. I looked at my calendar and didn't have it written down. So I checked my dates book to make sure I had it. There it was, "Peter & Sherry, 1999." And in the same date, "Chris's birthday."

Chris's birthday. And it never occurred to me. I didn't remember or think about it.

For the first time in seven years, July 31 was just July 31. It was Peter and Sherry's 11th anniversary and nothing else.

I call that real growth.

One More Shot

Brothers and Sisters
I sent out another round of emails to my brothers and sisters the other night. It was simple and I blind copied them all -- so it looked as if I were sending it to a bunch of people.

It's one more chance for them to redeem themselves. Or one more chance for me to realize that I set my expectations of other people way too high. I'm trying my best not to let their actions disappoint me.

They will. Of course. But at least, I'm prepared for it.

The Dating Game
This eHarmony thing is shit. I go in with such high hopes of at least having a decent conversation with someone. And this is what happens. I email someone and they either a) email me back, I respond and then they never do again; or b) never respond in the first place.

My pet peeves about all of this. 1. I'm putting myself out there with my picture, you better fucking have a picture of yourself up. 2. You've paid money to be on this site. Get your money's worth. Respond when someone writes to you. 3. At the very least have the decency to say "thanks, but no thanks."

I have to put up with this for another two months. I've heard from one person. I've called him. We haven't connected. I"ll try again tonight.

Friends
I'm going to Skaneateles next weekend to spend the night at my friend Jen's. She's turning 40 on Wednesday, so we'll her kids and husband and head into town for dinner to celebrate. She is also trying to play match maker.

There is a teacher at her school. She's told me about him, him about me. Finally, realizing it's hard to play match maker, she asked if she could just give him my contact information. That was over two weeks ago.

Now I know it's summer. I know people are busy, people could be on vacation, etc. But it appears I am striking out left and right.

Thanks for the reminder

I received a postcard in the mail yesterday from the Sears Portrait Studio. The headline?

"The Big One! Happy birthday"

And then below that: "your baby is turning one and you must have a portrait to remember this big day forever."

Sigh...yes, had there been a heart beat on January 27, 2009, and all the weeks after that, my baby would be turning one, next month in fact. But there was no heart beat, no more to come at all. There are people in my immediate circle who knew I was trying, but didn't know that I had actually gotten pregnant.

How the hell does Sears know? And if they're so smart to know that, how come they didn't know the rest of the story?

I don't need the reminder, thank you very much. I'll remember each September, even when I have my baby home.

Oh No, What Have I Done?

I figured I have a long time before I get my referral. And we all know how I can tend to obsess and focus too much on one thing. So I need to do things for me. I can't be thinking, sleeping, and breathing this adoption. Not yet.

So I'm slowly getting back to doing good things for me. I only went to the gym one night this week, but I've actually worked out every night. I forgot how much I love walking near my house. I have a great hill nearby. And with work being so busy, I don't ever get to go outside during the day. So going to the gym right from the office -- not what I really want to do, stay inside more.

I would carry that attitude into the gym with me, and have no motivation. Monday, I didn't have my gym bag with me because I had been planning to go to Syracuse after work to see my mom (she had surgery last week), but she was being released from the hospital and sounded so much better than the day before, there was no reason for me to go up.

So I came home and walked. It was great. The endorphins carried over into the next few days and I felt like my eating was under control. Which made me feel like wanting to work out the next night. It was a vicious cycle, in only the best way. And, I stepped on the scale this morning and have nearly hit 14 pounds.

Again, more good thoughts to make me want to walk. So this week, five nights in a row. And eating when I'm hungry. Making good choices. Thinking about eating, not just eating. It's all good. Let's hope I can keep up this momentum.

Which brings me to the other part of my "focus on me" plan. I joined eHarmony. Again.

I know. I know. I said I never would again. But really and truly, I want to give this a go. And if by the end of the three months, nothing, then I am done and will continue to date married men. (Kidding!)

We'll see where things go.

My biggest conundrum is when to bring up the adoption thing? Not really first phone call conversation. Not really first date conversation. But what happens if I get too far in and then it's like, oh shit I should have told him months ago.

I guess I'll wait to see if I get past the first or second date. That would be something new with the online dating thing. For me, anyway.

I'm not telling anyone -- well I told Bubbles, and now I'm telling you all. God help me, what have I done?

This could end either very good or very bad. Stay tuned.

The Return of B

Several years ago, I was involved in a mostly tame flirtatious work relationship with B. It all culminated with drinks after work, with my leg over his and him massaging my calf. We walked to his apartment nearby and lay on his bed. He rubbed my back. We talked, we flirted, we let awkward silences hang between us.

And finally, I said, "you just need to kiss me and get it over with, so it's not weird."

You know that sound effect they use in movies and television shows, a needle scratching a record to show something abruptly coming to a halt. Yea, that could have been the noise I heard right after I said what I did. Suddenly he pulled his hand out from under the back of my shirt.

"I don't want it to be weird between us. I really like you as a friend, I wouldn't want to lose that."

"We wouldn't. Look, B, I'm very good at no strings attached. I'm laying on your bed..." He didn't move, so I took a chance and leaned up and softly kissed him. No response.

Suddenly, it was awkward between us. And continued to be. All of my guy friend, who I told this scenario to, said the same thing. "he's gay."

"He's not!"

"You were laying on his bed, offering yourself up with no string attached? He's gay."

We never got to be as close as we were around that time. Fast forward to the past few weeks. We've been on a search committee together, and there's been flirting. He moves his knee so it's leaning against mine, he leans into me, he's intense with his eye-to-eye contact.

At one meeting, somehow the conversation between the two of us led him to saying, "oh you think you could handle me?"

I put my hand on his arm, looked him right in the eye and said, "I know I could handle you."

"We'll see..."

"I'm not the one who said no when we were laying on a bed..."

His mouth dropped. "Oh snap, you're not going there."

"Yup."

Since then, it's gotten a little more intense. He's been more forward. And you know, it's fun. It's good for my ego.

He's always worn his hair long and shaggy -- something I hate and he knows. He got it cut really short last week, and made a point of instant messaging me to tell me. When I saw him on Monday, he looked so handsome. I couldn't stop touching his hair and looking at him. And his ego loved it too.

I have no idea where this is going, if it's going anywhere. For right now, it's just fun.

Resentment is an Ugly Thing to Swallow

And try as I might to not feel that way, sometimes it gets the better of me. I'm hoping that putting it out there, writing down, that hopefully I can then let it go.

So here goes:

I am resentful of pregnant women, especially if they are significantly younger than me. And most especially if they are so young that their pregnancies are unplanned.

I am resentful of a friend from work who sees and hears all the people selling raffle tickets, selling eggs, being supportive -- and who has yet to help in any way. She mentioned to me over a year ago, while I was still pursuing the fertility route but was more realistic about needing to go this way, that unless my adoption fund was associated with an actual 501c3 that she wouldn't be able to sell tickets for me. How could she ask her friends who didn't know me to spend money? How would they know it was legitimate?

Really? They know it's legit because you're asking. Or maybe your friends aren't as trusting of you as mine are of me. Because if the shoe was on the other foot, and I was selling for you, the mere fact that I was asking would be enough for my friends. If they could afford it, they would do it.

I am resentful that my colleague gets 12 weeks of maternity leave, just one year after coming back from another 12 weeks of maternity leave. That she has two perfect little babies -- and I started my whole process well before her.

And I am resentful (and really this one is for Bubbles, though I definitely feel this way) of bitches who treat their men like shit, who are awful awful people and I'm single!

It's day 12 of my new shortened 25-day cycle. I'm ovulating on my own. I'm in pain. I'm bloated, I'm uncomfortable. I've been awake since 4am. And on top of all of that, I fucked up my knee doing lunges at the gym. So much for working out.

All that is to say, I'm cranky. The resentment will be gone tomorrow. I actually already feel better by writing it down, admitting it publicly and moving on.

Tomorrow is another day.

Things that go bump in the night

I saw a picture of Christina Applegate and her baby bump today and was overcome with a brief moment of sadness. And then it was gone. But it was there.

I guess I'm not as over it all as I thought. Not over the fact that I won't ever get pregnant. I always knew that I would adopt, even if I got pregnant and had a biological child. And so the two things are almost compartmentalized away from each other.

Adopting a child is not the back-up for having a baby, so knowing that I will have a baby soon doesn't erase all of the hurt of not getting pregnant. Does that make sense?

"I'm Not Mad at You, I'm Mad at the Dirt."

One of my favorite lines from a movie (Mommie Dearest, 1981).

And that's the way I've been feeling lately. My friend at work has been on maternity leave since the middle of May, and won't be back until the end of August. I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at the situation.

Mad that I'm so fucking busy at work. Mad that I won't be able to take a real vacation until September.

I'm in meetings most of the day, which makes it really hard to get any work done when I'm not at my desk. So I either let it go until the next day (or the day after) when I have some time to actually work. Or I stay until 6:00, skipping the gym, and get shit done.

I've done both. Neither makes me happy. It makes me frustrated. It makes feel out of control.

Today, I was in meetings for four hours, tomorrow six. I left work at 4:15 anyway. Came home and went for a walk. And while I walking -- Rob Base and Katy Perry and Aerosmith and Michael Jackson on my iPod -- I didn't think about work. I didn't think about anything. And so for a little while, I was happy with the way things are currently happening.

And so as long I remember that I'm mad at the dirt, I won't get all Pepsi Board Room on anyone.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that....

The Return of E

So a few days after texting to tell me he was going to be on the radio, he texted me to ask how I was, how was my social life, how was work? Just like that. I told him social life had had its ups and downs, work was insane, other than that, all was good.

I gave him the 10 words or less version of Chris, and he told me he was a loser. I agreed. I asked how he was, and of course he changed the subject and somehow our conversations picked up right where it left off.

Not sure how. Not sure where's he been. Although I do wonder, if in fact he and his wife are back together (it was my theory as to why thing suddenly cooled off between us), that the Steve Phillips incident could have been a little too close to home. Who knows?

We texted a little this past week, and he asked if we could get together "next week." I told him that would be tough, what about the week after? Haven't heard from him yet. We'll see what this week brings.

Adoption Update

I am officially two months into my wait (notice my cute little teddy bear counter to the right). And I should be reaching 25% of my fund-raising goals by the end of the summer. Not bad for an autographed picture from someone on a team with less than 30 wins, eh?

I went to a picnic yesterday, sponsored by the agency that performed my home study (and who will do my post-placement evaluations). It was fun to see other kids with their families, and actually be able to see myself in that situation. Not like going to the FG's office with women who had babies or very pregnant bellies. That was its own special kind of torture.

But as hopeful as it was to see these families, it also reminded me that I am so far away. Two months into a 16 to 22 month wait. Ugh. By now, ya'll should know I have NO patience.

The good news about the picnic -- I met another single woman. She just brought her little girl home five months ago from Ethiopia. I have a friend. Someone who knows exactly what I'm going through. The infertility. The singledom. The adoption.

Exhaustion

Work has been insane. Still. My new boss did start on Monday, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel (and it's not an oncoming train), but it's still hectic. I'm still in a bunch of meetings. Still mentally exhausted at the end of the day.

Needless to say, Couch to 5K has been abandoned. For now. I'm hoping to pick it up again in a few weeks. I think my knees will appreciate it -- and I will have more success -- if I can lose a few more pounds before doing much more running. That's the plan anyway.

I'm hovering between having lost 10 and 13 pounds. Still haven't dropped a pants size -- baby belly still in place. *sigh someday I'll get there.

My niece just got engaged (yeah!), so I'm hoping that that date in the future will be my new "focus on the prize" milestone. For me and my sister-in-law. I would love to be able to wear a backless dress and show off my tattoo.

The Absence of J

I haven't heard from him since I left him hanging, with the fact that I was wearing a Jeter t-shirt and nothing else, but needed to go back to sleep. Not that I haven't thought about him. And not that I haven't thought about texting him after a beer or two. But I've been good. I haven't reached out. That's not to say I don't miss him. I do.

I may shoot him an email (during the day, strictly professional) at the end of the month, to let him know how well I did with the Markakis photo during the raffle.