On a Silver Fucking Platter

I'm an idiot. Go ahead. I know I am.

Last week, after I got back from the doctor, after knowing I had a three-week break from shots and ultrasounds and appointments and blood work, I said I was hoping to see E or J, or both.

And what did I do? I emailed J and said, "If I were to drive to York, or somewhere in that vicinity for an afternoon, would you make it worth my while? I've got three weeks before I start the next cycle."

York is four hours from me, 45 minutes from him. Could I be making it any easier for him?

He emailed me back, almost immediately. "Very interesting. Let me check my schedule."

I resisted the urge to respond to him. And I've resisted the urge to write back to him this week.

This is it. I promise. If I hear nothing back from him, even to say, tempting as it sounds, I'm too busy....he's cut off. Done. No more stroking his ego. No more texts. No more dirty pictures. No more naughty phone calls.

And you can hold me to it.

Cranky Monday

And I'm not sure why. I feel like crying. Or going back to sleep. When really what I want is to feel like working out.

I had a good weekend. I went to Syracuse and spent the night at my niece's. Yesterday was Andrew's 2nd birthday party.

I had been anxious about it earlier in the week, that my oldest sister would be there and I would have to hear about her daughter, who is due to give birth in the next two weeks. I think I've forgiven her insensitivity in how she told me she was pregnant, but I can't forget. And to hear people go on and on about it -- I wasn't in the mood. I found out Saturday night that she wouldn't be coming. She had to work all day on Saturday.

Maybe it was, not just being around little kids, but actually celebrating the anniversary of his birth. It could be that or it could be something totally unrelated. Like I'm just tired. Or my hormones are out of whack -- though I have been living with that for the past two years.

I feel like I did last summer when I thought an egg donor was my only option. My mind is swimming with all sorts of things and what if's. What if there is a better chance to get pregnant with an egg donor than with my own egg. Should I have just gone with an egg donor last summer, instead of wasting the time and money on trying to get pregnant on my own? Or should I have just given up and saved since last year and gone ahead with adoption? Should I try with an egg donor after my final IVF?

I don't know how productive of a day it will be at work today. I should have called in sick.

"Donna Does Wonders with the Probe"

I managed to get a doctor's appointment this morning, and so at 8:45, Hope, Heather and I took a "staff field trip" to the doctor's office. (The only thing missing was Nancy.)

We came up with a list of questions in the car, and I told them that what I'm not good at, what I really needed them from them, was the follow-up. Once I ask the question and get an answer, I'm not good at saying, "but what else?" or "but what about...?" They were both up to the task.

The FG's office was hopping when we got there. I leaned over to Hope and said, so which one of you is my lesbian lover and which is the egg donor. (Because really, what else would three women be doing at the fertility doctor?) She sized up me and Heather with our matching Vera Bradley purses and said, "ummm....she's more like you, she's your egg donor." To which Heather replied, "she wants to be your lover."

When I was finally called back for my baseline U/S, the nurse was a little surprised at our little conga line. "They're both coming back?"

When the nurse practitioner came in to the ultrasound, they started asking their questions. The NP -- new to the practice -- didn't have all the answers, but said she would bring Donna in when we were done. And then she couldn't find my left ovary, which has been known to hide. "Stay undressed, I'll get Donna and see if she can find your left ovary. She does wonders with the probe."

Donna came in, immediately found my left ovary, and then sat there while the girls peppered her with questions. At this point, Donna was saying that there were some residual cysts left over from last month, but we could still go ahead, to start the meds tonight and be back on Friday for a follicle check.

Hope and Heather weren't ready to accept that that was the best thing for me. The most impactful question, and I think it was from Hope, "if she got pregnant in December, why wouldn't you try to do the cycle the exact same way? Why increase her dosage so much, why add a new medicine to the mix? Especially when using more medicine didn't seem to create a better quality or quantity of eggs?"

Donna thought about it for a minute and then said, "Well the cysts are a little bigger than I would like." She looked at me, "what if we put you on the pill for three weeks to suppress ovulation, let your cysts go away, and we'll start up on July 13 with just the Gonal-F?"

It felt like a weight off my shoulders. And in thinking about it, that was the way the cycle worked when I got pregnant. I was on the pill for two weeks to manipulate my cycle so that we could fit it in before Christmas. So this isn't a bad thing, it can only be a good thing.

And if I can fit in a visit or two with E or J (or dare I say both?) in the next three weeks, all the better.

And so I went back to the gym tonight for the first time in five weeks. I lasted about half hour on the treadmill. It was a start. I'll give myself this week to get my endurance back up and then start running next week.

Today was a better day than Friday. At least we're moving in the right direction.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

At least my body doesn't let me psyche myself into believing that the test was a false positive. I woke up this morning to my period and quickly realized I had very little in way of supplies to deal with it. Ugh.

I started making a list of questions for the doctor. Hope is going with me to the baseline to help ask questions and be an extra set of ears.

* what more can I do?
* what are the chances of getting pregnant?
* did the increase of Gonal-F and Menopur cause over-stimulation to the point that the follicles stopped growing and it caused the spotting?
* should FG re-examine me to see where things stand with my reproductive levels?
* would taking a month off make any difference?

That's what we have so far. It will be good for Hope to be there. I ask why I'm not getting pregnant and I get an answer like, "you're doing all you can." Hope will push and ask for an actual medical explanation.

For the past two years, I've never wavered. I've never doubted myself or my decision. This is what I'm supposed to do. I can be a single mother. I will have no trouble with it. But now, as I'm nearing my last chance, I am starting to doubt adoption.

How reasonable is it to take on a debt that large and add another person to my household? A person who is 100% dependent on me for all of his or her needs?

I'm casting the net, and actually this is where Fran being Fran is a good thing. She's casting the net. She's got her Nigerian priest looking into adopting from his country, she's working something with a woman who may or may not have someone in her family to take care of her baby which has to be taken from her as soon as she gives birth, and then she asked my oldest sister about anything that her husband may have (he's the former DA of a small town and now has his own private practice).

Hope asked me the other day if, knowing that I believe in fate and destiny, I needed to go through the past two years of failure and disappointment so that my heart would be completely open to an adopted child, that if the past two years were fate's way of making the timing exactly right for the child that is meant for me.

It's a nice thought. And one that I'm sure will become my mantra the minute I'm holding my baby, however that baby comes to me.

Eleven Down....One to Go

My test was negative today. I was indifferent to the results. It has become the norm to hear the bad news, at this point. I can only cry so many times.

The girls and I went on a field trip after getting the news. Wal-Mart to get me a diet Pepsi; Kohls for a shopping excursion; and McDonald's for grease.

And then I got back to the office and ran into a co-worker who is only in the office on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She had been looking for me the other day, wanted to tell me something before I heard it from someone else, was just going to say it.

"You're pregnant." It wasn't a question, because just like hearing the negative test result, hearing that other people are pregnant has become the norm. "I'm happy for you."

"I know you are."

"I'm probably going to cry, but I'm happy for you." And then I walked into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and sobbed.

After that one of my friends said, "maybe you just adopt. Isn't that what they say? You adopt, and then when you least expect it...."

But that's not going to happen to me. Unless Mr. Right suddenly shows up. It happens to those people because they have a husband, they're having sex. The only sex I'm having these days is protected, for the most part.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm ready to give up. But I won't. I have one try left and I have to do it. I've already called in my prescription refills for the next round of ovarian stimulants, even before I get my period.

And so I'll do what I've done the last 10 times I've heard, "the test was negative, if you want to try again, call us on the first day of your cycle." I'll feel sorry for myself for the weekend, and then get right back on the horse.

This, however, will be the last horse I'm riding. Win or lose. After the next round, I'm done.

Some days are so hard

Babies are everywhere. And if they're not there, their parents are, talking about them. And some days, I'm happy to listen and join in on the conversation, and others....not so much.

Today was one of those days.

A group of us went to lunch today and on the way drive back to work, it was nothing but babies.

And the right amount of years between the first and second. (Can I just have one, please, before all you breeders start planning for your next one?)

And when people were going to start trying to having a baby. "We're going to start in August." (And you'll probably be pregnant by the end of the year.)

And how one baby is getting teeth and the other one is walking. (I got nothing on that one, just sadness for myself.)

I went to read my Rochester friends' blog -- and shouldn't have since it's all about the little girl they just adopted. Probably not the best reading in my current mood. She's thisclose to crawling, and eating new foods and has new teeth. And I'm so happy for them -- and so sad and jealous.

It's one of those nights when I'm hoping for no baby-related shows, an easy fall to sleep, and a restful night. I have yoga tomorrow, and I'm hoping to be out of this mood by then.

I have my blood test on Thursday. I'm feeling indifferent. Some twinges, less than last month, but then again, I wasn't pregnant last month.

I'm so tempted to buy an HPT, but I won't.

But I want to.

Visualize...and Make it Happen

FG offered a class in making vision boards last week. It was at the same time as yoga, and not really wanting to be the only single one there, I opted to go to yoga. But that's not to say that I totally give up on the vision board idea.

Two procedures ago, he told me to visualize. "See what you want. Imagine what you will get. Think about a beautiful healthy baby. See your child." And so, I found this picture in a magazine and though, not every night, I try to look at this picture often.



I don't know what my child will look like. I only know that when I saw this picture in a magazine, it made me think of what my child could look like.

I showed FG two weeks ago when I went in for my IUI. He looked at the picture and grabbed my hand. "I have chills."

And for those who don't know what I look like, here is a picture of me at about 2 1/2.

My Inspirational Thought of the Day

I've made my share of mistakes, I've committed my share of sins. But I am still spiritual, still believe deeply in God. And especially over the past two years, I've found strength in praying and most recently in going back to church.

Last week, I was running errands downtown and stopped into church. As I was there, I was note really praying for guidance about J, more that I needed him in my life, that I knew it was wrong, but I'm not ready to let go of him, that he's all I've got.

At that EXACT moment, my cell phone vibrated, signaling a text. I opened it up to see a text from E. "In LA, thinking about you." I guess that was God's way of answering my statement. I guess He showed me.

~~~~~~

My sister-in-law sent this to me as an email and it really effected me.

I know I can't see the big picture of why I'm supposed to struggle with infertility or while I'm single or why anything is the way it is in my life. But I have to believe that there is a greater plan.

"We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we cannot."

And the wait begins

I had a relatively uneventful weekend and then started my progesterone (in oil via intramuscular shots and suppositories via....you know) and the Lovonox in my stomach. The bloating continues -- big distended belly each night.

My dilemma for today -- because I had IUI, I have moments where I actually forget that I could be pregnant. And so on Friday, during one of these lapses, I made a date for next Monday with E. Hmmmmm.

I spoke to the doctor's office today and they said, absolutely I can have sex, in fact "some couple even have sex after the IUI, you never know." I didn't correct the nurse that this is not my situation, but took the verdict and continued the deliberation of whether I should go or not.

Some friends say, don't go. If your test is negative, you will think that you did something wrong.

Others say, go. Enjoy yourself. Relax.

I thought about it all day. I called my sister-in-law and asked for her advice, but prefaced it with, I think I know what my decision is. She listened to both sides of the argument and then said, it's a tough call. What do you think?

I told her what I will tell you now, if I can't decide, if I'm waffling so much back and forth, then I probably know deep down that I shouldn't go.

I'm going to text him later tonight or tomorrow and tell him I had to have a "chick-related" procedure done and am on "vaginal rest" for the next 10 days, can we do it the following Monday?

If I'm not pregnant, consolation prize. If I am, I'll figure out what to tell him then.

Doin' Old School with an IUI

I went for my IUI today. Sixteen point eight million sperm were inserted into my uterus. I had acupuncture before and after. And then I came home and rested. I've got four good follicles on the right side, three C-grade on the left. And 16.8 million sperm! Could just one of them buy one of my girls a drink? Please? It's a sure bet.

When I was getting dressed, I heard the FG's voice in the hallway. I opened the door and he gave me a hug. "You could be pregnant right now."

"I don't know if they swim that fast."

"You need to think pregnant. Are you visualizing? Are you praying? Are you chanting? Are you relaxing? Are you thinking about what you want? It will come to you, or something better. What is meant to be yours, will be."

Just once, I want to lay my head on his lap, have him stroke my hair, and listen to him tell me about what it's like to live in his world. I want to know what it's like to live in a world where you are so happy and positive. All the time. Just being around makes me feel like I can be that positive.

I had a professor in college. I took all of his classes. And I wanted to marry him. I wasn't attracted to him. I was inspired by him. Whenever I left his class, I would get two feet out the door and I would have to stop and write down a million things that I wanted to write about, thoughts I had in my head.

That's the way I feel about the FG. I'm attracted to his mind and his spirit. And his willingness to do so much for so many people to help them fulfill their dreams.

When I walked through the waiting room, I saw someone I knew from high school. (He was actually the first person I "stepped up to the mike" with.) He said hi, so I stopped and said hi.

What exactly is the etiquette when you see someone at the fertility specialist's office anyway? As I was driving home I thought about it, and likened it to running into someone you know at the naughty store. You're both embarrassed and then you realize that you're both there for the same reason. We talked for a few minutes, he introduced me to his wife and then I was off to acupuncture.

I listened to my yoga CD on the drive home. Stayed relaxed. Tried to think pregnant. And then a deer started to run across the highway. I slowed down and I now know where the expression "deer in the headlights" comes from. She just stood there, until I beeped my horn and she ran back into the woods. I saved a life today. Always a good thing.

I rested all afternoon. I thought good thoughts. I have tomorrow off, though I will need to go up to the office to get some work to do over the weekend. Other than writing a couple of articles for a newsletter, it's going to be a low-key weekend, letting these millions of little guys try to find their way to one of my girls.

IVF, IUI -- Getting Knocked Up Somehow

I drove to Syracuse for yoga last night. When I got there, I noticed a little cramping in my stomach but thought that it was probably follicle growth. And didn't think about it again.

When I was driving home, I stopped for something to eat, and then a little while later noticed that my stomach hurt. More like I shouldn't have eaten McDonald's than anything else. Again, I didn't think anything of it.

I got home about 9pm, utterly exhausted at the prospect of doing anything other than falling into my bed. But, given that I had to leave my house at 6:15am to go back to Syracuse for a follicle check, I dragged myself into the shower. At least with a full shower and my hair out of the way, I would only have to take a quick jump in the shower in the morning.

And then I noticed it. The faintest of spotting. WTF?! I tried not to freak out. Spotting happens. It doesn't mean anything. I woke up twice in the middle of the night and checked. Nothing.

And then this morning, it was back again. The lightest and fairest amount while still existing. I thought about what it meant all the way to Syracuse. Three weeks of shots. Driving 60 miles round-trip every other day. Another month of waiting for this to just be over. All the way to Syracuse.

When I got to the doctor's office, I burst into tears as soon as the first nurse closed the exam door and asked how I was. "I think I'm getting my period." She calmly told me it could be the hormones, that my blood levels haven't indicated that I ovulated, that let's take it one step at a time and see what the ultrasound looked like and what my levels were today.

She then took my blood pressure, which is usually in the 100/70 or 95/66 range. Today? 141/100. Clearly I had gotten myself worked up.

Donna -- the nurse who has been monitoring me and doing all my ultrasounds -- came in and was just as calm as Cory had been. Lining looks good. Follicles still really full. But the blood work will be the determining factor.

We talked about options. Because it's my last IVF, we might not want to do that since the conditions aren't perfect. But she was concerned about this also being the last of my sperm. Not the case -- the donor I am using has more available. So she floated the idea of an IUI out there. Interesting.

(IUI is inter-uterine insemination and what I did for my first six attempts. They put the sperm directly into my uterus using a catheter, rather than retrieve the eggs and put embryos back in with IVF.)

She told me to get dressed and relax. She would call me once she got the blood work back. I managed to calm down on my way back to Ithaca. I listened to my yoga CD, cried only a few times, and by the time I got to work, I felt better.

Donna called around lunchtime. Was I still spotting? A little, but not that much. It hadn't worsened in any event. My blood levels indicated that I did not ovulate. "What do you want to do?"

"I'd be willing to do IUI this month."

"Good, that's what I think we should do too."

And so (unless I actually start bleeding tonight) the last three weeks of shots and trips to Syracuse and hormones and the anticipation and preparation aren't wasted. And it means two more tries, not one. Because if the IUI doesn't work, I still have the IVF to do.

So tomorrow? What else? Back to Syracuse. Acupuncture first, then the procedure, then another round of acupuncture. And then I'm going to take tomorrow and Friday off to lay low. And rest. And think good pregnancy thoughts.

Not the Fastest Growing Follicles

I went back to Syracuse this morning, for what I was hoping was the last follicle check. Not so fast. "You're not going to win any contests for the fastest-growing follicles, but they're close..."

The left ovary is still pretty sluggish -- the three follicles in 11-13mm at best. The right is very close. One of the four is 19mm, and the rest are right behind it. More shooting up tonight and tomorrow, and back to the doctor on Wednesday.

At this appointment, the nurse guessed that possibly Friday could be retrieval day.

So yoga tomorrow night, and back on Wednesday.

Pretty Woman

My friend Jill is out of town and I'm cat sitting. Which really means I drop by her house every three days or so, bring in her mail and make sure her cats have food and water. And usually, I'll hang out there for about half an hour to visit with the kitties. Not a big deal.

This morning I went over and on the kitchen counter was brand new Vera Bradley bag "from" the kitties. It was so sweet. I love the style -- totally different from my usual choices, but I wasn't crazy about the color. You'd think you couldn't go wrong with anything pink -- and usually that would be the case -- but I'm not crazy about the yellow.

There are three places in town that sell Vera Bradley -- a jewelry store at the mall, and on each of the campuses. I went to the mall to exchange it. It's Sunday. I'm in my "Sunday best" -- baseball hat, sweatshirt, capri sweat pants.

I walked into the store and was not acknowledged. I spent a good 10 minutes pulling different bags down and examining them. No one asked how I was doing, if I needed help, etc. Finally, I decided on one I liked. Same bag, different color. And decided to get the matching coin purse.

At the desk, the woman was on her cell phone, obviously retrieving messages. When she was done, she still hadn't asked me how I was or if I had found everything okay. I finally just took the lead. "I received this as a gift, and need to exchange it."

"Do you have a receipt?"

"It was a gift. The tag is still on it."

"I need the receipt. Can you call the person you got it from and get the invoice number off the receipt?"

"No. She's on vacation. She left it for me at her house this morning. I'm watching her cats. It's an exact exchange. Can't you just do it? Please?"

"No. That's not the way our system works. Get the receipt and you can come back and exchange it."

I smiled and put my purse back in the gift bag. "No, that's okay. I'd rather keep it than give this store any business." And with that, I walked out.

I've worked retail on and off for nearly 20 years. It's just basic common courtesy. Say hello when people walk in. Ask if they need help, and if they say no, leave them alone. If they look indecisive while they're shopping, go over and offer an opinion. And if you're on the phone -- business or personal -- acknowledge the person that walks up to the counter. Even if you have to whisper, "I'll be right with you."

The unfortunate thing is that this is one of the nicer jewelry stores in town. However, while it may be a nice store, it's still just a jewelry store in a fucking mall in Ithaca, not on Rodeo Drive or Fifth Avenue.

Getting Bigger

I had yoga in Syracuse last night, and then went up there again this morning for a follicle check. Before leaving the house this morning, I changed my clothes several times, looked at my belly in the mirror and finally pulled a maternity top out of the clothes my niece gave me.

Even if I'm never pregnant, I know what I look like. The good news, I have actually lost a pound this month; the bad, I look five months pregnant. Thankfully I could sit at my desk most of the day once I got to work.

The doctor appointment went well -- my biggest follicle is 15mm and the rest are coming up behind it. So I'll go back on Friday, and the nurse said that my retrieval could be as early as Monday or Tuesday next week.

Sluggish

That was the word the nurse used today when she looked at my left ovary. The follicles in the right seem to be growing, but the left ovary looks "sluggish," so they've upped my Gonal-F from 450 to 600. Can't wait to experience the side effects. I go back on Wednesday for another follicle check. At this point, I'm guessing retrieval at the end of next week.

I talked to my sister over the weekend. It was her birthday and she's getting ready for my parents' visit. I told her about how our dad's mouth and bigotry has gotten worse over the past year. And whether he says things to get a rise out of me or it really is just old age, it still pisses me off and embarrasses me. How the "n" word comes out of his mouth, even though I've told both of my parents that it bothers me, especially given my upcoming choices related to adoption.

This is my last month to give him a white grandchild, most likely. And would I love to get pregnant this month? More than anything. And it has absolutely nothing to do with it being a white child, it has to do with wanting to experience being pregnant, to understand that special feeling and privilege that comes with being a pregnant woman.

If I don't get pregnant, I will see what options I have through DSS and simultaneously move forward with private adoption. My options as single woman are the United States (although I'm not sure what exactly that means), Ethiopia, Nepal and Kazakhstan.

Kazakhstan requires two trips; not really feasible in my situation. So maybe the United States (and almost certainly a child of color), Nepal and Ethiopia. Any would be absolutely fine with me. And whether or not, it's fine with my father, I will try not to care.

Winding Down

My follicles are slow-growing, but everyone at the FG's office is so great. "It's okay, slow and steady wins the race." It made me feel better when even I could tell on the ultrasound that there was little change from Wednesday to Friday. But there are seven, so I'll take that as a good sign.

The baseball game last night was great. And at one point, I realized that I had been so into the game and keeping score and enjoying my friends, that I had actually not thought about the baby project for like four or five innings. Amazing.

Today my sister, niece and nephews came to visit. It was so much fun. We went to Buttermilk Falls, had a picnic of Subway and McDonald's and then played on the playground for an hour. Once they left, I had a marathon of laundry-washing, grocery shopping, and banking -- and home in time for the Yankees-Phillies game.

Laundry put away, fruit and veggies cut up and in the fridge, sheets changed. Tomorrow, clean and steam the rugs, mop the floors and take a nap. :)

A Whirlwind Week

Sunday, I worked all day. It was commencement, and I was responsible for getting the pictures immediately from the photographers and uploading them to the website.

Monday, I met my parents for dinner after work. They are leaving for San Diego next week for vacation and wanted to see me. I thought it was amusing that while talking about ESPN, my father told me that he thinks E is "an asshole."

I tried not to giggle too much. "Why? He's great when he's on Mike & Mike."

"I can't stand him. He's not as good as Mike and Mike." I'll remember that the next time he fucks me.

Tuesday, I left work early to head up to Syracuse for yoga for fertility class at the FG's office. It was really great. I enjoyed it a lot. And given that this is my last show, I'm trying to do everything I can, giving myself the best chance to get pregnant this month.

After class, I stopped at Gannon's (one of my favorite places in Syracuse) for ice cream and drove home. Got home about 8:15, jumped in the shower, fell asleep to the Yankees game by 9:15.

This morning I was awake at 5am, out of bed at 5:30 and out the door at 6. Back to Syracuse for a follicle check. I decided -- again, because this is the last month -- that I would do my follicle checks in Syracuse. Last month dragged on too long, and maybe things would have been different if FG's office had been monitoring me instead of my local doctor sending reports up. I had at 7:30 appointment and was at my desk by a little after 9. After work tonight, I have an appointment with Lucia at 5:30. It will be an even earlier night to bed tonight.

Tomorrow, I've got acupuncture at 4, and meeting a friend for dinner at 6. Friday morning, another trip to Syracuse, for an 8am appointment. Friday night, B-Mets game in Binghamton. Saturday, my niece and sister are coming down for the day. And Monday, my bonus day off, I have to go back to Syracuse for an 8:30 appointment.

Sometime in there, I have to do laundry and clean the house. And I'm definitely going to need a nap, at least one day.

I'm tired just thinking about it, and just want to put my head down.

Updates on J and E to come...(didn't get to see E this week, he had to go to NYC for work, but he was so sweet about being bummed that it almost made up for it)

Shooting Up Already

I went in yesterday for my baseline ultrasound and blood work. I start with the ovary stimulants tonight. Still on 450 of the Gonal-F, but they are doubling the Menopur (from 75 to 150). I gained eight pounds in 11 days last month -- I'm so looking forward to what the drugs will do to my body this month.

I weighed myself the other day, pre-period, and I am officially up 34 pounds from the start of all of this. I know. I know. It doesn't matter. But it does. It's so hard to get dressed each day. It's so hard to feel good about myself in clothes other than sweatpants and jeans.

But this is it. I'm either pregnant this month or I start working out hard-core with Adam again. And that's that.

With the double hormones, who knows what my follicle growth will be like, so that really only gives me a window of this week with E. I texted him last night and asked if he had time on Wednesday or Thursday. We're going back and forth on details for Wednesday, still very much up in the air.

It's amazing how starting this cycle again really puts my focus right back on that. So much so that if I don't get to see E this week, I'll be a little disappointed, but whatever.

10,000th visitor

I'm very close to having had 10,000 visits to this little site of mine. I know I don't have a huge base of readers, but those of you who do read, read regularly. If you happen upon this page and see 10,000 on the site meter, send me a note or write me a comment. I'd love to know who the lucky 10,000th visitor is. Maybe I'll even send you a present.

The First Flaw with the FG

The Fertility Guru rents out the Syracuse zoo once a year for his families. There are magicians, face painters, activities for kids, etc. It's something that I've heard about from my friends, and something that I look forward to being able to go to someday.

Friday, I got home from work after hearing about my negative blood test. I cried several times on the way home and was looking forward to curling up on my chair with Casey and not thinking about anything.

I got my mail and there was an invitation in there for FG's event at the zoo. Seriously? This had to be some kind of mistake. Or maybe I was being overly sensitive. I did just get horrible news a mere three hours earlier. I called a friend who had used FG for her three kids.

"That's wrong. You need to address this with him."

I polled other friends, and everyone agreed that it wasn't right that I got it. I shouldn't have been invited. I thought about saying something to one of the nurses when I was up there on Monday, getting checked for my UTI, but chickened out.

Today, I saw the invitation on my desk and decided that I would write to FG. I had Hope and Heather help with the wording, and even though I typed it on the computer, in the end, we felt that a hand-written note was best.

And so...

Dear FG,

I received the invitation last week to the Party with the Animals event, and can only hope that there was a mistake with the mailing list.

If there was no mistake, and I really should have received it, I would ask you to reconsider sending invitations to events like this – where there will be lots of success stories in person – to women who have yet to be successfully pregnant.

I’ve known about this event from my friends who have had children with your help. I’ve been excited about the day that I can go with my own child.

In every other instance, I have been given the utmost support and encouragement from you and your entire staff. But I couldn't let this go by without letting you know how I felt.

Sincerely,
Ellie Lincoln