Sunday Bloody Sunday

At least my body doesn't let me psyche myself into believing that the test was a false positive. I woke up this morning to my period and quickly realized I had very little in way of supplies to deal with it. Ugh.

I started making a list of questions for the doctor. Hope is going with me to the baseline to help ask questions and be an extra set of ears.

* what more can I do?
* what are the chances of getting pregnant?
* did the increase of Gonal-F and Menopur cause over-stimulation to the point that the follicles stopped growing and it caused the spotting?
* should FG re-examine me to see where things stand with my reproductive levels?
* would taking a month off make any difference?

That's what we have so far. It will be good for Hope to be there. I ask why I'm not getting pregnant and I get an answer like, "you're doing all you can." Hope will push and ask for an actual medical explanation.

For the past two years, I've never wavered. I've never doubted myself or my decision. This is what I'm supposed to do. I can be a single mother. I will have no trouble with it. But now, as I'm nearing my last chance, I am starting to doubt adoption.

How reasonable is it to take on a debt that large and add another person to my household? A person who is 100% dependent on me for all of his or her needs?

I'm casting the net, and actually this is where Fran being Fran is a good thing. She's casting the net. She's got her Nigerian priest looking into adopting from his country, she's working something with a woman who may or may not have someone in her family to take care of her baby which has to be taken from her as soon as she gives birth, and then she asked my oldest sister about anything that her husband may have (he's the former DA of a small town and now has his own private practice).

Hope asked me the other day if, knowing that I believe in fate and destiny, I needed to go through the past two years of failure and disappointment so that my heart would be completely open to an adopted child, that if the past two years were fate's way of making the timing exactly right for the child that is meant for me.

It's a nice thought. And one that I'm sure will become my mantra the minute I'm holding my baby, however that baby comes to me.