Dual Track

So I thought I had made a decision. I would move forward with the egg donor, and pick up where I left off with the adoption. The next step -- the home study -- is $1600. I figured if I get pregnant, hooray and who cares if I'm out that money. But if I don't, then if I hadn't been doing anything, I would be that many more months behind. It felt like a good decision.

And then it didn't. And then it did. Round and round, I kept doubting myself and then thinking that it was the right decision. Why am I so insistent to be pregnant? Is it that important? Am I being selfish? Should I just move forward? The goal is to be a mother right? Not pregnant.

And so I called in the expert, and on Saturday I went to see Lucia. She helped me look at things clearly. First question from her -- where is this selfish talk coming from? And I realized it goes back to my fight with Tim last year, and the fact that I'm still shaken from seeing him and having him start in on me again last month.

She made me see that being pregnant is an important part of the process, and one that I will have to grieve if I don't get pregnant. It's what a woman's body was meant to do, and wanting to carry a baby -- biologically mine or not -- is not something that is a selfish want. It's natural.

It all seemed clear. And so with no guarantees of how I'm going to get a baby, but still hope that I may be able to carry a baby, I continue to wait for the doctor's office to find another woman to share the egg donor with and I called my adoption contact and started the process. I sent her a check for $1600 yesterday and she'll be doing my home study in October.

I've been working out harder and harder at the gym, building up my stamina. I'm exhausted, and it's okay. Because when I'm at the gym -- and even lately when I'm sleeping -- I'm not thinking. I;m not thinking about the extra weight, I'm not thinking about the heart ache, not thinking about babies -- mine or anyone else, and I'm not thinking about making plans. Just sweating. And working. And making myself tired.

Everything else is out of my hands right now. There is nothing more I can do. I've got everything moving forward. And so I'll just keep sweating and exhausting myself. It makes life easier.