I'm Weak...But Getting Better

(I have to admit that I'm writing this while I'm supposed to be paying attention in a computer training session at work. You gotta love the back row in the computer lab.)

Tuesday, I got home and immediately finished with my pre home-study cleaning, especially vacuuming and steam cleaning the rug near Casey's litter box. When I turned off the cleaner, I heard the shrill beeps of my cell phone, indicating a text from J.

Literally out loud, I said, "really?"

I went downstairs and saw that he had actually texted 15 minutes ago. "I blew off work and am drinking wine down in Fell's Point. Does that make me bad?"

"Not bad enough. If you're going to blow off work, you should be getting blown, doncha think?"

It went downhill from there. For the next two hours. Including me sending him the picture I took for E of my in the pink oxford. "Speechless" was the response to that.

"You're with friends. Call me when you're driving home."

"You better be naked....it'll be a while."

He never actually stopped texting, even though he was obviously out with friends. "I will be, and I supposed you'll be worth the wait."

"It will be worth it. Just get naked. You're hot...enjoy it."

And he's stepped up his texting. A couple, I wondered if these were really from J or from E. But they were from J. He was a little more forceful, and I told him I was digging this tougher J in control of me.

When he finally called, about 8:30, there was no small talk. I could actually hear him slapping the monkey. And what I love about the phone sex with him, he does all the talking. And he knows exactly what he wants to be doing, what he wants me to be doing. Until the point in the conversation when he said... "we're fucking in perfect rhythm, I'm kissing you so deeply, we've never experienced anything like this with anyone else we've been with."

I stopped what I was doing and looked at the phone. Did he really just say that? Seriously?! I didn't even know how to respond to that, and thankfully I didn't have to, he kept going. And then, perhaps more disturbing that the previous, "our bodies are becoming one."

WTF! I know I should have killed the mood right then and there and called him on the utter inappropriateness of that. Who would have thought that given this entire situation between the two of us for the past eight years that anything could be even more inappropriate than that? Well, he managed to do it not once, but twice.

When we were done with the dirty talk, he asked about the baby making and I filled him in on where I was in the process. He asked about my mood and how I was, related to the miscarriage. I glossed over the sadness, and told him about how being extra hormone-free had effected me last month.

"I could have bitten someone's head off for sex."

"Really? And..."

"Well, I have this guy who's been giving me blue balls for the past eight years, but he told me we would get together before the next cycle started, he would look at his schedule and call me in the next week."

"What happened?"

"You never called."

"Oh, that's me. Sorry, El."

"You've been giving me blue balls for the past eight years."

"You can't have blue balls."

"Oh no...I'm more like a guy when it comes to sex...can do it without mushiness and emotions, and baby if this ever happens, my hand will be on the back of your head pushing it down just like a guy."

He laughed, but I figured this was an opportune time. "I told you a long time ago that I have no expectations of you, just the ones you give me." I know I had delivered this message before, but it was via text. Who knows if he really heard it? But I could make sure now that he heard it.

"I know. You're right." And then he tried to change the subject. "Will you keep me posted after your next doctor appointment?"

"We're not done with that conversation."

"What are you thinking about?"

"Honestly? I'm wondering if this is ever going to happen, you and me, some afternoon."

"I don't know what to tell you EllieLincoln." (Whenever he says my full name, he says it as all one word.)

"You're the only one who can know." There was some silence and then back to the baby talk. I should have been firm, I should have gone in for the kill, I should have told him that until or unless he actually follows through, we can't do this anymore.

I should have....but I didn't. I don't know why it's so hard to cut the cord with him, but it is.

We talked some more about Baltimore stuff -- the Orioles, baseball, the museum. We talked more about the baby stuff -- he's so fascinated by it all.

And then he said something about the picture I sent him. "You looked so hot in it, sexy. I really liked the one you sent me last month too, but in that one you looked cute, almost vulnerable because your hair was wet, just out of the shower..."

"So did you show your friends at the bar, the hot redhead with the nice rack?"

"Oh no...that's all for me. And listen to you, nice rack..."

"Do you disagree?"

"It's better than nice."

I guess that's why it's so hard to cut the cord. Because he's good for my ego. Although Bubbles challenged me on that last night. "You just had a fucking ESPN radio star drive over an hour to meet you at a hotel room when he didn't even know you. J not only knows you, but you two have this amazing connection, explosive sexual attraction...and he can't get off his ass to meet you. Why do you put up with it? What is it going to take for you to say enough is enough?"

I didn't have an answer for her last night, and I really don't have an answer for you now. I just have to hope that someday soon enough will be enough.