How to Win Friends and Influence People

This is long, but so worth it. I have to give the background, first. We are working on an academic conference on the works of Rod Serling at the College, to be held in the fall. We received paper proposals and as a committee, decided on who we should accept and who we shouldn't. We were up in the air on this one guy, because he tends to be a pain in the ass, but he is knowledgeable on the subject. So rather than outright dismiss him, we decided to throw him a bone and have him host a marathon one of the nights.

So the other day, this is what I wrote to him:

Hello,

On behalf of the Conference Committee, I am sorry to inform you that your paper proposal has not been accepted for inclusion at the fall conference, "Celebrating 50 Years of The Twilight Zone."

We received a great number of proposals -- nearly double the amount of proposals we have received in previous years -- and the caliber of all the proposals made this a difficult decision.

However, the committee would like to ask you host the TZ marathon and introduce each episode (the night is still TBD) at the Conference in October. We will do an online poll and use the top three vote-getters, a pick from each the president and the dean, and then ask you to choose the remaining three episodes to show.

If this is still acceptable to you, please let me know no later than May 7.

thanks, Ellie

To which I almost immediately received the following:

If you think that, after coming up last year for NO MONEY and doing TWO presentations (the marathon plus my multimedia presentation) that BOTH of Serling's daughters came up to me with tears in their eyes thanking me, and then, this year, offering to DESIGN your materials FOR NO MONEY--which you, Ms. Lincoln, basically REFUSED--and then, to have my efforts REBUFFED like your letter above, when i just got done presenting BOTH presentations to the NY Comic Convention this past February (and the upcoming summer San Diego Convention, the country's BIGGEST pop culture convention this July, which would both HONOR the 50th TZ anniversary AND give YOUR October celebration a plug), is the HEIGHT of your DISRESPECT of both myself and my efforts to promote The Twilight Zone, and more importantly, Rod Serling's memory.

And for even MY TZ Marathon idea to be basically REJECTED in favor of a mixed-committee hodgepodge with NO FOCUS only adds to the SLAP IN THE FACE you have just DISRESPECTED me with even FURTHER.

So good luck with your symposium WITHOUT my presentations, which only makes YOU, the RS Foundation, and ALL the attendees POORER without my participation.

You all don't DESERVE me.

One of my committee members thought I should write back to him, so we had it in writing, that we were taking this as rejecting the offer to host the marathon. So in my sweetest email voice possible:

Thank you for replying to my email so quickly. I will take this as you declining our offer to host the marathon. We will fill the slot with someone else.

thanks, Ellie

And then:

SCREW YOU, Ms. Lincoln.

We all got a chuckle out of it, except for one of my committee members -- a retired faculty member -- who was incensed that anyone would speak to me that way. So he fired off an email to this asshole.

Dear Asshole (he actually the guy's real name, but this is more fun):

I've been following the correspondence between you and Ellie Lincoln.

Even though the committee decided not to include your proposed paper in the program, we felt -- based on your participation in our earlier conference, and your knowledge of Serling and his work -- that you would appreciate the opportunity to participate in our third Serling event. But, your responses to this offer have shocked all of us... and I personally find your ranting extremely offensive and unprofessional. Your last comment to Ms. Lincoln was unbelievably rude. I'm surprised that anyone aspiring to be involved in future events honoring this "master" television writer would allow such a "temper tantrum" to be transmitted in writing -- on the internet yet!

If your paper proposal had any merit to begin with, it has certainly been greatly diminished by your reaction to the committee's ruling. You have proven, by your actions, that you clearly lack the ability to communicate within either professional or academic circles.

I knew Asshole wouldn't be able to not have the last word. Sure enough, about an hour later:

If you think, Mr. Weber, that I'm going to take even MORE time out of my day to dissect and respond to your holier-than-thou, high-&-mighty, ivory-tower BULLSHIT spewed in your e-mail below, sorry--I've got more important work for clients who not only PAY me for my hard work, but more importantly, RESPECT me for that hard work, for my EXPERIENCE, and my KNOWLEDGE.

But YOU Binghamton people have your HEADS so far UP YOUR COLLECTIVE ASSES that [one of the committte members]--for one--NEVER EVEN RESPONDED to the 12-minute DVD that I sent her a few months ago, that I made of a Twilight Zone VIDEO INSTALLATION I was invited to participate in, using the words, images, and music from the series (like my VISIONS presentation does). So other than the RUDENESS of getting ABSOLUTELY NO REACTION FROMM HER, gee, Mr. Weber, does ANY ONE of the "participants" your and your FUCKED-UP committee chose OVER ME have the ARTISTIC CAPABILITIES AND WHEREWITHAL to put such a piece of TWILIGHT ZONE ART together as my 12-miniute video installation represents? That I was offering to your "institution" (as in MENTAL institution at this point) for FREE because I love and honor Rod Serling's memory & The Twilight Zone like NO ONE ELSE?

Can ANYONE Ms. Lincoln chose OVER ME to design your graphic materials (for FREE again, mind you) for your symposium BETTER SUITED than me, the man who not only created and designed all of the aforementioned, but to this day, has designed the ONLY coffeetable art book about the series, both Zicree's and Gordon Sanders' TZ book covers, as well as my multimedia show that I've been presenting for OVER TWENTY YEARS?!?!?!?!?

The answer to all of the above is, of course, NO. But YOU, Mr. Weber, as part of this "committee," I assume, have YOUR OWN fucked-up "agendas" that obviously have NOTHING to do with RESPECTING me and what SHOULD have been a WELCOMING of my participation--you people should have been INVITING me to come this year, given my TRACK RECORD on all things Twilight Zone.

But instead, you chose to DIMINISH and DISRESPECT me by throwing me in with all your other BORING presenters (trust me, I saw PLENTY last year), and then, to add insult to injury, expected me to GROVEL for the CRUMBS of a mini-marathon that, last year, I SINGLE-HANDEDLY turned from a potential dark room showing random TZ episodes (like ALL past TZ marathons at conventions) into a full-fledged intellectual discourse in the TZ ("Five Themes of The Twilight Zone").

So for that, Mr. Weber, I say to YOU, and to Ms. Lincoln, and the ENTIRE Ithaca community that rejected me so DISGUSTINGLY:

FUCK YOU ALL.

And yes, Weber, I have the balls to do it here, "on the internet" even. FUCK YOU, personally, for having the unmitigated GALL to write back to me with your sanctimonious, self-serving CRAP. Stick it up your ASS where it belongs.