He's Just Not That Into You

Last week, while I was in Baltimore, Bubbles and I went to see "He's Just Not That Into You." And it was as if someone followed us around and wrote down scenes from our life.

Seriously.

The scenes between Scarlett Johansson and Bradley Cooper (who is married to Jenifer Connelly) were especially weird for me to watch. From the first innocent meeting between the soon-to-be femme fatale and the married guy, it was me and J. The innocent flirting. She called him. He freaked out. And then he thought about, and he called her back a week later. Even the conversations, the escalation in flirtation were eerily familiar.

We laughed, we pointed, we editorialized. We covered our mouths in horror and fascination as it played out before us. And then I said, "oh my god, I'm Scarlett Johansson."

From the very first scene on the playground, when the mother tells her daughter that the little boy was mean to her because he liked her -- who hasn't heard that before? Even now, in our 30s, we hear it. We think it. We still figure they're playing that game, so we have to, too.

And we keep that message going. The little boy on the playground who pulled our pigtails because he liked us, is now all grown up, and he doesn't call because he likes us.

We analyze -- over-analyze -- every small touch, every text message, every word. We analyze what time of day he called, how many days between texts.

We think about every happily ever after story we've heard.

"When I met him, he was happily married, but now look. He left her. He's divorced and now we're together and it's great."

"She pushed back and told him that if he couldn't make a commitment, she would leave. And the next day, he proposed."

"He didn't call, but I thought, why does he have to call, so I called him after the day, that night. And we've been married five years."

When really, what we should be telling ourselves, is that these happily ever after stories are urban legends. Fairy tales to give us hope. To make us more neurotic. When really, what we should be doing...we should....what should we do? Someone tell me, because I sure as hell don't know.

I'm still clinging to the he left his wife because he decided he couldn't live without me legend. (Not entirely, but for the sake of this, we'll say that's the case.)

I've heard the urban legends. I've told a few, I'm sure. And if I stopped to think about it, I would actually believe that it was more than a friend of a friend's cousin, that I had direct knowledge of the happily ever after relationship.

The movie laid it all out there. "No matter what he says to make you feel bad about it, don't fall for it. You just got dumped." "You are the rule, not the exception." And of course, the title of the movie.

For the majority of this two hour and nine minute movie, it was the self-help book every single girl needs to read, the tough-love therapist every single girl needs to listen to, the older, wiser sister we need to go to for advice.

It was telling us to stop being foolish, to have some self-respect, to stop thinking about the white knight coming in on his horse. To date, to move on if he doesn't call, to date some more.

And then it came crashing down. As only Hollywood could do....in the last 10 minutes, they forgot their own core message, they forgot what they were peddling, and tied up every relationship with a neat little bow. Happily every after.

And so if you go see this movie, get up and leave after Jennifer Aniston tells Ben Affleck that it's okay if they don't get married, she just doesn't want to lose him. Right there. Leave. Out of the theater. Don't look back.

Because after telling us for two hours that we are the rule, not the exception, this movie shows us that Jennifer Anniston is the exception, not the rule. Giving us hope on that urban legend that you can give him an ultimatum, and even if the very core of his being is against marriage, he'll give in.

At least Scarlett Johansson doesn't end up with Bradley Cooper, or I might be packing up and moving to Baltimore.