Weekend Update

It's been a whirlwind -- I'll do my best to update since my last post.

Thursday, I stayed at work late to make and print signs for the benefit. I was there until 7. As I was carrying two boxes of stuff up the stairs, I needed to go to the bathroom, but I decided to wait until I got home so I didn't have to rebalance the boxes. When I got home, I was welcomed with the tell-tale signs that I was not pregnant. No need to go for the blood test tomorrow.

I walked around my house, not knowing what to do, now knowing if I wanted to talk to anyone or not. I cried a little, then laughed at myself for being a baby, and then cried again. I finally decided to call Wanda -- because no matter the situation, no matter the circumstance, she always knows what to say. And she made me feel a little better.

Friday morning, I hit the ground running. But first I had to deal with the doctor's office. I called, told them I got my period, and made an appointment for an ultrasound for Monday. Since my clomid was doubled last month, I fully expect there to be residual cysts, which will mean taking this month off from fertility treatments.

I went to the bank, the grocery store, the gas station, the dollar store and Wal-mart -- and home before noon. I finished making baskets, made last-minute changes to my spreadsheet, made signs, packed my car and picked up a sheet cake from the college, and then was on my way to Syracuse to spend the night at my niece's.

Saturday morning, I was at the legion by 9:30 -- and I needed all that time before the event started to get my raffle items (all 22 on the high-end table, and all 107 for the low-end!) labled and tagged, sorted by time slot (we turned the low-end table over every 45 minutes) and stored under the tables. I had color-coded tables, signs and raffle tickets. call me anal -- but it was a well-oiled machine.

the day went by so fast. I got to see people I hadn't seen in 20 years, people I used to work at Green Hills with. It was fun and constant and amazing. Every 20 minutes, i was skimming the cash box where my parents were selling raffle tickets, and taking wads of 20s, 50s and 100s to the cash room.

I had no idea how much we raised, but I don't know how we could have raised more. Everyone gave it their all, and the fact that we organized this in six weeks is all the more amazing.

And so, the take-away, is that the benefit couldn't have happened at a better time for me. Being so busy -- and being so busy at something that I love to do -- was the prefect medicine. I didn't think about the fact that I had another failed attempt, I didn't feel overly sad about it - and seeing the family we were helping, really put everything into perspective. so I'm not pregnant yet. Here's a 36-year-old man fighting for his life.

And so, I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. And I will probably pull that adoption paperwork out a little more. I don't know if I'll do anything with it yet, but that option is becoming stronger and stronger. And one that I'm becoming more comfortable with. And the comfort -- or lack of -- isn't about the adoption, it's about giving up the pregnancy dream