The Rise and Fall

So it's been almost a week since the insemination. I started the progesterone suppositories on Saturday. That will help with implantation -- the vital step my acupuncturist is convinced I am failing. And so is all of this extra information from her a good thing or a bad thing?

Yesterday I was thinking bad. I woke up, feeling really warm. But when I took my temperature, it was 97.8 -- down from 98.3 the day before. Now mind you, for me, 97.8 is still pretty high. But Dr. Wong has impressed upon me how important it is that my temperature stay high, that I stay as warm as possible. All day yesterday, I was bummed -- even though rationally I knew that it was too early in my cycle for the plummet to mean that I was about to get my period. I was thinking of it as my cold, little womb was not a good environment for my fertilized egg.

I had an acupuncture appointment yesterday afternoon, and she was still optimistic about my temperature, but pointed out, as if this is something I can truly control, that it needs to go back up the next day and stay up. OK, I'll do my best.

I've been trying not to look at signs. I haven't figured out what my due date would be, other than I know it would be sometime in November. I'm so concerned about the negative test, and then immediately try to put it out of my head so that I can stay positive. I'm trying not to talk about it too much with my friends who know.

But...the signs are there. At least things feel different from the previous three attempts. All weekend, whenever I ate, no matter how much or how little, I felt nauseated. Sunday, I drank a Sprite and that was the first time that any sort of caloric intake settled in my stomach. And I feel something inside, something I can't quite put my finger on. Maybe it's an inner peace since I've been praying to St. Gerard every night, or maybe it's my intuition telling me that this time it worked.

And then there's my temperature. 98.3 this morning. So there's still hope. And as my friend Hope says, "you gotta have hope." And so I'll stay hopeful, a little more optimistic than cautious this time around, and think the best.