Current Mood: Wistful

I've been thinking about BB (my 20-years-older lover from Baltimore) a lot lately. I miss him, I even had a dream about him the other night. When we were together, he made me feel special and like I was the only one who mattered. What I knew -- and accepted -- was that when we weren't together, he was making someone else feel like that. He was just that type of person, would never be monogamous, could never be monogamous. And that didn't make him a bad person. He needed to feel special and wanted -- and women made him feel that way.

And like I said, I accepted it. I never wanted more from him. I knew that a real relationship -- for reasons beyond his commitment issues -- would never work. And when I left Baltimore, I kissed him good-bye, said thanks for the good times, and moved to Ithaca. With 350 miles between us, we were of no use to the other one. And so the relationship -- on every level -- was over.

And for the past three and a half years, I've thought about him occasionally. Brought stories about him out during a girls' night when liquor was plentiful. But beyond that, not so much.

Until lately. I'm not sure if I'm thinking of him because I'm restless, or horny. Or if I'm really missing him or the idea of him. As much as I want a relationship...if I can't, it would be nice to just have that kind of friend. The kind you can call for a quickie or an all-nighter. A nooner or a weekend away.

And because I've been thinking about BB, it has also made me want to call Chris. Not because I miss him, but because I miss what he can give me. I've even had "dates" set up with Chris in the past few months, but always cancel with some lame excuse. In the end, I know that he will disappoint, that he will not make me feel special, he will not make me feel like I'm the only who matters.

And so whenever I think about making that phone call, or actually following through with the Chris hook-up, I think about what my friend Jill said to me, "I don't care if you have sex with him. I just hate that he gets to have sex with you."

I may think I'm the type of girl who can have meaningless sex -- and I have, successfully, in the past -- but when it comes down to it, to have a booty call friend, I need there to be some level of caring, some level of mutual respect. And that's what I had with BB, and as much as I tried to fool myself, I never had that with Chris.