Rocket Man

I LOVE Family Guy. And I think Seth McFarlane has been added to my top 5 list, for his humor more than his looks (and he's not bad looking).



This makes me chuckle every time it's on.

Randomness in the Pew

I really should bring my computer to church -- setting aside the inappropriateness -- I do a lot of thinking that I want to write here, and then always forget half of it by the time I get home.

I've been trying not to say "please" so much when I pray, and more thank you. So instead of "please let me be the person I was always meant to be...a mom," it's more about "thank you for Ginger and the strength I've gained over the past three years." I still do my share of "asking for" but I've also learned to be grateful.

I thought about Chris and J, too. Thankful that I've managed to stay away from both of them. And I wish them both the best....Chris, safety wherever he is and hopefully that he won't have to go back to the desert....and J, the ability, for lack of a better word, to be a better husband and hopefully I'm as far as he's strayed.

A friend from work -- the man who runs the gym I go to on campus -- has been attending the same mass I have for the past month or so. He sits closer to the front, so I don't know if he's seen me or not. I know he's going through some trouble in his marriage -- his wife left him and is now living with another man.

I haven't noticed it when I see him at the gym, but I can see a certain sadness in him at church. Like something is missing. And then I wondered tonight if I have that sadness about me. Or only those who have had something and lost it, rather than those who never have.

Getting Better, But Still Fragile

I was getting ready for bed last night and realized that I was getting my period. Again. I just had it two weeks ago. Ginger would be going for her U/S and cyst drainage today. WTF?! I ran down the stairs and sent an email to Pati, told her to call if I needed to come in this morning.

I never heard from her, but of course it was after 9:00, and she does get to the office at 6:00. I didn't cry. I tried to stay rational. Worse case scenario, this cycle is scrapped. Sometime about 3:30am, after sleeping on and off, I realized that a period isn't a horrible thing. It's cleaning out the old, my lining is thinning again, it's all okay. I think. It was enough to let me sleep the rest of the night until my alarm went off.

And my thoughts were confirmed when Pati emailed me about 8:00 to tell me that getting a period was fine. Ginger had her cyst drained and her blood work later in the afternoon confirmed that we are all good to go.

I will continue with my Lupron shots, and add five estrace pills (three orally, two vaginally), baby aspirin and fertile garden pills (herbal pills) starting tonight. Ginger begins her shots on Saturday. Wednesday, I'll go in for my ultrasound. And if all goes well, the plan is for her to have the retrieval on February 10. Three to five days later, transfer!

And so on the anniversary of the day I saw my angel baby with no heartbeat, I got good news.

My Body Needed That

Students were back today, which meant my gym reopened tonight. I gave up several weeks ago on my resolution of working out at home for 20 minutes a day. I realized that there is a reason I go directly from my office to the gym every night. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Office to gym. Because there is nothing that can distract me. Like my pajamas, and the computer, and a book. And eventually my bed.

And so after I stopped beating myself up a few weeks ago and just accepted that it wasn't going to happen, I started to look forward to tonight. New music on the iPod and ready for the treadmill. My knee aches, my shoulders hurt, and it felt great.

I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up. At minimum, I'm guessing two or three weeks, depending on how things go with Ginger and the next IVF round. But I'll keep it up until then.

Which brings me to Ginger and my next round of IVF. I'm starting to get nervous. And scared. And still excited. I'm supposed to go to Montana in April for work, but I don't want to if I'm pregnant. I don't want to fly and I don't want to have to work a trade show on my feet for three full days.

One of the coordinators emailed all of us today asking for full name, DOB, etc so she can start to book the tickets. I don't want to tell her I'm not going because of medical reasons, because maybe I don't be pregnant by then. But I also don't want to waste the College money and have her book a ticket for me.

It's that fine line of trying not to not plan for the future because who knows what the future holds while also trying to be positive and think about what I want to the future to be. Wow....that was a run-on. But I think you get the drift.

I guess I need to not worry about anything for a few days. Ginger goes in on Wednesday. I shouldn't look beyond that.

Ginger Update

Ginger had her appointment yesterday and the cyst was still present. We will continue to stay on Lupron (and I will continue to have stomach discomfort), and she goes back on Wednesday. If the cyst is still there, they'll drain it.

They don't seem to be concerned with it, so I shouldn't be either.

Vegas or Here....I'll take these odds

From the Winter issue of Conceive...

"A couple in their 20s has approximately a 25% chance of conceiving each month, and after four or five months of trying, most women in their early 20s become pregnant. By the late 20s, it takes an average of six to seven months to conceive. For women in their 30s, there's a 10 to 15% chance of getting pregnant each month, and it will take an average of seven to 12 months to conceive. By age 40, there's just a 5% chance of conceiving each month, and the rate drops precipitously as women age."

"....Often women who choose to use donor eggs are older than 35, but the maternal age of egg donors is generally under 35, making the chance of successfully conceiving and carrying the pregnancy to term higher. The chance of success is 50.5% per cycle, and women who commit to two donor cycles have a 75.5% chance of having a baby; with three cycles the success rate rises to 87.9%."



....and I've made a conscious choice to change my tag for these types of posts to fertility not INfertility.

Earning Every Cent

This being the boss is tough work. I had such a long day. Today I learned the meaning of the word "alarmist." I had several people (who are now reporting to me) freaking out and demanding an emergency meeting to talk about things that may or may not be mentioned at the all-staff meeting on Thursday, stuff that has previously been announced in various mediums, but they didn't remember hearing about.

Several times, I actually had to utter the words, "I think what I'm hearing you say is...." I sounded like a manager. But after two meetings where there was panic and anxiety -- unnecessary both times -- I was ready for a beer. I opted for a hot shower when I got home and it will be an early night.

~~~~~~

I had my baseline U/S yesterday. Everything looked good. My lining is thinning and ready to be pumped up whenever Ginger is ready to be super ovulator. I will stay on the Lurpon shots every night this week, and wait hear how her appointment goes on Friday.

One year ago tomorrow, I saw my baby's heartbeat. I'm trying not to think sad thoughts, and I think I'm succeeding. I'm remembering my angel baby, and I'm hoping that he (just a feeling that it was a he) is going to do his part to help this next pregnancy attempt.

I'm Fragile

I thought I was doing so well. Being positive. Not obsessing, but thinking positive pregnancy and baby thoughts every day.

This morning, I got a phone call from the doctor's office. Ginger has a cyst. She will continue on Lupron and it should dissolve on its own. She goes back next Friday for another U/S. I will still go in on Monday for my baseline and continue on the Lupron until Ginger can start her next round of meds.

I was a little disappointed but Pati assured me that it wasn't a big deal, is a common occurrence, and if it doesn't dissolve on its own after a week or two on Lurpin, they will go in and drain it.

I took a deep breath and realized that this is only a short delay. I'm still moving forward.

Yesterday, I was feeling some pangs. Like I was getting my period. I ignored them. Then today, when I went to the bathroom, the tell-tale sign of my period starting. I ignored it again. There wasn't much. Could just be spotting.

And then tonight, I couldn't ignore it. I started to freak out. What was this going to do to the schedule? I emailed Pati (who is amazing and always gets right back to me) and basically told her I was freaking.

She wrote back within five minutes. "Don't worry, you're supposed to get your period!! We want your lining thinned out before we start you on Estrace to build it up."

And at that point, I started to cry. I went from thinking that, once again, my body was failing me again, to having hope. Deep breath.

Dream a little Dream -- Over and Over Again

Over the course of the past two weeks, I've had four different dreams where I had a baby. There were no labor or pregnancy scenes. The baby was of varying age in each dream. Three of the four -- one little girl. Sweet and precious.

It felt right. And natural to hold a baby and know she was mine.

Last night, I had twins. They had just been born. A boy and a girl. Weirdly, the nurses "named them until I could Benjamin and Rahjima. No idea where that came from. I was struggling to remember the names I like right now.

I could remember Harper for the girl, but could only come up with Mason for the boy (which, I think, I've moved away from). And then I could actually go through the thought process in my dream. "They're both named after authors." And finally I came up with Cooper.

And then the nurse held hands in a circle (perhaps from my watching the season premiere of Big Love before bed) and told me my baby boy had leukemia. I was scared at first, and then, still in my dream, I thought, "they couldn't diagnose leukemia on a two-day-old. He doesn't have that." And that was that.

Obviously baby thoughts have invaded my subconscious. More than I thought.

I started my shots tonight -- 10cc of Lupron to suppress my hormones. Ginger has her baseline U/S on Friday, I go in on Monday.

I know I'll probably never meet her, but I think what's she is doing is amazing.

Two More Days on BCP

I have through Tuesday on the pill, and I'm actually impressed with myself that I've been able to keep my emotions in check. My previous times (though it was for the entire three weeks, not two), I turned into a sobbing puddle of out-of-control tears, coming on for no conceivable reason. Hopefully, the next two days go the way the last 12 have.

I finally connected with Bubbles last night -- we hadn't talked since before Christmas -- and while it was good to catch up, it was hard to rehash all the hurt feelings from the Christmas drama. It also reminded me how glad I am that it's over and that I survived.

Yesterday was the first birthday party of my friend Heather's daughter. It was a fun day -- one that I didn't dread. I was home in time for football, and then spent the rest of the weekend watching football and doing some work. Yes, I've gotten into the habit of bringing work home on the weekend, but it's only because of the second job. It will not become a long-time habit.

And finally, I looked through the donor catalog and made a final decision on the sperm donor. I've decided to go with one different from the one I've been using, but I think he's one I've previously used.

Jalapeno-Flavored Cheese is not a Vegetable

But I have managed to get at least one real veggie in a day. Sometimes, it's just hummus, but it counts. The working out.....not so much. This week back to work after two weeks off, has kicked my ass. I'm barely making it home at the end of the day. It's not fair that we have to go back for five full days. Maybe over the weekend, I will get my ass back on the treadmill.

Work has been getting a little busier, and with my new title (interim director) there are lots of time sucks in my day that I can't explain or remember. Suddenly it's 11:30 and I've managed to do nothing I wanted to in the morning.

I've got one more week of BCP before I start shooting up. And I need to call in and order the sperm. My dilemma is which donor to go with. The one I'd been using was a red-head, but now that Ginger is a red-head, do I go with another guy? I'm not sure. I'm going to look over my top two or three choices and then do what I did last time I choice -- go with my gut.

I got a text from J last night. I ignored it for about an hour (mostly because I was on the phone). He had written, "what's going on?" It was still pretty early in the evening, so I thought it was harmless enough. So I responded. "Not much. how are you?"

Never heard back from him. I did my part as a friend, but didn't have to be faced with temptation. An excellent evening.

Happy new year!

It's started. I got my period earlier in the week and started taking birth control pills on Tuesday. Counter-intuitive, I know, but I don't need to ovulate this month; Ginger is doing that for me.

And so the next steps in this process look like this:

Ginger starts on Lupron...1/9
I start on Lupron and stop BCP....1/12
Ginger has a baseline U/S...1/15
I have my baseline U/S....1/18

And it goes from there. And so for the next three weeks, I can take care of me and await for the transfer. I can stop looking at the negative, stop looking ahead, and try to live a week at a time.

My new year's resolutions:

* work out at least 20 minutes a day, five days a week. It's not much, but it's something very doable. And after the way I've been feeling about my body and its inadequacies, I need something that I can do without just giving up. This morning, I walked on the treadmill at home for 30 minutes.
* eat at least one vegetable a day. I know that sounds so funny, but I'm not a huge veggie eater. Don't like a lot of them. But I'll need to when I'm pregnant. Dinner tonight....baby spinach salad with carrots, celery, walnuts and feta cheese.
* and continue to be strong with the bad boys in my life. I can miss them, but I don't need them. J and Chris are not what I need in my life.

My resolution from last year -- to go to church at least twice a month -- became a habit pretty easily. And I'm hoping that these for this year will happen the same way.

Christmas '09 In Review

The good...

* Christmas Eve was great. I drove up in the afternoon and met my Virginia family at my sister-in-law's parent's house and went to mass with them. After that, we went to my niece's house for the evening. My niece and her family, my sister and brother-in-law, and my brother, sister-in-law and niece sat around and munched and drank and laughed. The boys opened presents and got sufficiently wound up from wrestling with my brother.
* I spent all of Christmas weekend in Syracuse -- did day after Christmas shopping with the family and played with lots of Moon Sand with the boys. Sunday, most of the family came back out to my niece's for brunch before everyone scattered again to their own lives, including the Virginians who would be heading south the next morning.
* As much as I enjoy being in Syracuse and hanging out with my niece and the boys, and there is nothing like an uninitiated hug from a two-year-old (you know you're loved when you get a hug for no reason, without asking for it), it was good to be back home, to sleep in my own bed, to turn my heat on as high as I wanted it.
* And about 11:30 on Christmas morning, my phone beeped. A text from E: "Merry Christmas gorgeous. hope you have a great day."

The bad....

* a rare snow storm in the mid-Atlantic region halted my holiday plans for Baltimore the weekend before Christmas. I was going to see Bubbles, Wanda and her family, Tim and the girls, Jan, and visit the Museum. I was also looking forward to testing myself by being in the city and NOT reaching out to J in any way.
* I handled Christmas day the best I could. And by that, I didn't really acknowledge my new niece, born over the summer. There were 14 other people to dote on her (and they all converged on her two feet behind me as I was doing dished when she first arrived). If she were older and would have noticed the slight, I wouldn't have done it. But she's six months old. There was a little tension with her mother, another one of my niece's (we all the know the story) -- or maybe I imagined it. Maybe the hurt feelings over her wedding, over the way she told me she was pregnant, made me think there was tension. In any event, I didn't really talk to her (thankfully with such a large family, it wasn't possible to have a lengthy conversation with everyone).
* At one point, I felt the tears coming on. I was grating cheese and fought the tears back. I wanted to let loose, I wanted to start bawling, but was surrounded by my family. A family who doesn't really understand the pain I sometimes feel around a baby. I tried to explain it to one of my sisters and she said, "but you're around babies all the time." Not really, and not really the point, but my response was "yes, but those are babies whose mother's are nice and supportive of what I'm going through and understand that their happiness might cause me pain." I was met with a blank stare, so I changed the subject.
* The family pictures! Ugh....almost as much as seeing my niece's baby, I was dreading this moment when my sisters would make a production of doing "family unit" pictures. Not just a picture of everyone who was there, or even random photos throughout the day, but posed pictures of each little family unit. Brother, sister-in-law, two kids. Niece, her husband, two kids. Sister, brother-in-law, niece, her husband, two kids. Etc. Ever since it was suggested that we frame these sorts of pictures for my parents' 50th anniversary a few years back, and I contribute a picture of me with my cat (seriously!), I've avoided these little set-ups. I stayed in the kitchen, and thankfully no one called me into the living room to pose in front of the tree, either alone or with my parents.

The weird...

* Thankfully there wasn't really any ugly. My sister got me a strange present, and while she thought it was funny, it's not exactly the way I would have handled it. As she explained it, she ordered two day planners from the Smithsonian gift shop and was able to get one monogrammed for free, so she got hers done with her initials. When they arrived, she started filling hers out, and only then realized that she had started writing in the non-monogrammed one. Rather than give me the one she had started to write in, or get me something else and write this one off as a loss, she gave me the one with her initials. So instead of having LAW (my true initials) on a day planner, I have for the next year (should I decide to use it) KLY. I know, it's the thought that counts. But I find it weird. And again, given lingering tensions over her daughter's wedding and the way that was handled, I think I'm finding more wrong with it than if it had come from my oldest niece or even my sister-in-law in Virginia. Because I'm closer with them, because I would have found it funny, and because I know that that's not how they would have handled it.

And so all in all, the Christmas I was dreading, the Christmas I wasn't really looking forward to....I survived. It's over. The family drama, the tension, the feelings of inadequacy (because of singledom and childlessness)....it's all over. And so if I'm still childless next year, here's hoping Richmond is an option. Otherwise, I think Bubbles and I should be finding ourselves on a beach somewhere, drinking margaritas and ignoring both of our families.

Merry Christmas to me

I went up to Syracuse yesterday for my belly massage and a facial. First, I stopped next door to the FG's office to drop off all of the meds that I won't ever need again. All in all about $20,000 worth.

I asked Pati if she'd heard from the other recipient, and she said she was going to call her that afternoon and tell her that she needed an answer before Christmas.

"But what if she says no?"

Pati gave me a hug and said, "we're still moving forward. We'll figure it out. Go enjoy your afternoon."

And so I went and got my internal organs massaged (no, really, that's what happens). And when I was waiting for the facial, one of the girls who works there came in and said Pati was on her way over to talk to me.

She came with a packet of paperwork for me to fill out. The other recipient is not ready to move forward, so Ginger is all mine. For the price of doing a split cycle. I hugged her again. "Merry Christmas, you've been through enough. And think about how many embryos you're going to have!"

Holy shit, that's right. Ginger's previous donation cycles have produced 9 and 14 embryos.

I tried my best to just enjoy and relax during my facial, and I pretty much did. I called Hope when I left and talked to gave her the update. Then I called Jill, who kept saying she was so happy she couldn't stop smiling. This is the way it's supposed to be. Everything that has happened to this point was supposed to.

I pulled out a Christmas CD that I had made last year, but haven't listened to yet this year. I knew that it started with lots of instrumental church music (a good 2 minutes worth) before my favorite Christmas hymn would begin. And as soon as Amy Grant started singing "Angels We Have Heard on High," I started to cry.

It's really going to happen. A year ago today, I got pregnant. And I was so full of hope last year for Christmas. This year? So hopeful that this is going to work. I ran over to church between errands this morning to say thank you.

John Mayer is deep

Another post I'm borrowing from Advice from a Single Gal. I'm sitting in front of the computer, pretty Christmas tree lights on in the background, reading this quote over and over again.

John Mayer has a twitter account that I check in with every once in a while. Last week, he made a comment that's stuck with me ever since. I have it up on a sticky note and I keep looking at it. It's stuck itself in my psyche. It's a truth I'm going to keep on reminding myself:

For all the times we punish ourselves, very few times have we actually done something wrong.

Nightmare Before Christmas

I need to stop eating Christmas cookies before bed. The other night, I partook in a few yummy bits of sugar and frosting and had thee weirdest dream. Ever.

I was at my friend Jill's house. Her home office was suddenly much larger and it had a futon. I was smooching with her hot brother, but rather than being the sweet single 34-year-old that he really is, I made him married (go figure). And not only married, but married to Chris's wife's sister. So suddenly my worlds were colliding.

And because Chris's life was suddenly so much closer to mine, I knew when something tragic happened to him. And Jill went to the funeral to support her brother's family, and I went along too.

The weird thing is, I wasn't sad about Chris. In fact, it was more abstract. We didn't actually go anywhere in the dream, it was more that we just talked about it, in the very way that I just described it.

I woke up very disturbed. And I wondered what it all meant. Does it mean that Chris is now "dead" to me? Could be. I've accepted that I'm done with him, that I'm finally ready to move on from him.

More disturbing, and perhaps more telling? That I "made" David be married in the dream. I'm not going anywhere near that. I'll save that for the next time I get my head shrunk, I guess.

Strength and Peace

Please give my "sister recipient" the strength to make a decision she will be at peace with and my the strength to accept her decision, no matter what.

That was what I prayed for tonight at church, one day after hearing the FG's office that the other woman I will be splitting the donor eggs with is on the fence, and not sure she's ready to move forward.

I was pissed when I heard it yesterday. I didn't, and still don't, understand after all we've been through, not taking that next step, not wanting to move forward. I know I should, I know that it could be me, but I don't and it's not.

And so, again, I just have to be patient.

Attitude Adjustment

My mother told me last week that my niece (and her new baby) would not be with us at Christmas. She would be spending the day with her in-laws. It made me not dread the day quite so much.

And then tonight, "Erica will be coming to Christmas."

Terrific. So looking forward to it.

I've got a week to figure out how to make the best of it.

I'll have a blue Christmas....

I thought about writing yesterday, but was in such a fowl mood I thought I would spare you all. It was raining. And cold. And dreary. I sat in the dark with nothing but the Christmas tree lights. And thought about how much I've really come to hate the holidays.

The preparing for them? Love! Shopping, buying presents for other people, wrapping them, decorating the tree, the Christmas specials on TV, baking cookies. Love all of that. And then when I do it, I start to think about who I'm not doing it for. Not doing it for my family. My own family. Not my husband or kids.

And then I start to feel sorry for myself. And I wonder when this joke that the universe is playing on me will end. I talked to Bubbles, who is in a similar boat, although at nine years younger, not quite as desperate as I am.

Somehow I'll make it through. I'll survive Christmas, this year with most of my family rather than the lovely say in pajamas I usually spend in Richmond. I'll survive New Year's Eve, mostly because it will just be nothing more than a Thursday to me. And six weeks later, I'll survive Valentine's Day.

But I shouldn't have to want to "just get through" the holidays. Should I? Am I missing something bigger? Something greater?

So now we're going to try to be friends

Real friends. Professional. Platonic. We'll see how long that lasts.

I thought about texting J over the weekend to tell him about my promotion. Actually the evil Ellie thought about texting him that I had news and to call when he could. And then good won out over evil. "I got the interim director position!"

He texted back with congratulations and then asked if we had gotten any snow, that they gt a few inches (which in Baltimore is like a few feet), etc. Back and forth. Snow and work. That's it.

We can do this.

And then the next night, he texted again. Something about the Giants game. Okay, we can still do this. He started to veer off course when he asked what I was doing and told me he had been drinking martinis all afternoon.

I kept it on the up and up. And honestly was thinking about texting "where's the Mrs.?" But I stopped myself. I'm not sure why.

He asked me if I would be in Baltimore near the holidays. My response? "Yea, for a few days, but I'm not going to bother to tell you when, you'd just blow me off anyway."

"Ouch...you dick."

"But so true."

He must not have liked that, or the Mrs. showed up, because that was the last I heard from him that night.

I need to be the good one, and we can have this friendship.